stone cold, stone cold... (I)


Summary of the chapter:

"Is something wrong, Naruto?"

"…no."

. . .


Today starts with a not-so-solitary walk through the village.

Well, no, it actually starts with an unceremonious awakening in the middle of his bathroom floor with no recollection of where he is or why he is where he is for the first thirty seconds. Then it goes through to a freezing shower that manages to freeze the very scorching, filmy thoughts in the back of his brain too. And through, to the slow, lethargic process of stepping out of the shower, getting dressed, and the peculiar feeling of thinking something is missing but not knowing what it is, its vacancy leaving a catatonic daze in the wake for him to submerge himself under, lost. Then on to taking a superficial grip of himself with the unestablished, routinely appearance of his ghost acquaintance. But this is where Naruto currently is now, walking along the more or less busy street of Konoha.

Out of the corner of his eye, he sneaks a look at his former teammate, walking alongside him in surprisingly quiet fashion—surprising given his recent disposition to keenly provide unwelcome commentary, that is.

"What." Naruto breaks the almost habitual, almost obstinate hush. "Not in a talkative mood today?"

"Just so we're clear on this, I'm always in the mood to chat it up." Sasuke answers naturally, as if this isn't one of the most inane sentences he has strung together yet, the side of his cheek caving in with a bit of a wry smirk. While Naruto broke the silence, he's the first to break eye contact. "But today you look way too spaced out for some harmless back and forth. Just thought I'd avoid adding insult to injury."

Now, they both know that's not true.

Naruto doesn't divert his gaze, lingering on the almost atypical behavior. And even if he grasps nothing, there is something off-centre (there is always something off-centre about everything) about Sasuke today. And the switch is...not exactly mean, but not exactly neutral either.

To lift him out of his thoughts, the cheerful, shrill voices of happy children sound close by. Not too far off, a bunch of kids are sitting in a curled, crooked semi circle, eating their lunches together.

One kid is a little ways away from the group, sitting by himself on the sandy ground, every now and then throwing glances at the others.

A lone pang strikes him at the sight, has his shoulders fall on the rasp of a breath.

He looks down at his own untouched, packed lunch. Sakura has made a habit out of bringing him meals during their missions. And he has made a habit out of bringing the boxed breakfasts/lunches/dinners with him wherever he goes, if only for the comfort the thoughtfulness of the gesture brings. He has his mind already made up as he makes a detour from his aimless wandering.

"Hey." Naruto calls out when he is a few feet away, so as not to startle him, unboxing the lunch.

The kid turns wide-eyed to him, slightly wary but not frightened.

"Are you hungry?" He simply asks, crouching down to be eye level and offering his bento and the still paper clad chopsticks. "Here."

"...Um." The kid pauses, beaming surprise shining on his face as he takes in the inviting food shown to him (because Sakura actually buys most of these), and still too polite to just snatch the free offer out of his hands. "...Can I?"

"Of course." Naruto pretends to think it over as he looks the other way. "...to be perfectly honest I was just gonna throw it away, so if you don't want it–"

"No!" The little kid exclaims as he finally takes hold of the bento, looking up at him with almost sparkling eyes. "Thanks Onii-chan!"

Naruto gives back a little smile, it doesn't feel forced for once. "Don't mention it."

He gets to his feet again, watching as the kid scurries off to join the others, finally sitting down and eating with them, and he waves back when the little boy waves at him. It was such a small act it can't even be called a sacrifice, and it makes him feel lighter in ways nothing has in days.

He walks away, unconsciously walking towards Sasuke who had stood aside.

"You did something nice."

Naruto blinks, almost stunned, posture tensing in an almost careful manner. "S'not like I was gonna eat it anyway, it would've gone to waste."

"Still, instead of or throwing it away you gave it to a kid who was hungry. That was nice of you." Sasuke reiterates, catching his eye.

More than a few unfortunate occasions had gone by in which his food had gone bad and he had to eventually throw it out, so this is the obvious route to go with, give his food away whenever he can. It's also just more convenient this way since he has never liked waste.

But the instance now reminds him of what Sasuke had said a few days back, more specifically what he had said about him being selfless. It doesn't sit right. "...I'm not as nice as you think I am." He is pushing the words out before he can even think them through.

