Chapter 36: Even Shadows
Spit landed, thick and warm against my cheek, dribbling down the line of my chin and the column of my throat.
"Here," a smooth voice said above me and I gritted back a curse as someone's heel dug into my spine, forcing my kneeling form lower into the dirt. Did I deserve this? My eyes squeezed shut, flashes of wide, staring eyes, burning across my brain. "We don't use mortal names."
I resisted the urge to ask why I needed to know any of these things. All around me, the sky darkened, casting the forest in charcoal. Where was I? Who was the creature who brought me here? The questions seemed almost trivial in this moment. Someone's foot slammed into my side, forcing the breath from my lunges in a choking heave. The emptiness of my stomach rolled, tightening painfully as my throat tried to work around the burst of pain.
"What should we call you?" a soft voice whispered. My eyes snapped to the side, dirt huffing into my face as I caught sight of the shadows starting to creep from behind the trees. More - more of them were starting to appear.
A flash of silver hair caught the growing moon, reminding me of that night - the night Eric and I had finally made love. Even though it had been filled with such uncertainty, even though it had been tinted with chaos, it was one of the happiest memories I had. I remembered how it felt to have him lying beside me, his hand spanning the naked expanse of my back. I remembered how it felt to have his cool breath along my skin.
"Whore!" Someone screamed to my left followed by the jeer of a dozen voices. The woman holding me down let out an amused chuckle.
"Murderer!" yowled an angrier voice and I flinched, the cord around my raw wrists going taut as someone else sent a kick into my ribs.
"Who even is this bitch?" Someone gave a rather colorful description of who my mother might be. "Burn her at the stake!"
"Burn the traitor!" My blood chilled at the sudden call, a few more voices picking up the chant. The stark drawing of the woman screaming up into the midnight sky in the journal I had found flashed across my mind.
"SILENCE!" The air stilled, all of the voices quieting as I heard the soft shuffle of feet moving through blades of grass. Nails dug into my throat from behind, hauling me into a sitting position.
They had dragged me farther into the forest, the trees here giving way as massive roots rent the ground, tearing into the soft soil and grass. They coiled, crawling over each other like snakes trying to escape from some unseen danger. I followed the harried escape farther back, all of the breath leaving my lunges in a low gasp. My tree. It's branches lay heavy, the twist of it's roots curling around and around until they all converged, creating a mammoth trunk that rose high above any of the surround trees. Branches heavy with leaves shadowed all of the surrounding trees, crouching over us like an umbrella against the rain.
"How?" I breathed, blinking up at the dark expanse of limbs. My mind spun dumbly. This was real? A small part of me had always known this place was real - a tangible place that I would someday be able to find. But in my mind, it had always been something for me alone. When I was finally able to feel the soil beneath my palms, it wouldn't be like this. Not with someone's heel digging into my spine. Not with a dozen of my own kind begging for my blood.
"You left behind the human world right when you accepted Onyx's hand," a voice purred from above and I felt my stomach drop as I remembered that moment. Remembered the look on Eric's face, the panic that had quivered along every syllable as he screamed for my sister.
My throat felt dry as I tried to force my words not to shake. "This isn't… we're not in the human realm?"
"I think you'll find that there are many pockets in between your world and the next. The fae have theirs and we have ours." My mind spun at the information. Hot, damp breath blew into the shell of my ear, the ghost touch of lips skimming my skin. "No one's coming to save you, you pathetic traitor."
Save me? I blinked up at the now-dark sky, stars starting to dot the inky darkness. The moon burst through the splay of tree branches, tearing away at the shade like a mother clawing back the blankets from her child. Grass tickled at my arms and legs, cool against the feverish feel of my own skin. Did I want to be saved? In some ways, yes. In most ways, yes. I could feel the urge to cry out, to beg someone to stop this, starting to tingle along my stomach, shivering up my spine. I could feel the urge to plead my case to the women around me - women that should have been my sisters.
But there was a deeper, rooted part of me that couldn't muster the strength. More spit landed in my hair, trickling through the matted, dirty layers and then curving down my scalp and throat. I wanted to lay down completely, close my eyes, and weep for it to end. In that moment, the weight of all my years pressed into me, softening my bones and thickening my muscles.
My life had been a constant stream of turmoil. My childhood was shadowed with the loss of my parents, the growing urges that came with my powers. Even in adulthood they had been there, heightening my aggression, my body aching for the carnage of human terror. Most days I felt just a hair away from losing control. And now it had finally happened. Maryanne had brought out the worst in me, had fed the most depraved part of me and I had finally killed.
