Xander and Cordy make a porno 2: This time it's personal!

"A campaign is like a war. It's won or lost in the trenches..."

Buffy started to talk about something to do with being crowned Homecoming Queen, and so Xander instantly tuned her out. He could think of a lot more interesting things to concentrate on right now.

And that included his chances of winning this week's Powerball numbers.

Meh. Things had changed a lot over the past year or so, ever since those rumors that he was going to direct a porno (and Cordelia was going to star in it) had started flying around campus. People had started taking bets on exactly what sort of a film it was going to be –Jonathan and Andrew had come up to him and floated ideas like 'Cheerleaders auction off dates to raise money', 'Topless car washes', and 'Horny cheerleaders strip for a good cause'.

Film titles like that, Xander had instantly assumed that his girlfriend - and some of the Cordettes like Gwen, Aura, and Aphrodesia - would clobber him, if he'd offered them a role in it.

Still, that had been nothing in comparison to *Harmony* of all people coming up to him and demanding to be part of his porno, if Cordelia was going to be part of it as well. Because, having seen Harm try to act?

Well, when Harmony tried to be head cheerleader, she was bad. When she tried to chair the Homecoming committee last week, she was really bad. But when she tried to act... she *sucked*.

Although, considering it was a porno in question, Xander figured he might have taken Harmony on as a fluffer - since Cordelia had mentioned how the blonde had no gag reflex, and her sucking skills were second to none.

Well, it was all moot, of course, despite the interest Willow, Oz, Lance and even Larry had initially shown in the project; Cordelia had pulled out after the rumors reached her parents' ears, and they had threatened to cut up all her charge cards if she ever took part in such a thing. Plus the recurring latest monster of the week meant he'd never even had time to get the film past the planning stages...

And hey, trying to source movie equipment, scout filming sites, get permission from City Hall to shoot on location, and everything else? Even if Mayor Richard 'family values' Wilkins hadn't totally been against it, Xander figured he would have probably ended up making something that was a mix of an Eighties teen horror movie, and the Blair Witch Project.

And here on the Hellmouth, that would have sucked even worse than Angelus trying to send the world to Hell, last year.

Xander's attention abruptly returned to Buffy as the Slayer said, "Holly, Michelle, and Cordelia, they all have big head starts. Speaking of big heads, if I had a watermelon as big as Cordelia's, I'd be rich -"

"That's my girlfriend you're talkin' about, Buffy," Xander interrupted immediately. "And so, I'd appreciate it if you kept that sort of comment to yourself. Or do you want me to bring up past history about bad choices in boyfriends?"

Buffy looked momentarily stricken, and Willow glared at him immediately. "Xander! That was totally out of line!"

"What? Why? I didn't name any names, did I? I mean, hey, who did you think I was talking about?" Xander asked the redhead.

"Oh, come on - everyone here knows you were talking about Ang-" Willow abruptly cut herself off, as she glanced at Buffy apologetically.

"Actually, I was referring to the huge mistake that was Buffy and Owen Thurman - but if you wanna bring that guy up, Will? That's totally on you," Xander shrugged, ignoring the furious glare from his oldest friend.

"My God, Xander! When are you EVER going to get over the fact that Buffy chose Angel over you?" Willow yelled angrily, again causing Buffy to flinch.

"Hey, newsflash, but I'm over it now," Xander said, trying to go for the nonchalant look. Buffy's ex was currently roasting his nuts in Hell, after all, so 'nuff said.

Hmm, now that he thought of it? Odds were that Willow was still upset he'd bailed on the whole formal wear gig last night. Maybe he ought to bribe Will with a gift, to try to get her to forgive him?

Apart from crotch-less panties, of course. Xander knew how that hadn't worked out too well as a gag birthday gift, back when Jesse was still alive.

"Getting somewhat off-topic," Oz interjected in his own totally cool, laidback way. And not for the first time, Xander was kinda envious of the way Buffy and Willow took the guy seriously, and paid attention to whatever he said.

Well, hey, man of few words. And Oz had his own van that smelled pretty funky, the few times Xander had bummed a ride off of the guy. Who knew what the heck he and his bandmates were smoking in there?

Huh. It would explain why Willow was still glaring at him, second-hand wacky tobaccy...

"Oz is right, we need to focus," Buffy said, taking a deep breath. "Okay. Popularity - popularity is key, here. If I'm gonna run for Homecoming Queen and win, we need to focus on improving my popularity."

"Might be a problem," Oz said, almost making an expression.

"Yeah, Buffy... just the other day, didn't you say that even your favorite teacher didn't know who you were?" Willow asked apologetically.

"The term 'non-person' was mentioned." Xander nodded.

