Title: Hikaru's Counter-Emo Master Plan (Chapter 4/7)
Author: Jengou
Fandom: Ouran High School Host Club
Genre: Emotastic!Crack (Humour)
Pairing: Kaoru/Hikaru (implied Mori/Honey and Tamaki/Kyouya)
Spoilers: This fic takes place at the end of episode 21, the afternoon after the Halloween class event.
Description: Cause: Kaoru is acting emo. Effect: Hikaru becomes a manwhore.
Disclaimers: Ouran High School Host Club is created by Bisco Hatori.
Acknowledgements: Super galactic THANKS to elict for betaing this! She is the coolest and most encouraging beta in the world :)

Chapter 4: Where Hikaru is Supremely Underwhelmed by Kaoru

It was like any other serene and sparkly afternoon on the grounds of Ouran High School. The sun was shining, the birds where chirping, and everyone in the host club were enjoying a spot of tea in the Third Music Room before business commenced for the day.

Everyone except for Kaoru, that is. Today marked the Second Day of Hikaru's Silent Treatment, and if you're Kaoru, now was no time for tea enjoyment. He had intentionally made black commoner coffee with lukewarm water so the coffee crystals wouldn't dissolve properly, and took huge gulps of it as some kind of self-punishment.

"I'm the more mature twin," Kaoru told himself, moodily stirring his drink. "I should be the bigger person and take it upon myself to make peace with Hikaru. I'm sure Hikaru is suffering a lot without my company." Kaoru took a masochistic sip of his disgusting coffee and grimaced. "Hikaru, I'm suffering with you!" He thought he could feel a tear welling up.

A tiny chink could be heard as Kyouya finished his tea, which was apparently some kind of signal as everyone else suddenly gulped down their drink and rushed to get changed. Hikaru was about to go fetch his name tag (an idea he suggested to Kyouya to wind Kaoru up just that little bit more) when he felt a tap on his shoulder.

"Hikaru. Could I... Could I borrow you for a moment, please?" Kaoru's voice hitched slightly, and Hikaru thought he could spot a repentant tear in Kaoru's left eye.

"Of course." Hikaru replied. The 5-year-old in him cried a little at making his twin so sad, but the other 5-year-old in him squealed at the anticipated success of his counter-emo plot. He followed Kaoru's lead to the far side of the Third Music Room to stand in front of a window facing the school's courtyard.

They didn't say anything for a while. Kaoru avoided Hikaru's gaze, opting instead to stare out the window in an I'm-so-very-hurt manner.

"Hikaru..." Kaoru said, breaking the emo-ladened silence.

"Yes?" Hikaru nearly preened.

"I..." Kaoru drew a deep courage-giving breath. "I feel miserable. We've drifted so very far apart in the last two days. I'd like to make peace." At Hikaru's nod, Kaoru went on. "We can be manwhores together, if that's what you want."

"I know you have certain... urges. You are criminally good-looking, and we're only young once I suppose. It's ok. I won't shun you. As if I could!" Kaoru blew his nose. "I'll sacrifice my dignity to become a manwhore with you, so you needn't feel lonely! I even forgive you for ruining my best metaphor."

"YOU- what? What metaphor? I mean," Hikaru couldn't resist rolling his eyes a bit. "...which one?"

"In order to live forever without getting hurt in the world with only the two of us, we gave it a very, very solid lock." Kaoru's voice rasped. "You locked me out the other day. But I forgive you. I do!"

"..." Hikaru didn't say anything, but his silence sounded supremely underwhelmed by Kaoru's supposedly peace-making opening statements. In fact, it opened the recycling bin of Hikaru's carefully discarded thoughts for the last few months.

"Look, can you stop lobbing your guilt-trippy emo-balls at me, please? You know I friggin' love you, but you're letting puberty eat your brain."

"Hikaru! Why do you keep hurting me!"

"Hey, who's hurting who, here!"

"I'm trying to make peace! That's more than what you're doing."

"Yeah, but who started this in the first place?"

"...uh, look, a flying train." Kaoru's pupils dilated.

"Oh, weaseling out of this conversation by changing the topic, huh?" Hikaru sneered.

"No, I mean INCOMING TRAIN!"

A split second later, a train derailed into the Third Music Room.

The Third Music Room, reduced to rubble of the wall-debris and train-chunks variety! Because this is a PG fic, the train was pretty much empty and as such there were no bloody corpses strewn about.

"OH MY GOD, Hikaru and Kaoru just got HIT BY A TRAIN!" screeched a predictably mortified Tamaki.

Kyouya tilted his glasses and twitched one eyebrow involuntarily. One interpretation is 'OH MY GOD, the train broke all the china! AND TWO OUT OF FOUR WALLS. Overhead costs, skyrocketing!'. If you have another interpretation, please do mail me and let me know of it.

"Hika-chan, Kao-chan! Where are you? Are you alright? Say something!" Honey voice rang out like a panicked squirrel, whereupon he proceeded to look like one by gnawing on Usa-chan's ear

"Wait.. what was a train doing derailing into the Third Music Room!" Haruhi exclaimed. "We're on the third floor! This doesn't make sense! Why does no one question-" The crashing sound of Mori pushing away rubble in search of the twins strategically drowned out Haruhi's crazy talk.

Twin groans could be heard under the biggest pile of train chunk Mori just removed, and soon hands and red hair appeared crawling out. "We're fine, Honey-sempai" the twins said, testing their limbs to make sure nothing was broken.

"Yokatta!" exclaimed the host club members in unison. Kyouya's voice was notably absent, but he rarely joins in on such harmonised exclamations, so readers need not think he's a bad person for his perceived lack of worry for the twins' safety. Please imagine the last sentence said in convincing language and tone.

"Ah, one of you have a cut across your eyebrow! It's a shallow cut, but it's bleeding a bit. Let me go fetch some bandage." said the ever-practical Haruhi.

"Oh yeah, I'm bleeding."

"Oh yeah, you're bleeding."

"Uh...yes."

"Hm."

An awkward silence hung in the air as everyone sensed that Something Was Very Wrong.

"... So... who's bleeding? Hikaru or Kaoru?"

A pregnant pause.

"You're Hikaru right?" both twins said simultaneously.

Silence reigned briefly in the Third Music Room before giving in to twin screams of violent distress. The camera panned to the ceiling (in the direction of the sound waves from the screams? To convey to the reader the location of a light source? Who knows.)

Author's Notes: Eeks, I'm so sorry this fic chapter is so full of stupid! I'm not happy with it, but hope you got a couple of laughs from it anyway. And, a cookie for whoever can guess which anime the latter part of this chapter's style is trying to imitate

Next! Chapter 5: Where We Find Out Who The Culprit Was