Legal Crimes 2

Previous chapter: ANYASEMF015

John frowned when he noticed he was out of toilet paper. "They never mention that speedsters have to go to the can more often," he complained. "Looks like I have to go out today, it'd take too long to have it delivered."

He didn't much like going out, it was far too bright and peopley out there. Plus, this being the DC Universe, there was a good to fair chance you'd have to deal with an alien invasion.

OK, probably not, but the people alone were reason enough to avoid it.

He quickly got dressed and grabbed everything he needed, jacket to carry a book (IT) and a backup book (or two) in case he finished the first one before he got home.

"Another downside to superspeed is how fast you run out of things to do," he said with a sigh. Video games became too easy and everything seemed to take forever at times. "Barry probably became a hero just to avoid boredom. Mental note: send Barry a copy of The Ballad of Barry Allen."

He caught a taxi to the bank to get some cash as he disliked anyone who paid by check, making everyone behind them wait, and because it was faster.

He'd have liked to use a charge card, but data mining was infinitely worse in the DC Universe than it was in his home reality. Here you didn't just have to worry about Google shading your search results to push their political slant, you had to worry about some insane genius suddenly needing your brain for an experiment he wanted to run, or for a clandestine government agency to kidnap you for the 'Greater Good' as a disposable assassin.

He read a book while he waited in line having to consciously slow himself down so he didn't blaze through it before he got to the front of the line.

"Next," the woman behind the counter called out when he'd reached the front.

He noticed she looked nervous when he stepped in front of her. "What?"

"Bulge," she said making a vague gesture.

John checked his zipper. It was up.

"I meant in your pocket," she explained, looking a lot more relaxed and even a little amused.

John emptied his jacket pockets, revealing another two books. "I'm a compulsive reader," he explained.

"I see you read John King," she said with a smile. "Is it because you have the same name?"

John laughed. "That's one reason," he agreed, putting his books away and getting out his wallet.

"What did you think of that orgy scene in the sewer?" she asked as he passed her a withdrawal slip. "It just seemed so out of place and in poor taste."

"It was supposed to be," John replied. "The story was about children taking on adult roles, but not quite getting them right because they were using children's points of view and symbols. It's similar to how young boys will cut themselves and press the wounds together to become blood brothers because they don't understand that shedding blood together is talking about young men being wounded in battle."

"Huh, that does make sense," Gladis, according to her name-tag, said. "I'd thought it was just for shock value, but looking at it that way… that works," she worked while she talked.

John accepted the cash she passed. "Thank you."

"Thank you," she replied, "have a nice day."

"You too," he replied and left, slightly surprised that no one had tried to rob the place while he was there.

He hopped in the taxi, which had been happy to wait for him with the meter running. "To the nearest grocery store, please."

"On it," the cabbie replied cheerfully and pulled away from the curb.

John finished the book he was reading, finding the ending unsatisfying as the hero was a bit of a dick and no one ever called him on it. He decided to write some fanfiction addressing that oversight the moment he got home.

"And we're here," the cabbie said.

"Thanks," John said, passing him a twenty. "Grab some coffee while you wait, I'll meet you out front when I'm done."

"Thanks, boss," the cabbie replied with a grin.

John headed straight for the toiletries isle and filled his cart with toilet paper, added a dozen tubes of toothpaste and a couple of toothbrushes. Toothbrushes did not take well to being used at super speed he'd discovered.

He looked at the two lanes and chose the longer one as the other one had an old lady with a fist full of coupons and he was willing to bet she either planned on paying by check or with pennies that she'd have to count several times to make sure she had correct.

He ended up grabbing a couple of tabloid newspapers to read in line.

Reading the tabloids, he was surprised to discover how much they actually got right. 'Maybe Agent K was on to something there.'

He'd just gotten checked out when it all went to hell.

"Everybody stay right where you are!" a drunken and disheveled man ordered before firing a shotgun in the air, making everyone flinch.

"Alan, you can't keep doing this!" a blonde woman who wore too much makeup and was several months pregnant protested.

"But I love you!"

John sighed heavily. This was going to take all day and it wasn't even that important except to the individuals involved.

