Chapter 9
"Michaela," Sully whispered some time later. "Don't you think we should name the babies? "
"Yes I suppose we should," Michaela answered in her professional tone. "What were you thinking would be appropriate?"
Sully was again hurt by her formal manner. She didn't need to be like that with him. He loved her and these were their children, not things to be dealt with as though they were part of a business transaction, yet he decided not to press her tone, as he hope to show her how much he loved her by treating her respectfully and lovingly and by cherishing her and the children as he always had. "No.", he thought to himself, "I haven't always cherished them, I left them and told Michaela I didn't love her after all the years of courage and conviction with which she has loved me, I was a fool but I will make it up to her", he promised himself optimistically. "Unless, of course, she still didn't believe me when I told her tthat I do love her." That last thought filled Sully with dread because he knew it was the truth, Michaela really didn't believe he loved her anymore and, if that was the case, he wasn't sure how he was going to prove it to her again. Knowing Michaela, she had already begun to close her heart to him, and fear coursed through his soul as he realized that she may never believe or want an 'I love you' from him again.
"Sully?" Michaela questioned, when he had not continued their conversation after a few minutes.
"Michaela," he said, his eyes cold and his tone as flat as hers had been moments ago.
"I was thinking that perhaps we could name our daughter after women who have inspired us, much as we did for Katie. That way she would know that we will support her in becoming a good person, who, like her namesakes, will do something of value for the world."
"So, who do you want to name her after?" Sully asked. He agreed with Michaela's reasoning, but didn't know if he could stand having an emotional conversation about the naming of these children. He and Michaela weren't connected right now and he knew that the naming of his children was going to be affected by that lack of connection. If they tried to make this an emotional moment, he feared that all the anger and hurt between them would spill over, causing their children's names not to reflect careful thought, but rather, spite and vengeance. He couldn't bear for that memory to follow his children's names for the rest of their lives. He didn't know what that would do to his wife, or to him, for that matter, and he didn't want to find out.
"I don't know…I wanted to know what you were thinking," Michaela said, realizing that this moment in their children's lives would not be the sweet, special moment it had been in Katie's.
"Whatever you want is fine with me. I'll love her no matter what we name her."
Michaela cringed at the word 'love' and tensed, an uncomfortable hurt coursing through her as she realized that she was jealous of Sully's love for their daughter. She wanted to tell him how much she wished he would love her in spite of everything too, but she was afraid of his rejection and tried to keep her mind focused on the little girl lying beside her. She laid her sleeping son down on the other side of her, buttoned her blouse and lifted the little girl into her arms. She laid her against her chest, kissing the baby softly on the cheek and top of the head. "I was thinking we could name her Charlotte. After all, Charlotte is the reason I survived out here in the first place and she did give us our first three beautiful children. I think it's only fitting that we name our daughter in honor of the woman who…" She stopped, realizing that, had she continued, she would have said, 'the woman who ultimately put us on the road to being together by showing me that you weren't really all that scary.' Had things been different between them, she would have said it with a smug smile and he would've laughed and probably kissed her. She missed his kisses and wished she hadn't shrugged them off that morning when he'd offered them, even if they were hollow promises, she could've pretended they weren't for at least a little while just to ease the pain in her heart.
"Charlotte sounds like a good name," Sully said, smiling a little for the first time in a long time. "She was a good woman. She cared for me when no one else would and our daughter would be lucky to have her name. Charlotte would be her guardian and could help keep her safe from all pain and hurt."
"No one can be kept safe from all pain and hurt, not even by the ones who profess to love them," Michaela said sharply before realizing what she had done. "Still," she went on quickly, "I think Charlotte would be pleased." As she looked down at the baby in her arms, she whispered, "Hello Charlotte." The baby let out a soft yawn in response and curled tighter against her mother for warmth.
"We need a middle name for Charlotte," Sully said interrupting the moment. He had wanted to continue to watch his wife and daughter bond, but the sight of them together made him want to take them both in his arms and he knew that Michaela would not allow him to do such a thing. He felt he had to keep the conversation moving in order to avoid sinking into despair and running away from them again.
"Yes, she does need a middle name, I suppose" Michaela replied, her voice shy and unsteady. "I was thinking about how love sometimes can be so fragile, and yet so pure, much like a child is, and the thought reminded of Ingrid. She was so sweet, Sully, and brought Matthew so much happiness. Giving Charlotte her name would allow us to teach her to be the kind of person who loves freely and truly and with one's whole heart."
"Ingrid's perfect," Sully said quietly, realizing that Michaela's description of Ingrid was exactly how he felt about his wife and how she used to feel about him. "I think Matthew would like it. Ingrid, too."
