Harry Potter as written by Rudyard Kipling

by Technomad

The Female Found at Hogwarts

There is one thing that you notice when you get to Hogwarts School,

That it has both boys and girls there, and there's just one simple rule

That will keep you sane and breathing as you hit the Hogwarts trail:

That the female found at Hogwarts is more deadly than the male!

You start out with that stately old Assistant Headmistress

Though she may look pretty harmless she can cause you some distress!

She knows Transfiguration and can turn you to a snail

And the female found at Hogwarts is more deadly than the male!

There's that brainy, bushy-haired "Mudblood" they call Hermione

She has learned a lot from reading and can use it instantly

For revenge is just another test at which she'll never fail

And the female found at Hogwarts is more deadly than the male!

And her housemate Ginny Weasley is another potent threat

She's as clever as her brothers and nobody's caught her yet!

With Fred and George as role-models, how can she not prevail?

And the female found at Hogwarts is more deadly than the male!

Or that dreamy-eyed blonde Ravenclaw we call Luna Lovegood,

You may dis her daddy's paper but I don't think that you should,

For she'll feed you to the snorkacks and she'll giggle while you wail

And the female found at Hogwarts is more deadly than the male!

The Death Eaters also have them, as with Bellatrix Lestrange,

She's a sadist who'll zap you if she sees that you're in range

And she killed her cousin Sirius, sent him flying through the Veil,

And the evil Hogwarts Old Girl is more deadly than the male!

You will find no witch is harmless, from their anger you should flee,

Even harmless looking housewives, like a certain M. Weasley,

You'll find if you harm Weasleys that her vengeance never stales,

And the female Hogwarts Old Girls are more deadly than the males!

For the Slytherins are sneaky, and the Gryffindors are fierce,

And the Ravenclaws' raw knowledge gives defense no one can pierce,

And the Hufflepuffs' hard labor is what makes the good prevail

And the female found at Hogwarts is more deadly than the male!