The sounds of sirens made him groan as he realized hours had just been added onto how long this would take.

'Wait a second, why am I even still here?' he thought to himself. He vibrated his molecules to the correct speed and zipped through the wall and onto the sidewalk out front.

"Damn, I forgot my bags," he complained as he saw the cab waiting for him. He gestured for the cabbie to wait and vanished back inside returning in a blink of the eye with his bags.

The startled cabbie popped the trunk and he loaded the bags into the back.

"Police, freeze!"

John turned around and saw two cops were pointing guns at him. "My receipt is in the bag," he said, not at all worried.

"What about the mess inside?" one of the officers demanded.

"Some drunken guy named Alan has a shotgun and fired it off into the air yelling about how he loved this pregnant blonde over at the service desk," John explained. "I'm not getting involved in that tangled mess."

"You just happened to be there?" the female officer asked doubtfully.

"I am out of toilet paper," John said reaching in and pulling out a roll, "and I certainly didn't knock her up or get him drunk."

"But you've got powers," the male officer said confused.

"And?" John asked. "Just because I've got super speed doesn't mean I've got to shit in the woods."

"No," he said trying to explain himself, "I mean why didn't you help?"

"I'm not a police officer nor have I had any training in fighting crime, I'm just an author, I write books," John explained.

"But it would be easy for you and it's the right thing to do," he said reasonably, holstering his weapon and speaking earnestly.

John read the name-tag on the officer's jacket. "Parker… what's your first name?"

"Ben," he replied.

"What's your girlfriend's name?" John asked suspiciously. This all fit together too well.

"I'm not his girlfriend!" the female cop exclaimed.

"I didn't say you were," John said as the red-haired officer glared at him and holstered her weapon, realizing he probably wasn't involved as supervillains didn't normally rob grocery stores.

"Her name is May," Ben said, trying to build a rapport as they had taught him on the force. "What's yours?"

"John," John replied. "I just have one question for you."

"Yes?"

"How would you finish this phrase?" John asked. "With Great Power Comes -"

"Great responsibility," the young black officer answered instantly.

John held out his hand. "John King."

"Ben Parker," the officer replied, blinking as a rush of energy hit him.

"Mr Parker I have just given you super speed. I have a feeling you'll use it much better than I have," John said, deciding to just go with his first impulse. Super speed had turned out to have too many disadvantages when you wanted a quiet life anyway.

"What?" May asked in shock, shooting a worried look at her partner.

Ben vanished in a blur of speed, the vacuum he left behind causing a loud pop.

May's radio cracked and Ben's voice came over it, "Situation is handled, May. Call the precinct and let them know."

"I'm on it," she answered back before heading back to the patrol car.

John closed the trunk and got in the car. "Home please."

"What was all that about?" the cabbie asked as he pulled out.

"Some drunk shooting up the grocery store to prove his love for a cashier," John replied. "The cops are handling it."

The cabbie nodded and returned his full attention to the road. John gave him another twenty as a tip when he dropped him off.

John returned home in good spirits, the continued urge to be doing something gone and with enough toilet paper to last a month, since he'd no longer be going through it so fast.

"Home, sweet home," he said cheerfully. 'Super powers are too much of a bother anyway, they're just asking for trouble to come knocking on your door.'

One week later

John got up off the couch to answer the door. His writing output stayed the same since he'd taken the precaution of typing up all the books he'd planned to release in the next five years after Batman had left and made several copies of the files so a destroyed laptop wouldn't slow him down, so he had more free time and was ready for a distraction.

He opened the door and everything went black.

"But he should have been able to dodge that!" Kid Flash complained as John slowly regained consciousness.

"What did I miss that didn't miss me?" John asked as he slowly sat up, his left eye throbbing.

"Kid Flash decided to greet you with a high five to the face," Robin offered.

John looked around to find the entire team there. "Why are you guys here?"

"We thought you'd rethought the entire hero deal, since a black clad speedster has been helping the police for the last several days," Artemis offered.

"No, I'd make a lousy hero," John said, "but I decided you might have a small point about powers and gave mine to someone more deserving," John explained.

"Which is why you caught my high five with your face," Kid Flash realized.

