Chapter 40
Sully raced after Michaela as she ran down several streets of Boston. The street lamps didn't provide much light this late at night during the winter months and Sully was thankful for his years scouring the woods as he tried to follow his distraught ex-wife. As Sully continued down the never-ending streets, he pondered what he could have done to make her react so viscerally to his kiss. Could she have regretted saying she loved him? Was she unprepared for the kiss? Had it been too deep and intrusive? He shook his head, none of those explanations seemed to fit with the hesitant but deep love he had felt radiating from Michaela on the dance floor.
Catching up to her at last, he slowed his pace a little and decided that he would wait a moment before calling to her, so as not to startle her further. He could see, as he looked quickly over at her, face that she had been crying and that she looked as if she were going to be sick. Worried, he gently called for her attention, "Michaela?" She slowly turned to him, looking into his eyes with her wide and fearful ones, trying to find the strength to swallow her fear and either tell him why she had run or calm herself enough to brush it off and pretend that nothing had happened. She knew though that Sully had a right to know why she had ended their close moment so abruptly seconds after she had told him she loved him and he had kissed her. Knowing him as she once felt she had, and knowing their present tentative relationship, she was almost certain that he would be thinking that she didn't appreciate his advances and she had to make sure that he knew that that wasn't the case at all. She had wanted him to kiss her, despite her fear that if she allowed him into her heart again, she was most certainly going to get hurt. There was still a piece of her that held onto the hope that she could trust him, and that part of herself wanted his lips on hers and her heart connected to his for all eternity.
But the moment his lips had touched her expectant ones, the memory of the last kiss she had endured had flooded her mind, and the feel of Mr. Gregory's lips crushing hers and his rough hands along her body had snaked from her memory, overpowering Sully's gentle and loving embrace. She hadn't been able to help her reaction as her body began to fight against the moment and the pain that she had never shared with her husband. She would have to tell him what had happened, and she wanted to do it quickly before she lost her nerve and the evening dissolved into a silent standoff between them, or, even worse, a round of nervous fighting. As she opened her mouth to speak though, all she could manage to whisper was, "Hold me," words that surprised both she and Sully with the depth of their honest need and vulnerability. As he pulled her against his chest, she took a deep breath intending to begin her tale, but as she formed the first few words, she felt her stomach lurch, the nausea from earlier returning with surprising force. Without being able to stop herself, she became sick, the vomit covering her dress and Sully's shirt.
Sully took a step back, his eyes wide in surprise and concern. For a moment, he was too stunned to speak, and then he became unsure of what exactly to say. Michaela's expression mirrored his own, but was laced with a deep shame, characteristic of Michaela's tendency to be hard on herself, intertwined with the mysterious self-hatred that had been her companion since his return. It was perhaps this reaction that prompted him to pull her against him despite the mess. He thought she needed it and was proven right when he heard a plaintive and emotionally distraught, "Sully" escape her lips. He held her that much tighter when the pain in her cry registered in his heart. It had been so long since she had willingly sought out his comfort, without coercion or the effects of mental instability. He was momentarily tempted to embrace her forever, but his need to protect her and make her comfortable overpowered his desires for a close moment. He stepped back just enough to look in her eyes as he said, "I'm here and I'm not leaving, but let's get ya cleaned up and warm."
Michaela stepped slightly away from him and gasped, realizing that her need to be held had caused there to now be vomit in her hair as well. She knew Sully was right, they had to get cleaned up, but she had no idea where they could go. They couldn't go back to Rebecca's, the family would ask too many questions; queries she didn't have the strength to answer. She looked to her husband for a way out of the awkward situation, despite knowing that by continuing the evening, she would have to tell him what had caused her reaction and illness, something she wasn't sure she had the words for. She, however, nodded in consent to his statement and whispered, "Where can we go?"
Sully pondered this for a moment. He didn't honestly know where they should go. He wasn't familiar with any of the establishments in the area besides the restaurant, and he knew that they couldn't return there in their present condition. Slowly it dawned on him that the best place for them to go would be a hotel, but he cringed as he thought about mentioning the idea to Michaela. Michaela noticed his expression and gently pressed him, "What is it Sully?" Sully's chest tightened into a knot tighter than the one it had been in when he'd asked her to marry him, as he stated in a voice that belied some of his fear," I think we should go to a hotel..." hastily he continued so that she wouldn't get the wrong idea. "... Only because they have a bath for ya and…"
Sully was stopped mid explanation by a hesitant nod from Michaela who understood her husband's nervousness and wanted to spare him the pain of defending an uncomfortable, but practical idea. Quietly, she told him, "There's a rather new hotel, two blocks away, although I don't know how much money we have."
