Chapter 38
Michaela's heart pounded uncomfortably in her chest as Sully held her against his own chest for the short walk to the park, it was now mid March and the snow in Boston was beginning to thaw, but it was still bitterly cold and the tension of the moment made it so that she felt the coldness of the fear of being emotionally hurt and of trapping Sully in her life pervading her heart along with the freezing snow that stiffened her sore muscles even under layers of clothing. Though she had agreed to let Sully carry her initially, she had later remembered the wheelchair that her father had kept in the attic for emergencies and that no one had bothered to rid the house of after his death, and had mentioned it to Sully when he'd returned from checking on the now silent Katie who, in what said was her last words to him, had informed her father that she was not speaking to either one of her parents.
Sully response to Michaela's demand of the wheelchair was to suggest that they needed to bring a blanket to cover her legs from the cold. Frustrated by his lack of attention to the wheelchair issue, Michaela merely nodded her head in disinterested agreement to the blanket while continuing to press him about the wheelchair to no avail.
Finally satisfied that they were ready to venture out, Sully had looked up at Michaela with a twinkle in his eye and said, "Ready to get that wheelchair?" Michaela had smirked knowing that Sully had heard everything she had said and that he'd chosen to ignore her, but the smirk was not an angry one as she was beginning to enjoy Sully's antics again; he had always been able to make her laugh, even when she wasn't sure she wanted to.
Her smile, however, had turned to a frown as Sully had carried her down the stairs and placed her in the wheelchair that he'd retrieved from the attic the night before in hopes that she would agree to the walk. He had been planning to take her for a stroll since that first morning after the accident when he'd gone into say good morning and found her looking decidedly cross with herself. When he had tried to push the chair however, the blanket had gotten caught in the wheels and the strength of their pull nearly pulled Michaela to the floor along with the covering. Seeing this, Sully had had no choice but to turn his head away as a wide, but shy grin spread across his face, he seen wheelchairs in the orphanage where he'd been place after his mother's death and had known that blankets often got caught in them. He also had known that because Michaela needed a blanket to protect her sore knee from the elements, he would have to carry her, bur he had understood that order for Michaela not to think that he was pushing her into an uncomfortable situation, she would have to understand the difficulty with wheelchairs and taking a stroll for herself.
After several tries at pushing the cumbersome chair with the blanket on her lap under her own power, she had turned to Sully with a slightly agitated look on her face and said, "You knew this wouldn't work didn't you?"
Sully brow had creased with worry at the amount of anger on Michaela's face and for a moment he regretted his joking attempt to prove that he had to carry her. What did it matter who was right and who was wrong? Why hadn't he just told her about the blanket problem, or better still why hadn't he just told her that he wanted to carry her? Coming around the front of the chair and kneeling before her, he had admitted softly, "Yeah I did, but I thought you'd want to see the problem for yourself, so you'd know I wasn't takin' advantage of ya and wouldn't feel like ya had to pull away from me again."
"Thank you Sully", she had said gently. "I appreciate the way you wanted to prove to me that you weren't trying to cross some sort of line and letting me learn the lesson on my own, she had said smiling. "… Much like the time you let me fall off the horse at the homestead so I would learn to get on and off on my own" Then turning serious again she paused before hesistantly adding, "But Sully…"
"Yeah?" he had anticipated, wondering how this lighthearted attempt at a joke had prompted his wife to say so much about so many things in so few words.
We're marri…older and wiser now and if you know that there's something I should know, just tell me, communicate with me please, ", she had said pleadingly, unaware of how much she was revealing about the secrets she hid or what she truly wanted."
"Ok", he had said lovingly, "But you gotta promise to tell me things too Michaela, we haveta start talkin' again, and this time we gotta be sure to say what we feel when we feel it. I know I hurt ya, but you gotta believe me, I never meant to stay away that long. Like Katie said for me, my heart was confused and I was afraid of facing the reality that you didn't love me so I stayed away believin' that as long as I was gone, we'd still be married ", he had said solemnly and contritely.
"Oh Sully", she had said choking up with tears. "I'm scared".
"I know ya are", he had said softly " I am too, I gotta a lot of things to explain and make up for…"
She had spoken hesitantly , "As do I.. perhaps too much."
Sully had swallowed the lump of fear that had instantly materialized in his throat at her words and urged, "Let's just take it one step at a time."
Michaela had nodded, too afraid that her voice would betray her uncertainty.
Seeing her need for reassurance, he had smiled and patted her hand as it picked nervously at her skirt, "Good, now that that's decided, I think I know where to start."
"Where?", Michaela asked, smiling shyly.
By me takin' the lady I'm courting out for a stroll in my arms, Sully said with a soft smile that had shown Michaela just how much he still loved her. That is if she still wants ta go?"
