Chapter 26
Sully stood speechless, trying to absorb the most direct statement of emotions and needs that he'd ever heard from his wife in all the time that they'd be friends and a couple. She was literally begging him to be there for her and the urgency and desperation in her voice broke his heart. He didn't know how to respond, however, since anything he could think of to do would be inadequate.
Michaela watched her husband take in what she'd just said and grew fearful when he did not reply or move toward her. She felt foolish for telling him what she'd really felt, and yet she'd honestly felt that he desired the same thing she did. With renewed anguish in her heart, she moved to turn away from him, eyes closed, and lip trembling. As she did so, however, she felt a hand on her shoulder, gently urging her to turn around again. She followed the hand's gentle pressure and turned to face her husband, who looked at her with an amount of love that hadn't been present in his eyes for a such a long time that she thought she was imagining it. Abandoning her reservations, she quietly beseeched him, "Hold me, Sully. Make it go away. Make it all a horrible nightmare." Sully took her into his arms and held her close for a moment before speaking.
"I would if I could, 'Chaela, I would give my life to take your pain away, especially the pain that I caused, but I can't and for that I'll always feel guilty. I can, however, do just what you asked and stand by you while we get through it together, just like we tested that water together, jumped off that cliff together, had Katie and the twins alone in the woods together. We will get through this, together," Sully said, his voice strong with love and conviction.
"Sully," Michaela whispered, still buried deep in his chest, "Why did you say it? Did you mean it? Even for a minute? How could you? You know how hard it was for me to let myself love you." Her voice slowly became tinged with anger as her questions mounted. "Why didn't you send word? Why didn't you care how I felt?"
Sully opened his mouth to respond to her pained questions, but before he could, she pulled herself violently out of his grasp as she uttered the next accusing inquiry, "Why didn't you care about anybody but yourself? Just once, Sully, why didn't you talk to me when you were upset? Why did you just make the decision on your own without consulting me, without seeking my side of the story? Why didn't you act like you were married to me? I know, because marrying me was just something you wanted to do until you got tired of it, right? Then you figured you could just decide one day to stop loving me and I'd be fine with that, because of course, I have no emotions. I don't show them, so of course they don't exist. Is that what you thought, Sully? Well, they do exist and I thought you said that it was okay for me to express them, especially to you. Well I'm expressing them now, Sully, and after all that's happened, perhaps I was wrong. Perhaps I don't want to take the journey with you. Perhaps there is no quest left for us to take. Go away, Sully! Go away and never come back! I'll find my way home, back to MY children and I'll explain to them how their father made me lose my senses for a moment, but that I promise I will never let him close enough to hurt me or them, again."
Sully was taken aback by his wife's change in mood, but rather than be deterred by her repeated attempts to make him turn away from her, he vowed to persist harder in getting her to open up to him. "Michaela," he said, his voice commanding, but gentle, "I'm not leavin' ya. You can push me away, but I'm not goin' and the harder you push me away, the more rigidly I'm gonna stand here. The only way you can get me to go away is by talkin' to me and even then I'm only goin' away to start breakfast. We're spendin' the next couple days together whether you like it or not and we're gonna get back what you said you wanted, but only if ya help."
Michaela remained silent for a moment, absorbing her husband's words before she abruptly turned her back on him. Sully knew that this motion meant that she was letting him know she wouldn't respond to him if he insisted upon staying with her, but he also knew this was the right thing to do. And so, he remained standing there for the next three hours. During the time Michaela never so much as moved a muscle and she remained silent as well, deciding that two could play at this game and that Sully would never force her to do anything she wasn't ready to do. She had thought that she was ready to forgive Sully, to start on the journey towards healing and yet, as she sat in his arms all those hours earlier, she had begun to feel her anger rise up again with a vengeance. Now she bit her tongue to keep from saying the four words that she knew would cause irreparable damage to her marriage. Little did she know, they were the four misinterpreted words that had started the terrible nightmare she wished to end.
As she wandered deeper into the woods, Michaela begin to think that perhaps she wanted too much. Sully was a wanderer, he had proved it time and time again, though she loved him and knew he loved her, it was possible that this wasn't enough and that they were, in fact, too different just as she had feared. " Was it fair to keep Sully so tied to her when his spirit needed to soar. What little she remembered from her breakdown convinced her that the pain had gone too deep on both sides and that to be realistic about the reality of the pain Sully had caused her a nd the freedom he so obviously needed, she would have to be the one to end it. Resignedly, she turned and started back to the lean to, knowing that in the morning she would have to face her husband and then begin preparing for her trip to Boston. Though she knew this would cause the children pain, she needed to give herself the freedom to examine the ruins of her life and to Sully the chance to see if a life without the constant presence of the family he now seemed not to ever have wanted was the freedom he desired.
Ultimately, the children would benefit from parents who could stand by their choices in life. Of course, she knew that Sully would disapprove of her decision, but she had to stand firm, This wasn't about chivalry any longer, it was about two distant souls who could no longer pretend that love was enough, that was, if love even existed in Sully's heart anymore, or rather, if it ever had.
This is my first fan fiction and I would appreciate any and all feedback, so please feel free to review the chapter and any subsequent chapters if you think they are of interest either here or be orginal and comment on the "Stand By Me" thread of the fanfiction section of the Dr. Quinn, Medicine Woman forum The link to the thread is: http/forum.drquinn.us/viewtopic.php?t3949
Thanks, Corinna
