Harry Potter as written by Ray Stevens

ttto "The Shriners' Convention"

Oh, they come to Hogsmeade, masks a-gleaming, people screaming, what a thrill!

Trolls and giant spiders charging in, all of them eager for the kill!

Death Eaters striding through the chaos blasting any Mudblood that dares show his face

It's a glorious raid, Death Eaters on parade, and the Dark Mark high over the place!

It's a typical day for the Death Eaters, and we're gonna have a whole lot more!

Because we all bear the mighty Dark Mark and we all wear robes and skull masks and we follow Voldemort!

Meanwhile, back at the H.Q...

"Hello? Floo, give me Malfoy Manor! Hello, this is the Grand Death Eater...I said, this is the Grand Death Eater...Rabastan, this is Lucius! Rabastan, why weren't you at the Hogsmeade raid? What? What in Hell are you doing with those thestrals in my manor? What? Rabastan, get them out of there...I can't hear a word you're yelling! Rabastan, I just want you to know...you're a disgrace to the Death Eaters! We expect you at the Dark Revel tonight, you hear me? And, Rabastan...next time, don't answer the Floo with 'Lestrange Adult Supplies, No Kink Not Catered To!'"

At the Dark Revel, in the graveyard, as the clocks all strike thirteen,

The Death Eaters all gather 'round, with their appetites for murder keen,

The things they do would boggle me or you and would make Caligula ill

But the Death Eaters think this is ordinary kink and they just do it all for a thrill!

It's a typical D.E. revel, and we're gonna have a whole lot more

'Cause we bear the Dark Mark, we're all purebloods, and we're all sworn to Voldemort!

Meanwhile, back at the H.Q...

"Floo, Malfoy Manor! Rabastan, this is Lucius! Where were you tonight? We expected you at the Dark Revel! What do you mean 'you only joined the Death Eaters to have a shot at your sisters-in-law?' Are you insinuating that you and Bella...WHAT was that about you, Bella, and Narcissa? Narcissa! You get some clothes on, you shameless hussy! You too, Bella! I don't care that he's 'got the wedding-tackle of a stallion' and 'can lick the Coptic Alphabet!' You should be ashamed of yourselves! As for you, Rabastan, when I get back to the Manor, you're going to be seeing green light! That's right, boy...you're gonna be AK'd! What do you mean, 'you'll be gone because you got a better offer from the Shriners?' Don't you dare cut off that Floo, Rabastan! Narcissa! Bella! Rabastan!..."