Maybe that was why I couldn't accept the simple excuse of being under Maryanne's influence. Because deep down I had always had these things inside of me - the things that begged for bled, the things that reveled in terror.
Someone's hand curled around my throat, dragging me up and to my feet. After a few days without food and barely any clean water, there was very little else I could do other than hang, hand bound in the taller woman's grip.
Empress moved in front of me, her eyes dancing a series of colors as she circled me. Immediately, the howl of the surrounding mares quieted, their eyes like pinpricks of light in the growing darkness. They looked like demons raised from the roots of this tree, predators born of shadows.
"Runa Nott Elska-" A murmur flitted through the clearing, Empress' eyes darkening slightly as unease rippled through the other women. I blinked, unsure of whether this would change anything and then let out a hack as the mare holding my neck tightened, her nails digging into my windpipe. "You have been found to have killed one of our own, your very own sister."
A million voices shrieked into existence, my ears ringing with them. Someone called for fire to be brought while another howled an uneven scream, her words lost in the emotion. I blinked back tears, the feel of the mares skin beneath mine all-too-real for a moment.
"Do you deny these claims?" There was a calm sort of command that had seeped into Empress' words, her head tipping slightly as her crown gleamed in the moonlight.
How could I deny it? I blinked back a well of tears, swallowing around my own nausea. "No."
Those voices rose once more, slashing through the night with a vengeance that made my blood go cold.
The familiar tang of words burned at the back of my throat, the hand around my throat feeling like the only thing holding me up. A strange stillness crept over me as my eyes drifted over Empress' shoulder, to the gnarled edges of the tree. Control. My whole life had been in search of control - control of the beasts inside of me, control of the beasts outside. I wanted the ache to go away - the tight edge of holding a fraying rope in my teeth to lighten.
But would I willingly give up my powers?
Was that the answer?
"Burn her!" a voice warbled, the sound like the call of a bird in the morning. Things had been going downhill for me for a while.
Since my sister started to spend her nights in the company of monsters.
Since Rene had wiped my gran's life away like the fog on a mirror after a shower.
Since Eric.
Milky white eyes focused on me, Empress's lips curling down in a moment of unhappiness. I stared at her. What did it mean to be a mare? Was this the life we all led? Birthed from mothers who would never truly raise us, human carnage the first needy scream that we gave to the world?
"How many did the maenad kill before we stopped her?" The question slipped from me without a thought. The hand at my throat loosened suddenly before tightening again, a sudden hush falling over the clearing. Those lips slipped down even farther, her shoulders rolling in clear distaste.
"The maenad?" I heard one of the mares murmur, a confused hum starting from their depths.
My eyes track Empress. Had she not told anyone else about the circumstances behind the other mare's death?
"You are here-" I could see the diversion, the desperate tilt of her shoulders as she tried to correct the situation.
My voice was all I had left. I wanted to live. I deserved to pay for my actions but I wanted to live. "You sent me on an assignment to find the maenad that had been hunting our sisters - how many did she kill?"
Sharp teeth flashed and out of the corners of my eyes, I saw the shift of other mares in the shadows, unease starting to creep in. Milky eyes flicked around the clearing before she collected herself, her head inclining slightly. "20 of our sisters were lost to the maenad."
Someone gasped, the murmuring turning into a growing buzz. The hand on my neck dropped completely, air rushing unrestrained to my lunges as my legs saged under the full weight of my body. The mare who had been holding me stared uncertainly down at the twisted knots at my wrist, the other one beside her hissing out a breath in agitated confusion.
She hadn't told them, I realized, staring up into the milky eyes of Empress. My eyes darted through the growing shadows, over the jagged roots that gouged the earth, the dark silhouettes of my sisters. How many of them had known that they were being hunted like animals? How many of their friends had gone missing without an explanation?
The realization sent a crackle of anger through me, the sudden warmth of it heating along my fingertips. Sparks kindled and died along my hands, lighting the darkness dimly. A few closer to me hissed, recoiling. Empress's lips curved down foully, her body tensing at the weak display of my powers.
"She hasn't been fed in days," the mare who had been holding me murmured, edging away from me, her brows furrowed anxiously.
Empress didn't answer, her eyes tracking me with the same kind of anxiety that a hound has before a pack fight. I followed the movement, sinking up onto my haunches warily. No one was holding me any longer but my hands were still tied. And even though a spark of my power still remained, I was beyond weak. I wouldn't be able to fight a bunny much less another mare.
