Disclaimer: Don't own FMA. Nor do I own the song "Smile through the pain." My best friend wrote it. It's really pretty. I'll talk to her about putting the lyrics on my LJ.
Advertisements: You know the drill! Bad moi forget them last week, but Shura's stories (she was very busy for a while, but she's back now), Isis's stories (though she hasn't updated for a while), Asha's stories (she's been busy with college, haven't heard from her lately), and Meluivan Indil's stories. :)
Chapter 16: Smile Through the Pain
Edward sighed as he stared down at his foot. His metal foot. He moved his toes individually, listening to the quiet clinking of the metal. Yes, it was horribly quiet in his house again. It wasn't that the quiet was rare, it's just that earlier, he'd been running around the house aimlessly, up and down the stairs to the basement, up and down the hallway, and a few times around the house outside, making almost all manner of noises. Why? Because he'd felt like he had too much energy. And no, it wasn't from the breakfast of fruit he'd had. The fruit had been left by his neighbor probably two days ago, if the note indicated anything, and he figured he should eat it since he didn't know when he would be back again. No, his energy had been from that kiss earlier, that world-disrupting kiss he'd shared with Winry.
He'd been so sure of himself, so positive that he was successfully falling out of love with her. Until that. Why had he kissed her? Not just because she'd asked him. It had been in the moment to, he guessed. Something inside him had said, "It's right," and he'd done it. That was all there had been to it. Until he'd started to lose control of himself.
He'd felt when Winry had been trying to pull away, yet he had been helplessly lost to himself to do anything else but hold her to him. He'd been cursing himself, as well, that he hadn't been in control of his actions, but some other force in his head. It had happened before, but Mustang had always been there to slap him upside the head or something else painful to get his attention. It was usually when they were on a job and Edward had been obsessing over it. He knew it was a bad thing to obsess over something to the point that he would forget his morals once they had the bad guy in their reach. He knew he should have been fired for it, too, but Mustang knew his story and, as much as Edward hated to admit, the man was protecting him. Sure, Mustang was a jerk most of the time, with his snide remarks and sarcastic comments. But he had been there during the accident, the one to keep Edward from doing something even more insanely stupid than he had already. Mustang knew some of Edward's pain after the accident. Another thing Ed hated to admit was that the man did cut him slack. His boss made harsher comments to other men, but that was also because he didn't like them. There were days when Ed wondered if Mustang didn't like him, but there was something he always remembered:
Mustang was a friend, someone who would be there to keep Edward in check. A sort of father figure, even, since Edward's father had left years before, curse the man.
With a sigh, he turned his thoughts away from his past. It was a dark place, not somewhere he wanted to return to any time soon. But he didn't want to think about his future, either, because his future was something of a void, empty of most but pain. Dark and depressing as that thought was, Edward believed it to be true. He knew he couldn't have a life with Winry, even if he wanted one. He was just a ball of angst, and he readily admitted it to himself. There was little that was happy in his life and he accepted that. He knew he frustrated Winry in more ways that one, probably. But she annoyed him, too! It was always like she wanted something from him that he just couldn't give because he didn't know what she wanted! Then, when he finally figured it out, she was past wanting it and was horribly mad at him. It wasn't his fault she only dropped hints!
He grumbled and felt around in his pocket for his watch. Then he remembered he'd left it in the bathroom last night sometime. Sure, he could easily check the clock in the kitchen, but there was something about his watch that he didn't want Winry to see. It would lead to too many questions he didn't want to answer. But she was in the bathroom now, which proved the challenge. Could he make it in and out without her noticing? Or, better yet, in and out before she exited the shower? She'd been in there for about half an hour; he didn't imagine that she would be taking much longer.
Sure, he could just run in there real quick, but there was no guarantee that she had left his watch alone if she'd seen it. Where had he left it? By the sink, right? That was the first room in his two part bathroom. It was set up with a sink and a place for towels in a smaller room, then a door off to the side where the toilet and shower were. If he'd left his pocket watch in the first room, he could just jump in and out really quick without her noticing anything.
