Chapter 27

"Sully," Michaela said quietly, hoping not to jolt her husband out of sleep if he was resting, but still needing to talk to him. Over the past week that they'd spent in the woods since her sojourn into the wilderness after their discussion, she'd been quiet, speaking Sully only when spoken to, and they'd passed most of the week in uneasy silence.

The night after their argument, Michaela had found Sully sitting in the same spot she had left him in, and upon her return he'd tried to talk to her, but she had been in too much turmoil. Hjer musings during her walk had convince4d her that there was only one thing to do for the sake of everyone involved, but she didn't know how to tell him and before she talked to him about what she felt they needed to do, she needed answers. She tried many times that week to ask him what she wanted to know, but the words just wouldn't come, somehow, though, she couldn't bring herself to tell him what her heart knew was best, not until she knew why.

"Hmmmmm?" murmured Sully sleepily. He'd noticed that Michaela had been more tense than usual all morning and if he weren't so nervous about every move he made, he would've tried to comfort her and probably cajole her into telling her what was on her mind Those tactics, however, had only worked in the past when they had been in love and on good times. Granted, he prayed to the spirits that they were still in love, but as for being on goods terms, he knew that there was little he could do at the moment to fix the rift between them. Michaela had snuggled him close every night in her sleep, something he doubted that she knew she was doing, because during the day she hardly said anything to him. Sully wondered if she just laid down next to him reflexively and snuggled him close because her subconscious worried about being alone rather than being without him. The thought that perhaps it wasn't her love that made her so affectionate with him broke his heart, and yet he didn't push her to declare her feelings for him. He realized that it'd been almost a month since he'd been home and that they hadn't kissed or held each other close, except in moments of extreme confusion or emotion on Michaela's part, moments that did not count as comfortable or endearing, but rather desperate and unnerving. Sully counted her habit of holding him at night now as one of those disturbing things that brought him no peace or joy, but only uneasiness and fear, as though they were a step between one shoe falling and the next shoe dropping without warning.

"I was just wondering," Michaela said tentatively. "I mean, I…I guess I've always wanted to know…I…I don't really understand. I don't see why…I…I can't even imagine, but why did you leave?" As soon as the words left her mouth, Michaela realized she didn't want to know because she could sense the reason would only cause her more pain than any moment so far in this incredible nightmare that had been, the time Sully had been away and back.

Sully swallowed hard, unprepared for and yet, expecting the question. "Michaela, I…I…I…"

"You what?" Michaela replied quietly and gently. "I'm listening, Sully. Don't be afraid."

"I got a lot to be afraid of. I don't wanna lose you."

"You won't lose me, Sully. Just tell me the truth. We can't get through anything, as long as…"

Sully cut her off. "I ain't so sure, Michaela, but if you really wanna know the reason, I'll tell ya, you deserve to know."

"I really do want to know, Sully. Perhaps knowing will help me understand and perhaps it'll help us both heal. For right now though, I just need to hear why."

It had been a long time since Sully had heard Michaela talk about them healing each other without his prompting and her loving and committed attitude bolstered his confidence as he began to speak. "I left because I read your note, the note you were plannin' to give me the mornin' I left."

"The note? Sully, wh--?"

"Yeah, the note, Michaela," he said, his voice breaking, the one where you were tellin' me how angry you were for my workin' so hard and how I wasn't there to protect you, and how you assumed that I thought that you didn't need me, or that you didn't want or need protection any more. The note that said that you assumed that I valued the Indians and the land over you and the children." Sully was yelling and crying now, trying desperately to get through his explanation before he completely broke down and felt like running again, running away from the truth of the matter because at that moment he had remembered what had really caused him to run away. The world stopped for a moment as he uttered the last sentence. "The letter where you were gonna end our marriage, the letter where you told me that you didn't love me."

"SULLY! I didn't write any letter to you. In fact, I wasn't clear what you were talking about until you started describing it. To be honest, that was a note to myself about all the things I wanted to say to you before you left."

"You wanted to tell me you didn't love me right before I left?

"No, Sully, I didn't say anything of the kind and if you knew me at all, you would know that I would never say anything to you like that." Michaela stopped for a moment before continuing, her voice outraged and filled with tears. "In fact, I remember writing that letter and I wanted to tell you that I love you no less than the day I fell in love with you for the first time. In fact, I loved you more and that's what your constant leaving hurt me. But you mean to tell me, Byron Sully, that after all those years of being in love, you really thought that I would tell you something that profound in a letter or that I would ever feel it at all and that you left our house, our home, our children's lives, my life, and broke my heart because of something you thought you read in a letter that you know I would never say from my heart, let alone my pen?"

"I'm sorry, Michaela, I…I…didn't …"

"You didn't what, Sully? You didn't know that you were my life? My soul? My everything? How could you do this to me?" She was sobbing now, new stabs of betrayal cutting her heart into small pieces, she felt as thought she could feel every knife stroke and at that moment she knew she had to sit down again.

Sully watched as she clutched her chest and began gasping for air, again, knowing that it was one of the nervous attacks Andrew had warned him about. He reached inside of his coat pocket, where he'd hidden the medicine. Miraculously it hadn't gotten crushed when the pole had impaled his arm. He pulled the medicine out with his good arm and ran toward his wife. "Michaela…'Chaela…it's gonna be alright. Just sit down and breathe."

"I…I," she gasped, not having any luck in slowing the affect of the hysteria.

"Shhhhhhh," he said gently, stroking her cheek and holding her close with his uninjured arm. "Just breathe, you're gonna be fine, I'm here and I'm never leavin' you again." Slowly, Sully felt her breathing and racing heart calm. Sully remained stroking her after that, however, hoping that just by his presence he could convey some comfort to the woman he loved more than life itself. After a few moments, he felt her gently disengage herself from his embrace and he turned to look into her eyes as she spoke haltingly, "I…want…a…" The tears flowed again as she mumbled the last word, then said it more clearly as she attempted to communicate through her sobs, "divorce."


This is my first fan fiction and I would appreciate any and all feedback, so please feel free to review the chapter and any subsequent chapters if you think they are of interest either here or be orginal and comment on the "Stand By Me" thread of the fanfiction section of the Dr. Quinn, Medicine Woman forum The link to the thread is: http/forum.drquinn.us/viewtopic.php?t3949

Thanks, Corinna