Chapter 25

The next morning Sully awoke knowing that that day would be a long one. Michaela almost seemed ready to talk and he knew that she would need him to listen rather than speak when the time came. He also knew though that he would have to be the one to push her enough that she would crack, not in the mental sense, for he couldn't stand seeing her as she was that night at the lean-to. No, he meant for her to crack in a way that would force her façade to crumble and for the vulnerable Michaela underneath to seek his solace, comfort, and love. He decided that he'd take the process slowly, but that he would began immediately when she awoke, as he knew this was the day that her healing would began. He knew this as surely as if the spirits had told him and as he faced his sleeping wife, he pondered whether they might have done just that in a way only they knew.

As his wife yawned and stretched in his embrace, he looked down at her and spoke quietly and soothingly, "Mornin' Chaela, sleep well? I bet you're awful tired. You can keep sleepin' if you want. I'm not goin' anywhere." Michaela didn't respond, but Sully could see she was more alert now and that the haziness and panic that had clouded the sparkle in her eyes had cleared. He feared that with this new clarity, she might attempt to put some distance between them as she'd been doing since he returned home, but when she made no move to do so, he knew that his suspicions had been right and that that day was in fact the day to begin the cleansing of both their souls.

Cautiously Michaela spoke to her husband, ashamed of her actions the night before, but knowing somewhere in her heart that Sully would not bring them up until she did and even then, she knew he would be gentle and respectful of what had been an uncharacteristic and desperate moment. "Good morning, Sully," she said quietly, her voice barely above a whisper. She was suddenly nervous to be this close to him, and yet it was not the same kind of saddening nervousness that had plagued her for months, but rather the flickers of the old excitement that had always been so potent between them, which caused the nerves that she now felt. She wasn't ready to give her heart fully to him again, and yet she felt as though she was on the verge of being able to see herself opening it slightly to him and starting to rebuild. Part of her though still urged caution as she still didn't know whether to believe that he really loved her and why he had left so suddenly and with such harsh words of rebuke.

There were also the children to consider, both young and old. They were all hurting and Michaela had to be careful around Sully because she was weary of anybody who could stand to hurt any of her children, no matter how old they were. Slowly she slid out of his embrace and stepped out of the lean-to and toward the small clearing near the campsite.

Sully made no move to follow her, as he knew that she was she was going to use the restroom and dress and would feel safe doing so this class to him only if he respected her need to be alone.

He knew that she would need this time to think through her own emotions and he also knew instinctively that she was weighing the children's opinions against her own feelings about him. It was almost too much to bear, thinking that Michaela was starting to come around, but that the relationship he had all but ruined with his children might still keep them apart.

He vowed that when he got his wife safely well and home, he would speak to his two older children about all the pain he caused them. Matthew seemed angry and hurt, but there were something sensitive about him that Sully knew he could reach. Colleen seemed to have built a wall around herself and Sully wasn't sure that even he, the man that had begun to break through the girl's mother's wall, could break the young woman out of her anger. Colleen was so much like Michaela, even if they didn't share blood and Sully knew that if he couldn't repair things with Michaela, Colleen would be that much harder to convince of his love. Shaking these thoughts out of his head, Sully realized he had to think positively and he had to take action. Knowing that sufficient time had passed for his wife to use the restroom and dress, he looked around for where she might have retreated.

Stepping out of the lean-to, he followed his wife's tracks until he came to a small clearing not far from where he'd dug a hole to use as a latrine. There he found his wife sobbing uncontrollably while sitting on the hard ground, a light rain pelting both of them as he took in the sight of her face, once again streaked with tears. "Michaela?" he asked tentatively, not knowing where to begin.

"Sully," she said in between sobs, "I wish, I want, I feel, I lo—."

For a moment Sully thought she was slipping back into psychosis, but her next words reassured him.

"I don't know how Sully, I want to trust you, I need to trust you, But how do I know that you're not going to leave me and the children again? I want you to hold me, Sully, but I can't let you. I'm too scared and being scared frightens me. I don't like giving myself to people because they can hurt me, Sully, and you hurt me. I don't know how to believe you again when you tell me you love me and the thought that I may never believe it, hurts me even more than anything you could have ever said. Help me, Sully. I can't do this on my own. I need you to promise me you'll be here. I need you, and only you."

Sully had never heard his wife be this honest about her needs for him and her request simultaneously filled him with love and guilt all at the same time. He swallowed the lump in his throat and thought about his next words. "We're gonna stay her for a while, Michaela. I don't know how much you remember, but Grace and Robert E. have the twins and Katie and Colleen, Matthew, and Brian are at the homestead along with Andrew. They're helping look after their brother and sisters and keeping the house safe until I bring ya home. You and me though Michaela, we're gonna have to take a journey, a journey only we can take and we gotta take it together if we're gonna get back the parts of ourselves that were lost when we spilt our hearts and spirits apart. I want what you want, Michaela. I will never forgive myself for all that I said to you, for the lie I told you, because that's what it was, a lie, nothing more. I shouldn't of left, I know that now and I also know that knowing it now does nothing for the pain you felt when you were alone and pregnant or when Mr. Gregory assaulted you. I can promise you now, Michaela, that if you're willing to take the journey with me, we'll make it. We'll help each other and we'll help the wounds heal. I brought you here because this is the place where you first trusted me with your care and love. And I know this is the place where we need to be"

Michaela nodded and smiled, remembering very well the night they'd spent at this very site before they were courting. Slowly she looked into Sully's eyes and gave him a soft smile of understanding, knowing that her husband's understanding of her heart has led him to bring her here. This was indeed the place where she first learned to trust him with an innocence and completeness that formed the core of their bond and made possible the relationship that they thought would never die. She realized with a slight upturn of her mouth that it was possible that their relationship still had not died and that if they were both willing to make a try to unlie the lies, not forget them, but retell them so that the truth was known and so that they were held captive no longer by the walls they built to protect themselves from one another, the walls they had built to keep themselves separate from their soul mate, their union might have a chance.

Without expressly saying so, Sully had asked her to trust him, to try again to soar as a pair, and she would accompany him on the journey as best she could. She hoped that that would be enough. As if he'd asked her directly, she softly whispered, "I'll try to fly with you again, Sully, to find the missing piece of you within me and me within you, but I'm afraid to do it alone. Please don't ask me to. Please stand by me."


This is my first fan fiction and I would appreciate any and all feedback, so please feel free to review the chapter and any subsequent chapters if you think they are of interest either here or be orginal and comment on the "Stand By Me" thread of the fanfiction section of the Dr. Quinn, Medicine Woman forum The link to the thread is: http/forum.drquinn.us/viewtopic.php?t3949

Thanks, Corinna