"Don't worry about the money", Sully said gently. "I withdrew all the money I had saved away for our anniversary and your birthday before I took the train here. I figured since we didn't get to use it then..." He stopped when he saw a flash of pain cross her face, a discussion of what had truly happened between them would have to wait, he could tell something was already hurting her and he wanted to help her heal, not cause her anymore pain.
Michaela swallowed hard and nodded her head once more before silently pointing in the direction of the hotel. As they walked, the pair kept a small distance between them with Michaela leading the way. Every so often, Michaela would glance at him in concern as if to make sure he hadn't left her. Seeing the worry in her eyes, he would match stride with her for a time, reassuring her of his presence. When they reached the hotel, Sully held the door open for Michaela and then held his arm out for her, knowing that, in their present state, Michaela would be embarrassed to be seen and he wanted her to know that she wasn't alone.
Michaela hesitantly took Sully's arm as she tried to avoid the stares of two disapproving hotel guests. She was embarrassed enough at her appearance, she didn't need the quizzical looks that impolitely inquired as to the state of her and Sully's relationship as well. A small part of her was also relishing his touch and the feeling of calm it gave her. She would need to remember that feeling if she was ever going to be able to go to her room, get cleaned up and then go home and talk to Sully about what had happened. For now, though, she would at least have her own hotel room to prepare herself in. There she could figure out how to explain whom Mr. Gregory was and what he had done in a way that would hopefully not make Sully angry with her.
The pair approached the front desk and watched as the desk clerk looked at them and sighed disgustedly. He was barely polite as he looked them up and down and inquired, "Can I help you?" "Yes please," Michaela responded, the confidence and fire of old in her voice, as she perceived the young man's opinion of them. "We'll need two rooms." The young clerk was startled and a little frightened by the strength in the disheveled woman's voice and was made even more uncomfortable by the piecing blue gaze of the man who gently and protectively held the woman's arm. They looked to be a formidable couple and the young man feared upsetting them as he said in much more respectful tone. "I'm sorry ma'am, but we only have one vacancy." Michaela's face paled momentarily, but she forced herself to recover as she turned to look Sully in the eye. She knew that he would never do anything improper, but she wanted to ask his permission before putting him in what could be a very emotionally painful situation. They hadn't shared space in the same room since the night the twins were born and she wasn't comfortable with the thought of it now, even if they had admitted their love for one another. Sully felt his heart in his throat as he met his ex wife's gaze. He wasn't quite prepared to spend the night in a room alone with her. He knew he loved her, but they still had a long way to go if they were to be the couple they once were. He however gave his assent knowing that they should clean up and that they had to talk.
Turning back to the clerk, Michaela tried to muster the sense of control that she had possessed moments ago, but it was gone and in its place was a sense of apprehension that seemed to cut off the air supply to her lungs. When she could finally breathe again, her voice came out in a squeak, "We'll take it." The clerk watched, as the man gazed at the woman whom he had thought was the older man's wife and pondered their relationship. The young man hadn't expected the woman to be so frightened at the idea of the hotel having one room; he had thought that the couple was attempting to reserve the second room for a friend. Trying to keep his questions out of his tone, he accepted the money that the older man was holding out and replied, "Very well, room 520, up the stairs and to your left."
Sully took Michaela's hand and tentatively interlaced his fingers with hers in an attempt to boost both of their confidence as they ascended the stairs. Tonight had been a difficult night for them both and, though he knew that they needed to change their clothes, he worried that having to share a room together would only serve to make Michaela more uncomfortable and perhaps even ill again. By the time they reached the room, Michaela knew that her palm was sweating profusely against her husbands and her cheeks reddened even further in embarrassment. When she had thrown up, her face has been covered in a blush that she feared would never end, but, at the thought of spending a night in a hotel room with her husband, her cheeks felt as though they would burn her soul with their heat. As Sully put the key in the lock and turned it, she contemplated her choices, she could merely ask to clean her clothes and leave or she could stay and face Sully's questions about what had happened, at the restaurant, in their marriage ...with Charles Gregory.
