Disclaimer: Just a rabid fan and virgin writer, so please be kind. You are invited to the party in my head. Yes, I know its been done but this is my therapy. This story gets more and more graphic as you read so not for the faint of heart. Sexual tension will find no release on tv, so I give them relief here.
Chapter 1: The End of the Beginning
"Jim, listen..." She never got to finish her jumbled thought. Jim's strong hands were on her waist as if to secure in place against his desk and his body. He longed for this moment. He prepared for this very moment for years. A thousand times a day, Jim kissed her in his mind. He played it out in his head until he could almost taste her lips on his. Some place in his mind he was grateful for all the practice because right now he had no idea what he was doing. He just couldn't stop himself. After so long of letting their eyes say everything their eyes were locked into a stare and finally their lips took over the communications. His lips were descending on hers. Time slowed down. Her eyes fluttered shut a moment before she felt his lips. He kept his eyes open for as long as he was able so he could memorize this moment. Too soon the pleasure was too much and his eyes closed to fully enjoy perfection. His lips were as soft as she imagined and she imagined them a lot. With the touch of his beautiful full lips on hers, Pam's world that she was desperately trying to hold together simply shattered. She heard her little moan of surrender. He heard it too because his hands tighten at the sound. Her hands seemed to have a will of their own as they slipped up his shoulders and into his sexy tousled hair. Her lips response and she deepen the kiss. It was pure bliss.
The years of wondering, of wanting, of heartache was worth it all for this one simple kiss. It was better than the best sex Jim ever had. Pam felt like she was on fire from the inside out. She could feel Jim's long lean body pressed against her. Her stomach clenched as she realized how aroused they both were just from this one kiss. She felt the kiss down to her very soul. It was the most perfect moment either of them ever experienced. She wanted it to never end but she had to pull herself back to reality or she would lose herself completely.
She pushed back from his lips. It was one of the hardest things she ever had to do. He came forward a bit wanting the separation. He finally felt whole and he didn't want the incompleteness back not yet. She drew back further and he resigned himself to feeling bereft. He opened his eyes to look at her. Her cheeks were flushed. Pam's eyes were wide with confusion and something else. Jim knew what he wanted to see there but he wouldn't presume to know what he saw. Pam didn't know what to say as she stood pressed way too close to his body to think straight. Her lips moved but nothing came out. Jim was looking down at her with pure love. He swallowed and tried to form words in his very dry mouth to no Advil.
Jim had told her he loved her. His kiss certainly supported his claim. She had never felt so loved. As she looked up at him, she knew her life was a complete disaster but she needed to kiss him one more time. She needed to tasted love, again. Jim remained pressed against her body holding her little waist in his hands not knowing what to do. He watched her eyes spark with something and then she was kissing him again. It happened so quick, he could only response with all the love in his heart. Oh God, this is what he needed so badly for so long. He couldn't stop the groan of pleasure that came out of his mouth. She responded hotly to hearing his need for her and she moved her hips against him. Desire like nothing she had ever felt sparked up through her body. His hands traveled up her back to pull her even closer. Her breasts ached as he crushed her into him. He lost all rational thought. Jim just wanted to have what should be his. Their tongues seemed to be doing what their lower bodies were begging them to do. Hearts were singing with a rapid rhythm and breath was coming in pants but neither of them wanted to break this kiss for a non-necessity like air. She had never felt this turned on in her life. Pam needed him to be closer to her. She needed him inside her as deep as he could go but even that he probably wouldn't be close enough. She wanted to envelop him. Pam was sure she would die if they didn't...
Honk! Honk! Pam and Jim jumped guiltily apart. It took a second but they both realized it was a delivery truck outside that rounded the building to do an evening pickup. They were less than 24 inches apart but an ocean could have been between they and they would have been closer. All their hot passion slipped away from them and they were realized they were standing in the middle of the office. Pam looked mortified and ashamed as she looked at Jim. Jim looked at the woman he loved and realized those kisses might be all he ever had of happiness. Neither knew what to do or say.
She couldn't understand what just happened. She had no framework to place it in. Pam wasn't the type of girl to response in that manner. She was shocked at herself. She was embarrassed and ashamed of how she response to him. Jim, her best friend, a man not her fiancée had kissed her. Jim. A man who showed her in his kiss what love really tasted like. Oh, dear God what did she do? Before she realized it she was running out the door and to the staircase. She couldn't go down the stairs because she might run into people in the parking lot. There were no people. She couldn't face people because surely they would know what she had done. Up. She could go up and out. Yes. Up. Her feet were flying as quickly as her heels would let her go.