Unless his timing was horribly unfortunate and he walked in on her in less than suitable dress. Or, she left the door open between rooms and was getting dressed. Or she forgot a towel altogether and was getting one. Jeez, there were so many possibilities of walking in on Winry in the midst of or after her shower! It was tempting to just call it all off, but Edward didn't trust very many people, and even fewer with his personal items. He trusted Winry, he supposed, but just the idea of her seeing his watch was a little unnerving. The last thing he needed now was for her to have more questions for him about his past. That was on the bottom of the list of things Edward wanted most.
So, with his mind made up, he jumped off the couch and started off down the hallway. By the time he'd reached the door to the bathroom, he had quite convinced himself it would be no problem for him to jump in, grab the watch, and jump out. Easy as pie, right? Then why were Edward's hands sweaty like he was about to do something he seriously regretted?
Ignoring the signs, Edward slowly touched the door handle. Then he opened the door a little and peeked in. The shower was off, but maybe she was getting dressed in the other room? He didn't see her in the first room. So, he opened the door wider. Then he stopped in his tracks for two reasons.
One: Winry was standing in the middle of the room in a towel. Two: she was holding his watch and looking at it intently.
Edward swallowed as he felt a hot blush stain his cheeks. At a loss of what to say, and waiting for Winry to shout at him, he stood there, mouth agape and eyes wide, staring. Not that he hadn't seen a woman in a towel before, but it was just...strange this time. He was seeing Winry, the woman he apparently loved and was trying to convince himself he didn't, standing in the middle of the bathroom with a towel wrapped around her. Yeah, that was great for his mission of convincing himself he wasn't in love! Just wonderful! Just a way to get his mind reeling with possibilities and wandering in places it shouldn't. Inwardly he nodded to himself that it was probably the stupidest thing he'd ever done in the whole of his life.
When Winry looked at him, her expression reassured Edward that he'd done something very ignorant - again.
"What was December 20th?" she asked softly, voice barely audible. There was a blush on her cheeks, too, and it was probably from being in a towel, under his gaze, and for being found peeking in his watch.
Edward sighed and pulled the door shut after finally regaining control over his actions. "Something important," he said before the door clicked shut. After a few seconds, he leaned against the wall beside the door and sighed. "Oops." That didn't even begin to cover it, though.
That had probably been one of the single-most embarrassing moments of his life. It could have been worse, he knew, but still, it was always awkward to walk in on someone in the shower, towel or no towel. And now there would be that uncomfortable silence between them because he'd seen a lot more of her than he probably should have this time of year. Sure, bikinis and bathing suits showed off a lot more than a towel, but this was somehow different. Not in a sick way, but just a strange, he would never forget type of way. Just one of those things that he realized it would be harder than he thought to "fall out of love" than he had anticipated.
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Twenty minutes later, Edward was sitting at a red light in his car, with Winry next to him. Both were silent, and the only phrases they had exchanged were about their departure from the house. Edward was hoping she wasn't going to hate him now for walking in on her like that. It really hadn't been his fault, though. He'd checked to see if she was there, and she had stood in a place it was nearly impossible to see, even checking the mirror. If she hadn't been peeking at his watch and had gotten dressed quicker, then it wouldn't have happened. So, she held some blame, too.
But, he supposed if he looked at it truthfully, it was all equally distributed, the fault. But he wasn't about to tell himself how. He didn't want to have to feel bad about something that was so insignificant. Or so he told himself.
When Winry cleared her throat, he knew she'd had enough of the silence. He didn't know what to say! He didn't know if he should say a quick apology for walking in on her, tell her about Al and what he'd heard on the phone, or just give her a quick phrase on what December 20th had been. He didn't really want to talk about that. He didn't really want to talk about Al, either, until he was talking to Al himself. And then, he really, really didn't want to apologize. It felt weird to apologize seriously. But he knew he had to do something. So, he said the most logical thing.
"I'm sorry." There, quick and painless. Right?
He was waiting for the bite to come.
Winry looked over at him when he started driving. "What?" She sounded confused.
"For walking in on your earlier," he clarified. "Sorry."
Edward pictured her blinking at him absently, not really comprehending him. "Oh. Okay." She sounded dazed, like she was deep in thought. Hopefully, she was thinking about something constructive and would stay out of his business for a little while! Unless she was thinking about his business anyway and trying to answer things for herself.
