Harry Potter as written by the guys who did "Blackadder"

by Technomad

A flash of green across the pond,

He does his nasty doings for fun,

Beware his yew-and-phoenix wand,

Or else you may well end up undone!

Tom Riddle, Tom Riddle,

He can talk to a snake!

Tom Riddle, Tom Riddle,

With fear he'll make you shake!

Black are sins that he commits

And Black's a family in his service,

He does things that no law permits

The things he does make people nervous.

Tom Riddle, Tom Riddle,

He'll use that name no more!

Tom Riddle, Tom Riddle,

Is now Lord Voldemort!

(Interior of the Dark Lord's evil hideout. Lord Voldemort is sitting there, with Wormtail beside him.)

Voldemort: Well, Wormy, fortune vomits into my codpiece yet again. Another cunning plan to get rid of that pestilential 'Boy-who-Lived,' foiled.

Wormtail: My Lord---I have a cunning plan!

Voldemort: Is this like your 'cunning plan' to make love wearing clothes, so that the baby won't be born naked?

Wormtail: No, My Lord. It's so cunning, you could put white fur all over it and call it a ferret!

Voldemort (impatiently): Well, out with it. Even listening to your maunderings might be amusing.

Wormtail: Well, My Lord, it occurs to me that Harry Potter's a teenage boy. As a teenage boy, he's the slave of his hormones.

Voldemort: And your point is?

Wormtail: I thought that if we sent in a girl, he'd be caught in her sexual web and be her helpless puppet…and then we'd have him?

Voldemort: After she'd had him, I take it? (Sighs) Well, we do have a few teenage girl Death Eaters…I suppose it can't hurt to try.

Wormtail: And we can use that…special…perfume you had Snape make up!

Voldemort (interested, despite himself): You mean, the perfume that makes its wearer all but irresistable? That's a great plan, Wormtail!

Wormtail (gratified): You mean that, My Lord?

Voldemort: Of course! I'm proud of myself for thinking it up!

(Fade to black.)

A few hours later, we are back in the Dark Lord's underground lair. Voldemort is looking distinctly unhappy. Wormtail is looking scared, and Bellatrix Lestrange is massaging Voldemort's shoulders. Other Death Eaters are standing around.

Voldemort: I don't understand it! The girl we sent is a teenager, and she's a loyal Death Eater!

Wormtail: I know what you mean, My Lord! I mean…who could resist Millicent Bulstrode in a lacy negligee?

Voldemort: Apparently, Harry Potter could. Oh, well, yet again a brilliant plan fails due to messy old reality. What did you do with the rest of the perfume?

Wormtail: I ran into Madame Malfoy at the castle, and passed it on to her. She said she wanted to try something…

Voldemort: If she plans to try getting that husband of hers interested, she doesn't need perfume. She needs Polyjuice Potion to make herself look just like him.

Wormtail: You did say that the love affair between Lucius Malfoy and Lucius Malfoy was one of the most passionate you'd ever seen.

(Enter Narcissa Malfoy, looking very disheveled, with her robes all but falling off her. She gives the Dark Lord a silly, sated smile.)

Narcissa: My Lord…I beg to report…complete success!

Voldemort: At what?

Narcissa: Well, I tried out the perfume, and it worked…better than I had anticipated! I have seduced Harry Potter, and enslaved him with my sexual wiles to the point where he's now willing to swear allegiance to Dark Magic for all time!

Voldemort and Wormtail in unison: WHAAAT?

Narcissa (reminiscently): Not only Harry…I managed to ensnare his friends, Ron Weasley and Hermione Granger (Wormtail looks quite shocked), as well as the entire Gryffindor Quidditch team…and this weird little blonde Ravenclaw girl who hangs around with them. I haven't had that much fun since the time I Imperiused the Manchester United forwards into joining me in my hot tub!

Voldemort: So you have them all ready to join us?

Bellatrix: You did WHAT?

Narcissa: The technical term is 'gang-bang,' sister dear. Would you like an explanation?

Bellatrix: But with…girls…as well?

Narcissa: Don't knock it if you haven't tried it, sis! Or…come to it, you were in prison for quite a while, weren't you?

Bellatrix: TOO MUCH INFORMATION!

Narcissa: I wonder…what would have happened if I'd visited the Slytherin dorms…

All the Death Eaters look shocked.

Voldemort (taking control): So you have Harry Potter ready to join us?

Narcissa: Oh, yes. All of them are outside!

Voldemort: Summon them!

Harry Potter, Ron Weasley, Hermione Granger, Luna Lovegood, Ginny Weasley, and the Gryffindor Quidditch team file in, all wearing Death Eater robes. Voldemort looks very pleased.

Voldemort: So, my boy, you and your friends are ready to join us?

Harry: Before I do, I have two words to say to you.

Voldemort: What are they?

Harry (pointing his wand) Transfiguro Dominus!

Voldemort is suddenly turned into a statue. Harry and his friends now have the Death Eaters covered with their wands.

Harry: I may have chosen to follow the path of Dark Magic, but I didn't say a word about kissing the arse of a tosser who was beaten by a baby. I can't kill him, but as a statue, he can't do any harm. I think that the bottom of the Marianas Trench should do as a depository, don't you, my friends?

Hermione: I'm a little insulted that you clowns think that a wanker who was repeatedly beaten by children was a worthy leader.

Ron: Meet the new boss…

Hermione: Worse than the old boss!

All the Death Eaters present, with the exception of Bellatrix, get the picture very quickly, kneeling and bowing their heads to their new master.

Bellatrix: No! I am loyal to my love!

Luna: Too bad for you!

Luna points her wand, and with a flash of magic, Bellatrix is transformed into a mouse. Luna picks it up and holds it aloft by the tail, smiling a very strange smile.

Luna: Hermione---where is Crookshanks? Or do you think Hedwig would like a snack, Harry?

Hedwig swoops in, takes the mouse and swallows it, and perches on Harry's shoulder.

Harry (smiling an evil smile) And now…let's get dangerous!

All dark wizards now feel joy,

Their cause is now a certain winner,

Though their new leader is a boy,

We know now that he's quite a sinner!

Tom Riddle, Tom Riddle,

Is now made out of stone!

Tom Riddle, Tom Riddle,

He really should have known!

We know Potter soon will rule,

With Dumbledore no more encumbered,

And Fudge is like a calendar,

At least, we know his days are numbered!

Lord Potter, Lord Potter,

The one we can't replace,

Lord Potter, Lord Potter,

Is in his rightful place!

THE END