"Okay, guys, can I *please* have some helpful suggestions?!" Buffy semi-exploded.

At that moment, Andrew burst into the library. "Xander! I've just come up with a brand new idea for your porno film!"

"Would that qualify?" Xander asked innocently, and ducked as Buffy angrily threw her whiteboard pointer at his head. "Just askin', Buff. Just askin'."

At that moment, Cordelia came into the library as well. "What's going on here?"

"Eh, the usual. Oz is doing a pretty good impersonation of a Jedi Master, Buffy is trying to recapture her glory days as Queen B at Hemery, Willow's pissed at me, and Andrew's just come up with a new idea for Sunnydale's premiere porno festival," Xander wisecracked.

"Whatever." Cordelia looked completely indifferent to the latest glares Willow and Buffy were now shooting Xander's way. "Willow, how's that student voter database you've been making for me going?"

"Uh, it's just about done," Willow admitted shamefully, unable to look Buffy in the face; doubtlessly aware of the look of betrayal being aimed her way.

"Xander?" Cordy asked, ignoring that.

"I got your new flyers printed out, no problem. That picture of you in your cheerleader uniform was all Photoshop'ed and everything." Xander smiled at his girlfriend.

"Oz?" Cordelia asked next, after sending her boyfriend her patented megawatt smile.

"Talked to Devon, pretty sure he's gonna spread the word that Cordelia Chase is the candidate every musician in school should vote for," Oz replied, as laconic as ever.

"What? But - but - but -" Buffy started to splutter.

"Hey! Doesn't anyone want to hear my idea for Xander's porno?" Andrew whined.

Xander looked at everyone and said, "You know, we may as well hear him out - or else he'll just pester us about it, until the worst moment imaginable. Like when Andrew tripped and smashed that Orb thing with his head, in the middle of Willow trying to do that soul curse for Dead Boy."

"Hey, that wasn't my fault! I thought you guys were trying to summon Lando Calrissian from an alternate reality, and I...wasn't paying any attention to my footing," Andrew tried to defend himself.

"Whatever." Xander sighed, deliberately not looking in Buffy's direction. "Okay, what the hell, pal; lay it on us."

Andrew looked excited and started to babble, "Okay, here it is! Now, the premise is that the members of the school board are being pure penny-pinching bastards, and want to close the school library because of lack of funds. So Cordelia and her friends, being the most popular girls in school decide to raise the money somehow to prevent this, as that's their favorite place to make out with their boyfriends; in the stacks, I mean."

"Huh. I know it's just a movie and all, but - has anyone other than the Scooby Gang ever come into this library, since the day Buffy came to town?" Xander mused absently, before he yelped as Cordelia whacked him on the arm.

Andrew paid no attention and went on, "So, anyway, the cheerleaders decide to stage a fake kidnapping. But who will be the victim? Cordelia, of course, as the Chases are the richest family in town, and they could best afford the ransom money."

"It's true, they could," Willow nodded, despite herself.

Ignoring Cordelia's glare Andrew added, "Then the next part is that Cordelia has to convince Xander to take part in it. The guy initially refuses, of course, saying if they get caught - he might end up in jail or something..."

"It's true, he would," Oz nodded, as Willow sent a quick smile in her boyfriend's direction.

Andrew nodded. "So cue the cheesy music, and the first sex scene of the film is in Cordelia's bedroom, as she attempts to convince Xander otherwise."

Buffy shook her head in disbelief. "There had better not be any full frontal nudity, or Cordy's parents would disown her the moment they hear about that!"

"Uh, well, porno, Buffy. Lots of nudity, pretty much unavoidable," Andrew said to her, semi-apologetically. "Anyway, in the next scene, Cordelia is complaining to her friends about what happened, as Xander is still refusing to budge about the whole kidnaping scenario. And later, Willow is alone with Oz, who is Xander's best friend in the film, so - according to the plot, Oz has to be the one to convince Xander to play ball. So, Willow has sex with her werewolf boyfriend to...uh, convince him to do it."

"WHAT?" Willow yelled, looking embarrassed and humiliated. "I can't do that! I WON'T do that! I mean, I'm not gonna be part of this - I, I gave up my dream of being Xander's theatrical assistant a long time ago!"

"And not much of an actor, myself. If I'm gonna be involved in this thing, I'd be better off putting together the cheesy music soundtrack," Oz said, perfectly calm as always.

