Wet Blankets

A/N: Ok so this idea got suggested by ulquihime7980 and it was a pretty sweet one so I had to give it a shot. Here goes nothing :P

Seconds. Minutes. Hours. Days. They all passed by as slowly as decades in Las Noches. Despite the occasional fight or prank between the arrancar, nothing ever seemed to happen that was of much importance. As of such, most days were incredibly boring for a certain human captive living there.

"Ulqui I'm bored!" Orihime groaned on one such day.

"Why is this my concern?" He replied, not bothering to look up from his book. This conversation was one they had on a daily basis, and so after the first ten cycles he simply memorised the responses necessary to quiet her down instead of diverting his attention away from his story, which was 1984 today. "Perhaps we should increase surveillance here..."

"Can we do something today that's fun?"

"Woman I am assigned to watch over you. I am not your personal entertainer."

"But I want to go outside!"

"You are to stay in this room during this time slot and that is final."

"But I can leave to organise a trip then?"

Now what Ulquiorra expected to hear was "So I have to stay here all day?!", and so that was the question he responded to. "Yes and that is final."

Therefore when Orihime got up and skipped out the door he was totally stunned. "Woman what did I just tell you?" He asked, appearing in front of her to block her way.

"That I could leave to go organise a trip." She replied, smiling sweetly at him.

He didn't return the sentiment. "I just told you that you would have to stay in your room all day."

"Nah you said I could go organise a trip."

"Do you doubt my ability to memorise what I said moments ago?"

Despite his growing aura, she went straight to the point. "Erm...I guess?"

The two stood silently in the hallway for a moment while he processed that. "...You will return to your room immediately."

"But you said..."

"I said nothing of the sort."

"B-But you didn't! Just look at the tapes of my room and..."

"You. Will. Return. To your room. Now."

Orihime was genuinely shocked. I mean sure she hadn't expected him to just sit down and accept that he was wrong, but he was being a bit overly decisive about this. "Almost like he'd been hurt..."

"SMOKEBOMB!" The cry went and the next thing she knew she was in the arms of Grimmjow.

Ulquiorra was left in a daze. "I see no smoke, nor a bomb. You are mistaken Grimmjow." He looked down the corridor at the running espada. What is the meaning of this?"

"It's a distraction you idiot!" He called back before disappearing round the corner.

"Oh...I see..." The curator muttered before using Sonído to catch up with them easily. Eventually he was side by side with the cat man and his charge. "While I accept that you two share a deep bond of stupidity, I am afraid I must escort Orihime back to her room now."

"But you just said you'd let her go to organise shit." Grimmjow replied, taking a violent left turn to try and escape his pursuer.

He failed. "I can assure you I said nothing of the sort."

Orihime sighed. Any other person would be wondering how Grimmjow had overheard everything, or more importantly why he was kidnapping her away from Ulquiorra, but her time spent in Las Noches had desensitised her to the strangeness of it all. "Ulqui you did I swear! Why won't you just accept it?"

The way her voice trailed off at the end of that sentence almost made him take it all back. Almost. "Because you are blatantly attempting to manipulate me into doing something against my will that I will mostly likely not enjoy."

"But activities are fuuuuuun!" Grimmjow whined before running into a dead end. "Damn the corridors changed again!"

"Indeed, and now it is time for you to ha-..."

He was cut off by the wall exploding beside him and Szayel grabbing him. "I'll distract him, you both run!"

The pair saluted their saviour and dived through the new hole before Ulquiorra could KO him. Sadly for them Szayel was out within a matter of seconds...

...only to be replaced by Zommari who Sonído'd on top of him out of nowhere . "Apologies but I have been hired to detain you."

"Me too shit head!" Nnoitora laughed, crashing through the ceiling to add insult to injury as well as actual physical back injury.

"Why have you all turned against me?" Ulquiorra questioned them.

They both shrugged and answered "Grimmjow bought us over."

The curator scowled. "Why did I expect anything different. No matter; I shall simply deal with you two and then..."

"That won't be necessary Ulquiorra." Aizen's voice crackled over the speakers, causing all of them to stop instantly in their tracks in deathly fear. "It seems like you are all in quite a predicament. Do I need to assist you in solving it?"

"Not at all Lord Aizen!" They all answered, although Nnoitora added a few "fucking"'s to his.

"Excellent. Now I predicted such a mess would come about and so..."

"Ya mean ya watched the security tapes right?" Gin's voice crackled through, cutting out his captain's. "I mean ya were down there las' time I checked so..."

There was an abrupt end to his voice and a painful scream while Aizen cleared his throat. "Apologies for that interruption, it won't happen again." At this point Grimmjow began praying for his soul. "As I was saying, I predicted this..."

"HE WATCHED THE TAPES! LIES I TELL YA, LIE-..." Gin's voice returned for a brief reprise of denial before being permanently silenced by what sounded like a gun shot.

Zommari started crying silently as Aizen continued without missing a beat. "...and so I took the time to inform you all that Ulquiorra was indeed wrong; Orihime was allowed, without my permission I may add, to leave her room to plan activities."

