Chapter 22

As his horse galloped toward Colorado Springs, Sully kept as much of an eye on Michaela as he could. She half sat, half laid in his arms and she was still whimpering and clutching her chest as well as continuing to gasp for air. Sully had no idea what was wrong with his wife, but on instinct, he surmised that she was not having a heart attack, although he couldn't be certain given her physical position and symptoms at the moment. He thought though that the ailment was perhaps a physical manifestation of the psychological trauma that she had been through as a result of his abandonment and the possible divorce and that, as usual, Michaela had been internalizing the depth of her feelings just as much and he was externalizing the reason for his, and he fretted over the toll that this appeared to have taken on her body.

She also hadn't stopped crying since she had come to him and she had yet to recognize him, even after he had spoken softly to her about how much he loved her and how much he regretted not being there when she needed him, He told her that he would make Mr. Gregory pay for what he had done, though he wasn't sure that Michaela would approve of the way he was planning to handle the punishment the man would receive. Sully fully intended to inform the authorities of the attempted rape, but first he would make sure that Mr. Gregory knew who Michaela's husband was, how wonderful a woman she was, how much Sully loved everything about her and how much he hated Mr. Gregory for what he had done. Though it normally went against his principals, Sully had decided that once his wife was well, he would not only speak to Mr. Gregory, but make sure that Mr. Gregory suffered physical pain for the pain he had caused his heartsong.

As they arrived at Andrew's clinic, Sully looked down to see his wife in the exact same position and her behavior no less erratic or frightening than it had been when he had last dared to look down at her as the horse raced toward help. Urgently, Sully yelled for Andrew and when the young man appeared, he gestured for him to take his mother-in-law into his arms, but only for as long as it took Sully to dismount, for after that, Sully insisted on being the one to hold her and she was no less insistent, for she screamed like a wild animal the moment Andrew touched her. The scream seemed to have worsened her chest pain, however, and she had begun breathing even more heavily than she had before, making it difficult for her to scream out her protestations as Sully carried her into a place she no longer recognized as safe followed by a young man that she feared was going to do her harm.

Once in the clinic, Sully placed her gently on the examination table and tried to turn to his son-in-law, worry etched in his face and evident in his eyes. His turn was stopped short, though, as Michaela gripped his arms with an animal-like intensity that he didn't know was possible in a human grip. Choking back his own yell of agony and instead concentrating on Michaela's face, he relayed what he knew of his wife's condition as best he could to Andrew:

"Andrew, you gotta help her. She came to me in the middle of the night, walking through the middle of the woods dressed just like this. I don't know why, I don't even know if the kids know she is gone, but she don't seem to recognize me, so I doubt if she was in the right mind to tell the them where she was going. She keeps mumbling about how much she loves me and how much pain she has been in, but she don't seem to know it's me, Andrew. You gotta do something, she don't see nothin' around her and yet she won't let go of me. It's like she clinging to something she knows in her heart is me, but her mind can't tell her anything and…. And…. And… Towards the end of what she was saying to me, she just started gasping for air and clutching her chest. I have seen some people do that when they are having a heart attack, but she hyperventilated when the twins were born, so I don't know. Is it something serious?"

Andrew was only half listening to his worried father-in-law. When he had seen that Michaela was exhibiting such dangerous symptoms, he had immediately gone to work. As he went about completing his examination, he had in the back of his mind the dread of possibly having to tell his wife that her mother had had a severe heart attack, or, if that diagnosis proved incorrect, a severe pain attack and mental breakdown, either of which he knew would devastate Colleen. He had known for many months that his wife's parents were estranged and he couldn't help but feel a certain sadness about it apart from sympathy for his wife, for they were also like parents to him. As he listened intently to Michaela's heart and lungs, he though about the fact that his father-in-law, may have literally and physically shattered the heart of the woman he had known the older man to refer to in his stories of their courtship as his heartsong. The term seemed ironic now, as Andrew detected an un-weakened but irregular and fast heart beat and the sound of lungs which were overworking themselves to compensate for what he guessed was most likely a combination of her heart's unnatural rhythm and a hunger of the soul which could not be satisfied by air but, rather, was in dire need of a love only his father-in-law could re-affirm.

Turning to Sully, he looked the older man straight in the eye and in the most professional manner Andrew could muster in this very personal situation, he said, "First I can tell you that the scratches on her hand are ones that I sewed up earlier today when she broke the stained glass window on your front door. I should have seen it before, but she said it was an accident and Colleen believed her, so when she seemed fine this afternoon, I though she was telling the truth. I'm sorry Sully, I should have seen it." The young man lowered his head contritely for a moment as Sully looked open-mouthed at him, trying to ignore the fact that Andrew just said that Michaela had destroyed the beautiful stained glass window that they had fought over and finally became partners because of. "

She had destroyed it? Sully thought. Destroying it was like destroying a piece of their marriage, but Sully also knew now not to take it as another sign of her rejection, for his wife was unaware of what she was doing and obviously had been, at least partially in such a state since the incident…the attempted rape at her clinic by Mr. Gregory. With great difficulty, Sully swallowed his anger at the attempted rapist and tried to focus on the issue at hand, his wife's health. He knew that Michaela didn't need for Andrew to feel guilty or for Sully to feel the need for revenge. She needed medical help for the condition that Sully could see was only growing worse.

