Getting Gin Good
A/N: I survive miraculously. So far in these things Gin has been giving out some pretty serious shit, so I thought maybe it was time to turn the tables on him. Or not... :P Ahh read and you'll see...
"Gentlemen I have gathered you here today to..."
"I'm not a gentleman."
"...Fine, gentlemen and Halibel..."
"I'm not one of those either."
"...Gentlemen, Halibel and Orihime. Now the..."
"You will address me as King boy!"
"...Gentlemen, Halibel, Orihime, Ki-..."
"Hey! Well if he's getting his own title then I want one too!"
"What makes you think you deserve it pussy cat?"
"The fuck did you just call me you wrinkley old cu..."
"ENOUGH!" Ulquiorra slammed his hand down on the table. "We are wasting valuable time bickering amongst ourselves while the real enemy is out there!"
Orihime shuffled in her seat uncomfortably. "The Soul Society?"
Starrk shook his head. "No, worse than that."
"Ichigo?!" Grimmjow sprinted to the window, grinning in excitement.
"Far worse than that." Ulquiorra said solemnly.
"What is this threat then?" Nnoitora asked and began sharpening his blade in preparation.
"Thank you for asking finally." Ulquiorra snorted then picked up the remote from the table. Pointing it to the middle of the room, he clicked play and a small video of a certain white haired shinigami popped up. "It goes by the name of Gin Ichimaru."
The group jumped back in surprise, which was very unfortunate for Grimmjow since his back was still facing the open window. "The devil himself?!"
"Indeed." Starrk gravely confirmed. "Of every threat to us he is the greatest by far. I don't need to remind you all about the Corridor incidents or the Shower débâcle do I?" Everyone shook their heads. "Good, now you are all gathered here today to help Ulquiorra and I come up with a counter measure to him."
"Impossible!" Zommari cried. "He is too powerful! He would wipe us out before we even began!"
"Attacking that monster is suicide!" Szayel agreed and shot out of his chair. "In fact he probably already knows we're in here plotting against him! We should run while we still..."
"No need for that." Ulquiorra shooshed his friend. "I checked the rota and Gin is currently minding the menos. Additionally I removed every bug from the room that I could see, and as you all know..."
"Your eyes see everything." Everyone said in unison.
"Precisely." The corners of the curator espada's mouth twitched. If he hadn't been more careful, he may have actually smiled at that. "Now I'm sad to say that due to his high rank killing or maiming him too severely is out of the question..."
"This is bullshit then!" Nnoitora roared, slamming his fists against the table. "What's the point of this meeting if I don't get to disembowel the weakling?! I'll never forgive him for putting that bees nest in my hat, never!"
"However..." Ulquiorra continued, "That does not mean that lesser injuries are prohibited."
"Or messing with his head." Starrk added grinning. "So...any ideas?"
The group was silent for a moment while they came up with their various plans. Surprisingly Aaroniero was the first one to speak. "We think we should absorb him and take his place."
Baragann's face twisted. "And have you runts ranking higher than myself?! I'd rather die! No I plan on ageing him a few hundred years so his bones will creak and his joints will be as sore as mine were after the show-..."
"Poisoning his sake!" Szayel quickly said before they could all be reminded of that terrible terrible event. "I could use one of my lesser ones that would make him produce metric tonnes of shit?"
Halibel thought about that for a moment. "...Who's on toilet duty next week?"
"Gin himself." Ulquiorra allowed himself a slight smirk. I mean nobody could actually see it without a microscope, but it was totally there. "Yes I like this plan."
"But...uh..." Orihime started but trailed off when she saw their excited faces.
Starrk however had her back. "You were saying Orihime?"
"Oh...just that...uh...wouldn't he just blame the person cooking his food for poisoning? They could get into a lot of trouble..."
Halibel snorted. "Who cares? The one on cooking duty this week is..."
Right on queue Grimmjow scrambled through the window panting. "So...what'd I miss?"
"We're giving Gin special Laxatives and you're taking the fall for it." Starrk told him, giving him a thumbs up and a smile for added support.
Grimmjow of course didn't need that. "Cool. So what do you fuckers want me to do?"
"Slip exactly three drops of this substance into Gin's evening sake." Szayel commanded, producing a small vial from the inside pocket of his coat. "The measurements have to be exact. Any more and you could kill him."
Grimmjow smirked like the Cheshire Cat. "Yeah...I'll totally do that." He swiped the vial from the scientist's hand and walked out the room laughing manically.
Zommari sighed. "You realise he's going to use all of that right?"
"I know. What a shame he he."
"...so do you still have that special 'substance' I was asking fo-..."
"The plan is settled then." Ulquiorra straightened up. "Now the rest of the group will have to act normal so that Gin suspects nothing."
"Obviously." Barragan snorted. "The Silver Fox is a wiley one."
"Perhaps we should prepare a decoy prank to distract him?" Halibel suggested and all eyes moved to the unnaturally silent tenth espada.
"...N-Now hold on a minute guys..."
-At the evening meal-
"...and that's the end of my report Lord Aizen." Tousen finished, concluding his fifteen minute power point presentation on the plants on the windowsill.
"Thank you Tousen, that was very informative." Aizen's gaze drifted to his second General. "Gin, what do you have to tell everyone?"
