Gin-On

A/N: I keep having these weird dreams about a writer who never finishes his work. The guy seems like a total douche, and has been stringing along ideas for years while sitting on his ass eating doritos and playing Devil May Cry instead of finishing up. Completely unrelated to me of course, but still...weird right?

"You definitely aren't batman." Szayel sighed, relocating his broken arm for the fourth time in the past few minutes before prompting dislocating it again on the screen in front of him.

"But...but..." Ulquiorra began before he was interrupted by yet another hado blast to the face. Another blast, I should add, that the arrancar had failed to block. "My eyes..."

"DON'T SEE SHIT!" Grimmjow yelled, clutching his dripping wet tail and running around in circles. "WHY AREN'T YOU CALLING THIS SHIT MAN?!"

It was safe to say that the infiltration was not going to plan. Or even going to be fair. As soon Ulquiorra announced his 'secret identity' to the floor, the literal floor of the laboratory had given way to untold horrors and the espadas had been plunged into what could only be described as their own personal pandemonium.

All, of course, except for Orihime. "Um...guys?" She called, peering down at the others from the only remaining bit of flooring in the place. "What's going on?"

"THE FUCK DOES IT LOOK LIKE?!" Nnoitora screamed, being assaulted by giant cans of pesticide spray labelled 'little bitch baby pesticide 5000'. "THE DARK GOD HAS COME FOR OUR ASSHOLES!"

"Save us please...I didn't sign up for this!" Aaroniero whimpered, crawling into the corner of the fishbowl that had suddenly encased them covered in IOU's and late due bills. "Wait, I thought you paid the council this month?...I got pizza instead."

"We live in Heuco fucking Meundo; we don't even have a council! Dammit keep it together!" Starrk yelled, fending off several mutant children all screaming for chocolate after bedtime. "It's Gin's neutralisation methods! Just keep calm and...oh. Oh dear god no!"

"Oi Starrk, what's a condom?" An older clone of Lilynette asked, appearing alongside a few other clones holding an assortment of props no father figure would ever want to see. "And where does it fit?"

"What is tax and why do we need it?"

"Lol I spent my savings on these nails. Worth it!"

"So what if he has a face tattoo; all of you guys have them?! Dylan is like so my soul mate!"

Now Starrk was the Number One Espada for a reason. He was an arrancar of great resolve and tenacity, who has survived the toughest of climates alone even before Aizen came along and who's mere presence was enough to defeat many a strong opponent. But this...this was too much even for him. "...fuck puberty." Were his last words before passing out in a ball of parenting related stress.

"Starrk no!" Yammy yelled, slowly sinking into his own personal hell of overgrown cuddly dog plushies. "Dammit they're so. FUCKING. SOFT. WHYYYYY?!"

"Three eliminations confirmed!" A voice announced from an unknown location as two tiny part poppers went off in the middle of the ceiling.

Baraggan had hit his limit. "ENOUGH! I AM THE GOD OF THESE LANDS AND I WILL NOT..." He was cut off by yet another questionable jet of fluid that doused his deathly flames. "...why the hell does this taste of bull sperm?"

"HOW DO YOU KNOW HOW THAT TASTES?!" Grimmjow screamed, avoiding the super soakers that had been lined up along the sides of the walls to squirt at him.

"Starrk was right!" Halibel roared, fending off the giant sushi chopping blades that were assaulting her. "Focus and regroup! These are meant for psychological attacks; they can't actually..." A blade cut deep into her back. "ARGGG DAMMIT YOU DUMBASS FOX! HOW ARE THEY GETTING FASTER?!"

Orihime blinked at the chaos beneath her before finally snapping out of it and reaching down towards it. "G-GUYS...HOLD ON I-..."

"STAY BACK!" Szayel told her, his face struggling against contorting in a mixture of disgust and embarrassment at the fail-video compilation in front of him. "It's incredibly dangerous down here so just ke-...OH COME ON?! THAT ORIFACE IS NOT FOR JARS!"

"FUCK THAT COME SAVE MY ASS!" Zommari screeched, his many eyes darting around at the small pulsating lights that were assaulting him. To any of the others this would have been little more than a minor incovencience, but to someone who was currently under the influence of highly potent faeces... "NO NO I'M GONNA...ARGGHHHHH!"

"Player 4 has left the game!" The announcement cooed as Zommari fell into the worst acid trip of his hollow life. Though to be fair he'd only dropped cat shit twice before so he didn't know how to prepare himself. ...ok maybe three times...four tops...