Jim stood frozen and watched her flee the scene of their crime. He turned and sat on his desk. He rolled out his chair and his feet found a resting place. Elbows on knees his hands went to his face. He hands covered his face. His eyes closed. Instantly, Pam was in his arms and she was kissing him. That little bit of ecstasy was going to cost and cost him big. He would pay dearly for that piece of heaven by being in hell for the rest of his life. It was painful to wonder about the bliss of Pam's kiss but it was a new level of hell all together to experience her knowing he would probably never do so again. He knew without a doubt Pam was his soul mate. The kiss confirmed that she was meant to be his. Without sounding corny she simply completed him. She was his very reason for breathing. How this happened he didn't quite understand but this was his hellish reality. He tasted ecstasy and now he would know true agony because nothing could compare.
When she got to the roof she took a deep breath. Her lungs hurt. Her head throbbed. Her heart was breaking. He loved her. She realized she wasn't surprised by his love only shocked that he verbalized his feelings. They had lived by unspoken agreement never to speak of their true feelings for one other. She was engaged and these feelings were wrong. He broke their agreement without permission. Why did he have to change things? Why did anything have to change? He made her life tolerable. More than tolerable he was her one pure bit of happiness. She didn't want to lose her best friend and she didn't want to lose the dream of him. But those kisses! How could she survive it?
She had no idea how long she was standing there in her satiny evening gown but she knew he was there without turning around. She knew he was there before she felt his dark sweater wrap around her chilled body. He kept his hands on her shoulders as if to steady them both. She knew he was there before he spoke.
Seeing her standing there with her head down like she just lost her best friend, he felt his heart break yet again. How could he have put his feelings before hers? He felt like such a selfish bastard. He knew he shouldn't have told her how he felt. He was an idiot. It felt good for him to finally say the words though and to have heard what his heart was always screaming but it wasn't fair to her. He felt like he broke her. He was used to this feeling, but he felt like by saying those words to her, he broke them. He cleared his throat and removed his hands from her shoulders. "Are you okay?" He asked in a voice soft and full of love for her.
She couldn't really speak to him so she just nodded.
"You must be exhausted. Let me take you home." He didn't wait for her to nod he just guided her towards the door. Even his gentle touch on her elbow seemed to be too much. She moved away from him. He tried not to feel the sting of rejection but it was what he had coming. They quickly crossed the parking lot to his car. Both breathed a sigh of relief that they didn't bump into anyone. Neither wanted to see anyone because neither had their masks in place. Neither wanted someone to see the true nature of things.
The ride was made in silence. What could be said? Other than everything so nothing could be said. He listened to her uneasy inhales and exhales. He breathed as deeply as he could to take her in. She had a unique smell that always intrigued him. It wasn't perfume or soap. It was her. She was a mix of flowers, fresh air and life. He wished he could bottle that smell so he could pretend never to be without her.
They arrived at her house. The house she shared with Roy. He quickly got out to open, the car door for her. If Pam's world hadn't just imploded she might have smiled at his gentlemanly behavior. He watched as she turned herself carefully due to her dress and stood up next to his car without taking his hand he held out to help her. Her eyes didn't meet his but he knew they were glistening with unshed tears. How he wanted to kiss away those tears and worries but he knew it wasn't his place to do so. He shut the car door and walked with her to the front door. He couldn't help but notice Roy's truck was not there. Roy left casino night because he was so tired. Yeah, too tired to stay with his fiancée but not too tired to go out to the bar. He needed to stop. He couldn't go there.
At the door, she inserted the key in the lock and opened the door. Her eyes raised only up to his lips not his eyes. She couldn't stand to look into his eyes. She knew she would find his love for her and the hurt she caused him tonight. No, it was best for her not to look all the way up. She couldn't even look at him. He couldn't believe one could feel such pain and still be alive. They stood there in a very loud silence for an undetermined amount of time. A minute, an hour, a lifetime neither knew. It didn't matter. They didn't want to be where they were but neither wanted to be anyway else.
She looked so beautiful and so sad. She had his sweater draped around her body like a shield. His sweater was a shield to protect her against the cold, against what he broke and against him. He struggled for words that didn't begin and end with "I love you". He finally settled for concern for her well being and reassurance. "You need to get some sleep. We can talk tomorrow." He wanted to hug her and kiss her but he knew that was impossible. She slowly turned without looking up and went into the darkness of her house and shut the door behind her. He stood there a moment and then with a sigh he took himself home.
