Xander and Cordy Make a Porno

"What are your thoughts on it?" Cordelia asked Xander as they were all gathered around the posted testing results.

"On what?" Xander replied distractedly as he wrote in a notebook.

"On our job prospects, duh!" she said rolling her eyes.

"I don't know I was thinking plumber, pool boy, maybe pizza delivery," Xander said as he wrote.

"You watch a lot of porn, don't you?" Cordelia deadpanned.

"A fair amount," he replied before finishing up what he was writing and turning to the postings. "Hey, they have our career assessments up."

"You are in your own little world when you're writing," Cordelia complained.

"It's easier to paint," Xander said as he scanned the board. "Alright!"

"What did you get…fluffer?" she snarked.

"My, you seem to know a lot about porn yourself," Xander fired back.

Cordelia shrugged. "I had to do some serious research to insult Harmony sufficiently, I do not accept subpar insults."

"Fair enough," Xander said.

"So, what'd you get?" Cordelia demanded.

"Film Director," Xander said with a grin.

"You? A director?!" she asked in disbelief. "Of what? Porn? No, I can't see you ever doing this right!"

"I could so direct a porn," Xander snapped out.

"Prove it!"

"Fine, I will!" Xander frowned as he just realized what he'd agreed to. "What did you get?"

"Motivational speaker or...actress," she said deciding not to mention personal shopper; she was no one's servant!

"You, an actress?" he asked in stark disbelief. "I've seen you act. Porno stars have better skills."

"You take that back!"

"It's like a train wreck," Buffy noted as the two argued.

"Yeah," Willow said absently as her mind combined the thoughts of Xander and porno and came up with opportunity. There had to be some way to use this to get Xander to realize she was datable and if that involved a naked Xander then that was a sacrifice she was willing to make!

"Fine!" Cordy snapped.

"Fine!" Xander snapped.

As the two stormed off in opposite directions, Willow came out of her daydream. "What did I miss?"

"Xander just agreed to direct a porno and Cordelia just agreed to act in it," Buffy said. "Even for the Hellmouth, this was weird."

"What a coincidence, I got...theatrical production assistant on my career assessment," Willow lied.

A man in a gray suit spoke up, "We didn't list your results, if you'd care to come with me…"

"Buffy, stranger danger," Willow said, ducking behind her. "He's trying to get me to go with him and interfering in my job of helping Xander as a theatrical assistant!"

Buffy glared at the man. "She said no, shall I repeat it in violence?"

The man quickly backed off, simply handing her a card. "If she should change her mind."

Buffy turned to Willow who gave her a grateful smile. "Thanks, now I have to go oil up Xander. I mean! I have to go help Xander figure out he has to get- I have to help Xander plan out some scenes." The red faced red head almost sprinted off.

"The man in the gray suit scanned the crowd and found his second target at his elbow. "Hello, Mr Osbourne?"

"Sorry, I have to go make a soundtrack for a porno," Oz said.

"I'm to escort you-" the man began.

"Stranger danger?" Oz said glancing at Buffy.

"Here's my card," the man said retreating as Buffy glared at him.

"Oh my god!" Aura exclaimed to Harmony. "Did you hear?!"

"Hear what?" Harmony asked.

"Cordelia 'I'm the Queen' Chase just agreed to be in a porno that Xander 'Loser' Harris is making!"

"That Bitch!" Harmony exclaimed. "She's not getting an acting job before me!"

Lance turned to Larry. "Dude, we have to find a way to join the cast."

"Dude, I'm not into girls," Larry reminded him.

"But don't you like the theater and the costume and all that?" Lance asked.

"Dude, don't stereotype me!"

"What stereotype? I'm askin' here."

"Oh," Larry cooled down. "We don't put on a lot of plays around here, so I'm not really sure if I'd enjoy it or not."

"Porn has naked guys and girls," Lance offered.

"Then again I am one for new experiences," Larry said quickly.

"Let's go see what openings are available."

Jon turned to Andrew. "We need some non-geeky extra credits for our college applications and you can't get more non-geeky than helping produce an art film."

"Do you think Xander is going to be in a front of the camera as well as behind it?" Andrew asked wide-eyed.

"It's entirely possible," Jon agreed.

Buffy shook her head. "This is strange even for the Hellmouth."

AN: And then I realized I'd have to make it their senior year and somehow still fit the plotline…

TN: Well. This was not what I was expecting to type up today.

Typed by Lostbetweenhereandthere.