Something Ed wondered was, why did she always ask him? Why couldn't she ask Al questions about their past? Why did all the answers have to come from Edward? Winry should know that he wasn't going to answer her at all, just maybe give a discrete answer and maybe curse a little. Al was the one to grill for information; he was soft as butter, especially when it came to Winry. Edward was a hard, scaly, temperamental dragon. But even the fiercest dragons had soft underbellies.
He swore lightly under his breath.
"What?" He felt Winry looking at him.
Ed shook his head. "Nothing," he grumbled. He was hooked, wasn't he?
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Another twenty minutes later, Al was opening his eyes to see his brother watching him intently. A small smile came over the older man's features. Al tried a smile, but he had a feeling it was more like a grimace of sorts. He heard Edward's quiet chuckle. It made the world a brighter place. His brother was actually somewhat happy again! Now if only Al could do something about the pain in his shoulder...
"Hey, Al," Edward said softly, leaning closer to his brother.
Al attempted another smile. "Hello, Brother," he mumbled. He was still a little dizzy from the medicine he was on, so it was a little on the challenging side to do much. But he still tried to sit up a little anyway. The slight movements he made caused him to wince when he shifted his shoulder.
"Don't try to kill yourself again," Ed chuckled, taking his brother's hand. "You've already come too close to more near-death experiences I'd like my younger brother to."
With a half laugh of his own, Al nodded. He didn't know all about the accident, but he knew it hadn't been pretty. He'd tried to read about it in the paper, but Edward had just said it was overdone and made up, mostly. But Al hadn't really believed him. He'd just stayed away from the papers so Ed wouldn't get upset. That was never fun. "How are you doing?" Al asked.
Ed smirked. "I should be asking you, but I'm okay. How are they treating you here?" he asked.
With that, the triage nurse from the night before, the one to have offered to lead Ed around walked in. Al watched her a moment before answering. "They've been really great. Nurse Clara has been taking care of me, mostly," he said, inclining his head towards the woman.
"I know who Nurse Clara is," Ed grumbled. "I've been here, too, you know." He let go of Al's hand, his expression darkening.
Al looked at Clara and saw her laughing to herself. She had been one of the women to attend Edward years ago. Why Edward was so disgruntled about it, he didn't know. Even when Al had tried to find things out, all the nurses he recognized somewhat had been closed-mouthed about the accident. All seemed reluctant to talk about it. Al wished he could remember that night better. What he wished even more was for Edward to tell him about it.
"How is Winry?" Al asked when Clara came over with a syringe. Out of the corner of his eye, Al saw his brother freeze.
"What's that?" the golden haired man asked stiffly.
Clara smiled as she injected the liquid into the IV line. "A light sedative to ease the pain. It will make him drowsy, so your visit might be a little short, Edward."
Ed grumbled to himself loudly. Then he looked at Al again. "Winry's fine," he said with a frown.
Al smiled. "That's good. Is she here?"
Before Edward could answer, Winry stepped in from behind the curtain with her jacket folded over her arm and a smile on her face. "How are you feeling, Alphonse?" she asked, standing next to Ed. Al saw his brother visibly tense. Had something happened?
In answer to her question, Al nodded. "I'm doing as well as I can after being shot and drugged up on morphine," he replied jokingly. He saw Edward shift in his chair a little uncomfortably, away from Winry. Something had happened. Oh the joys.
Winry laughed at him, though, apparently oblivious to Ed's discomfort. Or maybe, she was fully aware of it and choosing to ignore him? That would be funny. Then Al's eyes became heavy. He fought to keep them open for a moment or two longer while he looked at his brother. "Well, the medicine is working great," he commented, smiling sleepily with his eyes closed finally.
Ed growled. "Obviously. You have a stupid looking grin," he commented.
"Hmm."
Al heard Winry tap Ed's metal shoulder. "Well, we should probably go then, if you're ready Edward." He imagined her looking at Ed with a questioning look, and Edward with a scowl.
"Yeah." Ed stood up and clapped his hand on Al's shoulder.
Al smiled still and nodded his head. "Goodbye, Brother," he said quietly. "G'bye, Winry." He heard Winry start to walk off after murmuring a soft goodbye, but Edward remained.
"I'll be another moment, Winry," he said. Then Al felt his brother lean forward. "I'm sorry."
