Disclaimer: I do not own Avatar or any of its characters. I own Koima.

Chapter 30

In serious doubt

'I'm lost, I'm lost. I can't find Zuko. Where's Zuko!' First day on the ship and I was already hopelessly lost. "Suoh?" I called, hoping that one soldier would turn around and it would be Zuko. None did. There were so many soldiers I did recognize, but I couldn't call out to them for help. I felt small, alone without Zuko. 'Agni, please help me!' I prayed. Agni answered my prayer in the form of a jolly fat Uncle.

I saw Uncle Iroh in a corner of the galley drinking tea alone. Without appearing too direct, I made my way over to his table and stood beside him. Uncle Iroh looked up at me, puzzled, "Yes? May I help you?"

"Uncle." I whispered, "It's me." Iroh looked away quickly and concentrated on his tea, "Koi. What's the matter?" He asked, not meeting my eyes.

"I can't find Zuko."

Uncle's eyes darted around the galley, flicking from soldier to soldier, "He's over by the right door." He said.

I looked, "How do you know?"

He chuckled softly, "I know my nephew. It's by that bored stance of his. Go quickly."

"Thanks, Uncle." I left him and made my way over to the soldier leaning in the doorway. Why hadn't I noticed him before? It was clearly Zuko. "Suoh?" I said. The soldier looked at me. Yep. It was him. "Ryu."

I sighed, "Thank Agni I found you."
"I wouldn't be near Uncle. It would be suspicious. Avoid him in the future." I frowned but nodded.

"I told Jin." This took me by surprise, "but you sai-"

"I know what I said. But I learned that I can trust him. He knows who I am also. That is the only person who is to know. Understood?" I smirked, "How do I know you won't change your mind again?" I said insolently. Zuko looked at me hard. I looked away. I realized I was edgy and my comment was not appropriate. I changed the subject quickly, "How much longer to the North Pole?"

Zuko's answer made my heart stop, "A week."

"A WEEK?" I hissed. This was bad, very bad. A week on a ship of men that don't know that I'm a girl and that Admiral Zhao is captain of….

"What's wrong?" What is right? Nothing!

"Think about it!" I hissed, "A week on a ship, with men, bathing will be an issue since I lack certain anatomy and men will be 'suspicious!'" I said sarcastically, "Do you honestly think that I can keep my gender a secret for that long?" I was about to have a nervous break down right there. This was all too overwhelming. If I was found out…bad…bad things will happen to me. Zhao…if he knew. I closed my eyes, willing the imminent thoughts away. I felt sick. Did Agni not like me? Is that why he keeps making things difficult for me?

"Not to mention how I'm gonna be able to sleep." I added, "I can't sleep in armor the whole time." Zuko was silent. I could tell he was thinking hard. I found myself furious that he hadn't thought of this before. Did he think we could pull this off with so plan at all?

"Follow me." Zuko motioned. We left the noisy galley and headed for the barracks where we could talk in private without being overheard. The barracks were empty. Hammocks swung from the ceiling and clothes were everywhere. The smell of unwashed men was overpowering, but I had gotten use to the smell on Zuko's ship, so this was only mildly disgusting. Zuko took off his mask, exposing the horrible wounds on his face. I took off mine, grateful to breathe fresh air: that mask was most uncomfortable. I couldn't believe that men had to wear these!

Zuko made sure that we were alone before he could talk. "Can you go without a shower?" he asked. That was like asking me if I minded smelling like a Rhino stall. I gave him an obvious look, "No. Even Zhao had me take a bath every once in a while." Though he would always turn it into his own sick pleasure. I willed the memories away.

