Chapter 9 Navi: The Great Coordinator
Whew, after a long break its good to write stories about Link getting attacked by his many admirers again. Sorry for the long delay, I was bored of writing this one for a while, but just finally got back into it. Enjoy!
Dreams. Yup, Link fell asleep for seven years and he dreamed. What did he dream of you ask? Your better off not knowing. Okay fine. Well, first of all everything was framed with a background of donuts. First he dreamed that Zelda bought a new box of mushrooms, and was feeding it to a chicken. Then he dreamed that Saria was making out with him. Then he dreamed that one of the four Kokiri sisters was making out with him. Then Malon. Then the girl clerk at the Kokiri shop. Then Ruto. And then donuts. Lots and lots of donuts. And then, even more donuts. Then he dreamed that all the girls in Hyrule were chasing him. Then he woke up screaming.
"Link..."
"What?" Link looked up and saw Rauru. "Oh, hey Rauru."
"How did you know my name?" Rauru asked.
"I uh... I read your profile," Link said.
"Oh!" Rauru said. "Well, guess what. You've been asleep for seven years."
Link's eyes widened.
"Holy crap! Seven dang years! I must be... seventeen!"
"What a wonderful observation," Navi said, popping out of nowhere.
"Link!" Rauru said. "Look at yourself!"
Link ran to a pool of blue stuff that was not water and looked at his reflection. His eyes grew really wide.
"Holy crap!"
"Yes," Rauru said. "You're all grown up now."
"So I lost seven years of my life! Dang, I hate this crap."
"Oh quit your whining Link," Rauru said. "I tried my best to make it up to you. While you were asleep I played a lot of dating advice movies and "how to get a girl" instructions for you on the television so that your subconscious mind would absorb it. So now you are all prepped!"
"Oh! That explains the dreams."
"Now go save a Princess or something," Rauru then sent Link back to the real world.
"Oh," Link said. "Cool."
So Link waltzed right out of the Temple of Time and straight into Ganon infested Hyrule. When he walked into the market he noticed that all the buildings were broken and everyone had left.
"Woah crap!" Link said. "Was it the commies?"
Navi bonked him on the head.
"Communists don't exist in this game!" she said.
"Oh whatever," Link said. "Aw, he totaled my favorite restaurant! Now I'm angry!"
So anyways, they walked through the broken Hyrule Market, and called the insurance company to come fix it all.
"So we got warped to the future and all," Navi said.
"Guess so," Link said. "But why?"
"Maybe they have better Big Mac-ayhosacawatchy's in the future."
"So now I gotta get a Big Mac-ayhosacawatchy and a large coffee, go back in time, and then give the coffee to the Great Dekunamenut Tree?"
"Hmmm," Navi looked over at Ganon's castle. "Well you might say your supposed to beat the living crap out of Ganondorf, save the princes, then fight the true form of Ganondorf, and then run off with the burger."
"Hmmm," Link said. "Now there's an idea. Lets go look around and see what we can find."
"Right," Navi said.
"Okay!" Link then started skipping for the entrance like a kid.
"Uh..." Navi watched in disgust. "Stupid... mind of child in man's body thing."
So anyways they embarked on a mighty quest, fighting all obstacles to find the end. Okay, maybe it wasn't all that mighty. Link didn't do much fighting.
Anyways, with a hop, skip, and a fall off of a gigantic cliff they were on their way to the Kokiri forest. Little did Link know, but the Kokiri girls had laid a trap for him for when he arrived.
"AAAAAAUUUUUUGGGGGGHHHHHH!" Link screamed as he fell off a gigantic cliff.
So anyways he fell down to the Kokiri forest on his way to a trap.
"Hey wait!" Link stopped. "We're walking into a trap!"
"Says who?" Navi asked.
"The Narrator says! And he never lies, right?"
Right.
"Oh for heaven sakes," Navi sighed, "who'd want to set a trap for you?"
"The Kokiri girls!"
"Ooo. Well, that would be quite entertaining, lets go!"
"Noooo!"
Anyways Link was walking in the forest when suddenly he stepped over a trip wire.
"Whoops," Link said. "Was I supposed to have tripped over that?"
Then he looked up and saw a sign on a tree which said: "Link, trip on the trip wire."
"Oh, okay."
Link tripped on the wire causing a rope to wrap around his leg and hoist him up into the air, hanging him upside down a foot above the ground.
"Linky!" the Kokiri girls shouted as they ran out of hiding and started hugging him.
"Oh crap!" Link said as Navi started laughing.
Then he noticed something. All the Kokiri girls were grown up!
"Holy crap! I thought Kokiri didn't grow up!"
"Oh Link! You're so hot now!"
"Well apparently the Great Dekunamenut Tree tricked you," Navi said.
Far off the Great Dekunamenut Tree was laughing his head off while the Kokiri girls started squabbling over Link.
"I get to make out with him first!"
"No me!"
"No me!"
"The trap was my idea."
"But I set it up!"
"You're both wrong! It was my idea to trap Link in the first place!"
"Uh... oh..." Link moaned.
Navi burst out laughing.
"Shut up," Link murmered, "and hurry up and get me out of here."
"Why?" Navi chortled. "I like the entertainment."
"Mine!"
"Mine!"
"Mine mine mine!"
"Oooo," one of the girls said while stroking Link's cheeks, "you're cheeks are soooo soft!"
"Oh crap..." Link mumbled.
"Mine!"
"Mine!"
Well that went on for about an hour or so before Navi finally relented and magic zapped Link out of there.
"Okay, put your tray tables up and your seat back in the full upright position," Navi chortled. "We're busting out of here! Setting coordinates for the Forest Temple..."
"Just go already!" Link shouted.
"Hold on, hold on. It'll take a few moments to get the coordinates from the Navi-computer. Ha! Get it?"
Link gave her a dumb look.
"Get it?"
Silence.
"Navi-computer... and my name is Navi, right?"
"That's histerical Navi, now get us out of here."
"Fine fine, you kids these days have no sense of humor."
So anyways Navi activated the great Teleporter thingy majiger of all time, but she unfortunately got the coordinates wrong.
"What ever are we doing in the Kakariko desert?" Link asked.
"Gerudo Desert, numskull," Navi replied.
"Navi..."
"Don't say it."
"You-"
"Sh!"
"-got the-"
"Sh!"
"Would you cut that out!"
"Shut up! Quiet! Shhhhhhh!"
"But you got the-"
"-coordinates wrong, I KNOW! Give me a few seconds and I'll reset the coordinates."
"Forget it," Link said. "This time I'll take the train."
"Train?" Navi looked up. "What train? That's not possible!"
Before them stood a large train track with a blue tank engine with "I think I can" carved in the side of it.
"But its 1874," Navi said.
"1874!" Link said. "Are you crazy! We haven't even invented the Gregorian calender yet! Where have you been?"
"Uh... well I was just sitting around for seven dang years waiting for YOU to wake up! Jeez! Have some respect. What do you think I did? Knit the whole time?"
Flashback-
Navi sits around knitting the whole time.
"Shut up!" Navi roared.
Yeah baby, I love this book. I may not work on it steadily, but I love the pure craziness of it all. The next chapter will probably come along quickly so keek an eye out.