"Bingo," John said.

"You can transfer powers?" Artemis asked.

"I can remove and restore the connection to the speed force when I have a connection," John explained, "but I gave my connection to a worthy soul, so no I can't transfer super speed to anyone anymore."

"Sorry about your face," Miss Martian said.

"It happens," John said, rethinking the no powers idea.

"But you could give yourself a connection to the speed force again," Kid Flash said, "you know the formula."

"Go ahead, I've written a few more chapters," he told Miss Martian, seeing her hesitate to ask him something and guessing what it was.

"Could you give yourself super speed again?" Robin asked.

"I could, but I won't," John said. "It bored me to tears a lot of the time because it made the world around me so slow."

Miss Martian giggled as she read the latest chapters of fanfiction starring her from his mind.

"If you're being honest with us then why have you used your Martian defense on her?" Superboy asked suspiciously.

"I'm a writer, I write," John said, "and she is the audience, so of course I let her see the additional chapters."

"She still won't tell us who it's about besides her," Artemis said with an amused smirk that said she knew who it was about.

"Actually, I wrote alternatives with nearly every member of the team," John said. "Super speed gave me way too much time."

"Who did you exclude?" Robin asked.

"You because of age and Wally because I already paired him with Rachel and I added her as an additional member of the team in these stories," John said. "I really didn't like her ending in canon despite it being necessary to the plot."

"You paired her with me?" Artemis asked surprised.

"I don't know your tastes," John said. "So, I paired you with nearly everyone including her in various stories as a background couple."

"How much more does she have to read?" Kid Flash asked as Megan blushed.

"Feels like she got most of it," John replied. "She's reading the fake chapters and discarded ideas pile now".

"Tentacles?" Miss Martian said tilting her head.

At everyone's stare John felt the need to defend himself. "I did say discarded ideas."

"Um… is there any way I can get new chapters without coming here and reading you mind?" Miss Martian asked hopefully.

"I can email them to you," John replied, "but remember to send me reviews of them in payment."

"This was a waste of time," Superboy said turning and walking out.

"Sorry about the face," Kid Flash apologized again before following him out with Robin.

"Thanks!" Miss Martian said hurriedly, giving him an embarrassed smile before rushing off.

Artemis gave a simple wave and the silent Aqualad a nod as they departed.

The door closed behind them leaving John alone and making him super aware of how much his eye hurt.

"Ok, super speed is super boring so it's off the table, but there are some other options," he said thoughtfully, "preferably ones with healing abilities."

OoOoOoOoOo

The phone rang waking John from a sound sleep. "Hello?" he asked blurrily, only half awake.

"You have to get out of there!" a young man's voice said urgently. "The League of Shadows has found out you possess the speed formula and they're on their way to kidnap you!"

The sounds of breaking glass echoed through the room.

"Well, thank you for ensuring I couldn't be kidnapped in my sleep, but if you'll excuse me, I seem to have some visitors to deal with. Have a nice day," John said hanging up the phone.

A pair of black clad assassin's rappelled down through the broken skylight.

"You are the worst ninjas ever, did anyone ever tell you that?" John asked curiously. "And what is it with people breaking my skylight?"

The black clad assassin with the feline mask spoke first, "We are from the League of Assassins. We have need of something you have inside your head."

"And I have need of a new skylight," John replied annoyed. "A couple more hours sleep wouldn't go amiss either."

"You think we are unprepared for a speedster?" she asked with a smirk.

"No, I think you are only prepared for a speedster," John said with an evil grin.

Cat raised a pistol and a soft psst noise could be heard as a dart slammed into John's skin and bounced off.

"This could be a problem," the one who looked like he was trying to get sued by Marvel Comics noted as he raised his arms and shot black goop from the back of his hands to cover John from the chest down where it quickly hardened in place. "Or not."

"Why are you here?" John asked, trying and failing to hide his amusement.

"To take you to our master," Cat said proudly.

"OK," John said cheerfully. "I hope you brought some heavy equipment."

"What?" Cat asked confused.

"You've glued me to the cement floor," he pointed out giving up and breaking out laughing. "Like I said, worst ninjas ever."