Al wanted to ask why Edward was sorry, but the drug was taking full effect now, and it was hard to just process words. So, he made a small noise at his brother before falling asleep again.
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Edward sighed when he turned off the ignition in his car. As he'd been walking out of the hospital, turning his phone back on, he'd gotten a call from Roy Mustang. The word he'd said then had been rather foul, and Winry had yelled at him for saying it with young children near by. He'd ignored her when he answered the phone. It had been a curt greeting, but Ed had received an equally nasty jab in response. Then he'd promptly been told to get down to the station as soon as he could because there was some important news he needed to know.
Not usually one to follow orders delivered like that, Edward had been tempted to hang up the phone. Then he'd looked at a slightly forlorn Winry walking next to him and he'd changed his mind. Ed was willing to ignore a danger threat when it was just him; he could take care of himself. But since he had someone he had to protect, running around without a care was something to be hesitant about. So, he'd reluctantly driven to the station to listen to his oh, so favorite boss.
"Just hang out here for a second, Winry," he told her when they entered the building. He pointed to his desk, indicating for her to go over there. When he was sure she was fine he looked at Havoc. "Keep an eye on her, okay?" The older man nodded, his cigarette bobbing a little bit.
Ed laughed inwardly and waved at Winry before disappearing into his boss' office. Havoc was always smoking in the building, but he never got in trouble for it. If anyone commented, it just went over the man's head. He was a neat individual, Edward would have to admit, because he wasn't bothered by too much. Sometimes, Ed wondered why Mustang never pointed out Havoc's breaking of a rule to him. But when Edward walked into his boss' office, he immediately knew why.
The man had stacks upon stacks of paperwork on his desk and strewn about the room. Folders were piled in a corner, next to the file cabinet. The waste basket was overflowing with papers Edward suspected were mostly doodles or some nonsense like that. And the man who was responsible for the mess was sitting at his desk, staring out of his window blankly. His dark, coal colored eyes were unfocused at some unknown focal point. His hand was fisted beneath his chin, probably supporting his jaw to keep his mouth shut. Overall, he looked rather bored.
The reason Roy Mustang never corrected Havoc was because Mustang didn't do much himself, thus breaking another rule. If the older, dark haired man were to blow a whistle for his subordinate, then he'd be blowing a whistle for himself.
Standing beside Mustang was Riza Hawkeye. Ed referred to her as Ms. Hawkeye, though, when he was addressing her. If he was talking about her to someone, it was Hawkeye. When he looked at the blond woman, she nodded to him.
"Edward," she said softly in greeting.
His very name seemed to pull Roy out of his trance, for the man jumped out of his pose and immediately looked regal. Edward didn't even bother to hide his smirk or quiet his laugh at the man. "Elric," Roy said evenly.
"Mustang," Ed replied, still chuckling a little. "What've you got for me?" He leaned against a chair easily, folding his arms over his chest.
Mustang sighed and shuffled a few papers, like what Edward had asked was some big task that would take up so much of his time. Pfft, right. The most it would take up was some of Edward's sleeping time. The older man stared out of his window the majority of the day, doing nothing. So finding some paper wouldn't throw off his groove too badly.
After a couple minutes of rifling through his desk, Mustang produced a sketch and handed it to Edward. "Does he look familiar?" he asked.
Ed studied the picture. It was a man , probably in his thirties. His hair was a little on the messy side, and cropped at a shorter length, with a little to spare. His eyes were slightly vague because of the sunglasses he wore, but Edward could see there was an unusual shape to them, not something he saw everyday in Central. The man had to be foreign; not only his eyes, but his other facial features as well. His face was angular with high cheekbones and a wide chin. The shading made Edward think of his as well-tanned. But the one thing that stood out was a lighter shading over his forehead and eyes in the shape of a wide X.
"Hey, I saw this guy last night! He was the bouncer at the nightclub," he exclaimed.
Mustang smirked. Ed wanted to smack the look off his superior's face. "Well, he is also a serial killer. He killed two men last night, well after midnight. They were part of the military police."
Edward looked up, a little shocked. That man...if it was true, then he'd put himself in danger by being near to the guy. Ed wasn't military police, but he was still on the police force. He didn't know how picky the guy was when it came to who he killed.
