Chapter 18
Sully wasn't sure if he had heard Michaela correctly. She had just repeatedly called herself a whore. She had insisted he felt the opposite of everything he'd ever told her about the way he felt about her character, the kind of person she was, the kind of mother she was, and the kind of lover she was. He couldn't believe how much pain his actions had caused, and he still wondered who "he" was, even hours later. When Michaela had ordered him to get out, he knew by the irrational look in her eyes, that she wouldn't stop screaming until he'd left the bedroom. He had wondered whether she'd even stop screaming then. Perhaps she would continue her haunting accusations and pleas until he left the house, or even her life. He didn't know.
As soon as he left the room he could hear Katie sobbing and he hurried to his daughter's room. The little girl was inconsolable. She hadn't spoken to him for the entire hour after that, but she had clung to him as though she were afraid that he would take leave of his senses, like the little girl knew that her mother had. Once and a while he had thought that he could make out the word 'Mama' in between Katie's sobs, but he wasn't sure. And so he decided not to upset the little girl anymore by pressing the subject. Perhaps he was hearing things, hearing his own heart crying for his wife, a wife he feared he might never see again. After Katie had fallen into a fitful sleep, Sully had pried her small hands from around his chest and lay her down in her bed, covering her with a thick blanket so the cold would not add to her miseries.
As he left his daughter's bedroom, he suddenly remembered Brian and the emotional toll that this had been taking on his son. The boy had reacted strangely when he had come home. He was not distant like his older sister and brother, and yet he was not as comfortable as Katie. Sully attributed this aloofness to his son's age and sense of manhood, but he sensed that there was something Brian was holding back, and Sully worried that like his mother, the pain of whatever it was might eat away at his son until he had no confidence left. Sully would have to think about what to do for Michaela because the damage to her had been done to perhaps an irreparable degree, but he had hoped that with his son he could stop of the grasp of the melancholia that had threatened to choke the life out of his entire family before it killed Brian's sense of self.
Sully's guilt over the entire situation almost made it impossible for him to go to his son though. Michaela was destroyed. His strong, self-confident wife had no self-esteem, and whatever had happened to her during Sully's absence had become so powerful that it had erased everything Sully had tried to give Michaela with his love. Would it have been better for him to stay with her, even if she didn't love him, just to save her from the pain she was going through now? His heart told him yes, and therefore he himself almost felt like he didn't deserve to live. He also knew that self-pity would do no good to his family and that it was a luxury he also didn't deserve. He had created this situation and now he had to stand by the family and the ruined relationship with his wife in hopes that there would be an opening to possibly fix the problem before he and the world lost his wife and possibly his children forever.
Sully had never wished so hard for more education than he did at this moment. He had always thought that learning from life was as good as learning from books, but now he wished with all his heart that had a medical degree, that he could understand what was going on in his family's heads and fix it. He had assured himself when he came back and saw Michaela in the woods that because he could sense she might still love him, love would be enough. Now he realized she couldn't even feel love without feeling sordid and therefore, love would now be his enemy, the force that would drive Michaela away when it had before always pulled her near. As he walked to his son's room, Sully could feel tears pouring down his face. He wanted to hide, to stop crying before his reached his son, but then he thought better of it. His son needed to see what mistakes did to a person and that even heroes could crumble.
As tears continued to mar his vision, he reached Brian's doorframe and knocked softly, hoping not to disturb the boy. No, he corrected himself, man, if he had slept through his mother's tirade, but vowing to be there if the little boy inside him had heard his mother's cries of anguish and needed his father to make them go away, both from his mother's mind and from the little boy's heart the man still carried inside. "Brian," he called softly, gently coaxing his son to answer with the tone of his voice.
"Go away," came the indignant response, sounding much more like the protest of an angry boy than the demand of a man.
"I ain't gonna do that son. I done too much of that already. I'm gonna be here for ya, just like I promised. I broke that promise by goin' away and I know that was wrong, but I never stopped lovin' ya and I wrote ya telegrams. I know ya got some of 'em."
Brian slowly opened the door and Sully could see that his son had been crying. "You sound just like Ethan," Brian stated, not as an accusation, but as a plea for Sully to prove him wrong and, unlike Ethan, to make good on his promises to stay,.
"I guess I do," Sully admitted. 'I never wanted to be like him. I wanted to be a good pa and I never wanted you to have cause to doubt me for anything. Now I've give you cause to doubt me twice, just like he did."
