SUMMARY - Yoh and Anna continue their discussion and have a heart-to-heart about their feelings and past.

TIMELINE - same as the last chapter.


Hello everyone, thank you to everyone for reading, I greatly appreciate your comments and for giving my fic a chance! 3

WARNING - some mentions of child violence and neglect.


Chapter 8:..the truth that hurts (part 2)

"Why do you hate Manta so much? I mean I know you're generally not very fond of a lot of people or hate them, but you seem to have a special murderous hate towards Manta…Did he do or say something more than the usual?" Yoh asked genuinely curious as soon as Amidamaru left the room. He watched Anna's face expecting her to dodge the question or answer dismissively and at least be able to read her expression. However, she looked him straight in the eyes and answered bluntly.

"I'm jealous."

"Jealous?!" Yoh asked surprised.

"At the beginning I just didn't trust him, especially because he was a human. But then I noticed how much time he spent around you, how you two talk, laugh and just have a good time whenever you are in each other's company. I saw him fight for you and be brave despite being powerless, he stood up for you and he's been a great best friend." Anna paused and broke the eye contact, looking nowhere in particular except at him, feeling embarrassed to admit those feelings both because she felt vulnerable whenever she opened up and because she wasn't sure how Yoh would react.

Sensing her uncertainty, Yoh squeezed her hand aware of her shyness towards speaking her mind. He was still taken aback by her straightforwardness regarding Manta, but yet again, Anna's always been bluntly honest with him.

"…and before Manta, I liked to think I was your only friend, but now you also have him and he understands you too, maybe better than me at times and I know it probably sounds stupid because I know you love me and we spend time together but…" She sighed, frustrated, getting rather annoyed at herself, dropping his hand and fists clenching. "But you are my only friend and I don't want to lose you, especially towards a puny irritating human. I feel jealous, I don't like having competition and I don't want to share you. And before you say it, I know Amidamaru is your friend too, but it's different, he's your guardian ghost. And he seems to hate me less than Manta. I heard them before Yoh, I know what they think and how deep their feelings are rooted regarding myself and…

"You know I'm not going to marry Manta, right, and it's you I'm engaged to?" Yoh asked half amused, half confused. He was having a hard time understand jealousy as a feeling and even a harder time understanding what Anna meant. His relationship with Anna was different than his with Manta and he was happy having them this way. Why would Anna worry over this?

Most of his life Yoh never had friends or people who wanted to spend time with him, at times not even his own family, so he got used to being lonely and isolated. People outside the family circle didn't like him because he was 'odd' and spoke to ghosts or was part of that 'weird family' so he let them be and tried to ignore their mean comments or their presence. Sometimes it was easy because they also pretended he wasn't there even to the point they said it out loud. Other times, though, he could not avoid them because they would just pick on him or bully him probably out of boredom or meanness.

Regarding his family, they just had the 'everyone minds their own' business policy which Yoh read it as them being a very individualistic family or them just having a problem with him. He always chose to believe the former because it also hurt less and helped him move forward, but he knew something was off about his family regarding himself.

During his childhood and even later on, Yoh noticed at times the weird glances towards him, the eyes frowning in fear or worry, the fists clenching, the whispers, the dismissive 'I thought of something else' whenever he had asked about this odd behavior obviously directed at him. His parents had also been distant and let his grandfather raise him instead of them like he saw families usually do.

His father went mountain climbing aka some 'special training' and got a disciple - Tamao. Yoh thought she was nice and would have liked to play or spend time with her, but training and his grandfather kept him away from it. And that used to make him sad because he had always secretly wished for a sibling and Tamao had been the closest he's had.

When he did ask his mother for a brother or sister, he remembered her scared expression full of pain before bursting into tears. His grandfather harshly lectured him for asking such 'inappropriate questions' and forbade him from inquiring about it again as his mother had a problem that didn't allow her to have anymore kids. Yoh felt bad for asking after and even worse for upsetting his mother.

