Harry Potter as written by Stephen Sondheim

by Technomad

A dark stage. Suddenly, a spotlight shines on the middle of the stage, and Draco Malfoy comes out.

Draco:

Attend to Harry Potter's tale

His deeds would make the Ripper pale

He had a feud with Voldemort

Whom you may have noticed is here no more

So sit back and let us regale

You with the tale

Of Harry Potter of Hogwarts!

Hermione Granger comes out, joining Draco.

Hermione:

Our Harry lived with Muggle kin

The way they treated him was a sin

They made him sleep beneath their stairs

His ragged clothes drew many folks' stares

Poor Harry lived like Oliver Twist

But he did not know to resist

Did Harry Potter of Hogwarts!

A Chorus of Hogwarts Students comes out, and the stage is suddenly brightly lit, showing that it is set up to represent an abstract version of Hogwarts.

Chorus:

Wave your wand on high, Harry!

Cast your magic spells!

Cast your curse and send Death Eaters

Straight to hell!

Draco and Hermione:

His wants were simple, his needs were few

His spells did just what they had to do

A wand, robes, food and a Nimbus broom

Upon which in the sky he'd zoom

When playing Quidditch, the Snitch he'd get

So place your bet

On Harry Potter of Hogwarts!

All:

Unassuming, our Harry was

He did not push himself because

He had a scar up on his head

Which meant that he might quite soon be dead

Into Gryffindor he did Sort

Which suited him fine at last report

Harry was brave, and strong and swift

Harry knew magic was a gift

Harry was brave, and strong and swift

Harry knew magic was a gift

Harry!

Harry!

HARRY!

Harry Potter comes to the center of the stage, his wand in his hand.

Harry:

Attend to Harry Potter's tale!

Shall good folk win, or bad prevail?

Draco:

What happens next, we shall not say

So sit back and simply watch the play

Of Potter,

Hermione:

Of Potter,

Harry:

Of Harry Potter of Hogwarts!