"The first time wasn't your fault, Pa," Brian said, tears starting to fall more heavily down his cheeks, "But this time was. You weren't doin' what you believed was right this time. You just did what was best for you, and it ain't the same." Brian's words came out as a mixture of wise adult admonishment and childlike disappointment in a parent.
Sully wasn't sure how to approach his son at the moment. He thought that Brian needed to be held, but he didn't know if the young man would allow it. He feared that if he advanced on his son, Brian might take it as if he were treating him like a child and not respecting his status as a man, something that could push Brian over the edge and further away from his father than he was now. Sully was treading on thin ice and he knew it.
Brian on the other hand, was desperately wishing that his father would hold him like he did when he was little and at the same time he was ashamed at being so weak. Anthony has once said that Brian looked like Sully and acted like him too, even though they didn't share blood, and because of that, it embarrassed Brian that he wasn't as strong as Sully was, even in the worst circumstances. And yet Brian thought his father hadn't been strong this time. He'd run away from them for reasons he suspected his mother didn't even know. Brian also knew something his father had said had devastated his mother and because of that, Brian also knew that there was a time his father had let his emotions get the best of them, except that that time he had ruined their family and Brian was determined not to be anything like Sully in that regard.
A second later though, his resolve broke. "Pa," he sobbed. "Don't leave us. Don't stop loving Matthew, Colleen, Katie and me and you're ma's true love, just like Sarah was mine. I'll never find another one like her, Pa, and I let her go. Please, please stay with me and Ma. I need you around." Brian threw himself into his father's arms and Sully wrapped his son in his embrace while moving to sit on the bed. Brian sat next to him and put his head against his father's chest, much as his little sister had done. The 18 year-old had become eight again, a little boy in search of a father, only this time the little boy had found one and was afraid of losing him again. As Sully held his son tighter, Brian's sobs only intensified and Sully thought he heard the young man say, 'Don't go, Papa.' Brian had never called him 'Papa' and Sully knew the young man was replaying in his mind the first time Ethan had left him and fearing that Sully would abandon that little boy inside of him once again.
With as much of a voice as he could muster through his own sobs, Sully whispered, "Papa's here, Brian and I promise you I'm never leavin' again." For a long time Sully cradled his son against him, hoping that through his father's hold, the young man would understand the truth of his promise. Finally Brian succumbed to sleep and as his body grew heavy against his father's chest, Sully carefully laid him in his bed as well and kissed the top of his head before exiting the room.
Sully was unsure of what to do now. His middle son and daughter were in turmoil. His oldest children were bitterly angry, although he knew instinctively that underneath their anger was even more hurt than the children he had comforted tonight displayed. And then there was Michaela.
Sully didn't know what to do for her. He could try and go talk to her, but he had the distinct impression that doing so now would only shame her confused, irrational mind further. He didn't want to leave the house, but he feared what Michaela would think of herself and of what he though of her if he stayed in the house against her wishes. He guessed that she might think that she was so forward that he felt he could use her whenever he wished, even against her will. Such irrational thinking frightened Sully to the point that he knew that he should see Andrew in the morning, and yet he knew that such an action might further harm his chances with Michaela. The choice to see Andrew was one on which he would have to ask the spirits for guidance. Either choice could bring about disaster. For now though, he knew what he had to do. He walked down the hall from Brian's room and to the closed door of his and Michaela's bedroom. He knocked softly on it and when he heard her sob something indistinguishable, he said softly and gently to the closed door, hoping that he was loud enough for her to hear, "'Chaela, I'm goin' to the lean-to now, just like you wanted. I do respect you and that's why I'm goin'. You're not anything that man said you were. You're not anything I said you were, either. Even if you don't believe me now, I'm sorry, my heartsong. I'll be out there if ya need me and I'll be here in the mornin'."
As he turned away, Sully nearly slapped himself in the face at his stupidity, he could leave Michaela alone in the house as she requested. She needed help feeding the babies, that's why he was still here in the first place. With fear mounting in his soul, he turned and walked back into the bedroom.
This is my first fan fiction and I would appreciate any and all feedback, so please feel free to review the chapter and any subsequent chapters if you think they are of interest either here or be orginal and comment on the "Stand By Me" thread of the fanfiction section of the Dr. Quinn, Medicine Woman forum The link to the thread is: http/forum.drquinn.us/viewtopic.php?t3949
Thanks, Corinna