"Okay, well, that's negotiable." Andrew frowned, looking thoughtful - and Xander was almost sure that a little smoke was coming out of the nerd's ears, from all the effort involved. "Right. New scene; another female friend of Cordelia does the exact same thing I mentioned before. If it's Buffy, her boyfriend Angel looks into the camera and says something like, 'If only she knew that I'm my evil twin brother, Angelus...' before throwing Buffy onto the bed, and -"

"ANDREW, I'M GONNA KILL YOU!" Buffy instantly screamed in fury, and it took both Oz and Xander to restrain her from rushing forward to punch the idiot's lights out.

"Dude. Find a new theme, and apologize to the Buffster, if you value your life!" Xander warned Andrew, as Cordelia and Willow glared at the amateur storyteller and Oz actually made an expression.

"Okay! Okay! I'm sorry, Buffy, I was just, y'know, brainstorming, coming up with the ideas. I-I-I didn't mean anything by it," Andrew promised the irate Slayer frantically.

"And the worst part is, that's almost certainly true," Cordelia sighed in irritation, as Buffy finally calmed down and the boys let her go. "This dumbass actually thought summoning demons for his big brother was a good idea, remember?"

"Alas, Tucker - we knew you and your hellhounds well," Xander said philosophically, before turning back to Andrew. "Okay, what else ya got?"

"Um..." Andrew thought rapidly, "Next, Principal Snyder is smirking at Mr. Giles, right here in the library, saying, 'In a few weeks you'll have to pack your things, and get out. Personally, I'm going to celebrate during that day non-stop...' Then Snyder leaves, and a few seconds later, Xander comes in and sees how distraught Mr. Giles is. They talk, and Xander is finally convinced there is no other choice but to go with Cordelia's plan."

"Huh. Am I going to be directing this thing, or am I going to be starring in it?" Xander mused to himself.

"Cameo scenes, dweeb. Worked for Billy Idol in The Wedding Singer," Cordelia told him firmly.

"Can we please not mention Spike's lookalike around me?" Buffy briefly looked annoyed.

"Go on, Andrew, what next?" Willow asked, starting to look interested in the movie plot now despite herself.

Andrew took a deep breath and said, "In the subsequent scene, Xander meets Cordelia at his house; and before he has a chance to say anything, she says she's desperate. And that she'll let him give it to her in the ass, if that's what it takes, as Xander has been wanting that for months and she's always refused before now -"

"You're damn right I have! And hey, you dork - have you actually been telling tales about our sex life to this nerd?!" Cordelia looked enraged with Xander.

"What? You and Xander have a sex life? Already?! Ugh. Brain bleach," Buffy looked disgusted (just like Willow).

"Did anyone ask you for your opinion, Buffy? And no, Cor, what happens between us in the bedroom stays there, as far as I'm concerned," Xander said to his girlfriend, before turning to glare at Andrew. "Lemme guess; you just made all that up?"

"I-I-I-I..." Andrew stammered incoherently.

"Best close your mouth and just get on with it," Oz advised Andrew, and not unkindly.

Andrew nodded, and said, "Okay, um...in the next part of the scene, Xander says whoa, hold it; he's already decided to do what she wants, but thanks for the offer. Cordelia smiles and says what the hell, she's psyched herself up for it, she'll let him do it anyway...and then the music begins again, we hear loud sighs and groans whilst watching the heaving, sweaty bodies..."

"Forget that 'what the hell' thing," Cordelia said straightaway. "My ass is a no-go area, as far as Xander's tool is concerned!"

"Uh, well - there were rumors last year, you know, before you and Xander got together? A certain member of the football team -" Willow started to say.

"Got kicked in the nuts for spreading that sort of lie about me, Willow," Cordelia hissed at her. "And do we need to have a chat about listening to whatever guys tell you? The name 'Malcolm' – or was it Moloch? – suddenly rings a bell..."

"Uh, ladies, definitely no need to go wandering down Memory Lane at this point," Xander said hurriedly. "Andrew, you wanna keep going?"

Andrew nodded. "Right, okay. Um...smash cut to later, the gang is alone together somewhere. Say, the abandoned Sunnydale Arms hotel? Some place like that, anyway. They discuss the kidnapping, how a masked Xander got into Cordy's car in full view of some other students, and 'kidnapped' her with a gun to her head; and it was touch and go for a while how they managed to avoid the Sunnydale PD, incompetent as those guys are."

"You're telling me," Buffy muttered to herself, thinking nasty thoughts about what had happened back when Kendra had been killed.

"Am I in this scene?" Willow wondered, before she blushed at everyone's attention. "Not that I'm asking to be, or anything, of course..."

"I think you'd be great in this part of the movie, as the criminal mastermind," Oz said to his girlfriend.

"Oh, no, I'm very seldom naughty. And trying to act like a criminal mastermind? I'd just spazz out completely." Willow shook her head vigorously.

"What happens next?" Cordelia asked Andrew, now looking interested in spite of herself.

