Harry Potter as written by Anthony Burgess
by Technomad
"What's it going to be then, eh?"
There was me, that is Harry, and my three droogs, Ron, Neville and Hermione, Hermione being a very horrorshow devotchka with a really skorry like wand, and we were all sitting around the old Gryffindor Common-Room trying to decide what to do with the day--a Hogsmeade day, bastard though dry.
Me, I wanted to itty down to the old Three Broomsticks mesto in like Hogsmeade, this malenky village nearby, and peet a lot of the old butterbeer-plus…plus synthemesc or drencrom, veshchs that sharpened one up for a bit of the old dirty twenty-to-one with the Death Eaters, this very very bad banda or gruppa of malchickiwicks who were at like war with me. Ron, being like the malenky brat of Fred and George, wanted to do the old in-out-in-out all over the rules, real savage like. Hermione wanted to go give some like aid and assistance to the malenky domy-elves, or house-elves, to use my gentleman's goloss, to free their poor malenky selves from the oppression of the big bloated capitalists. And Neville wanted us to give him some aid finding his malenky toad, Trevor.
As their droog and leader, I made the decision--being the like Malchick who Lived hath its like advantages, O my brothers and only friends. "Out out out out!" I said, and we ittied out into the dark dark corridors of Hogwarts Skolliwoll, where we learned the babayaga veshchs to make us real horrorshow wizards and witches, from starry vecks like Dumbledore, Snape and malenky Flitwick.
Not far along, O my brothers, we viddied a bit of like fun--it was Draco Malfoy and his banda of droogies, having their bit of sport with a malenky first-year. "Welly-welly-welly-well, if it isn't ferret-faced ferret-boy Draco Malfoy, the yarbleless wonder, and his droogs!" I called out. "Come thou, and get a good one in the yarbles--if you have any yarbles, you soprano-voiced yellow-haired yellow-belly, thou!"
And with those slovos, the dratsing began, O my brothers. Wands were out, and we were casting the old babayaga veshchs--spells, to use my gentleman's goloss--real horrorshow and skorry. Your Humble Narrator cast one that knocked Draco Malfoy right into the wall, and he was out and out and out. Ron got Malfoy's like right-hand man, Crabbe, a good one in the rot, and his teeth began to grow and grow, which made Hermione laugh all hahahaha. Neville, though a right hound-and-horny wizard, managed to catch Goyle with a spell that made him cal in his pants, which took him right out of the fight. The firstie had run off when the dratsing began, going oh oh oh, and we let him go, there being plenty more where he came from, as it were.
