Ayla didn't take Kris's advice. She didn't go to explain to her parents why her picture was in the paper. Or how she had become pregnant and by whom. She shut herself away. She closed the door on the outside world, and hoped that should she choose to open it again, things would be better.
Her parents were upset that much was sure. But Ayla had little doubt that they would be angry also. By now they'd know that she had quit her job, and lied to her boss, her uncle, to do so. Lying was not a favoured character trait amongst the Jenson's.
And then there was Flint. The suspected father of her child. She couldn't bare to face him most days. That he'd tried to help her before was fairly amazing, that he was still trying now was inconceivable.
It was his room that she hid away in. His door she had closed on the world. So it was somewhat difficult to avoid him completely. He checked on her hourly during that day, bringing her food and trying in vain to cheer her up. He'd tell her that people would understand, that no one judged her. But his gentle encouragements did nothing to stop her imagination from racing. From creating scenarios where people spoke badly of her and no longer wanted to be around her. She hadn't heard from her friends. And she doubted that they'd bother to contact her now. She was a shameful thing.
At night she'd creep downstairs. She'd tiptoe past Flint, unconscious on the sofa, and go in search of the day's paper. Her name was in it now. Rita Skeeter had gotten her information, and then some. Not only her name, but her history, and that of her family. All of it had come out. Her father's gambling debts, her sister's child out of marriage. Every last bit of information they could find was plastered across the pages of the Prophet. There was no way she could face her family now. Not when she had reduced their name to this.
She longed for her small home, and the comfort of her small bed. She resolved to wait two more days before she left Flint's home for good. Kristina would be over the worst of the illness by that time. Ayla would lock herself away in her own room, surrounded by her own things. The days passed slowly. The stories about her life were dwindling. She supposed that without a great many murders to write about the complete life history of a girl who had made one mistake was appealing. Even if the truth was running out. She checked the paper before she left for home, it seemed wrong to stop the ritual now. There was no truth in today's story. But she still felt shamed but it. By all of it.
She crept once more into the living room, past Flint's sleeping form and into the fireplace.
"Fifteen Winton Street." she said.
Flint's form stirred. But she was gone, she needn't worry that he might try to comfort her.
Ayla stepped out of the fireplace and into her own living room. Nothing had changed. It was as if the past five months had not happened. She climbed the stairs and headed for the bathroom. As quietly as possible she moved the chair that normally held wet towels to the window and climbed out. She sat down on the flat roof of the kitchen and looked up at the stars. The world was so big and she was just one person. She had no doubt that many people were suffering far more than her right then. But if anything, it made her feel empty. Her problems, though large, were not happening to her for the first time in history. She was not the first woman facing life as a single mother. Not the first to have poisonous ex. Not the first to feel lost and alone. It was little comfort to know all of this.
"There you are angel. I was worried for a minute." Kris said climbing through the window to join Ayla.
"How did you know I was here?"
"Your floo woke Flint. He sent an owl to let me know you were coming home. He didn't think he should follow you."
"But how did you know I was out here?"
"Felt a draft. And I knew I'd closed all the windows. So let me ask you a question, why are you out here?"
"I wanted to see the stars."
"They are beautiful. And they make you feel at peace right?"
"Not anymore. They used to take my fears away. But I think they've lost their power."
"Yeah? What are you afraid of? Maybe I can take it away?"
"Being alone."
"But you're not alone. You've got me and all the girls. And Flint. Your family will come round. They love you, they'll love your baby."
"But I'll still be alone."
"I don't understand, what do you mean sweetie?"
"There's always been this thought, at the back of my mind. That it's just me. That no matter what I do, it's always just me. I don't know how to put it into words."
"You don't feel connected to anything? There's the world, and everyone in it. And then there's just you right?"
"Yeah."
"You never really did get over the whole outsider thing did you? Ayla you're in the world. You're part of it. You're a part of me, and like it or not I'm a part of you. And so is that angel growing inside of you. I know you feel alone. But we're all here for you. We all care."
"Yeah?"
"Of course. Ayla your friends would never let you be alone. We'll never leave you. You're stuck with us. Me especially 'cos' I'm never moving out. Ever."
Ayla laughed and leant against her friend.
"I know. Deep down I know it's true, but I can't help feeling like that. I'm just used to it."
"I know mate. And you're having a tough time of it. Everyone just assumed once You know who died we'd all be fine. No more bad guys. But not everyone is good, and as much as we want to protect the people we love, they'll always get hurt. That's just life I guess. You get knocked down, but there's always gonna be someone to pick you up again. You're one of the good ones Ayla. You'll get knocked down, but you'll bounce back. You'll learn, and you'll grow. So no more sitting on cold rooftops alone at night ok?"
"Ok."
"Good, let's get in. It's freezing out here."
"Kris?"
"Yeah?"
"Thanks."
"No problem. Just promise me something?"
"Yeah?"
"That you'll pick me up when I get knocked down?"
"Promise."
--
Ok so I feel I should explain this chapter. Basically when I was about fifteen I felt more alone than I've ever felt in my life. It didn't matter how many people were around me or what they said, I just felt alone. I guess I'm not explaining this too well but I get what I mean. Not that that's any good to you lot. Basically this is my therapy (cheap I know) because once you start feeling that way it's hard to stop, this is me getting it all out in the open. Hope that helps you understand.