"I knew I was right!" Orihime cried with happiness, but looked around only to see solemn faces.

"We'll make sure to bury you with your favourite tea."

"And I'll create a special grave stone to ward away predators from eating your body."

"I'll look after Orihime while you're gone..."

"...and I'll help with my dick." Nnoitora finished, although his eyes didn't have the usual gleam.

Ulquiorra sighed. "Thank you all I suppose, although Grimmjow you must..."

"I will allow the breach of rules on this occasion."

They all blinked in unison. "Did he..."

"However in future I insist that you come to me with these decisions." His soft laughter sent shivers down their spines. "My my Ulquiorra, you've turned into quite the trouble maker."

"Apologies Lord Aizen, it will never happen again." The fourth espada mechanically told his master, silently jumping for joy. Well, by Ulquiorra standards. By normal standards it would be akin to having a tiny smile after seeing a moderately funny picture online.

"No matter, I stand by what I have just said. That is all." And just like that the voice of god stopped talking to them.

They all breathed a collective sigh of relief, then Orihime spoke. "So...now do you believe me?"

"I do."

"And...?"

"And I believe that you were correct in what you said."

"Which would mean...?"

"That you were correct."

"...So that would make you...?"

"Yeah Ulquiorra, what would that make you?" Grimmjow laughed, butting in on the pair's conversation like he usually did.

"It would make me want to rip all of you apart." He replied, restraining the urge to grab his zanpacto and do just that.

Szayel grinned at him, rubbing his head as he got up from the ground. "Ohh now don't be a sore loser. Just admit you're wrong and we'll..."

Of course he was put straight back into his crater. "Do not test my patience. It is not infinite."

"So its not like how much you were wrong?" Zommari chuckled. "Because, you know, you were wrong. That's why its funny."

"Yeah we got that dipshit." Nnoitora rolled his eyes. "But yeah admit you're wrong. Also that you're a cu-..."

"Finish that sentence and I shall finish your life." Ulquiorra warned then turned to Orihime. "Now woman you had better decide what activities you wish to do on this 'trip' before I start raising the body count in this place."

"Hmm..." She thought, ignoring the growing spiritual pressure around her. "Well I suppose I should ask the others first what they would be up for." However as she looked around her, all she saw was several espada tensing up to fight one incredibly pissed Ulquiorra. "...ok so I better decide before one of them dies. Erm...the beach could be a fun day? Then again it may be winter in the real world and that would suck for me. What about a trip to a landmark? Again, not the best plan because knowing them they'd probably end up destroying it in a fight. Hmm...oh! What about..."

"...and that is what I will do to you if you even consider touching my tea." The curator finished and began cracking his neck.

Luckily for Grimmjow just as he was about to form his first cero Orihime stepped in front of him. "Water park!"

He looked at her as if she had a second head. "Excuse me?"

"I think we should go to a water park together!"

"Woman why would we ever need to go to such a ridiculous thing?"

"For the trip! Water parks are great fun Ulqui and there's plenty to do."

"This idea is terrible."

"Agreed." Grimmjow said, suddenly shivering.

The all seeing fourth espada of course saw this weakness and figured out instantly that this activity would make his team mate very uncomfortable. He did the only natural thing he could do for his fellow comrade. "Nevertheless I agree. We shall go to one of these 'water parks' for your trip."

Grimmjow paled. "N-Now hang on a minute g-guys..."

"Whatever you want, I don't give a shit." Nnoitora shrugged then thought about it. "Wait...water means bikinis right?"

"Not a chance." Ulquiorra glared him down before he could even motion to the human girl.

"Whatever Lord Aizen wishes, I shall follow." Zommari told them. "And as this is an extension of his will, I shall follow it whole-heartedly."

This left the sexta espada desperately looking for Szayel for support. "Come on man this is insane! This idea totally sucks ass!"

But Szayel simply smiled. "I dunno, it sounds like it could be fun. A whole day out in a human resort would be very valuable for my research into the leisure activities of them. Not to mention the lack of clothing on most of them..."

"Ahem!" Orihime cleared her throat to stop him, but they were both already blushing. "S-So this is a go ahead then?"

"No! No no no! Absolutely not!" Grimmjow yelled but was quickly silenced by Nnoitora's fist.

"Yep I'm going to see hot girls!"

Ulquiorra rolled his eyes. "We are going to the water park woman, yes."

She shot them all a smile. "Thanks guys! Ok well tell everyone else here about it and I'll have a think about which one to go to. Erm...meet in the throne room in about an hour or so?" They all nodded and she ran off to get her things sorted.

"Why do I feel like I have just agreed to another horrific decision"? He sighed then put his hands back in his pockets. "No matter, this venture cannot go any worse than the previous ones."

He could not have been more wrong.

A/N: Yeah this is gonna be a two parter because I want to do this justice haha. I will get the next one out soonish though, like within a week, since I'm finally rehoused. Yey!