Cat turned to Spider. "Please tell me you brought solvent."

"I…" he trailed off embarrassed.

The rest of the skylight shattered as the team of young superheroes made their appearance.

"Seriously," John said shaking his head, "what does everyone have against my skylight?"

"Cheshire!" Artemis growled out, drawing and releasing a net arrow that Cheshire sliced in two with her katana.

"Sister," Cheshire said mockingly.

"We're here to rescue you," Miss Martian assured John taking up a guarding position in front of him while Robin and Kid Flash joined Artemis in attacking Cheshire who set off a sonic grenade that caused everyone to lose their balance except the two villains.

Spider threw a pair of flash pellets at the ground, adding blindness to everyone's problems before Cheshire added a couple of smoke bombs and they escaped in the confusion.

"Three out of ten for attack, but a solid nine for the ninja like escape," John said as Aqualad crushed the sonic grenade with a lash made of water.

Robin recovered and climbed to his feet. "I'm glad we got here in time."

"You've saved me from the two most inept ninjas whoever nin-ed," John said shaking his head.

"Pardon?" Aqualad asked.

"When they realized they couldn't tranq me Spider-Nin gooped me to the floor," John explained. "He also forgot the solvent and they didn't have any way to cut the floor under me so they could remove me."

"Why couldn't they tranq you?" Robin asked.

John flexed and tore apart the black goop holding him in place. "Tranquilizer darts can't penetrate my skin." He started tearing off the black goop which came off like masking tape. "Augh!" he cried out in pain wincing and half crouched, tears in his eyes.

"What's wrong?!" Miss Martian asked concerned as she helped him stand.

"I just gave myself a full Brazilian," John explained dropping the section of black goop that had ripped all the hair off his balls. "My brand of invulnerability doesn't seem to extend to my hair."

"Ouch," Artemis said with a wince.

"That is why I choose not to grow hair below my neck," Miss Martian explained, patting his arm.

"You've got super strength now?" Robin asked in disbelief.

"Yeah," John said with a relieved sigh as his enhanced healing took the pain away. "Super speed was super dull, but after getting KO'ed by Kid Flash I decided a bit of invulnerability was in order."

"How?" Robin demanded.

"I'm not telling you," John said, "I've already got one group of supervillains after me because one of you guys blabbed."

"They broke into our computer system," Kid Flash argued, "no one told them anything."

"You put the information in a place they could steal it, thus blabbing," John disagreed.

"I don't suppose you've got any extra super powers laying around?" Artemis joked.

John considered that. "Would you prefer powers like Kid Flash or Superboy?"

"Really?" she asked surprised.

"You're a hero," John said, "and while I find the entire business morally objectionable, I trust that you will also use your abilities in ways I would agree with, to legally help people like search and rescue and disaster relief."

"That is part of our training," Aqualad agreed.

"You're seriously going to just give someone super powers?" Robin asked in disbelief. "Why am I even asking, you've already empowered one person."

"I know a hero when I see one," John replied. "I'm not handing them out randomly."

"You don't need powers to be a hero," Robin told Artemis.

"That's true, you also don't need a bullet proof vest to be a police office, it just makes the job safer," John told her.

"Could you put on pants?" Kid Flash requested.

"I need to get all this goop off first," John said. "Hey, Superboy. Could you tear this stuff off my back?"

"Sure," Superboy said.

John winced as Superboy ripped all the black goop off with one big yank. "I'll go get some shorts," John said.

"Why don't you have a separate bedroom?" Miss Martian asked curiously.

"Because I don't have guests over," John replied as he retrieved some basketball shorts from his dresser and put them on.

"How do we do this?" Artemis asked eagerly.

"I'll mix up a batch and inject you with it," John said. "It's painful as hell, takes around four hours to complete the process, you'll eat like a horse and sleep for an entire day. Schedule it for when you have a weekend free and I'll allow a female chaperone like Wonder Woman or Miss Martian, as long as they promise not to share the details with anyone. In fact, I'm going to have to insist on a female chaperone as you'll be unconscious for a good chunk of time and you heroes jump to the weirdest conclusions given the chance, like claiming I eat kids because I have a walk-in freezer and watch anime."

