Harry Potter as written by the Weekly World News

By Technomad

Hogsmeade, Scotland, United Kingdom Much to the surprise of those who have followed his career, Bat Boy has confirmed that he has received a Hogwarts letter, and plans to accept the position offered him.

"It's quite an honor," said Bat Boy to a WWN reporter. "Like many others, I had dreamed of attending Hogwarts, but never believed that I was magical enough to make the grade. I look forward to following in Harry Potter's illustrious footsteps. I'm hoping for Gryffindor House, but I'll accept whatever the Sorting chooses for me."

Reactions to this news have been mixed. At the Ministry of Magic, Senior Undersecretary Dolores Umbridge issued the following statement: "Since its inception, Hogwarts has been a school for human---repeat, human---wizards and witches. Under the spineless regimes of Dippet and Dumbledore, the doors were thrown open wide to all sorts of abominations---a half-giant, a werewolf, and Merlin only knows what all else. I wish I were back there; I'd show this 'Bat Boy' a thing or two!'"

Contacted at Hogwarts, Headmistress Minerva McGonagall was dismissive of such concerns. "Madam Umbridge apparently did not profit from her lessons in History of Magic," McGonagall said. "Since its foundation, Hogwarts has taken pride in offering the finest magical education in all Europe to all magically-talented students, certain Founders' asinine prejudices notwithstanding. Madam Umbridge nearly ran the school into the ground during her disastrous tenure as Defence Against the Dark Arts Professor, High Inquisitor and Headmistress, and her opinions on the correct way to educate the magical young are of no interest. We look forward to welcoming Bat Boy, and no effort shall be spared to ensure that he receives the finest training."

Madam Hooch, Flying teacher and Quidditch coach, is also eager to welcome Bat Boy. "I've heard a great deal about him," she said, "and can't wait to see how he does on a broom! Harry Potter may need to look to his laurels!"

Minster of Magic Rufus Scrimgeour was neutral on the whole controversy. "This 'Bat Boy'---is he rich? Do you think he'd be willing to make a contribution?" was all he had to say.

In related news, Weekly World News is sad to report that our own columnist Ed Anger has been offered the position of Muggle Studies Professor at Hogwarts, and has accepted, forcing his resignation from our staff.

"I'm happier than a lamprey with a faceful of trout to be joining the Hogwarts staff," said Mr. Anger. "Those little brats will be learning a thing or two, or I'll have to get rough on them!"

Weekly World News wishes both Bat Boy and Mr. Anger the best of luck at Hogwarts, and will be covering their triumphs there with all the strict fidelity to fact, and only fact, that our readers expect of us.