Chapter 4 Oh Crap, Malon helps again, but Zelda doesn't

"C'mon Fairy Boy," Malon said through her laughter. "Climb up this vine and go off to McDonHyrulealds."

"Stupid low hanging branch," Link said as he got to his feet. These trees really don't like me."

"Yeah, well Malon obviously does," Navi said.

"What's your point?" Link said standing up.

"You know the phrase: "hug a tree?""

"Yeah," Link said impatiently.

"Well if the trees don't like you, hug the things which do."

"Navi!"

In response to this, Malon ran over the Link and enveloped him in a big hug.

"Oh crap," Link said, struggling to get free. "Navi, give me a hand will you?"

"Sorry, this is too entertaining."

"Uh, Malon, would you greatfully mind... letting go of me?" Link said to Malon.

Malon let go, and smiled at Link.

"Now go find McDonHyrulealds," Malon said before turning Link towards the vine, and pushing him towards it."

"Uh, okay."

Link grabbed the vine, and hoisted himself up off the ground. Malon waved after him as he climbed. Link growled in excursion as he climbed up the vine.

"C'mon Link," Navi said, "use the brute strength. You know girls go crazy over mighty men."

"The girls are already crazy about me," Link said. "And believe me, it isn't necessarily a good thing."

"Yeah," Navi said. "If I'm lucky the clerk at McDonHyrulealds will be a girl, but if you're lucky then it will be a guy."

"Oh crap," Link said as he began to imagine the possibilities. "God, please make the clerk a man, amen."

Link made it to the top, and began walking across the raised ground. He then slipped, and fell down the hill to the opposite side of the gate.

"What was that?" one of the guards at the gate asked.

"Was it my mother's brother?" the second guard said.

Malon immediately ran up to distract the guards.

"Hello guards," Malon said. "Why are you standing here guarding the entrance?"

"Because we guard it in the name of my mother's brother!" they both said, rather proudly.

"Who is your mother's brother?" Malon asked.

"He is the brother or my mother," one said.

"What he said," the other said.

"Ooookay," Malon said. "Why does he want you to guard the entrance?"

"Because... because... because that is the definition of mother's brother," one said. "The one who wants the gates guarded."

"I thought you said the definition was the brother of your mother?" Malon said.

"Um..."

"Anyways, don't you think your mother's brother would rather the two of you go home and go to sleep? It's a late night, and you know what your mother would think of that!"

"What?" the guards both said. "Oh yeah! Mother said our bed time was eight o'clock! We'd better be going home."

With that, the two guards ran away as fast as they could.

"How was that Fairy Boy?" Malon said, giggling girlishly.

"Oh great," Link said panting. "Couldn't we have just done that in the first place instead of using that vine?"

"Sorry Fairy Boy," Malon said. "I didn't think of it until now."

Malon then walked up to the gate, and stretched her arm between the bars.

"Will you kiss my hand before going out, like a Knight would?"

"All right," Link sighed, "all right."

Link took Malon's hand in his, and kissed the top of it. Link then turned and walked away.

"Goodbye now, Fairyboy," Malon said, before looking at the top of her hand, where Link had kissed it.

"That was... interesting," Navi said, popping out of Link's hat.

"Shut up."

"Oh, the hero kisses the ladies hand. How romantic!"

"Navi!"

"Oh c'mon, would you have kissed Saria's hand if she had asked you to? No, you wouldn't have."

"Hey Navi, if you had women problems like I do, then..."

"Yeah," Navi said. "Most men talk about women problems, as in they can't get a girl, or they are having trouble in a relationship. Your problem is you can't keep them off of you."

"Shut up and lets just find the dang McDonHyrulealds."

"Yeah, uh, I think it's over there."

There, just up the pathway, in the shadow of Hyrule Castle stood a small restaurant with the word: "McDonHyrulealds" printed on the top.

"Oh yeah," Link said, "Big Mac-ayhosacawatchy time!"

"You know," Navi said, "I really wish they would shorten the name of that burger."

"What burger?" Link asked. "The Big Mac-ayhosacawatchy?"

"Yeah."

"What could they possibly shorten it to? Big Mac-ayho?"

"How about just Big Mac."

"You're crazy. No one would ever agree with that!"

"Maybe in the twentieth century they will," Navi said.

In the Twentieth Century...

"Hey, let's shorten the name of the Big Mac-ayhosacawatchy," Man1 said.

"What would we shorten it to?" Man2 asked.

"How about the Big Mac?" Man1 answered.

"Are you crazy?" Man2 replied. "No one will ever go for that."

"Yeah well, I'm going to rename them anyways.

The next week, the amount of McDonald's fans buying that burger doubles in quantity.

"Oh well, so I was off by a little bit," Man2 said.

Back to our regularly scheduled uh... eighth century or something...