"Their deaths were very gruesome," Mustang commented. "They seemed to have been blown up from the inside, starting at their head. A form of alchemy, the investigators said."
Ed sighed and tossed the paper back on the desk. This was lovely.
"Hughes is on the case right now, but he said that you should keep an eye out. The two men he killed were in your area of the neighborhood." Mustang lifted his head. "And since you have extra baggage to keep an eye on, I myself thought you should know."
He was trying very hard to control himself, but there was something about the man before him that set Edward off the edge. "She's not baggage, sir," he said through gritted teeth. And before he went off on a tangent to ultimately get himself in trouble, he added, "Thanks. I'll let you know if I see anything." Then he nodded to Hawkeye and left the room. When he shut the door and scanned the room, he saw Hughes leaning on his cubicle wall, holding a piece of paper. Ed decided to watch a little longer. He wasn't quite ready to be nice yet.
Hughes nodded a few moments later and handed the paper back to Winry, who was still in the cubicle. Edward took that as his cue to head back over there and reached them just in time to hear Hughes commenting on the paper.
"It sounds very realistic, like you're experiencing those feelings now," the older man was saying in one of his less than usual bouts of seriousness.
"I—"
Ed heard Winry about to respond but stop when she saw him. Then she smiled at him and quickly folded the paper. He gave her a suspicious look, only to receive a challenging one back. That was before a picture of a little girl was shoved under his nose. Ed leaned his head back to focus on the picture of Hughes' daughter. She was standing on a coffee table with a cup held to her mouth like she was singing.
"Isn't Elysia so cute!" Hughes cooed. "That was yesterday morning." Another picture of Elysia sitting at the table with food all over her face replaced the first one. "And this was two weeks ago! Isn't she so adorable?"
Edward nodded and stepped into his cubicle. He took Winry's wrist and pulled her up. "That's great, Hughes. We really need to get going, though. I have some stuff to do at my house." After a quick look around the small area, Edward moved out of it, still holding on to Winry's arm, and headed for the door. He could still hear Hughes going on about the pictures and it made him wonder how the man could be so much of a family man when he was at work almost sixteen hours a day.
When Ed looked at Winry, he knew exactly how. That pang in his chest wasn't heartburn, but heartache. Who was he kidding himself, trying to fall out of love with Winry? She was the best thing that had happened to him in a long time, since before his mother had died. That had been three years ago. Three years was a long time for someone to live in the dark only to have light thrust at them so suddenly. But Edward refused to be blinded.
When he pulled his car door shut after seeing Winry in, his cell phone rang. With a little curse, he pulled the wretched electronic device out of his pocket. "Hang on," he told Winry as he answered it. "Hey."
"Edward, where is your brother?" Izumi said quickly into the phone.
Ed winced and started the car. "He's, ah, in the hospital." There was no successful way to lie to his foster mom. It was always better to tell the truth.
He pulled the phone away from his ear when Izumi spoke next. "And just why is he in the hospital?" she asked very loudly.
Pulling out onto the main road, Ed slumped his shoulders. "He got shot last night. He's doing great, though! They'll probably release him--"
"How did he get shot? What were you boys doing?" No matter how old they were, Edward mused, they would always be boys to Izumi.
"I was working on the case and he ran in the middle of a fight," he explained. There was just something about his foster mom that always made him feel like apologizing.
There was a loud sigh on the other end of the phone. "Well, I can't say much for you guys, but be careful next time! You might not be so lucky!" Then she paused. "Where was he shot?"
"In the shoulder. Listen, can I call you back?" Brake lights because visible through the falling snow. "I'm driving home and there's a lot of traffic."
He pictured Izumi nodding. "Okay. Be careful."
Ed hung up the phone and sighed. "Do you want some music?" he asked Winry, glancing briefly at her. "There are some CDs in the d—" When he looked at her again, he saw her completely ensconced in her piece of paper. She was scribbling frantically, like she couldn't write down her thoughts quickly enough. He wondered what she was writing. With a little smile, Ed continued to sit in the traffic on the way to his house.
