Picnic Pains

A/N: After weeks of traversing the fiery pits of Mordor, I return with a vengeance. Which means I was hella busy with other shit and now I'm finally free. Anyways enough random talk, to the fic!

When Ulquiorra woke up that morning he knew his day was going to be awful. He wasn't sure why, but sometimes he got the occasional feeling of dread when his alarm clock sounded in the morning. Of course he woke up anyway; no self respecting curator would skip a days work just because he was feeling iffy, just he learned to be more...cautious.

"I'm glad you are awake Ulquiorra." The green eyed espada sprang out of his bed upon hearing the voice, which may not have been the best idea since he slept naked. "I have some news for you."

Luckily for him it was Tousen who had snuck into his quarters. "Of course commander Tousen, although why did you not save this for breakfast?"

"Apologies but this is urgent." Ulquiorra straightened up and prepared to hear dire news. The shinigami had stormed the stronghold? It was time to take the Soul Society? What could it be? "We are having our first annual picnic today and you are to dress appropriately for the occasion. That is all." Then, just like a ghost, he vanished.

One name came to Ulquiorra's mind upon hearing such ludicrous news; Orihime.

-At Orihime's room-

"But I thought it would be a great idea!" She protested, ignoring the death glare she was receiving from her protector.

"Woman, I have no idea how you managed to clear this with Lord Aizen, but you are either going to go back in there and remove it from existence or I shall cero you into dust."

"Aww but Ulqui! This way I get to meet everyone!"

"You already know every espada we have." His eyes narrowed. "Wait...what are you attempting to accomplish with this?"

"N-nothing..."

"You stalled there for a moment."

"No I didn't!"

"Yes you did, I just saw you. Remember, my eyes..."

"See everything in this place, yes yes we know Batman." Grimmjow recited, sticking his head around the door and grinning. "Now if you two would stop arguing we can go to this thing."

Orihime smiled and nodded. "Sounds good to me. Did you get all the food made?"

The sexta espada held up a small basket. "Damn right I did! Turns out some of the low level arrancars can actually cook pretty well. I've got a bunch of em cooking my meals from now on in exchange for me not beating the shit out of them."

"...How did I not expect you to be a part of this?" The green eyed man face palmed. "How many others? Tell me now so I can prepare for the impending stupidity."

"Orihime! I got hold of some 'wine' like you asked!"

"Szayel...why did I expect anything else?"

He grinned as he poked his head around the other side of the door to Grimmjow. "Well she made a compelling argument for it! A fun meal with everyone we know and I get to test my new drug-...I mean, have fun with everyone!"

A hand suddenly appeared on the top of his head. "You know, its for that very reason that I'm currently debating either killing or kissing you."

"Staaaaaark!" Orihime squealed as the older man strolled through the door. "Wait, where's Lilynette?"

Starrk grinned. "Well since there's alcohol and...*ahem*...different foods I was forced to leave her in the care of some of Baragann's Fracción."

Grimmjow laughed. "You could at least pretend to look a bit more sad at that."

"I could, but that's too much effort and this is my day off."

"So..." Ulquiorra whispered, scanning the room carefully, "That must mean that he is..."

"Right behind ya!"

"Gahh!" Gin's sudden appearance behind him made the curator lose all of his composure for a moment, causing him to instinctively leap forwards in surprise, straight into Orihime.

"Owww!" She yelled as they collapsed into a tangled mess on the floor. "Ulqui!"

The Silver Shadow laughed. "Aww look at the cuties! Maybe we should give 'em some privacy..."

"When you die I shall lead a three day celebration." The hollow on the floor growled before quickly removing himself from Orihime.

"Yeah...bet it'd be a blast." Gin stuck his tongue out and laughed. "Now...everyone ready?" The group nodded as one. "Goody good! Ready kidda?"

Bright red and still on the floor, the human girl stumbled to her feet. "S-Sure thing. Yeah!"

"Aaaaaand do I get a tha-..."

"Thank you Gin!" She sprang forward and hugged him, almost causing the general to lose his footing as Ulquiorra had done moments before. "I can't believe Aizen agreed to it!"

Grimmjow shuffled uneasily. "Wait...so this fucker was the one who helped you?"

Orihime smiled and nodded. "He was the first person I told!"

"'Course I love a good picnic so I said yea!" The glint in his eyes caused the espada present to shudder. "'N Aizen's not bad! Just need to know where he keeps the tea..."

Immediately Ulquiorra's day went from terrible to apocalyptic. "W-What do you mean you know where the tea is kept?! How long have you had this information?!"

"From the start of course."

"...Woman, remind me never to drink any tea unless it has been previously tested." Orihime nodded and the green eyed espada sighed. "This farce makes perfect sense now. I suppose we may as well get it over and done with..."

-Two hours later-

"Grimmy pass the sandwiches!"