"Oh darn," Link said, "it's closed!"

"Bummer," Navi said, "wait, read that sign."

"What sign?"

"The one at the bottom."

The sign read: "If you wish to buy a Big Mac-ayhosacawatchy when the store is closed, then go visit Princess Zelda of Hyrule."

"Oh great," Link said, "another girl."

"How much you wanna bet she falls head over heals for you at first sight?" Navi teased.

"Oh be quiet Navi," Link said. "If I were the Great Dekunament Tree I would say that thou talksts of nothing."

"Oh right," Navi said, "but you aren't a two ton tree with an sweat tooth for coffee, are you?"

Anyways, this argument went on for quite a while, with Link and Navi going back and forth. But finally, they managed to sneak into a secret garden which was supposed to be Princess Zelda's. On the gate which surrounded it, the words: "Zelda's Hangout Bin," were written, causing much confusion for Navi and Link. What the heck was a Hangout Bin?

Link opened the gate, and walked into the garden. Ahead, he saw the Princess looking in through a window.

"This would make a good story," Navi said, "Princess Zelda was found eavesdropping."

"Except I'm not a Gossip Columnist," Link said.

"Oh whatever," Navi said. "Just hurry up and ask her for a Big Mac-aywatchamacallit already."

"Now I'm getting nervous," Link said. "What if she attacks me?"

"That means a good show for me," Navi said.

"Shut up!" Link said a bit too loudly, for at that moment the Princess freaked out, and turned to face Link.

"Oh crap!" She cried out, when she saw that Link was watching her. "I wasn't eavesdropping on the hot new Hylian Guard, honest!"

"You were spying on a hot new Hylian Guard?" Link said in disbelief.

"Okay, that's just scary," Navi said.

"You can say that again," Link replied.

"I wasn't eavesdropping on the hot new Hylian Guard, honest!" Zelda said again.

"No not you," Link said, "I was talking to Navi."

"Oh," Zelda said. "Oh, and another thing, I am not that strange person who keeps writing anonymous love letters to him!" Zelda said rather decisively.

"Uh..." Link was speechless.

"You aren't very good at keeping secrets," Navi said.

"Okay, fine, I confess," Zelda said. "I was spying on the hot new Hylian Guard. But he is so adorable! Take a look."

"Uh Princess," Link said, "I can assure you that I won't think that guy is very adorable at all."

"Just look anyways," Zelda said.

Link sighed, and walked to the window. He looked through, and saw a very ugly man walking up to a throne, and bowing down.

"Holy crap!" Link said. "You were spying on this guy?"

Zelda took a quick peek through the window.

"No," she said, "of course not. That's this Gerudo Burglar who claims to be trustworthy, even thought he is a thief. The guard I was spying on is to his left."

Link looked through the window again.

"Oh, but he's like... the same age as you and me."

"So?" Zelda said, "I certainly can't marry an older guy and..."

"No," Link said, "I mean he looks a bit... young to be a guard. Your father hirde him?"

"Yeah," Zelda said, "you see, my father's a few sandwiches short of a picnic."

"Kind of like the Great Dekunament Tree," Link said.

"Do you have a stone?" Zelda asked.

"Do I have a what?" Link asked in surprise.

"A stone," Zelda said.

Link picked up a pebble from the ground, and placed it in the Princess' hands.

"No," Zelda said, rolling her eyes, "I mean do you have a green stone?"

"No," Link said.

"Oh good," Zelda said, "then you can go to death mountain and find me a shiny red stone!"

"Why would I do that?" Link asked.

"So I can give it to that hot new guard," Zelda said, with a dreamy look in her eyes.

"You mean that guy you're stalking... I mean pursuing?" Link asked.

"Yeah, that's him."

"Why don't you just go get it yourself?"

"Cause I got to stay here and make sure nobody gets this Electric Guitar of Time thingy," Zelda said.

"Why can't anyone get it?" Link asked.

"Because I said so," Zelda said.

"Ooookay," Link said.

"I'd say she's a few carrots short of a picnic as well," Navi whispered in Link's ear.

"That's sandwiches," Link said.

"Whatever!"

"But Princess," Link said. "We didn't come to you to do your chores, you see, we came on the account of there being a McDonHyrulealds which said..."

"Oh good," Zelda said. "There is a McDonHyrulealds at Death Mountain, go get 'er."

Link stood there with his mouth hanging open for a while, before turning around walking away.

"Oh great," Link said to Navi, "we went all this way to get sent somewhere else."

"Somewhere else?" Navi asked, "that's just great. We don't wanna keep the Great Dekunament Tree waiting."

"Why do we need to worry about that?" Link asked. "He's got, like, his own Espresso Machine with him in the forest."

"Oh whatever," Navi said, "but he doesn't want Espresso. He wants coffee."

"Doesn't matter," Link said, "lets just go."