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Fade to Black
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It was nice laying like this. Back during the quest, he'd thought about it and dismissed the idea in the same breath. It was too dangerous he'd told himself but would it have been?so many people took advantage of the fact that he'd put himself in danger to save her. A couple even kidnapped her to lure him out. It wouldn't have made a difference in all honesty. Most people with eyes - or at least with noses that worked- knew the truth. Except the one person it affected most. Honestly he should have just said to hell with it. He was strong enough to protect her and she was more than strong enough to defend herself. They could've faced whatever threats together. As a team. Taken precautions.
And she would've known. She wouldn't've left him behind...
Snuggling closer to Kagome's body, Inuysha let out a soft huff of frustration as he stubbornly tried to push that thought and all the bad feelings associated with it from his mind. Kagome came back and it wasn't like she left him for no reason. Stupid her reason might've been it was still a reason. And she had come back to check on him eventually so that was something.
Or the dreams he'd been having decided to become more elaborate. Maybe the quest and all that came with it was just something his subconscious made up for no reason. A brief reprieve from the hell that was being in a loveless relationship. One where his wife-to-be nagged him constantly and maybe, kinda, sorta wanted to murder him or something. Which maybe it would've done nothing more than turned him human but if Mt. Hakurei couldn't purify the demon out of him permanently he seriously doubted Kikyo had the power to do it. That stupid mountain's 'purification' lasted maybe five minutes once he got out of range. All Kikyo 'turning him human' would accomplish up was excruciating pain.
Making a slight face, it occurred to him that Kikyo, of all people, should know how much it would hurt to do what she said she wanted to do. It wasn't like the demons she'd purified died giggling. Each and every one of them screamed in agony. Why then would she even ask such a thing? An idea occurred to him but he quickly dismissed it. No, if Kikyo remembered everything then there would have been signs. Kikyo was many things but an actress wasn't one of them.
His head ached as he tried to make sense of it all before giving up completely. It wasn't like any of that mattered anymore. This was real. Kagome was real. His love for her was real. This was the truth. This right here wasn't a false memory or a dream.
His arm gently pressed against Kagome's stomach to pull her closer. How would he know if this was a dream or not though? Truth be told, he hadn't slept since the miko fell back into his life even before he knew who she was. Afraid she'd disappear if he took his eyes off of her for one second. That he'd wake up and find this too had merely been a dream as it had been for the past two years. Irrational it may be but a traitorous part of his mind whispered that maybe his mind had just filled in blanks because he had been so miserable. That he'd fallen asleep and didn't know it. Stuck in a dream world where nothing made sense and wake up in a hell of his own making Thats how it had been for the past two years.
Two years of barely being able to look his friends in the eyes because he knew how much they disliked his new fiancé. Two years of his stomach churning because what the literal hell was he thinking. Two years of resignation and being in a loveless relationship because apparently his self-esteem really was that low. Two years of praying that he stayed in his dreams where he felt safe and loved and happy with some unknown blurry figure rather than wake up and face...face reality. Kagome had been gone two years. Two years where she didn't even check on him to make sure he was alive. Two years he could've been dead for all she knew and she…she didn't even think to…
Oh god dammit not now. Please not now. Why the hell did he feel like crying? It wasn't like he was a normally emotional person so why was the fact he never had a wife affecting him so hard? It...it wasn't the end of the world that...that ya know, he was one hair away from being alone again. Not really but the risk was there. Any security he felt turned to ash. Everything he'd known, he'd relied upon, his comfort, his security blanket, his home was a lie. It wasn't terrible that he didn't...that they weren't...after all, he was holding her and they'd kissed and…and…
"Shit," Inuyasha breathed hoarsely as he suddenly released her and scrambled backwards. Inuyasha was gone and running before Kagome could ask him what was wrong.