Speaking of, his mother always gave Yoh the vibe she would have wanted to be closer to him, yet she avoided him. She was always around him for short moments and then always quickly retreated away to train. That's all his family always seem to do - train because according to his grandfather that's what shaman families do. At times Yoh wondered if the reason his mother avoided him was also because of that 'looks' his grandfather gave her when they thought he wouldn't see. But he did and he remembered how his mother would suddenly get worried or upset and leave the room without a word.

And his father? Since he wasn't around, Yoh never found why he wouldn't want to be around him, but he didn't press on or investigate. He didn't have the time or energy. So he just let it go and move on as he did with most things related to his family's rather odd behavior towards him.

Yoh would have liked to have friends (or a loving 'less distant absent' family), but unfortunately, the people he had around didn't give him a chance or didn't make time to spend with him. So now, when Anna was spelling out for him the fact that she was jealous on Manta because he was also his friend, he was totally confused and rightfully. Going from people ignoring your existence to people who care so much about your existence they want to spend so much time with you they don't want to share it with others, it was quite the 180-degree change. So Yoh could only assume Anna was maybe afraid about their engagement (maybe?) and laugh it off dismissively because he didn't know how else to react.

"Yoh, are you making fun of me?! I'm serious here, don't be mean!" Anna pouted shouting as she lightly slapped his shoulder, a bit hurt, yet she knew there was more to his reaction.

"Sorry Anna, let me try to explain!" Yoh defended but she had already turned around furious because of his words.

Anna was highly aware that Yoh was never mean, he was the total opposite of it - he was the definition of kindness and good, her guardian angel, her sunshine of hope that brought joy and love in her universe. However, his behavior still bothered her.

Yoh sighed and hugged her gently from her back, wrapping his arms around her tummy, earning a surprised 'yep' from Anna. She blushed and turned to find Yoh's chin resting on her shoulder and face rather serious, obviously thinking how to explain it to her. She could feel his breath on her cheek.

She made an effort not to push him away because of the warm feelings enveloping and rather overwhelming her. She tried to make herself remember it wasn't the first time he came this close to her, yet she was the one who usually initiated the romantic interactions. Seeing him do it and this way, was a different story because she loved him and seeing him so near and openly loving just made her feel A LOT.

Yoh knew hugging Anna like that would throw her off balance enough to forget about her anger for him and have time to explain himself. Or earn him a slap. But he was positive she will choose the former - it was one of the perks he really enjoyed from the deal.

"I wasn't making fun of you, I was trying to understand what you meant. I'm having a hard time understanding your jealousy so that was my brain's attempt to making me comprehend what you meant. Like you, I never had people who liked having me around, so it's rather surprising for me to find out that all of a sudden people care for me this much and want to spend time with me. Maybe that's why I also had a hard time understanding at the very beginning why you were following me through the house... It feels rather nice having someone there and it's even nicer having more people than one because I guess…it just feels nice? I don't know a different way to describe it…I'm still getting used to it, but it's a really enjoyable feeling, Anna."

He made a pause to make eye contact with her and smiled warmly, his cheeks reddening. He liked her eyes, they were like open windows to her soul and helped him read her. And right now she was listening to him intently, worry mixed with hope and understanding crossing her features.

"Manta might be my best friend, but it's you who will be my future wife and you'll always be my first friend. Just because I made a new friend doesn't mean I will forget about you or distance myself from you or you'll ever lose me. You're right - Manta might understand me in ways you don't, but it goes the other way around too - you understand me in ways he doesn't. Every friendship has its own great aspects and I am happy to have them both. No need to hate him, he's actually great for a human once you get to know him. I am aware I just asked you to give Amidamaru a chance, so I can't ask you to do that for Manta too yet. And I'm not speaking about telling him about us. Us and Amidamaru knowing about our relationship is enough for my own comfort for now. I meant as in giving Manta a chance to really get to know him instead of trying to find ways to murder him verbally or physically. You could be friends too and then we could all be friends. All I'm asking for now is to maybe refrain from killing him and I think that's a good step too towards improving your relationship with him." Yoh said hopeful.

