Title: Hikaru's Counter-Emo Master Plan (Chapter 5/7)
Author: Jengou
Fandom: Ouran High School Host Club
Genre: Emotastic!Crack (Humour)
Pairing: Kaoru/Hikaru (implied Mori/Honey and Tamaki/Kyouya)
Spoilers: This fic takes place at the end of episode 21, the afternoon after the Halloween class event.
Description: Cause: Kaoru is acting emo. Effect: Hikaru becomes a manwhore.
Disclaimers: Ouran High School Host Club is created by Bisco Hatori.
Acknowledgements: Super galactic THANKS to elict for betaing this! She is the coolest and most encouraging beta in the world :)

Chapter 5: Where We Find Out Who The Culprit Was

It was Tamaki who recovered from the group-stupor first. "Haruhi! Come and tell them apart, quick!"

Haruhi exerted her super power in vain. "Sempai! How am I supposed to tell them apart when even they don't even know who's who themselves?"

"Ah, we can look for the scar! Kaoru has a scar on his cheek from a previous accident, right?" That was Tamaki's Brilliant Flash of Brain Activity # 1 for the day.

"Anou, Kyouya-sempai had Kaoru surgically remove it after we came back from Karuizawa."

"... Haruhi." Kyouya's voice like like a shuddering arrow piercing through infinite darkness. "Are you criticising my efforts to preserve the symmetrical beauty that is the Hitachiin Brothers' profitable unique selling point?"

Haruhi turned visibly blue with fear. "No, that wasn't what I meant, Kyouya-sempai!"

"Calm down! Let's be more rational here! We can check their DNA! Thumb prints!" Tamaki's Brilliant Flash of Brain Activity # 2.

"Sempai... The point of identical twins is that they are identical. They share the same genes and near identical thumb prints." The scholarly Haruhi pointed out.

Kyouya hung up from a phone call. "Unfortunately, their medical and dental records are identical too. Neither of them even have a cavity, so we can't tell them apart that way either."

"Hey, Hikaru's innately meaner, right? Why don't we give them hypothetical scenarios and ask them for their reaction? The meaner reply will be Hikaru's." Tamaki's Brilliant Flash of Brain Activity # 3 (limit reached, limit reached!).

"It's a good idea, but unfortunately, with them knowing that we are planning to do that will distort their natural responses, making it an unreliable method," Haruhi theorized.

"Ne, Hika-chan, Kao-chan, would you like cake? I have strawberry, and chocolate too!" Honey offered generously in such desperate circumstances.

Tamaki looked like he was about to blow a fuse with 'THIS IS NO TIME FOR CAKES!' until both Haruhi and Mori pulled him aside and Haruhi gave him a 'please curb your stupid!' look. "Perhaps Honey had calculatively noted the twins' preferences in cake!" Haruhi whispered darkly. Mori nodded.

The twins each grabbed a chocolate cake, stuffed their faces, and continued screaming.

Haruhi and Tamaki looked deflated, Mori was expressionless, and Kyouya looked like he wanted to reprimand someone for eating cakes outside of business hours (inappropriate use of business funds!).

"Honey-sempai, what were you trying to do!" Tamaki asked accusingly.

"...Give them cake? And maybe lend them Usa-chan?" Honey replied. "Did I do something wrong? Should I... have used a different plate?" Honey's eyes widened. Mori scooped Honey up to his shoulders and walked away.

"Ara, it's just a name right? Can't they just flip a coin?" an voice said.

"... Dad! Why are you here? How? When!" Haruhi looked like she was about to implode from the illogical turn of events.

"Ohohoho! I was on the train that crashed just now The train conductor was mighty cute!"

"Did you by any chance distract him while he was doing is job?" However futile, you had to give Haruhi some credit for her attempts to rationalize the insane events that occur in her proximity.

"Iyaaa, I can't help it if my feminine beauty is more than a little bit distracting ne" And a sexy pose.

The host club members sweatdropped. Haruhi had retracted to a corner a-la-Tamaki Style to worry about the genes she biologically had to have in common with her father.

"At any rate, can someone please stop their persistent screams of the apocalypse? My virgin eardrums may start bleeding any minute now."

Author's Note: I feel compelled to slap on a disclaimer after every chapter to apologize for the high amounts of stupid I inflict upon you all ;; I'm sorry. On another note, if anyone would like to take the premise of this fic (i.e. manwhore!wannabe!Hikaru) and write a spin-off, please feel free, I'd love to read it!

Next! Chapter 6: Where Someone More Stupid Than Everyone Thinks Appears