"Mmh, I'm gonna have to disagree there." Sasuke hums nonchalantly. "Utterly and completely disagree."

Naruto pauses. Then huffs inaudibly, directly look at him. "You're annoying, you know that?"

Sasuke tips his head forward, his slow grin more laid back this time around. "I'm a lot of things."

Well, yes, Naruto can't certainly disagree with that.

Without even realizing, his purposeless trek had accidentally taken him down a familiar corner street, one he didn't particularly feel like crossing today. The Ichiraku ramen's new stand is almost glaring at him from the other side, at least it's what it feels like to him. But before he can even think about turning on his heels, a well known voice is already stopping him in his tracks.

"Ah, Naruto!"

The unexpected encounter should have him frozen, but Naruto is stuck in place, looking at the backlit, approaching figure he's seeing for the first time in a long while.

"Oh...Iruka-sensei."


Of course the first thing Iruka does is offer to buy him lunch, and of course he is not about to accept a no for an answer. Begrudgingly Naruto agrees, but does his best to make the opposite show.

He hasn't taken a step yet and restlessness is already setting in.

Ducking past the now blue cloth at the front of the shop, his sense of smell is instantly hit with the multitude of delicious and different aromas wafting in the air. This is the first time he puts foot inside the new establishment, and although changed, the atmosphere remains the same, still hanging warmly in the air.

Not too many people have stopped by for a meal, but the patrons still leave him feeling somewhat uneasy.

Naruto follows the older man inside, avoiding eye contact and keeping his eyes down until they take a seat on two wine red stools by the middle. Naruto is listening to Iruka talking, when a new voice joins in.

"Naruto-kun, finally!" Ayame greets as soon as she sees him, moving towards them from behind the counter. "And here I was starting to think you found a new favorite ramen shop."

Naruto can't help a bit of a smile at that, still strained however. "Of course not, you know this is the only ramen place for me." And it is the undeniable truth.

The three of them catch up a bit, he finds out the old man Teuchi is not here today, then Ayame tells them how they've hired two new helpers, Iruka brings up the academy, and after that Naruto goes sort of dizzy for a bit there.

"What can I bring you today?"

The abrupt and loud question breaches past the fogginess and has him cracking out of his addled frame of mind, suddenly aware of a few heads turning in their direction. Even if fleeting, the attention is like sharp pins perforating every inch of his body, the weight of it making him want to crawl out of his now punctured skin. But he can't do anything about the unwanted attention, and therefore chooses to focus his own attention elsewhere, looking for a distraction, and so, for once he actually peruses the menu. He doesn't want to take his usual, feeling a somewhat zany sort of attachment to it and, forgoing his regular, he ends up ordering a simple Shoyu Ramen instead.

"Just one bowl is fine." He adds faintly, for whatever reason already feeling his stomach tying itself in knots at the idea of eating anything today.

Beside him Iruka deflates a little at his blatant lack of enthusiasm.

With Ayame tending to their orders, the buzz and chatter surrounding them becomes a little more jarring than white noise.

"I haven't seen you around for quite some time now." Iruka tells him, light-hearted but measuring his words. "I know you've been very busy."

"Yeah." His head drops somewhat sheepishly in acquiescence. "You've been busy too, Iruka-sensei. I've heard how much you're helping around."

"That's true, but I'm just lending a hand while everyone is working hard." Iruka acknowledges with a short and gentle laugh.

He can never just take a pat on the back without putting others first and nulling his own hard efforts, and at times not even without a note of self-deprecation behind. Traits Naruto has, without a doubt, taken after him.

He wants to smile back, but doesn't have the heart to right now.

"On the house." Ayame is politely interrupting briefly after, placing the steaming bowls in front of them with a bright smile. "Enjoy!"

Iruka is already thanking her profusely while Naruto bows his head a little in gratitude with a mumbled "thanks".

Frankly, he doesn't even remember when was the last time he had a nice bowl of ramen. The aroma is as appetizing as ever despite this being a new one he's trying, just the sight of it is comfortingly familiar.

And it's making him sick.

"Oh, what's this, a one-eighty now?" Sasuke, until now sat silently on the empty stool beside his, speaks up sardonic and despondent all at once. "You look a minute away from literally painting the counter with your guts."

