Chapter 13

Sully sat by the front room fire, moments after coming down from his and Michaela's bedroom. He had tried to make her comfortable, but even after an hour of stroking her hair, her tears had not ceased, in fact, they had grown progressively heavier until he was surprised she could remain asleep amid the intensity of them. He didn't know what to do. He was hurting her and he knew everyone blamed him for it. He didn't know how he could make up for all he'd done. He wasn't sure he should try, either. Trying seemed to make his children more upset and his wife cry harder, and each tear was like that line from Romeo and Juliet that he could never get out of his mind after seeing the play Miss Dorothy had put on years ago. It was something about Juliet and a happy dagger, and how she was grateful for death after Romeo had injured her so horribly by dying because he though Juliet was dead. Sully now pondered the reality of how similar Romeo and Juliet's situation sounded in comparison to his own, and he couldn't help but chuckle to himself at how ironic it had been that he had given Michaela her engagement ring during that performance. Was it an omen? He knew Shakespeare would say so, but at the time he'd just been so happy to give her what she wanted, a physical symbol of his love, and he guessed, a physical symbol of her love as well.

At the time, he hadn't needed such a symbol, but now that he and Michaela had each, in their own way, brought to the other's attention that they didn't love one another, he wondered how important that symbol really was and whether he should've accepted the wedding band Michaela had wanted him to wear. Perhaps such a thing would've bound them together and kept this horrible situation from occurring, but now Sully thought to himself, 'Now I'm being superstitious, and that ain't gonna help nobody. Rewritin' the past ain't possible. All I got now is the future, and the only way I'm gonna find out what that's gonna be, is by waitin' to see what Michaela has to say when she wakes up…That is if she's ever gone to sleep.'

As if on cue, one of the babies awoke upstairs and Sully took the stairs two at a time, hoping to quell the crying before its wails woke his wife. By the time he had reached the landing though, he could hear his wife groaning as she struggled to sit up in bed and he noticed the wails intensifying as the baby heard its mother responding to its pleas. Sully waited a moment before entering the bedroom, hoping that Michaela would call for him and ask for his help. For he knew that she was in no condition to stand and certainly was not capable of fetching the baby from the bassinet herself. When he heard no call in the next few minutes, he realized that in order for Michaela to complete the task, he would have to offer assistance, assistance which he didn't know if she would take.

When he entered the bedroom, Michaela gazed up at him quickly, then averted her eyes as she asked, "Would you bring the baby to me, please? I can't do it myself," she added as though Sully was a stranger who knew nothing of her body's recent ordeals and normal level of strength.

"Sure, I'll bring him. Josef's the one cryin'. I guess he's hungry because my arms aren't doin' the trick," he said while trying to lighten the mood. He had been rocking Josef for the past few moments, but the baby's wails had not decreased in intensity and Sully knew that Josef wanted something he couldn't provide. Sully walked slowly to Michaela, being careful not to jostle his infant son, lest he make the wails ones of pain as well as hunger. He knew that all infants were small, but Josef seemed exceptionally so. He guessed that that was because he was a twin, and possibly because Michaela may have had them a little early, as she did with Katie. Sully suddenly realized he had no idea when the twins were expected and the reality of his lack of knowledge hit him like the weight of a freight train. He hadn't been here to know those things and he might never know them. 'What kind of a father am I?' he wondered to himself. As this thought reverberated in his mind, he slowly handed the baby to Michaela, then stood straight and turned his back so that his estranged wife would not have to nurse under his eye, eyes which she probably though were intrusive ones rather than the caring, watchful, and guarding ones she had thought they were when she nursed Katie.

Noting his back to her and the respectful posture with which he stood while she nursed, Michaela was almost sorry to have to bring up the topic that had been at the forefront of her mind since she had woken not long ago. "Sully…now that we're home…where will you stay? You can't stay here. You know that," she said quickly, as though she was hoping she wouldn't lose her nerve mid-sentence.

"I was thinkin' that I would stay down by the living room fire. That way you can have your own space, but I can still be here, for the kids…and for you," he muttered under his breath.

"But Sully…it's not proper, now that you're no longer in love with me. When I said you couldn't stay here, I meant at the homestead. Where will you stay?"

"WHAT?" Sully exclaimed in shock. He had expected Michaela to refuse him admittance into the bedroom, but to refuse him admittance into their home caused a new level of hurt to brew within him and he wished, again, that he had had Juliet's happy dagger, or rather, Romeo's poison to drink at that moment.

"I'm sorry, Sully, but…" Michaela grew silent, not sure what else to say in the pain-filled moment. She didn't really want him to go, but it was the right thing to do. She needed him, but couldn't make him stay here if he didn't love her, even if he professed he did.

"You ain't sorry," he said, his words coming out more hurt than angry. "You're just doin' what ya think is right, and even though I told ya I love ya, I guess that's not enough right now. though I wish with all my heart it was."

Michaela felt a lump forming in her throat so big that she dared not speak more than a simple sentence she had uttered several times before in this conversation. "Where will you stay?"

Sully was hurt that she refused to engage him, but he decided not to press her any further, seeing as he knew he would not make any headway that day or maybe for many days to come. "I'll stay out at the lean-to where I proposed to ya and where we had the twins. That way I'll always feel near ya and sense when you need me. I can sense ya need me now, but I ain't gonna push ya Michaela, and so I'll out like ya want me to, but I'll be here every day before the kids get up so they don't notice I'm gone and I'll be stayin' every night until they go to sleep so that they don't notice me not sleepin here'. And if you need help with the babies at night, just let me know, and I'll stay closer by. It's up to you, Michaela. I'll always stand by ya."

Michaela felt her heart break into a million pieces and as she nodded her acceptance of his terms, she caught herself involuntarily reaching for him and she did not protest when he drew her into his arms and let her cry. She even thought he was shedding some tears of his own, but she couldn't be sure. Neither one of them was sure of anything at the moment, especially not whether the embrace was a 'hello' or a 'goodbye.


This is my first fan fiction and I would appreciate any and all feedback, so please feel free to review the chapter and any subsequent chapters if you think they are of interest either here or be orginal and comment on the "Stand By Me" thread of the fanfiction section of the Dr. Quinn, Medicine Woman forum The link to the thread is: http/forum.drquinn.us/viewtopic.php?t3949

Thanks, Corinna

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