Do you want to lose your powers? A voice whispered, slithering through me like a phantom touch. Do you want to die?
My gut tightened painfully, rolling against my body's emptiness. I wanted to pay for the lives I had taken. But I wouldn't lose my powers for it. Metal filled my mouth, tangy and thick. My powers were a part of my very being. I bared my teeth up at the mare in front of me. I wouldn't let them take them.
"It looks like you've been keeping secrets, Empress," I hissed, her eyes held mine, a tick starting at the base of her jaw. "Should I tell them or should you?"
Her lips tightened, all smugness slipping away as the mare beside her took a step away in confusion. Silence hung thick and damp in the air, heavy like a wet blanket. In the shadows, I saw the other mares begin to shift, murmuring uncertainly to each other. Empress's eyes narrowed on me, disdain etching into the fine lines of her face as she stared down at me. Would she tell them?
"Empress?" the mare beside her murmured uncertainly, searching the other woman's face for some answer.
I opened my mouth, unwilling to let the silence last another moment.
Empress' voice boomed across the clearing, unforgiving and clear. Those eerie eyes stayed on me though, glaring, scorning. "Two years ago a mare named Jester went missing. She was assigned to look after a small commune in Moffit, Colorado. We thought very little of it in the beginning. It's not the first time that a mare has passed on. But then another went missing and another. And another."
Someone deep within the forest drew in a sharp breath, the sound bouncing off the trees like a wayward bullet. The mare who had been holding me looked physically sick. Almost like a pendulum swinging the opposite way, Empress drew back, her shoulders stiffening in a bolstering show of bravado.
"We were being hunted." A low murmur started, filling the space with a foggy sort of panic. I could feel it in my stomach, the cloying tang of fear - old and faint but still there. Those milky eyes narrowed, her sharp teeth flashing as my hands sparked again, glowing a deep purple. "Long ago we had aligned ourselves with maenads, creatures driven by chaos and frenzy. We had thought them dead… but it seems one survived to wreak as much havoc as possible to couple with a puny God. Being near mares increased her power. Maenads always had the ability to control mares even before their fall." Empress drew in a long breath, her eyes finally darting away from mine as she raised her voice over the din a dozen others. "I asked Runa to bring me back the maenad alive in return for a single favor. In the next days, she not only killed the maenad, subsequently ending our deal but murdered another mare in the process." The ivory glow of her eyes was unforgiving in the moonlight. Wind whipped the smell of fresh grass and chilled air into my throat. "She deserves to pay."
"Maenad's are able to creep inside your mind and control you." My voice scratched along my throat, making me swallow in an attempt to get some sort of water in my system. The words that came from me cracked like snapping twigs. "Under this control, I killed another mare."
Voice boomed out, ricocheting off of each other like cue balls being broken for a game of pool. They bounced off of each other, opposing thoughts and feelings.
"Maenad-"
"We've been hunted-"
"She still deserves to burn-"
"What about my sister?! What about her loss-"
"-secrets. How many more-"
My eyes stayed on Empress's her brow furrowing further and further at each volley of words, the muscles in her arms bulging as she remained perfectly still. A hypnotic display of colors burst through the ivory depths of her eyes, the dark skin around her lashes bursting with a haze of colors as they changed. A sharp slap of wind rustled the trees around us leaves fluttering around us in the growing gloom.
"Runa Knott Elska-" Empress's voice boomed across the clearing, silencing all of the mares in a fell swoop. She demanded all attention, the glowing depths of her gaze burning into me as she towered above. "You have killed one of your own - do you deny that your actions need punishment?"
The world darkened. The very air I gulped down felt stale, like bread left out too long. I grasped at the question, trying to feel along its edges for my own answer. I deserved to be punished. My insides turned sourly.
"I-" I caught my breath, the next draw of air feeling like the stab of tiny needles along my tongue. "I deserve to be punished for the death of the mare and the deaths of many more humans."
Someone scoffed.
Empress's faced twisted, her mouth contorting in an odd display of emotions that only confused me. I felt my gut tighten, my eyes drifting to the great tree behind her, the darkness curving along every limb inviting.
"Then-"
I cut her off. "But not by you." My eyes drifted back to her, catching the bewildered tilt of her lips. "I deserve to be punished but not by you."
A low, scornful huff left her lips, her eyes narrowing further. "There's no one else here, little girl."
I wasn't a little girl. My eyes darted to the shadows hugging the curves of the great tree.
"You're wrong," I breathed, staring into them. I tipped my chin in their direction, watching as they roiled together like a pit of hissing vipers. "I'll be punished by them."