When Sully stepped into the room, he turned and held the door ajar for Michaela, who seemed to be deciding whether to enter at all. Slowly, he reached once again for the hand he had had to drop when opening the door, and when she didn't pull away, he sighed with relief and guided her towards him and into their lodgings. As she moved to stand in front of him, she made sure there was a respectable distance between them, ever conscious of their situation and their strained but tentatively healing bond. Then, taking a deep breath she said quietly, "I don't have anything to change into."
Sully looked into his ex-wife's worried and scared eyes with a wide eyed expression that told her he had not thought of the reality that they had no change of clothes and that he had no idea how to rectify the situation either. Sensing that she expected some sort of response from him however, he gently squeezed her hand and said, "I'll go get ya a dress if you tell me where I can find one this late..."
"Thank you very much Sully, it was kind of you to offer, but the hour is too late for any shops to be open and…." Her eyes filled with embarrassed tears and she stopped speaking, overwhelmed by what had happened and the feelings that had surrounded each aspect of the night.
"And what Michaela? Please talk to me," Sully pleaded, his voice breaking through her emotional wall.
"And, I'm scared," Michaela whispered through her tears, arms crossed in front of her waist as if someone was trying to hurt her.
"Scared of what... me?" Sully prodded gently, afraid of the answer, but knowing that he needed to know what had had Michaela in its terrifying grip since he had first encountered her in the woods before the twins birth, even if that something was himself.
"No... no…not really...you only scare me because you could decide to leave again if I tell you this," Michaela whispered, her vulnerability cracking her voice.
"Michaela I told you I would never leave you again for anything," he reminded her gently. He didn't care if he had to remind her of that every hour of every day for the rest of her life. If that was his punishment for what he had done, he felt he had gotten off easy.
Michaela spoke as if she hadn't heard him though, "I didn't know if he was right, but after awhile I became so despondent that it seemed as logical a reason as any for you leaving." Her voice was strong, but inside she quaked with the fear that Sully wouldn't understand and that she didn't have the strength to make him.
"My leaving was dumbest thing I've ever done and there was no reason for it. Whatever this man said to ya Michaela, he was wrong. Please know that... and tell me his name so that I can tell him that too, please…" Sully knew he was begging but something in his wife's tone told him that something was wrong and that the man hadn't merely made a casual remark...His heart began to pound as he observed the anguish on Michaela's face deepen, and he had to literally clasp his hands together to keep himself from pulling her into his arms
Michaela caught the look in her husband's eyes and tried to steady herself before telling him what had happened, knowing that she would need strength to face both her husband's anger and her own self loathing. "Charles Gregory, the owner of the new bank in town, started trying to court me about three months after you left...I didn't want his attention. I was in love with you... heartbroken that you had left...pregnant with your children... all I wanted was you, but he wouldn't take no for an answer. He started asking me to dinner and even after I told him that his invitations weren't welcome, he would ask Colleen, Matthew or Dorothy to persuade me to allow him an evening of my company..." Michaela was talking so quickly and in a voice so thick with unshed tears that the last words had come out as a strangled whisper. Sully's heart had pounded ever harder throughout the progression if her account and he feared what she would tell him next, but he knew that she needed to tell him to heal. Sully could also see however that Michaela was going to hyperventilate again from the stress if he didn't coach her to take it more slowly. Knowing that touching her at that moment might frighten her, he looked into her eyes and gently reminded her, "deep breath, Michaela, I'm right here." Michaela did as she was asked, but found that inhaling only made things worse. Holding her breath had allowed her to keep from crying and now she was sobbing so hard that she couldn't talk.
Sully desperately wanted to hold her as he realized that telling her to relax had made her cry, but his shirt was still soiled with her vomit and he didn't want to get it in her hair anymore than they already had. He had briefly thought about taking off his shirt and holding her against his chest, but something told him that close contact of that sort was not going to help her feel any more safe from her memories, and so he merely locked eyes with her as she cried, hoping his expression conveyed his love for her as well as any hold would.
Michaela looked into her husband's eyes as tears made never ending tracks down her face and saw that her misery was reflected in the eyes of her soul mate. He was begging her to tell him what was hurting her and she realized then that telling him would help him heal too, help him to understand why some of the things in her world were shattered, why she had felt the need to shatter his and why they both now needed each other to get through it all.