Ulquiorra, however, was somehow keeping hold of his sanity. "Orihime," He called out, his voice strangely calm given the current existential crisis he was being given by his invisible assailants, "Can you see an exit?"

The redhead whirled around on the spot, making sure to keep her balance whilst she searched frantically for a way to save her friends. "Um...I...I can't see one!"

"Do not see one, find one." The curator reassured her, barely flinching at the unseen hado attack he tanked to the face despite its constantly increasing strength of the blasts, "Find one like you found me."

Orihime blushed, but her search continued in vain. "I-I'm sorry Ulqui I can't. Please; let me come and help you out!"

Ulquiorra shook his head, a ghost of a smile forming. "You already have. And with your help I intend to overcome not only this onslaught, but also..."

"BLERGGGG!" Nnoitora threw up, "FUCK THIS SOPPY CRAP AND GET US OU-...oh." His single eye blinked as he realised he had thrown up directly on the spray can's mechanisms; destroying them through sheer dumb luck and stomach bile. "Neat. Ok yeah, go back to doing whatever works and shit; imma go laugh at Halibel and Szayel."

"N-N-O STAY BACK!" Szayel called, trying his best to conceal the video playing behind him. See, while the others had increasingly painful physical attacks, Szayel's videos had becoming increasingly psychologically damaging until they culminated in his ultimate bane. "IT'S VERY D-DAMAGING..."

"Wassap 'spadies! It's ya boy, Szayel here and today I'm going to list my top ten things I want to do with Nnoitora's gigantic co-…" The voice of a younger octava espada began before his current version cero'd through its hidden mechanism to cut it short.

And through Grimmjow's spray bottles in the process. "Whew! Thanks a tonne there Sz-...um, you ok man?"

The pink haired scientist had his head in his hands and was glowing red. "Please...please tell me you didn't see that."

A strong hand clasped on his shoulder and squeezed. "Y'know, if I hadn't just been chased around by bug spray cans crafted by satan himself, I'd tell you to exactly how you should kill yourself." But as Szayel turned slowly and horrifiedly upwards, he only saw a bemused grin from his crush. "As it is you get a free pass."

Szayel's eyes lit up. "You mean...?"

Nnoitora laughed. "Oh no, this is never going away! I'm gonna rip the shit out later for this literal gay shit...but for now, let's get out of this SAW knockoff."

"OHHHH YA WANNA PLAY A GAME?!" Gin's voice boomed through an unknown speaker and the lights fell on the three espada's who had freed themselves and Ulquiorra.

"YEP WE'RE OUT!" The others yelled as they were simultaneously assaulted and trapped within caja negación.

Ulquiorra blinked. "Why am I..."

"Now now batsy; patience." A recording of Gin appeared on the wall of the laboratory, sporting the same shit eating grin of pure malevolence he always did. "Like 'a said; game time!"

Grimmjow shuddered. "I mean...I know it's a recording but it feels like..."

"Shhh kitty; don't make me get the water bottle."

"GOD PLEASE GET HIM AWAY FROM ME!" The frightened cat screamed, cowering behind his own tail as the man in the projection acted out a spraying motion with his hand.

Recorded Gin's grin widened. "Let's keep this short, 'kay? By now you're probably bored stiff without me and are lookin' for trouble, so here's the deal; you four play nice and maaaaaaybe I'll give you a good prize."

Szayel scowled. "We do not have time for..."

"There's always time for fun lil Szayel!" The Silver Fox laughed shortly. "Tell ya what; lets sweeten the deal. You win and I'll even give ya that cute ryoka girl too! Sound good?"

The quartet blinked and looked up at the now empty platform Orihime had been on. "When?! I didn't even hear her go?"

Grimmjow priced his ears up, but all he could hear was the ominous turning of cogs and wheels throughout the whole structure. "Guys...this sounds bad even by Gin standards."

"Game starts now!" Gin yelled out and claxons began sounding throughout the building. The image began to deteriorate, but not before the games master uncharacteristically opened his pale blue eyes and stared directly at Ulquiorra and blepped his tongue out. "Bet ya didn't see that coming."

The other three tentatively looked at the hugely spiking reiatsu beside them and swallowed. "Ulquiorra...?"

There were no equivalents this time. No need to interpret his meaning or feelings through subtle gestures. Just pure. Unadulterated. Rage.

"I am going to fucking kill him."

A/N: Well with the world ending I may as well give it a good shot at keeping you entertained. Thanks for sticking by with my this far and thanks for the support! As a great man called Kronk once said "Oh yeah, its all coming together."