It wasn't…it felt like...he'd been doing so much better and now that she was back, it was like he was reverting right back to his emotional constipated ways. Which was not good seeing how well that method worked last time and how he'd convinced himself he had a wife while she went around thinking he hated her or some shit. But it wasn't even the same by any stretch of the imagination. Two years of being uncharacteristically open was now rebounding back on him so he literally couldn't control how he reacted to things. At first he'd been confident but now…now it was like his heart was split right open and all the bad feelings he had been masking were coming out to play. It wasn't like anything bad had even happened. Only good things had happened. Well relatively good. God her kisses had been…
Swallowing thickly, Inuyasha launched upwards and tired to plaster his back against the bark. It was like his mind was spiraling out of control – the whiplash that everything he knew was a lie hitting him full force. It had gotten to him a little earlier before she'd distracted him but now it was crashing down on him like a waterfall. During the two years she was gone and the two years she was here, everything in his life had been fabricated. By himself. By the jewel. Nothing in his life was real. Nothing was like he'd thought it had been. While Kagome had tried to show him why she was confused and while her methods had been everything he'd ever hoped they could be, it…it…
Taking a shuddering breath, he wiped away a few tears pooling in the corners of his eyes as he tried to clear his suddenly congested nose. He hated this. He didn't even know why he was crying. Men didn't cry and it seemed like most of what he'd done since she came back was be a whiny little bitch. Stomach churning, he tried to steady his breathing and closed his eyes. Kagome was already worried because he was different now. Because he talked more and yelled less. Because he acted like…she thought he never…god when she said that he never looked at her like she was beautiful it almost broke his heart. For the life of him, he couldn't figure out what she meant and that confusion made him utterly heartsick but he'd forced himself to stay calm. Sorta. Everything he was doing made her doubt him more not less. Finding him crying by himself in a tree would just make her think he was crazy more than she already did but he wasn't crazy. It was worse. He was just an idiot. A blind, arguably abusive, utterly ignorant…
"Inuyasha?" Kagome's voice called out softly and Inuyasha flinched before running his hand repeatedly over his face. He still had a few minutes before she reached him. A minute to catch his breath, clean up and calm down.
Sniffling slightly, Inuyasha let out a shuddering breath as he haphazardly wiped away the stray tears which were trailing down his cheeks and dropped onto the ground right as Kagome approached. His emotional state still a little haywire but he could mask it. Just like he'd done most of his life. A life that he'd lived alone and in hiding and usually in some kinda pain because everyone wanted to kill him and so many had come close and…and…Kagome had protected him from all that. She'd…
Okay that line of thinking was not helping. He needed to rein it in. Pretend everything was alright. That was something he used to be good at after all. Something that had gotten him through…
"You okay? Did you sense something?"
"Thought..." his voice cracked slightly and he wanted to scream in frustration. Clearing his throat, he opted for turning away and staring into the canopy, "Thought I heard something is all."
He could feel himself closing up. The wall Kagome had torn down trying to build itself back up again and he hated it. The feeling making his stomach drop sickeningly as he steadfastly refused to meet her gaze. Why was this happening now? They were together, right? She said she loved him so what was the problem?
Her hand gently scratched the back of his neck and Inuyasha subconsciously leaned into her touch seeking comfort. If his nose wasn't so stuffed up, he could read what she might be thinking. When her hand slowly trailed across his neck a soft sigh escaped him and when it cupped his cheek he had to consciously deny himself the urge to nuzzle her palm. For whatever reason he needed this reassurance right now. Needed a sign that at least part of what he'd thought back then was true. This backfired of course because whatever could go wrong was going wrong anymore. Denying the impulse did make some tears gather in his eyes and this too be stubbornly ignored. His resolve wavered with embarrassing speed and he subtly pressed his cheek into her hand as a happy medium.
"Somethings wrong," she murmured affectionately and he couldn't find the strength to deny it. This shouldn't be bothering him. He shouldn't be this weak. All he'd been since she came back was ride the world's rudest rollercoaster. Unable to think or do anything other than desperately keep her in his life. Last night, well okay tonight, had been the first time he'd actually remembered there were dangers other than Kagome leaving him. Things other than free will that might take her away. Was he that selfish of a person? Why the literal fuck was this bothering him?!
"Come back to bed," Kagome murmured as she ran her thumb over his cheek. His nostrils flared slightly as he leaned more of his weight into her gently touch and closed his eyes. No matter how hard he tried, the centuries old skill set refused to activate and as such, his vulnerability in this moment was on full display. But after all the back and forth, it seemed redundant at this point to bring up what exactly was bothering him. What was supposed to say? I know we've been over this and I realize how stupid I was but I'm not over it yet? It sounded pathetic even in his head, he couldn't even begin to imagine how bad it would sound out loud. Everything was going so wrong. Everything. And was he just supposed to shrug off that she left for two years? That she didn't even...that...
"I'm fine Kagome," Inuyasha sighed heavily for lack of something better to say, "Just...just need to check on some things is all."
"Then I'll come with you," she countered and he tried to keep his expression neutral as one of his hands reached up to cover hers. If he tried to explain anything right now, he had a feeling he'd probably burst into tears for no god damn reason. Maybe the jewel did mess with his mind. Stripped away his ability to hide how he was feeling and force him to put it all on full display to drive Kagome away. To make her hate him. Leave him. Make him so different that he wasn't even recognizable. Make him someone she wouldn't love anymore. Inuyasha flinched at the thought and a nearly inaudible whine escaped his throat. What on earth was wrong with him?