Zuko sighed, "This is going to be harder than I though-"

"You're not the girl, Zuko." I scowled. Zuko gave me another look, I didn't look away this time, but he did. "Okay, Um. Jin and I will guard the shower when your in there." Not a good idea, but I would have I put up with it. "Sleeping?" Zuko paused, "Um…give me a moment…"

;Zuko;

'Oh fantastic, Zuko! You're an idiot!' Zuko berated himself. How could he have over looked this? Koima stood, waiting expectantly. She was small, but Zuko was a bit scared of her. She waited, with the look of murder in her amber eyes, Anger at him for not being smart enough to keep her from being discovered by simple necessities. Zuko wanted to apologize, but his pride kept him from it. Koima was more moody than he had ever seen her. It worried him.

Zuko got it, "Go to sleep after everyone else does, and wake up before the others do." Not a very good one, but it was the best they had. Koi looked unsure, and Zuko wished there were other options. If only Koima could change into a boy---That's it!

"Koima, can I cut your hair?" Zuko asked. Koima's eyes grew wide, "What?"

Zuko told her what he had thought up, she was silent at first, but then she nodded, "Sure. Most of it is burned and singed anyway." She touched the damages hair sadly. Zuko took out his dagger and got behind her, "You ready?"

Koima closed her eyes tight, "Yeah, just do it."

Zuko sawed through the hair and it came out in his hand in clumps. He hated every second of it, he had long dreamed of running his fingers through her long raven-black hair as they kissed, but now he would only enjoy that simple pleasure in his dreams.

He cut it short, silently relieved that it will grow back to its original length in a month or so; she has abnormally quick growing hair. IT had been down past her shoulders before he cut it.

"I get it from my mother." Koima said when he questioned her, "Earth Kingdom hair grows very quickly, quicker than any other hair. I'm glad she gave that trait to me. I like having long hair."

Zuko pulled the dagger away and inspected his work. Koima waited, "Well? Do I look more boyish?" She said glumly. Her hair fell around her ears ad was short in the back. It was surprisingly good in Zuko's opinion, his first hair cut that he had given to someone. It made Koima even better looking, if possible, despite the cuts and burns on her face. She definitely looked more boyish to anyone who happened to see her. She would be called a 'Pretty boy' for her soft features.

Zuko nodded, "It will have to do. You do look a little more boyish." Koima touched the freshly cut ends and sighed. "Thanks."

Zuko put the dagger back into his armor. Footsteps echoed down the hall and it was coming near them. Zuko put his helmet on quickly and so did Koima just as the person came in.
The Commander from earlier stood in the doorway. He looked at them suspiciously, "What are you two doing in here? Where-" His gaze fell to the floor at their feet. Zuko looked down at Koima's black hair. SHIT!

"What is that?" The Commander questioned and went to inspect. Zuko looked at Koi, "It's hair, Sir. I was giving my brother a quick trim. He was complaining that it kept sticking to his face under the helmet. It's taken care of. I'll clean the mess, Sir." Zuko said smartly.

The Commander looked at Koima, "Well, let's see how it looks." Zuko swallowed and could only imagine what Koi was thinking. 'I'm found out now.' Was the most likely.

"Go ahead." Said Zuko in what he hoped was a bored, uncaring tone, "Show the Commander what I did to the back of your head." He said. Koi got the message. She turned her back to the Commander and tilted up her helmet for him to see her freshly cut hair.

The Commander nodded, "Alright. A little on the uneven side. Clean up the mess before the Admiral sees it and you both get punished."

'The Admiral: Zhao.' That was one person he and Koima must avoid at all costs. The Commander left and they relaxed. Koima reached up and flicked Zuko's helmet, causing it to ring in his ears, "Uneven? You cut my hair uneven!" She made as if to hit him, "I wouldn't let you give a Rhino a haircut!" Zuko smirked, a little of Koima's humor was showing, no doubt to hide her fear.

Zuko played along, "You kept wiggling. Of course it's uneven. You squirmed like a jelly fish."

Koima's eyes twinkled with laughter and Zuko smiled.

(Hey. All you guys out there…you might feel uncomfortable reading this chapter…. Warning.)