He could get used to this, he mused. It was time to be honest with himself again. Otherwise, he wasn't going to get far with anything. He did love Winry, but he wasn't sure how to tell her. Trying to fall out of love with her wasn't working as well as he had planned. He didn't know if he really did want to fall out of love, but he didn't know if he wanted to be in love, either. Either way, it was probably a lose-lose situation. He told Winry he loved her, finished the case, and she'd probably disappear. Or, he neglected to tell her, finished the case, and went on his merry way to market. Either way, he would likely lose her. But he didn't want to take the chance of openly having his heart broken. That had already happened in the past, and it would probably be too much to handle again this time around.
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Fifteen minutes later, Edward was parking his car in front of his house. His mood had become dark, and he was sure Winry wanted to kill him from the bad vibes he was sending. But when he unlocked the door he snuck a glance at her; she looked as morose as he was. So, maybe they would just sit in separate rooms for a while until he was ready to talk to her and she to him. Or, they would just sit in the same room and completely ignore each other. Either way, Edward could handle it. He was a pro at silences. He needed to work on her case anyway. The lack of speech between them would give him the ample opportunity to scribble some things on the new findings.
When he opened the door to his house, he let Winry go in first. She looked at him and smiled brilliantly. Edward felt the sharp pang of wanting something he couldn't have. But he returned her smile, if a little sadly.
Oh, how much he had changed in the past month and a half. Even a month ago, he would have laughed at someone if they'd told him he would be in love with Winry. Two weeks ago, he would have chuckled at the off-handed remark about him being so totally wrapped around her finger without her knowing. Two days ago, he would have smirked at someone commenting on how cute they looked together. But today, he wasn't laughing at anything. Things were too serious for him to even smile at them. He needed to know some things, but more than a few of those things he couldn't bring himself to ask Winry. He couldn't ask her if she'd be true to her word that she'd stand by him, no matter what. He couldn't ask her if she would wait for him to get over his indefinite amount of issues. No, there were just things he couldn't ask.
A couple minutes after they had settled themselves back into Edward's house, the vibes in the air weren't as dark. At least, not as dark from Winry. Edward was sitting at the bar with a glass of clear liquid that smelled suspiciously of alcohol. He'd put the bottle away after pouring three fingers of vodka. That would be enough to settle his nerves. He hoped. But if it didn't, he'd resort to sleep. Or a hot shower. Those never failed him.
"Edward?" He looked over at Winry silently. "Come here, please," she requested softly.
He sighed lightly and slid off his bar stool. She was sitting on the couch with a notebook she'd "borrowed" from him. He doubted he would get it back, but that was fine. He had a zillion others in his study; he wouldn't miss one. When he sat beside her, she looked a little sheepish as she handed him the notebook.
"Will you read it for me?" she asked shyly.
He smiled. "Sure." He skimmed the poem that would probably be lyrics in her next album a few times, trying to get the gist of everything she meant by them. They sounded awfully familiar to him. Not the words themselves, he thought, but the events she was writing about. As he stared at the words, trying to figure out what she was feeling, he realized she was very tense. When Ed looked at her, he could tell she was waiting for his opinion. She looked as if his opinion really counted to her. That had him at a loss for words momentarily. But he handed the notebook back to her and smiled. "I like them," he told her softly.
She looked like he had granted her all the riches in the world. "Thank you." He watched her hesitantly lean forward and brush her lips against his cheek.
Edward couldn't help but be a little startled, but he withheld his shock as he stood up. He stretched out his arms and reached down to touch her head. She smiled up at him genuinely. Still stuck for words, he went back to the bar stool, back to his vodka, and continued to ponder the meaning of her song.
Then it came to him suddenly, when he heard her humming a tune. It was about them. It was about how they had to smile through the pain.
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Ta da! About 5300 words for y'all! Like it? I hope so.I like, finished it today. Oopsie...lol Anyhow...I have been updating my LJ daily with little thoughts for you guys about the chapters! Some of them are funny, some are just like, whatever was going through my head at the moment about it. Anyway, check it out. It won't bite. It might burn your eyes sincethere's so much up there. But anyhow. Hope y'all enjoyed! I'll be going to Tennessee next Sunday, so I will try my hardest to update Saturday, but it probably won't be horribly long. Then the time I spend on the Inet will be small, so don't hold your breath for an update, but cross your fingers. Check my LJ for more details. Okay!
Peace...lurve...reviews?