After a moment more, she regained enough control to continue, "The day the twins were born, he approached me one last time and asked me for dinner," she choked back a sob as she added, "He was the man you thought fathered the twins. When I refused his advances and shrugged off his touch yet again, telling him I loved you and only you, he told me you left because I wanted to be intimate too often and that I was a whore."
"Oh God, Michaela," Sully breathed heavily and painfully as she sobbed harder.
"Usually I don't let words get to me Sully, but that time I couldn't fight it any longer. I kept thinking that maybe he had had seen something I hadn't. Maybe I hadn't been the wife I should have been, that you left because I was..."
"No, Michaela no," Sully stated emphatically. Your being with me was always more than I could ever hope for. You are...were the best wife, lover, and heartsong any man could ever ask for, especially this man. ..."
Michaela interrupted him with her own train of thought and spoke as though he hadn't said a word. "That was why I behaved so irrationally at the homestead the night after the twins were born. I just couldn't bear you thinking I was improper and I wanted you to admit that you didn't love me because of my behavior. I wanted to find a reason, Sully, and his seemed to fit with how truly terrible I believed I was. Michaela tried her best to explain what had once seemed to be rational thinking to her husband, but, as more tears flowed down her checks, she realized that nothing about this seemed rational anymore. All she wanted was for this to go away and to be able to avoid, having to tell Sully the last piece of the story, but steeling herself for his reaction, she forged ahead, hoping he wouldn't interrupt her with his reassurances because she knew that they would only make matters worse. Right now, she just had to tell him.
So taking a deep breath, Michaela began once more, "Do you remember the afternoon you came running into the clinic after Katie told Mathew and Loren that I was hurt? You see," she said, not waiting for him to answer her question, "Katie, myself, and the twins were stopped by Mr. Gregory while we were getting out of the wagon. He told Katie she didn't know who her father was and then told me that..." She began sobbing in earnest again as she continued, "He told me he would show me what a real man felt like. Then he made me leave the twins and Katie outside while he pulled me into the clinic, pushed me up against the wall and kissed me." Michaela was barely intelligible now, as she then recounted the most intimate and horrible details of the encounter. "He grabbed my breasts and pushed himself against me, trying to hurt me while, at the same time... trying to rape me."
Sully's heart lurched then smashed painfully against his ribs as he tried to absorb what his ex-wife was telling him. A man had tried to rape her and, worse than that, Sully had not been around to protect her from the man's attentions or attack. Even more heinous was the fact that Sully knew that he had been in town the day his ex-wife was attacked, but that he had purposely avoided being with her because he hadn't been able to figure out a way to make her forgive him. He had been a coward, and had even added to his wife's pain by insinuating that the man who would be his wife's attempted rapist was the father of the twins. He had further worn down the psyche that Gregory had tried to weaken and made it easier for the banker to try to rape his wife in more ways than one. He did not know what to say now; nothing seemed to be an adequate antidote for Michaela's wounds. Nothing seemed to sound loving or respectful enough to grace the discourse they needed to have. He again thought about holding her, but just as before, the thought terrified him, not because he was uncomfortable with being close to her, but because he did not want to be anymore than she wanted right now. He wanted to give her everything and if giving her everything meant giving her nothing, he would abide by that, no matter how much he felt the need to use other means by which to confront her. He did, however, despite his attention to be attentive to her desires, need to say something, just a few words to express the agony that he felt at her revelation and the utter helplessness that was consuming him as he contemplated her words over and over in his head. The only thing that came to mind, however, seemed trite and far too simplistic for the situation, but he felt compelled to utter it anyway, as though these words would somehow bring a confront beyond their meaning alone. Taking a deep breath, he whispered lovingly, "Oh. 'Chaela."
For a moment, her eyes merely bored into his as she registered and processed the emotions behind his utterance. Then, she slowly reached out a shaking hand across the distance between them and grasped his hand tightly with her own. Not a word was said between them as each sat across from one another, holding hands. After awhile, she began sobbing and he squeezed her hand tighter. Neither moved nor spoke throughout the night.
This is my first fan fiction and I would appreciate any and all feedback, so please feel free to review the chapter and any subsequent chapters if you think they are of interest either here or be orginal and comment on the "Stand By Me" thread of the fanfiction section of the Dr. Quinn, Medicine Woman forum The link to the thread is: http/forum.drquinn.us/viewtopic.php?t3949
Thanks also to those who supported and contacted me about SBM:) It will continue!
Thanks, Corinna
