Chapter 4

Another evening of torment was in store for Jim. But really there was no reason for it. For Jim this was life as usual. Nothing changed at work. It was oblivious she was still with Roy when he picked her up at 5:00. Not that Jim expected her to dump Roy but he sure as hell had wanted her too. He did notice she turned her head when Roy tried to kiss her lips. He was probably reading too much into it but it made him a tiny bit happy.

Pam went home and made a quick dinner. She didn't argue when Roy went to the bar as it was a welcomed relief. She slipped Jim's sweater back on and went to bed. She couldn't sleep but at least she didn't have to pretend her life was intact. She hated pretending. She was so tired of it but she was used to it. People expected it of her. She laid there and watched "Only You". It was a sappy love story about fate. She couldn't muster up the energy to change the channel or even to mock it. There were scenes that screamed Jim to her. When Robert Downey, Jr. is helping the woman he loves dress for a date with another man, Pam just sobbed. It was too close to her reality. Jim took care of all of her needs then she went on home to Roy. She took from Jim but never really gave anything back. She was a lousy friend and a terrible person. She continued to cry softly throughout the movie. Pam was trying to control her thoughts and the more she did the less success she had. She was so happy when the actress came to her senses and chased down Robert Downey's plane to profess her love. She lost it again. That could never be her life. She wasn't the type that stopped planes. She was marrying Roy. Damn the movies for setting such unreasonable expectations. Her heart broke all over again.

The morning was gray and cloudy. It was raining. That was just fine with Jim. It matched his mood. He really needed to talk to Pam. The rain began to come down in sheets. He needed to discuss his possible transfer to Stamford. He needed to know, without a doubt where they stood. He parked his car. Jim pulled up his hood and dashed into the building. Roy pulled up with Pam in his overcompensating vehicle. It was still to pouring outside. But instead of pulling up to the door to drop Pam off, Roy parked his monster truck taking up two spots in an opening closest to the warehouse. The spot was a distance from the building. Pam didn't look happy and made a run for it. She had no umbrella. She had no hood. Jim felt real hatred towards Roy. He was such an inconsiderate clout. How could she stay with Roy? Poor Pam was drenched when she reached the front door.

Jim swung open the door for her. Pam flew in out of the rain dripping wet. Jim apologized. "Sorry I didn't have an umbrella with me."

Pam shrugged and tried to shake off some of the wet. "That's okay." She must have looked like a drowned rat. She was soaking wet. She was sure her mascara wasn't water proof. Jim was staring at her. She self consciously tried to right herself. "Geez, I must be a sight."

"You are. You really are." He tried to look away but just couldn't. Her hair was dripping wet as if she had just stepped out of the shower. Her mascara was smudged a little giving her a very sexy look. Her blouse was a bit damp and clung to her breasts. He could see that she was chilled because her nipples were hardened. His breath caught and his heart tighten. In a soft but dry voice, Jim could tell he was making her a bit uncomfortable so he stopped himself. He needed to speak with her. "Lunch?"

She nodded and went off to the bathroom to repair the damage. Pam never felt beautiful growing up. She was comfortable being a bit on the plain side. But looking in the mirror she was horrified. She looked heinous. Between her raccoon eyes and plastered hair, she could haunt houses. Blah! The day was not starting off on a good note. She fixed what she could and gave up on the rest.

When she exited the ladies room, Jim's eyes walked her to her desk and stayed on her much longer than he normally allowed himself. Not many people were in yet, just a few in the back so he drank her in. She was so perfect. He knew their conversation wasn't going to go as he hoped. She would never be his but if she was...It didn't matter she wouldn't, she couldn't, she can't and most of all because she won't. Pam was staring back at him. Her eyes were wide and she looked scared. She has no idea what to say to me. A small sad smile was given to him from across the room. Why am I doing this to her? Why am I doing this to me?

The morning dragged on slowly. At 9:30 he got her to giggle at his latest campaign to irritate Dwight. At 10:00 he catches her staring at him. She quickly looked away and then jumped out of her seat. She went causally to the fax machine but had nothing to fax. Jim smiled as she hurried back to her desk to get the pages she needed to send out. Busted! As if it mattered. Both of them were obliviously antsy. By 10:30 their tensions were so high it seemed like they would explode.

He walked over to her desk. "Hey." His voice was soft and as almost caressed the word before it came out of her mouth. "I am kind of hungry now. Mind if we go to lunch early?"

Relief and terror flooded her in equal measure. She wasn't clear on what she should do. Funny, she needed to talk to her best friend about this because he could always make things right. Jim had the ability to help her put her life in perspective. She had decided she would tell him she loved him but didn't know what to do beyond that. That wasn't enough but it was a lot. It was honest and direct.

"Pam?" She just nodded and her eyes pleaded for him to get her out of here. Jim understood her. He took her coat and held it for her. Swallowing deeply as he stood so close to her. He eyed an umbrella he would borrow so she wouldn't get drenched again. He was grabbed his coat just as Michael came flying out of his office.

Michael did not look happy. "So Jim I just talked to Jan." Oh Shit. It wasn't official yet. He didn't agree. "She told me about your interview." No.

He heard the intake of Pam's breath. "What interview?" She quietly demanded.

Jim looked at Pam apologetically for a moment before turning to Michael. "It isn't official yet Michael. I haven't said yes."

Pam repeated her question. "What interview?"

Michael jumped right in and answered for her. "Stamford. Jim is going to be going to Stamford." Pam gasped as if she were stabbed. Jim just stood there with his coat in hand.

Pam simply said. "I am not hungry." She was so shocked she sat back down with her coat on. People noticed. She just sat there stunned. How could he do this to me? I was going to tell him I love him. He is just going to leave me.

Michael looked at Jim accusingly. Jim was staring helplessly at Pam. Pam's head was down. A light bulb went off over Michael's head. "Oh. You didn't...She didn't know." Michael shook his head sadly. "Not cool, Jumbo not cool at all." And off he went into his office.

Jim's heart was breaking. It was watching his hope in its final death throes. "Pam?" It was a question of her well being. It was an apology. It was a signal of defeat.

She snapped her head up and looked at him with so much pain. Tears glistening in her eyes ready to trail down her face. How could he do this to her? "I hope you enjoy your new position." Her voice sounded uncontrolled and harsh. She was making a spectacle of herself. She realized her coat was still on. She slipped it off and left it on her chair as she sat there trying to melt into the floor.

He hadn't moved. He didn't know what to say or how to start. She began twisting her engagement ring. What could he say she was engaged? This is it. She just ended what never started. It's over. He briefly bites his lip and shut his eyes for a moment. He nodded as if he were pulling himself together and simply said "Thanks, Pam."

The rest of the office felt the cool draft that swept between the two of them. They had enjoyed watching Pam Pong. Most were routing for Jim. A sad quiet fell over the entire place. They tried not to stare but it was like trying to drag there eyes away from a grisly accident. Jim inhaled deeply and turned to the rest of the office. This caused everyone to become busy doing something else other than watching. Jim shook his head and left.