His eyes shut tight and he tries to push down on the queasiness building up. When he opens them again he turns his bleary focus to his meal, doesn't even spare a glance his way. He forces himself to eat, just like Iruka is doing.

There is not much to talk about when both parties are busy eating, but when they do talk the dialogue is a cautious dance around the subjects.

Naruto can't help this helplessness. His teacher. The one who had always looked out for him, the one who had protected him when he didn't know how to protect himself yet. The one who was willing to bleed out for a promise made to him just to keep it, his Hitai-ate the unalloyed proof of it. The one who had believed in him when no one else would. The one he had come to consider first as a father, then an older brother.

And even so, Naruto has never felt more disconnected from him than he feels at the moment.

The factuality of it isn't lost on Sasuke either, it seems. "You're going to talk about the weather next? Or is this another round of basking yourselves in even more silence?"

Naruto's fingers twitch on the chopsticks, frustration wiring beneath his skin at the scornful comments, but in the end they're not even worth being mad over. Maybe he's just too numb for this.

He goes through lunch in a pushing through the motions sort of deal. And still, just like yesterday at the library, he feels a sudden wave of exhaustion wash over him, and he can't get rid of the overwrought sensation slowly taking over.

He doesn't want to be here. He just wants to leave, hole himself up in the empty four walls waiting for him.

It takes a second and an hour, it seems, when they're about to part ways again, it feels like it happened in the hazy blink of an eye.

"I'll see you around." Iruka says warmly, if a little solicitous. "Take care of yourself, Naruto."

Naruto nods, his messy fringe covering his eyes. "Yeah, see you around Iruka-sensei. Thanks again for the meal."

His voice doesn't even sound like it belongs to him, so indistinctly subdued and raspy. Splotches of heat have his vision blurring, his fingertips are sizzling.

He shoves his hands down his pockets and quickly starts down the road, as if making a retreat.

"Any particular reason why you couldn't even look him in the eyes?" Sasuke keeps up, undeterred.

Trepidation flares in spikes and thrums muted, drowning underneath the numb, shielding sheen around him. He keeps his head down.

"You once told me he was the one who always–"

"Shut up." Naruto says brusquely, but not as loud as he would have liked. He can't take this now, he doesn't want to hear any more daunting on it, the harrowing detachment is already shocking enough on its own. And he especially doesn't want to hear more on the subject coming from him.

Sasuke gives him the silence he is pressing for, but only for a short time. "Where are you going?"

His steps hasten, as if the inquiry is a reminder. "Back to my apartment." He whispers curtly.

'Home.'

His mind grants for him.

'You're going home. Why can't you say the word out loud?'

For the whole time he keeps his eyes locked on the ground, watching step after step that he takes, and still he doesn't—can't—see anything, anything at all except for his growing disquiet.

Hands stiff and calves aflame in a distant, unreal sort of way, he manages to close the door behind him, and out of their own volition his feet are dragging him to his bathroom.

He just needs a minute.

Just one minute. He'll do everything right after, he'll be so good after, he promises. He just needs a minute to himself.

Holding himself up with one palm, he slowly sinks against the wall. The cold tiles are harsh, but his skin is turning colder, clammy with sweat, with alarm.

A pitter patter of thoughts crowds his mind, like droplets dripping from a broken faucet, and the echo they leave behind is frazzling, it has him wishing he was holding on to something even if he has already fallen to the floor.

He curls up, with elbows digging painfully on his knee tops and fingers gripping at his hair. He swears he can feel his veins pulsing, his blood pumping. He can feel the thumping of his heart as it thunders inside his chest.

"You're shaking." Sasuke remarks patiently, it comes as an observation.

"Shut up." Naruto utters again, so low it's a stifled whisper now.

He only sees glimpses of the boy standing in front of him, he can't feel his presence, can't even feel the incessant pounding between his eyes, behind his eyelids.

"Is something wrong, Naruto?" Sasuke asks, with purpose in his voice, in his words.

Naruto's grip tightens painfully on his scalp. His chest hurts, his throat is closing up around a gasp, his windpipe is getting crushed.

"...no." He breathes the word without air, raw.

The shaking doesn't stop.

His whole world, what's left of it, trembles. He wonders when it really started. He wonders if it will ever stop.