Chapter 2

He was the first one in the office. Jim put his bag down on his desk then put his lunch in the refrigerator. Worship the ritual, today is just a normal day like any other day. Yup. He could go through the motions of living and of everything being normal. He could do this because he was well versed in hiding his true feelings and needs. His mask was firmly in place. He hadn't slept last night. He just stared at the ceiling seeing her heart break over and over again. If he closed his eyes he was instantly reliving the kisses, the completeness, her fire, and his desires so his eyes popped out to prevent that mental movie from playing.

He looked over at the reception desk. It was 8:37 and she wasn't in yet. Jim hoped that may be in light of what happened she would come in early so they could talk. Not that he believed anything would be resolved but at least they could start to unravel this tangle of knots. He did some mindless work things until 9:04. She still wasn't there to answer the phones and now she was late. Michael strolled in with a smile and went into his office.

This was crazy! It is 9:18. Where is she? By 9:45 Ryan was seated behind the Pam's desk. Jim wanted to scream at the realization that she was just not coming in. She was home hiding. They needed to talk and she was hiding. The day slowly ticked by. He was tempted to call her at lunchtime but he knew she wouldn't answer. Jim was so frustrated he actually did work. He sold more paper in that afternoon then he sold in the past 6 weeks. He was looking at a nice commission but he would have instantly traded it with a quick conversation with Pam. He checked his email again. He found nothing in his email from her. Argh! He was facing a whole weekend of torture. Well, he bought it on himself.

At exactly, 4:58 he shut down his computer for the weekend. He gathered his belongings and placed them in his bag at 4:59. At 5:00, he walked out the door and to his car. He should have gone out with his roommate, but he couldn't muster the energy. A night in front of the television sounded like all he could tolerate. He changed out of his work clothes and got into some sweats and a t-shirt. Jim was the king of channel surfing but even that seemed to take too much effort. He put on a movie channel and waited for the next one to start. Sometimes, he really felt like fate was slapping him in the face. Her favorite movie was on. He closed his eyes and shook his head. He started laughing. It was funny really. He couldn't have her so he would watch her favorite movies. He would wrap himself in all things Pam. If he didn't laugh he would most certainly cry. Pam was the only thing that had made him cry since he was four. He had fallen off his bike, skinned his knees raw to the point of needed 5 stitches. That was nothing compared to this pain. He continued laughing until tears rolled down his face. His life sucked big time. All he could do was laugh at the wicked pain.

Jim spent the entire weekend sitting on his sofa just watching TV. His roommate was a bit concerned about him. His roommate could only guess what was wrong but Mark was almost positive a certain girl Jim worked with had to be involved. Mark had tried setting his friend up over and over. Even Mark's girlfriend had tried but it never worked out. He was pretty sure Jim was relieved when they stopped trying to push women on him. Mark watched Jim with this Pam when Jim had the party where he invited the office people over. Jim's eyes followed Pam where ever she went. When she often turned to look for him Jim would look elsewhere. It was like watching junior high schoolers in love.

Mark was planning to spend the weekend at his girlfriend's place but he wanted to check on Jim. Jim hadn't done more than grunted at him and only then when he had to response. Mark sat down next to Jim. His friend didn't even acknowledge him. Jim was looking in the direction of the TV but was definitely some place else. Mark needed to shake him and repeat himself twice. "Dude. Dude! What's the deal?"

Finally Jim looked at his roommate a bit annoyed. "What"

"What the hell are you doing?" Mark asked getting bitchy right back.

"What does it look like, man? I'm just sitting here living the dream. I am watching TV, okay?" Jim was a bit frustrated having his Pam revelry broken.

"You are going out?" Mark dialed it back and let his concern show. When Jim shook his head no, "Dude, you got let this go."

Jim did not like where this was heading. "Let what go?" Playing dumb might help. Sighing. Or it might not. Looking up at Mark he knew he wasn't buying it.

"Look we both know why are you sitting here like a 14yr old girl pining away your weekend. Do you think Pam is pining her weekend away?" Mark asked but also answered with his tone doubting she was.

Jim knew Mark didn't understand. No one would understand. Hell, he didn't even understand. That's why he never shared it with anyone. His self disgust was all his self esteem could handle. He couldn't believe he had let things get this far out of whack. It was twisted and fucked up to love Pam the way he did. He couldn't deny it because it was written all over his face. How he wished he never gave voice to his feelings. At least they seemed more manageable only bubbling up but not out of control.