Michaela had given him a blushing smile and nodded, Taking her cue, Sully had scooped her up gently and held her close to his chest, bending so that she could reach the blanket that still remained on the floor from her last attempt at using the wheelchair, then straightening up and carrying her out the door.
Now as she lay nestled in Sully's arms just a few blocks from the park, thinking about all they had said, she felt overwhelmed by his closeness, her husband had opened her heart again with his gentle assurances that all would fall into place again, but her recollections had increased her nervousness for her heart now felt like it wanted to trust the love which cradled her while her head urged caution and a warrior like reserve. She didn't know how to feel and the uncertainty was getting to be too much. Fearing she would suffer yet another panic attacks, she forcibly tried to calm herself while trying to hide her discomfort from Sully.
Sully felt her body tensing fearfully against him though and knew he had to keep her mind off of the unresolved issues between them for a while. Smiling and trying to put that smile into his voice, he said, "Colleen's done a great job at the clinic for ya, She's a real talented doctor and a real caring one too, just like her ma" Sully felt Michaela's body tense to a breaking point and then relax completely and he released a large breath that he hadn't realized he was holding.
Michaela had hung on to her composure and she thanked God for not letting her break down in front of Sully over how much she missed their older children. As they entered the park and neared the bench that she supposed they would sit on, she tried to keep up Sully's touch and words from making her dissolve into loving and regretful tears and she carefully spoke. "I miss her so much, I know she's not a little girl anymore, but I want to hold her and tell how sorry I am…I feel so awful… I…"Her carefully constructed damn of emotions broke and she burst into tears, trying to fight her bodies urge to cuddle against Sully in her pain, knowing it wasn't fair him if he felt compelled to stay because she was saddened.
Seeing her tears, but feeling her attempts to distance herself from him, he sought to make her both comfortable and more able to talk to him by placing her on the bench that they now stood in front of. Gently, he set her down and sat beside her, turning to look in her eyes as he spoke, "She's angry at us both Michaela, she won't even speak to me, but I did catch her lookin' at the family photos in the clinic when I went by that week after you left. She misses her ma."
Michaela smiled bitter sweetly," Thank you Sully"
"Ain't said nothing but the truth.", he rejoined tenderly, reaching out to touch her hand and lace her fingers with hers. He knew it was a risk, but the moment felt right and he took the chance. Holding his breath for a moment, he waited for her to pull back, but when she instead squeezed his hand tighter and raised her eyes and kept his gaze, he felt like floating.
Michaela saw his expression and lightly laughed before, asking seriously, "Sully, how were the boys after I left?"
Sully's expression saddened as he related that Matthew and Brian seemed be taking the divorce hardest of all their children. He reported to Michaela that Matthew had avoided him even to the point of going inside when Sully was in town and that Brian had been virtually silent until the night before Sully left when he approached his father to say the missed his ma and a tear had trickled down his check before he climbed the stairs to his room again.
Michaela shivered at the word divorce and her heart broke for her sons, she hadn't done the right thing in leaving Colorado Springs or her children. Even though they were adults, it certainly looked as though they needed their mother and if she was honest with herself, her heart hadn't been the same since she had left them either. Tears that had stopped moments before now began anew.
Sully squeezed the hand still clasped in his own for support, before gently whispering, " Saw ya shiver, we best get ya home."
"No, Sully I'm fine, really…" Michaela whispered, still lightly crying.
Sully just shook his head and said, "We'll get through this Michaela, I promise."
Sensing that he was about to lift her into his arms Michaela tensed a bit, her head willing her heart to keep from shouting," I love you" at the its lungs.
But Sully wasn't thinking about picking Michaela up just yet, instead he was trying calm his racing heart as he called for her attention, "Michaela…"
Startled at the intensity of his voice, she looked into his nervous eyes and questioned," Yes?"
"I. …would you..." he stuttered.
Terrified that he would propose, she could barely squeak out, "Go on…"
Like to have dinner next week?", he managed, his voice strained with intense fear.
Michaela was so relieved that she immediately laughed and continued giggling nervously for several moments until she realized that Sully was staring dejectedly back at her, thinking that that she was laughing at his proposal of sorts. Quickly sobering, she smiled and squeezed the now sweaty hand that had never pulled out of her own, "I'd like that very much."
It took Sully a moment to register her words, but as their meaning reached his heart, his face broke into a wide grin and he lifted Michaela in his arms and twirled with her once before carrying her out of the park, their joint laughter in his ears.
This is my first fan fiction and I would appreciate any and all feedback, so please feel free to review the chapter and any subsequent chapters if you think they are of interest either here or be orginal and comment on the "Stand By Me" thread of the fanfiction section of the Dr. Quinn, Medicine Woman forum The link to the thread is: http/forum.drquinn.us/viewtopic.php?t3949
Thanks, Corinna