With Sprinkles 7- Info Dumped and Discarded

Xander watched as Jiraiya summoned a toad, gave it a message and dismissed it. "That is still really cool," Xander said, "it's almost like what I do when I summon animals."

"You can summon animals?" Jiraiya asked curiously. "What kind?"

"I can create animals I have touched, not exact duplicates but...based on the ideal version," Xander explained.

"What are the limits?" he asked, already seeing uses for just such an ability.

"The stronger the animal the more mana it costs to summon," Xander replied.

"And?"

"No 'and', that's the only limitation," Xander assured him.

"How intelligent can they be before you can't summon them?" Jiraiya asked, wondering if this technique could be used to create nin-dogs.

"Why would their intelligence matter?" Xander asked curiously.

"Well if you can't copy people only animals, then there is probably a limit based on intelligence," Jiraiya explained his thoughts on the matter.

"Human beings are part of the animal kingdom," Xander assured him.

"You can copy people?" Jiraiya asked, feeling the hair on his arms begin to stand up.

"I don't make exact copies, I make a new person based on the perfect version of someone," Xander explained. "There's probably an in-depth explanation talking about fractals and the way crystals grow, but I didn't know enough to make a decent attempt to explain it in a way you'd understand."

"Don't make a copy of me, but walk me through the explanation," Jiraiya requested.

"Alright," Xander agreed, "first, I have to have touched you, which I have. Now, I decide to summon you, or another person matching your 'person-hood'."

"Person-hood?" the white haired man interrupted.

"A person that could fit what you do with your life," Xander said, frowning, "I do a lot of stuff instinctively, so I don't have a good way of explaining all of this, so some of my explanations are going to awkward."

"It's fine, I get it," Jiraiya assured him while lighting a pip.

"Good. Now you are a lot more powerful and skilled than most people, so it'd cost more to summon a 'you'."

"How much more?" he asked curiously.

"4 more, but I also have to sacrifice an untapped land," Xander replied.

"Sacrifice?" he asked concerned.

"Yeah," Xander agreed. "See ninja is a type of soldier, so two basic mana for that, but you're also a very… skilled one making it even more expensive, add on to the spymaster and sage and the costs just shoot up. Sage means you have to have a place to be a sage of, so I have to turn over one of my lands to the sage I create."

"Spymaster?" Jiraiya asked, wondering how clumsy he had been for Xander of all people to have noticed it.

"I'm a planeswalker," Xander reminded him.

The toad sage sighed. "I keep underestimating you, a very poor quality in a spymaster."

Xander shrugged. "How many planeswalkers have you met?"

"Point," he agreed before taking a drag on his pipe. "Any thoughts on me being a spymaster?

"It's nice to know Konoha has someone who understands the meaning of the word subtle and can help defend it," Xander said. "I can see why you write porn to relax, it's probably a really stressful job."

"It does help, "Jiraiya admitted, surprised at Xander's casual acceptance of the matter. "Does the type of land sacrificed affect the type of sage?" he asked, changing the subject.

"Definitely," Xander said. "You are a mountain sage requiring a red mana, but if I sacrificed say… a volcanic island the type of jutsu would be completely different."

"What would the person be like? Where would their loyalties lie?" the toad sage asked.

"They'd be a lot like you, modified by chakra nature affecting personality of course, and their loyalty would be to me since I created them," Xander replied. "They'd be inclined to help you of course, but ultimately their loyalty would be to me."

"That is a frightening power," Jiraiya said.

"Not really," Xander disagreed. "Almost any couple can create another person and train them to be nearly anything."

"Huh," Jiraiya said. "I hadn't thought of it like that. I was thinking about the copy of someone part of it."

"As I said, not really a copy," Xander reminded him. "If I summoned a nin like Gai, four mana since not only is he a highly skilled ninja, he's also got a couple of special abilities, they would probably have little real resemblance."

"Gai has special abilities?" Jiraiya asked, faking surprise.

"He can sacrifice himself to do massive damage and anyone training under him will grow in strength and skill more rapidly than standard training should allow," Xander explained.

"That does fit," Jiraiya agreed. "Would you mind summoning copies of enemy nin we've captured so I can see how your ability works?"

"As long as you don't mind making sure they are taken care of," Xander replied. "I'm not going to create people just to see them abandoned or neglected."

"Is there a way to make sure they'd be loyal to the village?" He tapped out his pipe and stepped on the embers.

"If I tell them to be loyal, they'll be loyal," Xander replied.