"Yoh, you're so naive." Anna sighed avoiding his gaze so he won't be able to see her hidden sadness or pain. "What makes you think I want to be Manta's friend?"

"You don't?" Yoh asked a bit hurt and surprised. He didn't consider that.

"I would do it for you if you want, but you're right, now it's not the time." She said turning around in his embrace to place her hand on his cheek. She didn't want to hurt him, but at times he seemed to live in a beautiful world, while hers was only beautiful because of him. She had a long way ahead before she could feel she wanted to befriend anyone else than him and especially a human. She didn't even know if she'll ever want to make friends with humans, ghosts or even with other shamans.

She let her hand fall on his.

People had hurt her too much in the past and that was part of the reason she had closed her emotions inside of her, the other cause being her powers. She was learning to open up to Yoh and explore new emotions, but not with others. They didn't deserve it, they were the reason she developed her powers, the reason she had been lonely and felt hated.

So by the time she could properly form a conscience, she learnt to only look back at the world around her with the same hatred. That until Yoh, but he was an exception. He was a ray of sunshine that seem to make everything and everyone around him so much better with his big smile and kindness untainted even by the evil people, dead or alive. Even by her... Instead, he saver her and had been saving her multiple times ever since. And she would be eternally grateful for that.

"Don't be his friend for me, just give him a chance for me, but yes, not now."

He saw her nod before he closed his eyes to lean on her touch. He knew she'd been hurt by the people around so he understood why she was reluctant and why at times she hated everyone and everything. He's been there, he'd seen what her hate had done before. He didn't want that to happen again, so that was something he also urgently needed to talk to her.

"OK. I can try not to kill him those days, I guess." Anna added playfully drawing his attention so he opened his eyes. He saw her shrugging in her innocent way.

She tried to lift his mood because it always worried her when he became too serious for long. And right now she could feel something seemed to bother him, yet she knew it wasn't about Manta anymore, it was something else.

"And thank you."

She now knew he cared for Manta and understood better where she stood. She couldn't say she hated Manta less, but she felt she had fewer reason to feel rather murderous about him looking forward.

"Don't worry Anna, I understand." He said giving her a small smile before he added in a sincere voice. "I am sorry about last night, it's not Manta to blame, it's not even you, it's me. I should have talked to you, yet I went straight to bed. I was exhausted, but I should have at least pass by to check on you. I am really sorry about what happened, how are you feeling?"

"I feel OK now, my head is slightly buzzing, but it's bearable." Her fists closed and started to lightly tremble, all distress from the previous night coming back to her at the mention. He put his hands on hers to comfort her, yet he could feel her increasing distress.

"Yes, it is your fault, but it's mine too, don't make excuses for me! I know I didn't handle it quite well last night, but it's my fault as much as it's yours. I shouldn't have let you do that! You're an idiot Yoh and I was stupid to let you do such a dangerous thing!"

"But things worked out…"

"But what if they didn't?" She glared at him teary and very angry now. The previous emotions and flashbacks from last night flooded her, the pain and memories still very raw in her mind. "What if he killed you? What about all your dreams? What about Amidamaru? And Manta, you're so-called best friend? What about your family? And what about us? About me? My dreams? Our dreams and promises?! Did you think I could just go on? I believed in you idiot and I trust you can become Shaman King, but for GOD SAKE YOH, could you be more careful?!"

By the end of her speech, Anna's tears were flooding her cheeks, her voice was getting rather pitchy while her hands had moved to grab on his sleeping yukata and gave him a couple of shakes.

"How dare you almost get killed in front of me, you're an idiot, a big damn idiot, have you forgotten our deal, we're in this together! If you think I'll let something else get to you from now on while I'm also watching, then you don't know me at all. You got one big hell of a training coming that should make you strong enough to win the shaman competition without me there, got it?!" She ordered, but her voice quivered in the end. She then continued in a small voice that he barely recognized as hers. "But all the training in the world and all my lectures and shouts won't be able to save you if you are careless...so please, please, BE DAMN CAREFUL." She accentuated the last words.