"That don't matter now, Andrew. What matters is Michaela's health. What's happenin' to her now? Why is she like this?"

Andrew swallowed his guilt and tried to put on a brave face for his father-in-law as he began his diagnosis, "Medically, I would have to say that Michaela is suffering from a severe panic attack coupled with a mental breakdown of some kind. Her heart beat is dangerously fast and irregular and that could become a serious medical issue if it goes untreated for much longer so I will give her Digitalis to slow its rate and even its rhythm. Her breathing is also too heavy and irregular for my comfort, but there is little we can do in that regard since there is nothing physically wrong with her lungs, the only way to deal with it is to coax her to breath slower and that will be a long process, considering her state at the moment, but it is imperative that we try. Non-medically, Sully, I have to be honest with you, based on what I see in Michaela's exam and what I know of your situation, I would have to say that Michaela is indeed dying…dying of an catastrophic overload of emotions. Whether she lives is up to you and you alone."

Sully's own heart stopped as he realized his own diagnosis at the camp had been correct and that his dream may in fact come true.


Michaela had been screaming his name for hours, screaming it at the top of her lungs as though someone were beating her Sully thought, and then he realized the truth: someone had beat her. He'd seen the top of the bruise when Andrew had pulled down her camisole to examine her after Sully had brought her into the clinic. That had been hours ago, and yet she was still screaming, screaming as though someone were killing her and she couldn't escape. Sully had tried a hundred times or more in those hours to convince his wife of her surroundings and of the fact that he was indeed there with her, determined not to let any harm come to her ever again. Though he'd been nervous at first, Andrew had suggested that he hold her, stroke back her hair, talk softly to her as though they were still the happy couple that they'd once been. At first the soft reassurances had come haltingly, his lips so used to being restrained in their efforts to say such words to her, but his heart seemed to know that it was free now and it reveled in the opportunity to try and reassure Michaela of its love. Despite Sully's best attempts at comfort, however, the screaming had continued until Andrew had advised that Sully leave the room while he gave Michaela something to calm her. Sully had refused and had watched as Andrew injected her with a drug that only promised them a slim chance of helping them regain the same Michaela again. As he sat by the bed now holding her hand and stroking her hair softly as she slept in a heavy drug-induced haze, he wondered what she was experiencing within her dark tunnel and only wished he was there with her to make her see the light at the end of it.

Michaela was in a dark tunnel. In her dreams and her hallucinations, she had been reliving the time that she'd spent alone after she told Sully that nothing had happened. She remembered the look of defeat on his face as he finally accepted that she was going to tell him nothing of what had been done to her and was not going to let him take care of her and the children the way he sensed she'd needed him to after what had happened. She could still remember his words as they echoed in the tormented halls of her mind.

"Michaela, please talk to me," he had entreated, all rancor from their previous arguments gone.

"Talk to you about what, Sully? I'm fine. I keep telling you that, but you won't believe me. Perhaps you want me to play the damsel in distress, but I don't need to, Sully. I'm fine…just fine. Now leave me. I'll pick up the children from the mercantile, but I would prefer you didn't come to the homestead tonight. It's too hard to have you around me all the time, especially if you think something's wrong with me. There is nothing wrong and I couldn't hate anything more than you hovering over me at the dinner table watching me like a hawk."

'A hawk,' Sully thought, 'What an auspicious symbol for her to use at such a time. Her heart knows I love her, I just have to keep trying,' he told himself, not willing to give up. "Michaela, I wanna come to dinner. I told you before, I want to be there for you and the children always. I made mistakes in the past, but you need me right now. Somethin' terrible's happened. Why can't you just accept that?"

"GET OUT!" she shouted. "I don't know why you seem not to understand that phrase, Sully. Nothing is wrong. I will take care of our children. GET OUT AND DON'T COME BACK!"

Sully realized he'd lost the battle and with one last attempt to pull her into his arms, an attempt that was violently rebuked. He cued Wolf to follow him and left the clinic for the lean-to.

When he had left Michaela moved over to the chair behind her desk and put her arms around body, hugging herself close. For a moment she sat without making a sound, she herself stunned at the force with which she had rebuffed her husband. She then began to sob and scream, screams that were at once so primal as to be almost unnatural and sobs that were so heavy she could barely breath. She didn't care now about alerting the townsfolk, although she knew that if she screamed for too long she would embarrass herself further in front of the town and they would start to wonder if she deserved the stature of a respected doctor or if she was rather more suited for the role of the town psychotic. If they'd only known what had happened. If they did she was sure then that neither one of those title would hold a candle to Town Adulteress or Harlot.

