Chapter 23

When Michaela reached the homestead she had slowly climbed down from the wagon, bracing herself for the pain she would feel in her chest and torso when she hit the ground. Bracing herself proved to be not nearly enough, as she had to bite back a full-forced scream when her feet touched the ground and jostled the rest of her form.

When she was finally able to release the tension in her muscles and breathe again, she approached the homestead door and stared at the stained glass window for a moment, wondering how she had come to have such a husband as to let her have a beautiful stained glassed window that he could not afford. She realized with a pang that she had pushed him into buying it and that that was probably one of the many experiences which had lead him to hate her as much as he did now. Without thinking, she had stuck her hand out and balled it into a fist, punching through the stained glass window and shattering it into sharp pieces that fell to the porch floor. She had looked at them and realized that they symbolized a continuation of the crack in the mirror in the bedroom. Their marriage was slowly shattering because of her actions and the woman she was. At first, it had only begun to crack at the most intimate parts of its core, but now it stood as plainly shattered as the stained glass window, a window which was unique and could never be replace or rebuilt no matter how hard the finest craftsman tried. She stared down at the glass and at the blood slowly seeping from the cuts on her hand and smiled an unnerving smile of self-deprecation and utter despair.

Colleen had heard the shattering of glass and hurried to see what had broken. Opening the door she had seen her mother staring down with a shocked expression at the shattered remnants of what Colleen recognized as the stained glass window.

"Ma!" she had exclaimed, "What happened? Your and Pa's window! Are you hurt?" Doctor and daughter were fighting for control of Colleen's mind as she quickly scanned her mother for any signs of injury.

"No, no, I'm fine and I don't know what happened. It just…fell." Michaela had half known she was lying but truth and lies had been starting to blend together and the doctor within her had known that she was slipping further and further away from sanity, but she had refused to tell Colleen what she was feeling even though the young woman was a doctor and could possibly help to snap her out of it before she had become oo far gone. In truth Michaela hadn't wanted to tell Colleen. She hadn't wanted Colleen to rob her of the chance to escape, to be free, to fall into the world of unknowing and unfeeling, where no shame would dare haunt her for she would not be able to distinguish its presence among her other hallucinations and so as Colleen had insisted upon examining her, she had smiled and come inside, letting her daughter be the doctor and she the patient, having known that Colleen would be too distracted by the task of looking over her physical form to notice her mental stability slipping away.

Colleen had made a quick assessment of her mother and had realized that she would have to have Brian sweep up the glass and then fetch Andrew because Colleen herself did not have fine enough suturing thread to stitch up the wound and the young woman had also known that her mother didn't carry it with her either. Secretly, Colleen had also desired to have someone else sew up her mother's wounds so she could keep an eye on the injuries deeper than the ones that Colleen had been able to see. Colleen had also sensed in some unconscious way that these hidden wounds would prove to be her mother's undoing if help in the form of another man beside Andrew wasn't administered quickly or effectively enough.


After Andrew had come to stitch up her wounds, Colleen had forced Michaela to go to bed and rest. By now it was late afternoon and Michaela had been able to feel that the undisclosed pain in her body which she had tried valiantly and successful to hide from Andrew was overwhelming her, making her mind even more fuzzy and dark than it had been when she'd entered the house. She had thought of Katie, the twins, Brian, Colleen, Matthew and Sully and wondered whether their lives would be better off if she disappeared, taking with her the reality of the assault, Mr. Gregory's words, her failings as a wife and mother and Sully's departure. Memories lost along with the woman who only seemed to bring trouble and pain to her family a family who had had to bear the weight of the burden she was. Yes…perhaps it would be easier if she had never existed, but she couldn't do anything about that now. All she had been able to do was make herself vanish, starting with her toes and working her way up to her mind and her memories. This decided, she had concentrated on fading into nothingness one part at a time, first her toes had disappeared, then her legs, then her arms, her torso, her chest, her neck, her head and finally her mind. But try as she might, she could not erase her memories or her heart and these things had set out for the woods in the dark of night to find the one who would stand by her as she searched for a way to make the rest of herself reappear.

Sully couldn't stand it any longer. She had been screaming throughout the night since the drug had worn off, so that now, no matter what he did, held her close, gave her distance, talked to her or remained silent, she simply screamed his name and clutched the air as though she were searching for something which included him, he was certain, but was something more than just himself. In an attempt to meet his wife's needs and to convey his love, he thought about the repetitive routines she went through while screaming. She would first clutch the air wildly, her fingers grasping like claws onto something only she could see and it was at these times that if Sully was near she would grab him and momentarily quiet herself as though pacified by his presence. Moments later, however, she would return to calling his name and tracing her own bodily connection to her before searching wildly again for something more, Sully pondered want he had seen a while longer before it dawned on him what he wife was searching for.

About ten p.m, after he had been to visit the children, tucking the smallest into beds kept for them at Grace and Robert E's and securing the godparent's commitment to watch over and feed Katie and Charlotte and Josef for a few days, he had made a decision. He explained to the older children his realization and somehow, even in their continued anger, they could see that Sully was the only person who could help their ma get back what she needed to be whole again. Whether they would let him continue to be near their mother one she was well or whether Colleen and Matthew would let him into their hearts again were issues ro be settled when Michaela healed. What mattered now was that Sully had an idea of how to keep them from losing their mother,.

From his observations of his wife earlier, Sully had realized that Michaela desired to find the part of herself that was connected to Sully, that fused them as a unit, as a partnership, as a soul. She needed him to stand by her as they found themselves again because as she'd one told him, "Hawks mate for life." Sully now understood that this further meant that one hawk's spirit cannot soar without being entwined with the spirit of its mate. Thus, under the watchful and worried eyes of Matthew, Colleen, Brian, Loren and Dorothy, Sully picked up his heartsong and set out on a journey which he knew they would only survive if they learned to start to trust and love one another again and faced it together.


This is my first fan fiction and I would appreciate any and all feedback, so please feel free to review the chapter and any subsequent chapters if you think they are of interest either here or be orginal and comment on the "Stand By Me" thread of the fanfiction section of the Dr. Quinn, Medicine Woman forum The link to the thread is: http/forum.drquinn.us/viewtopic.php?t3949

Thanks, Corinna

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