"Fuck off they're mine."

"Staaaaarrrrrrrk! Grimmjow is being mean!"

"Grimmjow, give Orihime a sandwich."

"...Fine, have your shitty sandwich then."

"Hey don't throw sandwiches at me!"

"Why not? The fuck you gonna do; set your boyfriend on me?!"

"M-Me and Ulquiorra aren't..."

"Ya seem a bit defensive there hun."

"General Ichimaru I can assure you that one of these days you will fall by my sword."

"Like Orihime fell on yours?"

"...Nnoitora remind me of how well you fared in our last fight?"

"Enough!" Tousen ordered, his head pounding from all the shouting. As expected the past two hours had been nothing but continuing arguments and food fights that got progressively worse. Finally he had reached the end of his tether. "This has been a complete disaster as predicted! Lord Aizen, I request that you order this to disband immediately!"

The ruler of the stronghold merely shrugged. "Actually I'm rather enjoying it. It's giving me plenty of insight into the lives of my most valued soldiers."

The only one that didn't quiver in fear was Gin. "Well ya should say hi more oft'n then!"

"Gin you know how much I care about all of my subordinates, but I don't have the time sadly."

"Ya could cut out the tea breaks?"

The next five minutes was filled with unnatural silence as the two highest ranking officers stared each other down while everyone else slowly backed away whilst grabbing as much food as possible. Surprisingly Ulquiorra was the first to speak. "So...are we free to go?"

"Not until we finish." The two spoke as one and everyone immediately sat back down.

Starrk sighed. "I'm not drunk enough for this. Szayel, pass me more of this wine."

"Actually Starrk we're just out of-..."

"Sake then. Just give me anything with ethanol in it."

Orihime nudged Ulquiorra in the side. "I didn't know hollows could get drunk."

"Only those with a special kind of stupidity can achieve it." He answered monotonously, wishing he was one of those hollows.

"Sorry Starrky boy but I got there first." Grimmjow laughed and threw the bottle at the primera espada.

Starrk obviously dodged and the bottle shattered against Baragann's face, who took immediate offence. "Boy you shall die for your insolence!"

"You'll have to catch me first!" The sexta espada replied, unleashing Panterra and running away as quickly as possible.

Zommari rolled all of his eyes. "As expected they are at it again."

"Just like Ulquiorra and Orihime were the other ni-...OW WHAT THE FUCK?!"

"Slanderous lies such as that should never be allowed to spread."

"YOU WANNA GO?! I'LL TEAR YOU APART!"

Orihime jumped between the two. "Guys guys calm down! Picnics are supposed to be peaceful!"

"Two weeks o' chores on Batsy." Gin said, appearing beside Halibel with his trademark smirk.

"For that last time Gin I'm not taking another one of your stupid bets!" She glared at him and shoved him away before returning to her apple.

Tousen face palmed. "Typical."

-That night-

"Woman you should eat your supper."

"No thanks...I'm not that hungry."

"...I see." The curator's shoulders drooped. He knew exactly why she was doing this and exactly what he had to do to stop it. "Well then...in that case, I apologise."

She turned to look at him. "Oh? What for?"

He swallowed. "For ruining the picnic by engaging Nnoitora in a battle. I felt it was necessary at the time but now I see it was merely foolish of me to be baited by him."

"Oh that? Don't be sorry, you're only hum-...well you did what you thought best." Orihime smiled quickly before her face twisted. "Its just..."

Immediately he was beside her. "What is it?! Are you hurt? Poisoned? This must be Gin's doing somehow..."

"No I just...ate too many sausage rolls..." She held her stomach and sat down on her bed. "They were just...so good..."

Ulquiorra stood there in silence for a full minute trying to comprehend how someone could be such an idiot. "Well...in that case..."

"Thanks for caring though."

His eyes focused and he found her smiling at him once again. "My duty is to make sure you are ok, nothing more. Now sleep woman and never attempt another one of these ventures again."

"B-But I have a tummy ache..."

"And if you do not sleep the rest of your body will join its pain. Sleep."

"...Night then Ulqui." She lay down and shut her eyes on his command, but soon opened them again when she heard no response. "Say good night."

"Why? You have never asked me to do this before."

"Um...because..."

"It is neither a good nor a bad night. This night is the same as every other night." He blinked. "Unless there is some sort of night picnic..."

Orihime laughed. "No no; its just a saying silly!"

"I see...Well I suppose in comparison to the day it is good. Good night woman."

"Good night Ulqui." Her eyes closed and she went back to planning their next venture; the moonlight stroll in Hueco Mundo.

A/N: Sorry for this taking forever but exams are a thing and they suck. But all of them are over now so I'm free to drink, drink and merrily drink! Also maybe write some more fics. If you're lucky :P Anyways hope you enjoyed this :)