"I am really sorry Anna, I promise I will try to be more careful and remember that's not only about me, I am truly sorry I've been so selfish. It's a shaman's duty to also help ghosts…"

"It's a shaman's duty to overpower being possessed, I know very well what you've done there, you're not fooling me! You gambled your life there for the sake of saving a rather dangerous ghost we just met! You risked too much!" She said trying to control the pitch of her voice. Talismans only made ghosts unable to hear them, but not humans.

"I don't know what to say, you're right. I gambled and it was really dangerous what I did. And it wasn't fair towards you and us. I am sorry, Anna." He said with honesty, his eyes looking at her pained form. He moved her trembling body into his lap and hugged her tightly trying to comfort her.

He didn't even realize how much she'd been hurt until he saw her now, so close to him, trembling, crying and lecturing him between suppressed sobs. He didn't know how to make it better other than trying to promise her he'll be more careful and actually trying to do so.

He kept in holding her while she kept on clinging to his sleeping yukata, her head pressed on his shoulder and crying with her body still trembling. Finally her sobs diminished and he lessened her hold on her so he could move one hand up and down her back in an attempt to further comfort her.

"You're an idiot." She mumbled annoyed at him and especially at her outburst.

"I'm an idiot, but I'm your idiot." He said softly caressing her back and hair.

"I love an idiot."

"Your idiot loves you too."

That seemed to completely help her calm down along with her habit of listening to his heartbeat. She laid there on his chest with her hands now around him, returning his embrace.

"Anna?"

"Mhhm?"

"I am truly sorry Anna, I will try to be more careful. I mean it." Yoh apologized once more hoping that now calmed down, she will clearly hear his words and truly reach her. He felt her nod. "And about the night…you were incredible, I didn't know you can do such things!" He added looking at her.

"I didn't know either." She said shily playing with his hair, not meeting his eyes yet. "I remember everything now. My powers just turned on by themselves. It was overwhelming and hard to understand which were my thoughts and which was reality. I…thanks, I am grateful you were there, it really helped."

"I am glad I could help!" Yoh replied smiling while he continued to contently hold her. "It does seem that your powers are really strong, so I think it's fine to ask for help, Anna, that doesn't make you weak or something."

"Of course it doesn't, I know that!" She defended her voice biting.

"Your cheek looks better." Yoh changed the subject remembering her small wound.

"It's a barely visible scratch, I'll just cover it, no one will notice." She brushed it off, but he saw fear in her eyes.

"Anna, did they hurt you before?"

"They?"

"The onis Anna. Did they also hurt you in the past?"

He felt her go stiff in his arms.

"Anna, did they hurt you before?" Yoh pressed on fists closing on her back.

"Drop it Yoh, you won't like the answer." She said closing her eyes and tightening her hold on his neck.

"I might not, but I have to know what we are facing."

"…"

"Anna, please?"

"Yes." He barely heard her small voice.

"Why? They need you right, why hurt you physically?"

She could hear the pain in his voice.

"Because that would keep me in place and won't give me any ideas to confront them. Because it intensified my negative emotions. Because it made me feel only bad things about myself and that helped them last longer. At the beginning, they would only hit me now and then, but after a while, whenever I created an oni accidentally or not, they would just immediately lash at me…Yoh?"

Anna felt his body shake, his hold stronger on her, almost at the same time she felt his tears on her back.

"I told you, you won't like the answer." She sighed.

She tried to move from his hold, but he didn't budge, so she awkwardly moved her hands from his back to his cheeks and tried brushing his tears with her thumb. She waited for his eyes to meet hers and she felt her breath catch in her throat upon seeing how pained and sad looked for her.

"You didn't deserve that…"

"It's OK Yoh, don't worry, I didn't let them mess with me all the time, I learnt to fight back in time." She said trying to sound confident, but he felt the obvious lie behind.