"Just like that?" he asked in disbelief.

"Just like that," Xander assured him. "It's part of the creation powers."

"Maybe we should start with animals," Jiraiya decided.

"Much easier to handle and generally cheaper," Xander agreed.

"You don't have a problem creating animals to be let loose or eaten do you?"

"No, just intelligent life forms," Xander assured him.

"Let's go to a pet store and get some test subjects then," Jiraiya said.

0o0o0o0o0o0o0

Xander summoned half a dozen rabbits who sat quietly, nibbling at the grass but making no move to go anywhere.

Jiraiya looked on. "Similar but not exactly the same, all very healthy examples of the breed. What can you command them to do?"

"Simple commands," Xander replied. "Rabbits aren't that bright and they have to be able to understand what I want them to do."

"Eat, attack, defend, dig, run away?"

"Basically." He waved a hand and the rabbits moved in a circle.

"And you don't have to touch one again to summon more?"

"Nope," Xander replied, "but I can only summon any particular summons three times a day, so I could summon two more groups of these sorts of rabbits and then I'd either have to wait 'till tomorrow or summon a different type."

"If it was a rare type of animal could they interbreed or would they be like siblings?"

"They could breed fine," Xander assured him.

"How about people?" Jiraiya asked, thinking about rare Kekkei Genkai.

"Same answer, they aren't really related, not even to the original."

"Would their children be loyal to you?"

"Their parents could raise them to be loyal to me, but it would be normal loyalty not the absolute loyalty they had," Xander said after thinking about it. "Why?"

"We've got some clans that lost a number of people and that would be a way of preventing them from dying out without compromising their loyalty to the Leaf," Jiraiya explained.

"Like Naruto's gifts," Xander realized.

"What can you tell me about him?" Jiraiya asked curiously.

"Extra dense chakra which gives him regeneration and a much longer life span," Xander replied.

"What about the creature sealed in him?"

"Very mana intensive and it's considered unique, so I could only make one," Xander replied.

"You could make a copy of the Kyuubi?!"

"Planeswalker," Xander reminded him.

"How much mana would it take?" Jiraiya asked.

"A dozen," Xander replied.

"So, to make a copy of Naruto would be whatever he cost plus a dozen?" Jiraiya asked, a little relieved that it was so expensive.

"No, they are separate beings," Xander explained. "Naruto would cost about two mana since he's just a poorly trained kid with a special trait."

"So, you couldn't mix and match to make a sage version of him?" Jiraiya asked just to make sure.

"Nope, anyone I make is based on what the original is. I may figure out how to add additional stuff later, but the basic summoning remains the same."

"Could you make someone based on a corpse?"

"I could duplicate a corpse exactly," Xander replied, "but that wouldn't give you a living person."

"Well at least you can't bring back the dead," he said relieved. At Xander's silence he asked, "Can you?"

"Eventually," Xander replied, "though it's kinda cruel to rip someone out of the afterlife that way."

Jiraiya shook his head. "I have never heard anyone consider that as a reason not to raise the dead."

"Let's say you die," Xander said, "next thing you know you're with all your loved ones, someone yanking you out of that world would not make you happy. I think you have three days before the soul moves on, so before that point it's fine."

"What if you get two… summons of the same person?"

"I can summon someone three times a day, but not really them, more their job," Xander reminded him.

"I meant what if you get a later summons after they've been trained," Jiraiya explained.

"Then I could summon each version three times a day," Xander replied.

"You have very complex and confusing abilities," Jiraiya said. "If I get too close to something you don't want to talk about or you need a break let me know."

Xander thought. "You're a spymaster, you're supposed to be inquisitive, besides the more I know the more powerful I am and you are making me question my abilities and figure things out faster than I would alone, you ask anything you like."

"How is it you can answer some things but not others? You seem to know a lot about summoning, but you knew little about copying weapons until you actually...and I just answered my own question, didn't I?"

"The more I do, the more I instinctively know, the more I question what I instinctively know, the more detailed my knowledge of my abilities."

"That is such a cheat."

"Planeswalker," Xander replied.

AN- This is how you don't write a chapter, it was a complete info dump and not even funny or exciting. Dumped it and started over, using as little info as possible unless it was necessary for the story. On the plus side, writing all this helped me decide how to handle the subject and what to do in the chapter. The key to writing is often rewriting!

TN- good choice, too many assured hims and not enough Xander cheer.

Typed by Lostbetweenhereandthere