Andrew looked a bit embarrassed as he said, "Um, one of the guys - not Xander, I know he hates the stuff - passes out alcohol to celebrate, and everyone gets slightly toasted; cue the soundtrack music again, and an orgy takes place, as all of the girls have sex with their partners."

"You mean - group sex?" Willow's jaw almost dropped to the floor.

"You pervert!" Buffy snarled at Andrew, who instantly took a step backwards.

"For once, I'm in complete agreement with her. So scrap that idea, you asswipe; or you'll need a proctologist to get all the shoe fragments out of your rectum!" Cordelia likewise snarled at Andrew.

"What she said," Xander nodded, even though he knew from past research that a lot of AVN award winners had scenes similar to what Andrew had proposed.

"What happens next?" Oz asked, actually looking interested for a moment.

Andrew gulped. "Okay. Well, cut to two weeks later. Cordelia has been 'released' after the ransom money has been paid by her parents; and Xander is desperate to see his girlfriend, as he hasn't been together with her since the night she was 'kidnapped', and he is pretty much starving for sex."

"Oh, now, that sounds like something of a plot hole in the film to me. I mean, what's the justification for that happening?" Willow asked, before she blushed all over again. "Not that I really care, I'm not going to be in this movie, but still - it's the principle of the thing!"

Andrew told her, "At this point, there's a bit of exposition about how Xander knew it was too risky to go see Cordelia, as the cops were watching him closely."

"All right. What else?" Buffy asked impatiently, it was pretty obvious she wanted to end this topic of discussion right now-ish.

"You know, can't help thinking - Giles hasn't had much to do in this film so far," Oz said musingly.

"And that's a surprise, why? I mean, can you actually see a stuffed shirt like him actually taking part in porno?" Cordelia demanded acerbically.

"Great! Thanks a lot for *those* visuals," Buffy snapped at her.

"Andrew?" Xander prodded the storyteller, not wanting to hear another argument between his friend and his girlfriend.

Andrew shrugged. "Well, you know, the library is saved after an anonymous donation of money. Principal Snyder storms off in a bad mood. That night, Cordy surprises Xander in her cheerleading outfit in the boys' locker room; and one last sex scene takes place. There's screams and shouts like 'fuck me harder!' and then Xander collapses on top of Cordelia, and they make out gently as the screen fades to black..."

"Andrew, that has got to be the *worst* ending for the movie imaginable!" Willow declared, as everyone stared at her in surprise. "It's nothing but gender stereotypes, not to mention lacking any coherent wrap-up of the plot!"

"What plot? It's a porno, Willow. Pretty much by definition, it hasn't got a plot," Cordelia told her acerbically.

"Penetrator 2, Grudge Day. You actually can combine an effective plot with hot porno action, according to the reviewers," Xander felt it was necessary to point out. After the look from his girlfriend, he added, "I'm just saying."

"What's going on here?" Principal Snyder demanded from the double doors of the library. "Where's the British librarian? And what are you juvenile delinquents up to?"

"Nothing, Principal Snyder, sir," Xander replied quickly.

"Don't give me that," Snyder snarled. "Now, what were you just discussing? Talk, or I'll have you all in detention!"

Buffy shrugged, perfectly willing to throw Andrew under the proverbial bus at this point. "We just spent the last five minutes listening to Andrew's idea for making a movie."

"BUFFY!" Willow yelped.

The bell rang, before the five members of the Scooby Gang quickly made their excuses about needing to get to class and vacating the library. Andrew tried to follow them, but Snyder's hand on his right shoulder prevented him from doing that. "What-?"

"What's this movie that Summers just mentioned about?" Snyder demanded.

"It's nothing, sir, just an idea I had -" Andrew stammered.

"Tell me," Snyder commanded him in no uncertain terms.

"But I'll be late for class -"

"I'll write you a note for the teacher," the balding principal interrupted viciously. "Now talk, or else!"

Andre, not exactly being the sharpest stake in the shed, quickly did so.

"DETENTION!" Snyder roared angrily, letting go of Andrew and glaring at him fiercely. "SEE ME IN MY OFFICE, AFTER SCHOOL!"

"But, but Principal Snyder -"

It was hopeless trying to argue with the man, of course, Andrew's goose was well and truly cooked. But on the bright side, at least Sunnydale High's production of Romeo and Juliet wasn't attacked by flying demon monkeys later that year.

Although, it could be argued the use of Jonathan's 'magic bone' was actually a lot worse.

Editing by: dogbertcarroll

Written by: Starway Man

EN: Someone cared enough to write a second chapter, so here it is. Not my style, but enjoyable. More an anime feel, or maybe that's just me.