"No, it's not! You were just a kid, a helpless one at that time and they took advantage of you! Didn't grandma help? Did she know?"

"No, she didn't know they were always violent, especially towards me. She just assumed they mindlessly attacked anyone around. And I didn't tell her because it wouldn't have made a difference. Yoh, your grandmother did as much as she could, but she wasn't always there or made it in time. She couldn't be with me 24/7, really, it's OK now, focus on the present. Look, if it makes you feel better, I even signed up for self-defense classes recently. Remember that voucher Manta gave me? I took it back at the spa and exchanged it for money which was actually quite the sum and used it to start those classes, I thought they might be useful. I learnt how to fight in order to defend myself, but I never had a proper training, so I thought I might as well give it a try."

Yoh listened. Her voice and tale calmed him down and helped him get over the sadness and the frustrating feeling of being helpless towards easing her pain once again. He was upset because it wasn't fair Anna had such a rough childhood. At least he had some family around, but she had no one. He thought he had it hard, but her childhood seemed abnormally hard. No wonder she was so violent and always hit everyone whenever someone approached her or invaded her personal space physically or mentally. It was a self-defense mechanism life taught her. Hit first before others will, toughen up before others will use it against you…

He felt her lips on his cheek and looked at her. She smiled - that smile he noticed she only used for him when she seemed truly happy being together.

"I think we've both done enough crying today. Things have worked out, I have you now, so no need to be sad over something that happened long ago. And don't make me repeat the fact that I'm not weak Yoh, don't make me sound like that."

"OK Anna." He smiled back and he dried his tears with his sleeve.

"Good."

"I like hugs." Yoh admitted still holding her.

"Yeah, they're pretty nice." Anna admitted content in his embrace.

"Anna, I've been meaning to also ask. When you first lost you reishi, it was because you started to trust and well love me…" Yoh said shily and Anna rolled her eyes at his embarrassment because minutes ago he said it out loud just fine. "…well, how come it's back since you know, those things haven't changed, but I guess they intensified? I mean I know you also channelled them, but that still doesn't make sense…"

"It actually does Yoh if you think about it." Anna replied making eye contact. "I channelled my powers by using the reverse. So if my negative feelings, mainly hate were my fuel last time, I tried channelling this time through the positive feelings. However, I think I was wrong, it's still the negativity that makes them manifest, but it's the positive ones that help me handle and control them. And since it was you who made them stop, it was still through you that I got them back because you're the one who made me feel anything than negativity. So I came to the conclusion that they didn't actually disappear, they were just dormant and you're somehow the catalyst for them. I mean, I've been angry before and you know that very well, but they didn't come out, yet, ever since we started the deal, I felt my powers awake."

"So you think I am the reason your powers manifest? I thought you are the one who can turn them off and on."

"I am, but I have a feeling that I wouldn't have been able to call them back if it weren't for you."

"Are you sure it's not a coincidence? Because if you are right that means your powers might turn on again and it might be because you feel I am in danger or does it also work the other way around as in when you feel an intense positive feeling?"

"I am not sure about the other way around, but I think you are right about the danger thing."

"So whenever I am in danger your powers will turn on? As I'll not only be in danger, but also you and because of me? That sounds as if I'm controlling you and I don't want to do that to you." Yoh claimed bothered.

"I know you don't want, but I think that's how it works if we were to take a conclusion from past events. I really don't know Yoh, it's just a theory that crossed my mind, but I know one thing for sure. We beat it last time, we can do it again." Anna replied with confidence. "I wouldn't worry if I were you because, following your own advice…."

"Things will work out. Yeah, you're right, let's go with that." Yoh answered smile back on his face. "We'll figure things out as we go on. Together?" He extended his pinky.

"Together." She locked hers to him smirking back to his cheery face.

"Speaking of going forward, I almost forgot."

"What is it Yoh?"

"I think we'll still be able to have kids in the future."