She wanted to tell Sully everything, for everything to be as it was between them. She wanted it more than she'd ever wanted anything in her life and yet she felt somehow that by admitted to him what happened, she would be driving the final nail into the coffin that held her marriage and there would be nothing left to do with it that see it buried and forgotten. If she told Sully what happened, she would be admitting that Mr. Gregory was right and she would be proving to him what she had known about herself for months now. She was a whore and had invited his advances. Perhaps he had even been right in saying that she had set a bad example for Katie. She couldn't live with anybody knowing this because no one would understand. Everyone would blame her. After all, she was at fault and she didn't want Katie to have any more reason to look at her mother with disgust. She couldn't shame her family for something she had provoked. She just couldn't let them know because they would want to be there for her to defend her and she couldn't let them stand by such an unlovable and unrespectable woman.

Overwhelmed by her own grief and depression, Michaela numbly stood and walked to the door, taking a deep shuddering breath before opening it and running to the general store where she knew Loren and Dorothy were occupying Katie and the twins. Moments before Sully had come to see Michaela, she'd asked that Dorothy leave and go tend to her children. Michaela saw that Dorothy was reluctant but knew that her friend understood her well enough to know that if pushed Michaela would only go further into denial and perhaps over the edge of sanity, as Michaela guessed that s Dorothy saw how precariously her friend was holding onto sanity and that the older woman feared that trying anything to comfort her which would push past Michaela's own line of emotional boundary would only exacerbate the problem.

Entering the general store, Michaela spotted her children. Katie was sitting on the floor drawing a picture under the gaze of a concerned and loving Loren, whom the little girl called Grandpa. He seemed to be watching Katie intently for any signs of trauma and yet Michaela saw that the older man was also trying to feign interest in the little girl's drawing which Katie was describing in a whisper as she went along. Michaela could sense, even from a distance, that Katie was disturbed, but she didn't have the energy to comfort the little girl and so she let her remain in Loren's care. Michaela then glanced over to Dorothy who was busy tending to the twins and trying to calm their cries of agitation. Michaela guessed that in their own small way, Charlotte and Josef were also traumatized by the jostles and harsh tones they'd experienced when she have been accosted by Mr. Gregory, but she was too overwhelmed by the needs of the babies to feel comfortable going to them in such a state. She couldn't be of any use to them. She couldn't protect them or Katie and since everyone had been too preoccupied to notice her as she stood in the doorway, she convinced herself that it would be better to leave Katie and the twins here as they would be under the watchful eyes of people much more capable respectable than she was at the moment or, as she thought about it, she realized that they were more of those things than she had ever been. Her babies were better off not having to stand by a mother who would only bring them shame and who had caused with her wantonness a broken marriage and the attention of another man, and so she left her children, slipping out of the doorway of the Mercantile and into the morning shadows as quickly as she had come. Mechanically, she walked back to the clinic, climbed into the wagon and slowly rode away toward the homestead.

Inside the Mercantile, Katie stopped drawing long enough to look up at her grandfather and ask with big sad eyes and a quivering lip, "Grandpa, where's Mama? And what did the man do to her?"

Loren was taken aback by the question, but he couldn't refuse the eyes of the little girl who had become as much his granddaughter as Hannah would have been, nor could he stop the worry from tightening in his throat at the thought of what Michaela, the woman he considered his daughter, might be thinking, feeling and going through at the moment. Dorothy had told him in hushed tones that Michaela had refused to speak to her about the incident when she had visited the clinic, but that Sully was dues to arrive with Matthew at the clinic soon after she left. This, however, did not calm Loren's uneasy sense of foreboding as he knew that Sully and Michaela were near the brink of divorce and that the man who had become like a son to him may not have been able to keep him from losing yet another daughter. He swallowed hard and tried his best to smile as he answered Katie's question.

"You're Aunt Dorothy said your mama was alright and that the man who took her had been taken off to jail by Robert E. She'll be along soon. Until then, I'll stand right by ya and watch ya as ya finish coloring your pretty picture. How's that?"

"Okay, Grandpa," Katie said with the biggest smile she could muster, although Loren could see that her lip was trembling beneath the pasted smile.

"That's Grandpa's girl" Loren said, bending to kiss Katie on the cheek before locking eyes with Dorothy across the room, who was busily trying to calm the hungry twins.

"Loren, " she said above the mounting wails, "They're hungry and Michaela's not back yet. What should we do?"

"I got some new kinda bottles in the back room and some formula we could give 'em"

"Loren, you know how Michaela feels about formula," Dorothy said, shocked that he would even suggest such a thing.

"I know, Dorothy," he said, trying to keep the mood light for the sake of the children, "but we're not sure when their Ma's gonna be back and you know that she'd want us to do the best we can by her children until she can care for 'em again." Loren's meaning went deeper than just proposing a fix for the current situation for he'd seen Michaela in the doorway, seen the emptiness in her eyes and the sullenness that pervaded her body and had known that it would be a long time before she would be able to care for her children the way she wanted to, care for them in a way that was better than leaving them in the care of others while she sorted things out and while she and Sully found the connection their hearts were missing.


This is my first fan fiction and I would appreciate any and all feedback, so please feel free to review the chapter and any subsequent chapters if you think they are of interest either here or be orginal and comment on the "Stand By Me" thread of the fanfiction section of the Dr. Quinn, Medicine Woman forum The link to the thread is: http/forum.drquinn.us/viewtopic.php?t3949

Thanks, Corinna