Chapter 24

As Sully cantered toward the campsite, he wondered whether Michaela would remember why he had chosen it or even if she would understand that she was with him at all. As they hurried along, he momentarily leaned down to kiss her temple as she leaned against him. He was certain that this was the right thing to do, even though Andrew had begged him not to take her from the clinic in such a perilous condition.

Sully surveyed the landscape and tried to remember where they had put it so many years ago. After a few moments, he located a spot that seemed eerily familiar. He didn't recognized it consciously, but he felt a pang of familiarly course through him as he gazed upon it, a small clearing nestled in the bleak land of the rock face that they had climbed so many years earlier when getting away from Harding's men, after they had collected the poisonous water sample. "Yes", he thought to himself, this was exactly where he needed to put the lean-to. This is where they had learned to trust each other, learn to rely on one another as one does a partner of the spirit and where they felt the first sparks of attraction, and maybe even love. Sully remembered the feel of Michaela's hand is his that night as if it were yesterday. She'd been so timid in reaching out to him, and so her hand, searching for his, had been tentative, and yet needy, as though it was searching for a safe place from which to draw strength. Now, as he looked at his wife sitting against him even more snuggly, she having fallen into a fitful sleep moments after he checked on her the last time, he thought about how he was going to get her to reach out to her again.

Slowly, he stopped his horse's movement and reached to take Michaela into his arms as he dismounted. She was still crying out for him softly in her sleep and each cry made him feel all the more guilty for all he had done under false pretenses since he'd read the letter. As he held his wife, she snuggled against him, as if she was unconsciously afraid of being left alone and he treasured the feel of her momentary trust because he also knew that if she had recognized him. she would have feigned some excuse to put as much distance between them as she could.

He gently laid her on the ground, wrapping her in the blanket that he'd brought along with them in effort to keep her warm and to ensure that she wouldn't thrash about and hurt herself on the sharp rocks that littered the ground in this unstable territory. After he had finished this task, he looked at her once more to make sure that she was as comfortable as he could make her before setting about the task of gathering the materials for the lean-to. He tried to stay as close as he could to the camp, only venturing out of sight from his wife when it was absolutely necessary to gather larger sticks, a pile of which he had seen behind their campsite. No matter where he went, however, he still heard her calls, weak and hoarse cries for safety, security and peace, It was as if she was alone somewhere, in a place no one could reach and all she wanted was him, but was too confused to see him, the oasis at the end of the desert. Analyzing his metaphor further, Sully realized that, perhaps, on some level she did realize he was there, but thought he might be a mirage, one that would disappear as soon as she relied on its existence. He had know men on his travels that had been in the army so long during the Civil War that even though they were at home now, they still believed that they were dreaming, and refused to attach themselves to the present for fear that they would wake up and be starved of the comfort that they so desperately desired. Was that to be Michaela's fate, Sully didn't know, but thought spurred him on and he continued to build the lean-to now constructing it at an even quicker pace.


An hour and a half later, the lean-to had been built and rain had begun to fall, much like on the night that he and Michaela had spent there before they were courting. Sully quickly went to his wife and lifted her into his arms, along with the blanket, carefully wiping away the sprinkles of rain that had dotted her face after she had fallen asleep a half an hour into Sully's building of their shelter. Once underneath the structure, Sully set down his wife gently, and then slowly lowered himself to sit down beside her.

Once settled, he reached over and stroked Michaela's hair back from her forehead, noticing that she was still drenched in sweat and hyperventilating, even after digitalis and laudanum that Andrew had given her at various points throughout the night before. The young doctor had had to be careful not to give his colleague the medicines too close together as he feared such a combination would prove lethal to Michaela in a healthy state, not to mention in the state she was in now. Before Sully had taken Michaela, Andrew had, however, trusted Sully's ability to read Michaela's needs enough to give the mountain man some of both medicines to take with him on their trip, showing Sully exactly how much of each to give his wife if her symptoms warranted them. Looking down at his wife in her present condition though, Sully wasn't sure if he had the stomach for giving her the potent drugs and he doubted Andrew's faith that he would know when she needed them and when she could fight the battle with her demons on her own.

"Michaela," he said softly as she began to whimper once again for him. She wasn't screaming for him now, but rather whimpering, like a hurt puppy and that frightened him all the more. "I'm here Chaela, you're safe. No one will hurt you, again. Not even me, I promise I'll never hurt you the way I did again and I'll try never to hurt you at all, if I can help it. Though I know no one can be perfect, I want to be for you."

