Chapter 29

Colleen sat alone in the in the front room of the homestead, trying to make sense of her emotions. She couldn't sleep, not since she'd been awoken by her father's voice saying "I am sorry, nemehotatse." She didn't know what it meant, but the way his voice sounded when she'd heard it had made tears spring to her eyes She was worried about her mother and truth be known, she was worried about her father too. She had seen the way he had behaved during her mother's break down and realized without a shadow of a doubt that her father and mother were still very much in love, but that her father's absence and the attack her mother had endured at the clinic had done severe damage to her mother's psychological state. Colleen worried that with things so unsettled between her ma and pa, her pa might not be the best person to leave Michaela alone with while she healed, and yet she alternately admired her pa's tenacity in insisting that he be the one to heal her. She knew that the couple shared a powerful connection that she and Andrew could only envy, although she loved her husband with all of her heart and he with all of his. Her parents had a connection and need for one another that was almost unexplainable to the unknowing stranger. It was something that she had noticed from the moment she had first spent time together with them and had really realized meant something that first Christmas when her pa had come to the homestead bearing gifts and her ma's face had lit up in a girlish blush. Even now while in the clinic she laughed at the memory. It was clear from the start that they were in love, even though they had known each other no more than two months. Her pa had a way of doing that to people. From the time Colleen was little, she had loved Sully and he was the best pa she could ever ask for, in fact, he was the only one she ever really had.

When she was four and Ethan had gone for the first time on some business venture and left her, Matthew, and Charlotte alone, she had cried because she had no pa to play with and hug, and she had cried even harder when at school they announced that there would be a father-daughter picnic one week at school. She hadn't known what to do. She knew that all the kids would make fun of her for not having a pa to go with if she showed up by herself, and yet picnics were always her favorite activity. They still were, if she was honest with herself. She loved the picnics that she and her ma and pa and Brian, Matthew, Katie, and Andrew had together as a family every Sunday, rain or shine. Back then though, she had dreaded that Sunday, knowing that without a pa this afternoon of fun would be nothing but tears and bad memories for her. When she had exited the church and made her way to the site where the class picnic was to be, she had felt dread clenching in her stomach. As she reached the site she glanced back at her mother and older brother and hoped that they would come rescue her from the awkward situation, but Charlotte merely smiled a small, sad smile and urged her with a wave of her hand toward her classmates. At the time Colleen had been angry with her mother for her nonchalance with regard to Colleen's pending humiliation, but looking back on it, Colleen had to thank her mother for knowing just the right thing to do and doing it.

As Colleen had reached, she was surprised to see Sully standing there waiting for her beside an empty picnic blanket and a basket filled to the brim with homemade food. He had embraced her without a word and motioned for her to sit on the picnic blanket beside him. She had understood from his actions that although he wasn't her pa, he was the closest thing she had to one, a friend whom she could count on and who would always be there for her, even if she never called him a father. Instinctively she had leaned over and rested her head on his shoulder, snuggling close and enjoying the warmth and security that he provided. In return he had wrapped his arm around her and pulled her closer, kissing the top of her head and smiling down at her. Though she was not one to say 'I love you' easily, mostly because of how many times she said it to her father already in her young life without any reply. She looked up at Sully from where her head lay and whispered just this once in the spirit of the day and the sentiment, "I love you, Pa."

Without hesitation he had looked into her eyes and said, "I love you too, Sweet Girl."

Colleen now smiled every time she heard Sully call Katie that. The name to her represented the first time the man she now considered to be the only father she wanted to remember had considered her a daughter and offered her fatherly love and protection. Though she hadn't called him pa anytime after that until after Katie was born, she had known that if she had needed him, she could always count on him. Perhaps, she thought with a chuckle, that's why she had had such a serious crush on him to the year she turned thirteen. Most girls had some sort of a crush on their father when they were very small and because he had not become a constant presence in her life until after her ma had moved to town, she reasoned that the crush made up for lost time.

She didn't, however, know what to do about her relationship with her father now. He had abandoned her mother, Matthew, Brian, Katie, and even herself and Andrew, for she still considered it abandonment even though neither she nor Matthew lived at the homestead any longer. After her graduation and Grandma Quinn's death, she and Andrew had considered setting up a clinic in Boston with the money that her grandmother had left them, but had decided that they would both much rather return to Colorado Springs and use the money for their clinic to add to the hospital that her ma was already building, because they both knew they had guaranteed jobs when it opened. Colleen had wanted to be closer to her parents, brothers, and sister, and Andrew had understood that.

Sully had offered to build them a homestead when they returned, an offer they graciously accepted, and during that time she had gotten to know her father in a different light. She had seen him as an architect and builder, and his skills impressed and awed her. He had built Colleen and Andrew a home of their dreams: a mix of Boston, classical style, and western modernism. It had been a second tribute to the love he had for his family, he had said, reminding Colleen that he had built the house that he and her ma lived in as a tribute to how much he had loved her ma and his children when he had married her mother, all those years ago. He had also said that his love had only expanded during those years and that he wanted the house to remind her and Andrew of how much he loved them as well. Of course Sully had not used these words exactly, for he was a man who had some difficulty expressing his love for his children, but the meaning was clear to Colleen's heart.

Now though, she didn't know what to think. Had he lied? Was he just trying to do what he thought people wanted him to do? Had she never been his daughter, his sweet girl? She didn't know how to trust him again and yet, he was her father, her pa and when she was younger, she had secretly thought of him in her heart as her papa. She had always wanted to tell him just how much she loved him, but now her heart hurt too much. Somewhere in her mind though, she knew that she would forgive him if he reached out to her at just the right moment and was able to prove that he wouldn't abandon her. After all, she was a doctor and her mother's daughter, and proof was the one thing she knew she could believe in.

As she sat there slowly drawn from the memory by the quickly approaching dawn, she couldn't help but feel a sense of foreboding. True, she angy with her father, but something about the way he said the phrase she had heard frightened her, it was as though something very precious has shattered n so many pieces that it would be impossible to put it back together and she could only hope that the precious item wasn't her family.


This is my first fan fiction and I would appreciate any and all feedback, so please feel free to review the chapter and any subsequent chapters if you think they are of interest either here or be orginal and comment on the "Stand By Me" thread of the fanfiction section of the Dr. Quinn, Medicine Woman forum The link to the thread is: http/forum.drquinn.us/viewtopic.php?t3949

Thanks, Corinna