"Charlotte Ingrid Sully it is then", Michaela stated, kissing the baby's head once more. Welcome to the world, darling." She waited for Sully to reach out to the baby as well, and when he didn't, she lowered her eyes as tears threatened to fall from them. Was their separation going to affect Sully's love for his children? She thought not, but fear still hampered her joy as she lay her daughter down in her previous position beside her and went to lift her son, who was now as awake as his sister and just as curious about the world around him. "Sully, I'd like you to name our little boy," she said tentatively, hoping that in the name her husband chose for their son, she could retain some of the love that Sully once had for their family.
"Alright," Sully said nervously. "I could do that."
Michaela nodded gratefully, but didn't trust herself to speak.
"I'd like our son to be named Josef," he whispered, almost too low for Michaela to hear.
At his utterance, tears sprung to her eyes, but she managed to choke out, "That would be lovely, thank you." Gazing down at the baby, she stroked his head as she murmured the child's name to him as though teaching the baby all that his name carried with it and preparing him for the legacy that would be his because of his namesake. "And for a middle name?" she asked timidly.
"I don't know, can't think of one," he said suddenly, turning his voice cold again.
"Sully, please," she begged in a moment of desperation.
"Please, what? I'm here, ain't I Michaela? I helped you. I was there and now I'm still here, helping you name our children, if they are mine that is."
"How dare you!" she screamed, tears running down her face. "I told you they were our children, Sully, yours and mine. There is no one else. And yet, you still persist in thinking I am no better than one of Hank's girls. That I'm a whore!. I thought you knew me better than that. I never dreamed you would ever accuse me of having children with another man, but now I know the truth. You think little more of me than do most men." She knew her last utterance was a lie and that it had wounded Sully deeply, but she couldn't believe that he didn't know with his entire soul how much she loved him and how much she only wanted to have his children.
Shocked at her statement, he said quietly," If they're mine, how come you don't believe me when I tell ya I love ya?" He couldn't believe she had thought he saw her as a whore, he couldn't believe she had used the word to describe how anyone saw her. Her outburst had frightened him and her next words broke his cracked his heart "Like an iceberg." he thought. "Or the mirror in their bedroom."
"Because you don't love me. You said it yourself before you left for six months and you meant it, Sully, I know you did and you still do. You will never convince me otherwise. You just told me you loved me yesterday because I was in an awkward situation and that says a lot about you as a gentleman, but the Sully I knew would never lie to me about loving me. And so I have to take you at your word and dare not trust proclamations made under emotional circumstances. I have to be logical and trust that what you told me at the homestead of your own free will is the truth."
"Always the logical doctor, huh Michaela? Why can't you just ignore your brain for once and listen to your heart? Never mind, they're both just as stubborn and closed as the other. Forget it. If you think I meant it, then maybe I should have."
Changing the subject as he saw Micheala's body crumble and the twins begin to cry at the sound of their parents' shouts. "C'mon Michaela, are you ready to go? Have you rested long enough? I'd like to get back to town and figure out what we're gonna do about the rest of our lives, the kids, the house, the life I was planning to spend with you, until that is, I…"Sully went from screaming to utterly silent by the end of his sentence.
"YES, SULLY!" Michaela screamed! "What other insults do you care to pelt me with?"
"Nothin'," he said quietly, realizing that all he wanted to do now was to tell his wife that everything had been fine until he had said the most reckless and untrue thing he could ever have thought six months ago. But he said nothing.
"Well in that case, the answer to your earlier question is that I think I can travel. The sooner I get the babies home, the sooner you can figure out how you want to handle the rest of your life." Micheala set her son down and struggled to stand.
"Sully, would you please bring the babies over to the wagon? I don't think I can carry them," she whispered painfully.
Regretting his question a moment earlier, Sully said, "It's alright if you want to rest a little longer, Michaela. We can stay another night here. I'm sorry I snapped earlier. I don't wanna hurt ya."
"It's too late for that, Sully," she said meaningfully as she climbed up slowly into the wagon and scooted to the right side so that Sully could drive while she rested and held the babies. "The babies need to get home, and so do I, the other children will be worried about me. They may have even sent out a search party to look for us and I don't want everybody to be caught out here in the cold just for my foolish mistakes. If you'd be kind enough to drive us, we can be on our way."
As he got into the driver's position, Sully wondered whether the mistake Michaela was referring to was going off alone into the woods in search of him or wanting to find him in the first place. He supposed he didn't want to know.
Please review and let me know if the storyline and characters are behaving in interesting and yet valid ways consistant with the character and development of the story and show.
Thanks, Corinna