This wasn't the first time Mark had catch Jim wallowing. There were countless times but usually not to this extent. Most recently the weekend after the booze cruise. Jim tried to convince Mark it was about breaking up with Katy that had got to him but Mark knew Pam's wedding date was the reason. Jim let that slip out when he was relying the ugly breakup details to show why he was miserable. Mark latched onto it and wouldn't let go. He got lectured about letting a great girl like Katy go for someone he could never have. Mark just didn't get it.

Mark knew he wasn't going to make any progress so he was going to drop it with a word of advice. "She's getting married. You have to put it in perspective and move on. I will have my cell on if you need me."

Jim didn't appreciate the advice one little bit but he knew his friend was trying to help. Mark was a good friend, one of his few real friends. "Thanks man. Say hi to your woman for me." Mark nodded and left. His words remained. Pam is getting married. Pam is getting married. There is nothing I can do to prevent that. Nothing. The black cloud over his head just got a bit darker.

Fifty two hours until work on Monday. How was he going to make it? He lay down on the sofa and stared at the movie. At some point, he fell asleep and slept for a good portion of the weekend. He was catch in his dream cycle of Pam but this time instead of ending up in his bed, it now ended with her tears. Monday at 2:30a, he realized there would be no sleep for him this night. He almost survived the weekend. He sincerely hoped Pam would be at the office in six and a half hours. He needed to see her. Again, he reminded himself nothing would be resolved but at least he could be near her. Jesus, this was insane. How did he get so pathetic? Argh!

Jim wondered how Pam's weekend was. He missed her but wanted her to be happy so he hoped it was nice. Did she and Roy make love? Not that happy! Damn, that was a thought he always tried to avoid. Roy thrusting inside of her body to gain the satisfaction he longed for continually. May be after the casino night, when Roy finally came home from the bar, she made love to her fiancée until dawn? Was that why she didn't bother to come in to talk to him? Hurtful paranoid thoughts danced in his head about Pam on a regular basis. She didn't come in because she was just too tired to come to work after all the sex she had with Roy? After Roy came inside her did he make sure she was satisfied? Why should he care? Was she satisfied with Roy? Did he want her to be happy even if it caused his misery?

Jim realized how twisted he was getting but his thoughts were spinning out of control. How could she sleep next to Roy every night when she should be in his bed loving him? How could she open her legs for Roy and allow Roy to have her? Did she ever think about him? Did she ever wonder what it was like to have him make love to her? He would make sure she came over and over because that's what she deserved. But how could she kiss Roy with the same lips she kissed him with? Jim felt truly sick to his stomach.

The calm cool reasoning that never seemed to help came next. Roy was her fiancé. Of course, Pam had sex with Roy. It was foolish that he always tried to keep Pam pure in his thoughts. Of course, there were times when his thoughts of her were not so pure. Usually after Pam made an appearance in his dream, his thoughts were downright dirty and he would play out the dream to its nature climax. It wasn't right but he couldn't seem to help himself. It was all he ever would have of her until that kiss. But he hated the idea of his Pam being sullied by the likes of Roy. These thoughts plagued him. How could she make love to Roy and not him? The answer hurt like hell, because Pam was in love with Roy, not him.

His heart screamed in denial. He couldn't believe what he felt from her when she kissed him wasn't love. It was. She loved him, the way he loved her. A part of his mind knew that his Pam loved him and her kisses confirmed it. But he couldn't even hope that she loved him because there were ramifications she was not ready for that would accompany that hope. Besides, if she loved him how could she possibly remain with Roy? How could she let Roy touch her? And she, of course let Roy touch her and the bitch probably enjoyed it.

Now there's a painful thought. Pam calling out Roy's as she is orgasming. Arghh! It was only barely tolerable when he was also touching someone else. It almost evened the score somehow. As much as he hated to admit it, he couldn't love these other women he dated. He tried to fall in love with them. He did! He had sex with them and even tried to be a considerate lover but he never made love to any one of them. He tried, but they were not Pam. They were nova cane. After he had sex with them, he felt as if he betrayed Pam. Crazy, but he did. They weren't Pam and he couldn't love them but he still had sex with them until he couldn't stand it any longer. It helped numb these types of thoughts... This was so screwed up! He knew it was terrible of him but he was glad that it bothered Pam when he was dating someone.

Looking at the clock, it was still early but at least he could start getting ready for work. Good God, he hoped she was there. He was worried about her. Loving her really sucked most of the times but her smile...