"Probably a good idea," Artemis agreed.

John sat on his couch and carefully peeled the goop off his legs, taking all the hair with it. "Is there anything else you guys need, because if not, I'm going to get some sleep."

"The League of Assassins is still a threat," Aqualad said. "You should come with us until we have resolved the matter."

John looked at the mess that the break ins from the two groups had caused. "Yeah, maybe I should. At least this way they can break your stuff instead of mine."

"That's the spirit," Artemis said amused.

John picked up his cell phone and arranged for a crew to come in and clean and repair everything.

"Give me a second to pack a bag," he said.

"Are you really going to let him give you superpowers?" Aqualad asked curiously.

"Would you like to get rid of yours and fight crime as a normal human?" Artemis countered.

"No, I quite like being who I am," Aqualad pointed out, "but then I was born this way and it is quite normal for my people, you will be changing yourself, which is a different matter."

"Fine," Artemis said. "Hey Kid Flash, wanna give up your super speed?"

"Hell no!" he exclaimed, hiding behind Superboy.

"I have no problem fighting crime without superpowers, but that doesn't mean I'm going to turn them down when offered," she explained, "that would be beyond stupid. It'd be like Batman becoming Amish and refusing to use technology."

"It'd give me another person to spar with," Superboy told her, looking forward to it.

"You'd also the best person to teach her to control her strength," John said, carrying a large green duffle bag. "You guys have internet right?"

"Better than commercially available," Kid Flash said.

"Good, I spend a lot of time on the net," John said. "Hell, I practically live there," John briefly considered building a pod to make that happen, but lacking the full Matrix it would get old, so he discarded the idea.

"What's your computer security like?" Robin asked curiously.

"Security through obscurity," John replied, "much like when I walked through bad neighborhoods as a kid, my defense is looking too poor to rob."

Robin winced, visibly pained. "I'll help you with that," he said, almost against his will.

"You are at least half a foot taller and much more muscular than when I last saw you," Kid Flash noted.

"It's the formula," John replied, "it also slows your aging. Of all the possible means of empowerment available it is really the best option."

"What's the downside?" Robin asked. "There are always downsides."

"You have to get used to your new strength, it's best to make sure all your immunization shots are up to date because you won't be able to get a needle through your skin, and it's inheritable, so be prepared for superpowered kids," John replied.

"Sounds reasonable," Robin admitted.

"What about kryptonite?" Artemis asked.

"You won't be Kryptonian," John said, "no needing solar power or weakness to kryptonite, also no flying or super senses."

"Flying would be awesome," Artemis said as Miss Martian floated the group up into her ship.

"What about super speed?" Kid Flash asked.

"A decent amount, but nothing like what you have," John admitted.

"Know any good ways to fly?" Artemis asked.

"Johnny Quick figured out how to do it by using the speed force," John said, "but I have yet to learn how. I suspect he managed to input speed to the rotation of his atoms for lifting power. I wouldn't try it inside of a spaceship," he warned Kid Flash.

Kid Flash nodded. "Maybe while in a pool."

"Shock absorption while experimenting is important," John agreed. "The easiest way would probably involve asking Hermes for the gift and he'd probably send you on a quest to earn it or possibly getting Hephaestus to make you an enchanted item, but once more you'll probably get a quest."

"Ask a Greek god?" Kid Flash asked.

"Wonder Woman could introduce you, she knows them," John assured him. "Of course, you have to consider who you are asking as to the nature of the quest you get. Hephaestus is a pretty reasonable guy and his quest would probably involve building something high tech. Not sure what Hermes would ask, you'd have to see what Wonder Woman thinks."

"That's your idea of easy?" Artemis asked. "Asking a god?"

"When you have an 'in' with Wonder Woman? Absolutely," John said. "In terms of strength and reliability of flight power you can't go wrong."

"You have a very strange knowledge base," Robin said.

"Writer," John replied with a grin.

Typing by: fyrewolf5

AN: I'm surprised so many people liked this one, but since you all said you did and left reviews, here is another chapter.

TN: Who doesn't like a sarcastic SI that mocks all the stupid things in comics?