"Well they're still there ya see." He grinned and leaned back on his chair. "I got bored counting 'em so I just played Tetris on the laptop. Think the numbers the same as las' time."
Aizen smiled at him. "Well done Gin! You have outdone yourself this time. Hopefully for your next report you will actually include figures and do some of the work I asked you to."
"Yea yea sure thing Captain Aizen." Gin waved his superior's comments aside as he turned to face Yammy. "So wha' happened to you? 'N where's ya zanpacto?"
"..."
"Had to gag him I'm afraid." Nnoitora laughed evilly. "After the...insertion he wouldn't stop screaming. Figured you guys wouldn't want him ruining the atmosphere."
"How disgusting!" Tousen spat.
Gin, however doubled over laughing. "Why'd ya do that ya meanie?!"
Nnoitora shrugged. "Well he was being a prick so I figured I'd give him one back."
"Charming." Ulquiorra stated and rolled his eyes. The group wasn't going to resort to something so crude initially, but the discussion about the the ruse ruse broke down after Barragan systematically insulted every person in the room.
"...stupid children..." Barragan groaned. After he'd make Orihime especially upset by making a particularly nasty comment about her cooking, Ulquiorra had taken it upon himself to teach the old man a lesson. Usually this would have ended with the doll-like espada broken on the ground, but since all the other espada present ganged up in her defence too he gave the ex-king of Hueco Mundo a beating he would never forget.
"Aaaaaaaand dinner is served!" Grimmjow called, entering the room pushing a trolley full of plates. "Hope you enjoy eating shit as much as you enjoy talking it you old fart." He quipped before picking up a plate full of excrement and shoving it into Barragan's face. Yeah...everyone had Orihime's back. She was too nice for them not to after all. And by god Grimmjow wasn't going to pass up an opportunity to piss off the dickiest espada.
"So what have you prepared for us today Grimmjow?" Aizen asked, ignoring the espada's internal squabbling as usual.
The cat-man cleared his throat. "Today my fracc-...I mean, I have prepared some medium rare chicken for all of you, served with a side of assorted vegetables, mashed potato and gravy."
Starrk grinned internally as Grimmjow distributed the plates. "Knowing him he'll have made the dish extra dry. Gin will have to drink the sake now."
"I must give credit where credit is due..." Ulquiorra thought as he bit into the chicken that had just been served to him. "This is drier than I thought possible."
As if on prompt, Gin asked "So where's th' sake?"
"Right here idiot." Halibel grumbled, picking up the sake from the tray and throwing it at the smiling shinigami.
He caught it of course, being used to having this done to him every time he asked. "Better look next time Jaws." Laughing, Gin proceeded to pour out and cup and drink it.
Szayel watched him with baited breath. "The effects should be almost immediate. Any minute now he's going to start feeling it..."
Grimmjow, also intensely watching his superior, sat down and bit into his chicken. He almost hissed when his teeth pierced something weird. "The fuck?!" The sexta espada cried and dropped the piece, allowing a small, chewed piece of paper to slip out. Picking it up carefully, he read the words "We are so sorry master Grimmjow, but do NOT drink the sake."
Of course nobody else noticed this since they were too focused on Gin, who started coughing. "G-Guys...aren't ya...*cough*...aren't ya gonna drink with me?"
Smiling, everyone else present proceeded to pour their respective drinks and drink them before Grimmjow could stop them. Instantly Szayel jumped up. "What the hell?! This is..."
"He he fooled ya!" Gin immediately stopped coughing and winked at the pink haired man. "Compliments to the sake maker."
"H-How did you..." Starrk started before clutching his stomach.
"Why now of all times?!" Yammy yelped before standing up and sprinting to the toilet.
Aizen chuckled and Tousen shouted "What in the name of Justice is going on here?!"
"Well ya see..." The Silver Fox stood up wearing his trademark smirk. "These guys tried to poison me, so I just gave 'em a taste of their own medicine."
"H-H-How?!" Grimmjow yelled, jumping to his feet and pointing at the other man. "How did you even pull this shit off?!"
"Oh god..." Orihime gasped, watching the rest of her comrades keel over in pain.
"You will have to do better than that to fool Gin I'm afraid." Aizen said, lightly chuckling at the spectacle. "After all, he is the master of trickery."
"Lord Aizen...may I die now?" Ulquiorra politely requested before eloquently crapping himself.
"Orihime, Grimmjow." The two unaffected people's heads whipped round to face their leader. "I think the others will be requiring some looking after for the next few days."
"Yes Lord Aizen." The said in unison and quickly ran over to carry the others to their respective toilets.
Once outside the room, Grimmjow asked "Hey, how come you're not dying like the other losers?"
"I...I don't know." She answered honestly.
"Gin...spared her again...?" Starrk asked, grabbing Grimmjow's shoulder for support. "The hell is with that?!"
"I do not know..." Ulquiorra managed before resting his weight once again on Orihime, "But perhaps we could use it to our advantage..."
The next few days consisted of clogged toilets and nine very irritable espada. This was made even worse by the fact that Gin had managed to shirk his cleaning duties so he didn't even have to clean up. Still, at least Yammy got his sword back...
A/N:There goes another chapter, hope you enjoyed it :)