One of her fingers traced the dark circles under his eyes before she hummed in understanding of something.
"Have you slept since I came back?" she asked softly and Inuyasha managed to shrug indifferently without bursting into tears. That was a win as far as he was concerned.
"Because of the dreams?" she followed up and he flinched slightly but didn't reply. His cheek still cradled in her hand as he kept his eyes closed and tried to focus on staying in control. Maybe the jewel did break him but not in the way Kagome thought. It didn't want them together. It changed him fundamentally to drive a wedge between them. To make it so she wouldn't love him anymore and she'd leave this world forever. Why couldn't anything be easy? Back when he thought they were married, it had been easy as breathing being around her and now it only hurt. Every word coming out of her mouth tainting the happiest moments of his life and making him sick to his stomach.
The hand on his cheek pulled back and Inuyasha had to consciously fight to maintain some semblance of calm. If she wanted him to be like he used to be, if the jewel really had broken him somehow, what on earth was he supposed to do now?
"I think you're, um, not feeling your best because you haven't been sleeping," Kagome cooed as she gently intertwined her fingers with his own and began leading him back to their temporary lodgings, "Come on. Let's get some sleep."
The thought of falling asleep made Inuyasha want to puke. He didn't need sleep and god forbid this was a dream and…and…
Inuyasha had to repeatedly swallow bile as she pushed back the reed mat and pulled him into the hut behind her. What was he…
"How about this?" Kagome as she sat down on the futon and gently forced him to kneel next to her, "I'll stay up and you can sleep in my lap, okay? You can just carry me tomorrow."
Inuyasha's shoulders sagged in defeat. She was talking to him like he was five which meant she could tell what a mess he was right now.
"I'm...I'm fine," he croaked miserably and Kagome gave him a patient look laced with pity.
"Inuyasha look at me," she ordered gently and he hesitantly met her gaze. Once again her hand came up and cupped his face, "I love you. Nothing. Nothing is going to change that. Nothing. But you haven't been sleeping and you look exhausted. I promise this isn't a dream. I promise I'll still be here in the morning. I will never, never leave you again."
Inuyasha gave her a weary look before averting his eyes and playing with his hands.
"What if you were right? What if…what if the jewel did break me? I can't…" he let out a shuddering sigh and shook his head, "I'm not normally like this. Even…even in the life I thought I had I wasn't. I'm just…"
"Tired," Kagome laughed softly as she continued stroking his cheek, "You haven't slept in almost four days and you've had a lot thrown at you in a very short period of time. That would make anyone's brain melt. Now come here."
Biting his lip, Inuyasha cursed himself and his stomach churned even more. Rolling her eyes, Kagome gave him a sad little smile before crawling over and pushing him lightly onto his back. Laying out next to him, she gathered his body closer and pushed his head onto her chest – one hand gently massaging his scalp while the other gently adjusted his arm so it lay draped across her stomach. She could feel his jaw jumping and anxiety was radiating off of him in waves. It was still surprising to her how open he was being, how vulnerable but maybe having the jewel rip part of your life away, implanting new memories and then having everything crash together at once scrambled the brain a little. Well more than a little. He was frightened and heartsick and confused but most importantly, he loved her. That strangely she didn't doubt. Not anymore. It was still strange that the man she'd always thought of as invincible and stoic was just like everyone else when it came down to it was strangely comforting. Not that she thought of him as different but he'd always kept his emotions so close to his heart. Hid them from the world because if he acknowledged them out loud…
Sighing, Kagome pressed her lips firmly against his temple and in response, she felt him sink into her embrace.
"I love you," she whispered as she continued running her finger tips gingerly across his scalp – she could feel the tension slowly leaving his muscles as his breathing evened out. Every once in a while, he'd jerk and she'd feel his eyelids open – his heart beating a little faster before his lips twitched upwards and he drifted off again. She wasn't sure how late it actually was but hopefully he'd get a full night's rest rather than a few hours. If not, maybe they could stay an extra night before heading out. If they were going to go on a new quest, which would take god knows how long, then it would probably be better if his batteries were charged.
A nearly inaudible snore suddenly escaped him as he nuzzled her in his sleep and one leg suddenly adjusted itself to rest partially on her own. His weight finally relaxing fully on top of her as his face went completely slack. In that moment, Kagome knew she had never seen anything that warmed her heart quite like this.