:;:;:; Koima;:;:;:;

'You have got to be kidding! Not today! Not this week!' But the ache in my stomach told me otherwise. I wanted to cry. I wanted to die. Not two days on the ship and my….well. I was in Black Widow mood. I locked myself in the bathroom stall and tried to make do. On Zuko's ship I would stay in my room the whole day by myself. I was very…moody during this time and I didn't want to be around anybody!

'Keep a stiff upper lip, Koi! There's nothing you can do to stop it.'

My orders that day were to be below deck and I was in charge of checking the boiler gauge. Icharu came into thought, that had been his job before….well, it had been his job.

Boiler room duty is easy, so easy that, in fact, that everyone would just sit around and talk about 'guy stuff.' I would be stuck with these guys for four hours. Fantastic. I was less than enthusiastic with painful cramps in my stomach. Agni truly does hate me.

I sat in the corner by the boiler, staying out of the ring of men that talked and laughed with each other. Some had their helmets on and others didn't. In both cases, I didn't recognize any from Zuko's ship.

"-and so I was able to marry the guy's daughter." One man told a story, "Pretty little thing. A little empty in the head, but their better that way. They don't argue as much and they do whatever you say." Oh, Charming.

Others began relating their own tales and their troubles with life and love…if you call it love. I closed my eyes and tried to block out the flow of conversation. My stomach cramped and I winced. I hate everything right now. I imagined being home and none of this ever happening. The thought was just too sad and my heart began to ache. Dammit, now I'm emotional.

I wanted a bath, I wanted an easy nights sleep. I wanted to stop hunching over whenever I'm not in armor to hide my chest. I wrapped myself tight with bandages to hide them.

'It won't do you any good complaining' A voice said. I agreed and banished away the wistful thoughts.

"-well the way I heard it was that Earthbending girl blew the whole ship up! Killing herself and Prince Zuko." My eyes snapped open and I was instantly alert. Earth bending girl: Me! People think I blew up the ship? I listened to the men talk. We were common talk apparently.

One of the men nodded, "Should've let Admiral Zhao take care of her. She'd be down in the cells, where she can do no harm."

"Won't do any good now. Both of 'em are dead, at the bottom of the ocean with the fishes nibbling out their eyes." What a horrible thought! How much longer do I have this shift?

"Four other men died as well. They were in a boiler room explosion and couldn't come. The last blast killed them."

The men looked around the room, "Creepy." It was ironic that we were in the boiler room also, I smiled wryly.

"Anyways, the Admiral is pissed that he didn't get that girl back. The Prince kept her for himself, supposedly. No matter how much General Iroh wanted to hand her over to Admiral Zhao." The man shook his head, "Did you see Admiral that night? He looked like the devil! He almost killed a man for just being in his way in the halls. I wonder what that girl was to him?"

'You don't want to know.' I thought, glancing at the gauges again. I wanted to die, my stomach hurt so bad and life felt like it was never going to get better, especially now that I'm on Master's ship. Why was I thinking like this? But it felt like the thoughts were always there. I had no real home, my family is dead, I'm a disgrace to both the Earth and Fire Nation, No one would love me, I will never be able to have children. My mind went back to the man in the Blue Mask. I haven't seen him since that night I got this necklace. I felt the stone crystal against my neck. I never take it off. I never want to. But I have a feeling I will never see him again. A tear leaked from my eye and fell down my cheek…..


I was depressed when I wrote this chapter. I had broken up with my ex and he was so heartbroken about it I felt bad. But two or three weeks later, Brandon and I got together and I have never been happier!

Sorry it took awhile. I've been busy.

I got hired at McDonalds where I now work with my Mexican Brother, Shawn. And I got my braces taken off! Hehe! I can't stop touching them! It feels so weird! I've been writing a lot. But I figured that if I stop writing and start typing, my stories will be posted faster. So I stopped writing and been on the computer a lot to write. I want a lot of reviews. Again ya'll have been sadly lacking in them! Amy is angry!

I missed part of the first episode of the Avatar movie. How did Zuko get off the mountain? Did he get to do the lightning thing? Someone please tell me!