Michaela made no sound in response to his assurances other than to continue her whimpering, but after a moment, she suddenly rolled toward Sully and snuggled against his side like she hadn't done in months. She pressed so tightly against him that Sully was uncomfortable, not because he didn't relish the affection, but because she seemed to desperate to reassure herself, even subconsciously that he loved her and the thought that she didn't know it broke his heart for what seemed like the thousandth time in the last 48 hours. Abandoning his reservations, he slid down to lie next to her. He put his arm around her and cuddled her even closer, content to lie there and silently reassure his wife with his touch that he would never again leave her. He tried to undo the damage of the moment the twins were born by again whispering the three words Michaela no longer believed, "I love you."

Sully fully expected Michaela to remain silent or respond to his words by moving away, her actual reaction startled and worried him further. Without a word, Michaela stopped cuddling with Sully and began to caress him, slipping her hand inside the material of his shirt and rubbed her hands sensuously over his warm skin. Sully's body began to respond to her advances, but his mind knew that reacting to her enticements would only feed her insecurities and make her further believe that she was cheap and of no morals. Mr. Gregory had almost succeeded in raping her and Sully knew that this attempt to have sex with him, for her moments were too hurried and reflexive to be called attempts to make love, was most likely her way of acting out the degradation that was her attacker's attempted rape.

He could not however, help but react when she slowly moved to lay over him, arousing him in ways that he could not biologically control. As he was attempting to slow his pulse and gain control of the situation, he felt her slipping his shirt from inside of buckskins and attempting to slip his shirt over his head. He tried to stop her, but she was too quick for him as she continued her touches and kisses with almost animalistic intensity. She began to kiss him, first on the lips, then on the neck and chest and finally on his torso. Sully would have had no chance to respond to the kisses if he felt right about it, however, as she quickly moved from one spot to another. as if she didn't expect to receive pleasure in return for what she gave. Gone were the languished and loving kisses that lasted for as long as they could make them. Gone were his wife's whispered terms of endearment and enjoyment that he had come to expect and enjoy when they made love. She was behaving now as if she were a servant.

Suddenly, she raised up and captured his lips tightly with her own, slipping her tongue in between his lips in a sort of choking passion that left Sully no longer aroused, but instead rather terrified. He could tell by the way that she grimaced as she kissed him and the way her eyes closed tighly as she moved over him that she was forcing herself to do this for what she thought was his enjoyment. She didn't want to do this now. It was almost as if she was steeling herself for the inevitable and forcing him to go past the point of no return and thus, forcing him to violate her as well. As carefully as he could, he pushed her off of him, laying an arm out beside him to catch her as she fell away from him, still desperately trying to undo his buckskins with pained urgency as though she desired to complete the violation and have her fears of being a whore realized in Sully's mind. As her husband's gentle maneuvering of her body ended, she found herself in his arms again. safely beside him with nothing expected of her and no demands placed upon her.

The fog in her mind lifted momentarily as she realized she was with Sully, the one man who, even after everything that had happened between them, still desired to hold her more than to be with her for his own pleasure. She still wasn't sure if he loved her, but she wanted to believe desperately that his hold was real and that he had refused her advances not because he didn't want her, but because he respected that she was in pain and merely needed love rather than to be making love. Some part of her now realized that he did love her and always would cherish her the way a soul mate loves his partner. Her mind began to understand that though he'd said that he didn't love her, he didn't mean the words any more than she had meant them when she's said them to him She also truly couldn't imagine divorcing him and the rational part of her mind now knew that she had come up with the idea in order to build up a wall around herself.

Her mind was still foggy and her heart was still unable to open itself fully to him, but as she drifted off to sleep, exhausted from the emotional drain that her body had been through since the day before, she did look him in the eyes and tried to communicate silently how much she wanted him not to go, not to actually stop loving her, and not to stop holding her or when she had healed fully from the birth of the twins and the trauma that Mr. Gregory had put her through, connecting with her body and soul as only Sully had and no other man ever would.


This is my first fan fiction and I would appreciate any and all feedback, so please feel free to review the chapter and any subsequent chapters if you think they are of interest either here or be orginal and comment on the "Stand By Me" thread of the fanfiction section of the Dr. Quinn, Medicine Woman forum The link to the thread is: http/forum.drquinn.us/viewtopic.php?t3949

Thanks, Corinna