God Strikes Back

Two millennia after the dramatic happenings of the violent death of Jesus, the Devil was embroiled in a domestic dispute with his wife.

"FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK!" his wife shyly screamed in his face.

"Come on Pingy," Satan pleaded, "If we can't laugh at ourselves, who can we laugh at?"

"The chinese?" Pingy answered, slightly confused.

"No... no one." Satan said calmly. "We can't just laugh at and damn everyone who went to prom!"

"Why the fuck not?" Pingy asked crestfallenly.

"Because," Satan said calmly. "We must be fair."

"Why the fuck should we?" Pingy said. Satan could see her soul slowly dying.

"Because, my demon, if we aren't..." he paused at loss for words. "Fuck! I don't know! Stop asking!" Satan curled up in the fetal position and began to weep.

"You really need to stop doing that."

"Why?"

Pingy pulled out an abacus. "Every day for 2 millennia I tell you an average of 25.39 times that you need to act like the devil and every day you act like the devil an average of .1291 times."

Satan looked really confused.

Pingy rolled her eyes. "Meaning that you really need to act your age."

"My age?"

"Yes. You are slightly younger then God so you have been here for not quite a full eternity."

"And?"

Before Pingy could do bodily harm to Satan, Snowflake walked in.

"Moo." said Snowflake

"Alright Snowflake. What is the message?" Pingy asked her favorite minion.

"Moo." Snowflake said meekly before running away quickly.

"WHAT! WHAT THE HELL! WHAT THE FUCK! JESUS CHRIST? WHY? I KILLED HIM JUST 2 MILLENNIA AGO! HOW IS HE ALIVE? WHY WOULD GOD ALLOW IT? WE HAD AN UNDERSTANDING! HE FORGAVE US! HE CAME TO OUR WEDDING GOD DAMN IT!" Pingy said softly

"Darling?" Satan asked in a frightened way. "Sweetie? Would you care to tell me what in the name of horse shit you are raging about? Are you smoking pot?" he sniffed her clothing.

Pingy was silent for a moment then whispered. "Jesus is alive again."

"WHAT! WHAT THE HELL! WHAT THE FUCK! JESUS CHRIST? WHY? YOU KILLED HIM JUST 2 MILLENNIA AGO! HOW IS HE ALIVE? WHY WOULD GOD ALLOW IT? WE HAD AN UNDERSTANDING! HE FORGAVE US! HE CAME TO OUR WEDDING GOD DAMN IT!" Satan said slightly louder then Pingy had.

"My words exactly." Pingy said.

"I know, we did say much the same thing."

"No. They were actually my words exactly except you changed the pronoun 'I' to the pronoun 'You.'"

"Oh, sorry."

"Don't apologize."

"Oh, sorry."

Pingy sighed. There was an awkward silence.

"So... Jesus had been born again." Satan said, trying to kill the awkward moment.

"Yes. The trouble is, he suffered brain damage during rebirth."

"So, who has the responsibility of killing him this time?" Satan asked.

"Not me! I did it last time!" Pingy insisted.

"Not I!" Satan said. "After coming in contact with a religious man, I always feel that I must wash my hands."

"As do I."

"Well... if we follow the bible I would have the final say since I am the man in this family." He struck a manly pose.

Pingy elbowed him in the ribs. "a) The same people who wrote the Bible thought the world was flat. and b) what family? We aren't a family. We have no children."

"Really?" Satan said as though he knew something that Pingy did not. Then he started giggling.

"Are you trying to tell me that I am pregnant because if you are you suck at it."

"Yes. I am trying to tell you that."

"Excuse me." Pingy walked out of the room. In the distance Satan heard the terrified screams of some poor fool who Pingy had obviously just damned to an eternity of being alternately raped by obese men with STD's and forced to watch Hillary Duff movies. She walked back in the room.

"Feel better?"

"Not even close. I am going to castrate you for doing this to me."

Satan made a vague high pitched noise and clasped his family jewels in reply.

"Then kill the child."

"I'll make you a deal."

"I am listening."

"If you disperse with Jesus I will kill the child and I get to keep my penis."

"Deal." they shook on it.

"Now let us have sex." Satan said happily.

Pingy began to walk away.

"Were are you going?" He asked crestfallenly.

"You got me pregnant and as such you are going to be punished for the same amount of time that we have been together."

"TWO MILLENNIA!"

Pingy considered it. "You are right. Just a forth of the time we have been together."

"FIVE-HUNDRED YEARS? After that you'll give yourself to me every night... and sometimes after lunch?"

Pingy hadn't heard. She had already teleported to the world of the living and un-damned.

"She shall pay for killing my flower!" Jesus muttered to himself as he walked along the streets of Las Vegas screaming to all that passed him that they were going to hell for various different reasons.

"How much do I owe you?" Pingy asked from behind him.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAACK!" Jesus cried.

"That isn't any currency I am aware of. How about $500?"

"Hmmm..." Jesus was considering it.

"Erm... your line would be 'keep you damned money of hell you evil she devil worshipper! You pray to the Pagan gods! REPENT!'" Pingy said, consulting her script.

"No, I have been thinking."

"Really?" Pingy asked incredulously.

Jesus glared at her. "Yes. I have decided that I should ignore the script."

"Why?"

"Because I read ahead and I discovered that if I turn the money down I will end up being castrated by a flaming bullwhip while being sodomized by an ice covered knife. If I take the money now then I can save my manliness and life."

Pingy rolled her eyes. "Listen. I work for the author of this script. If you don't do what she orders then I will personally commit all those atrocities upon you with the help of Snowflake."

Jesus paled.

"Ah yes. You remember Snowflake, do you not? I do believe I fed your bleeding entrails to my lovely cow the last time we met."

"Are you sure you can't just give me the money?" Jesus asked pitifully.

"I would never betray Megano in that way! And besides..." Pingy looked sheepish. "I don't have $500."

Jesus began to snicker, Then to laugh, Then to chortle, Then to gasp for air, Then to fall down, Then to roll about like a looney, Then to be randomly mugged by Pingy who was growing bored, Then his nose began to bleed, Then he passed out. Pingy watched in interest as He proceeded to drowned in his own blood.

"Why is it so easy to kill this guy?" Pingy mused.

"Pingy?" Satan asked meekly.

"Yes?"

"Are you sure we can't have sex? I got rid of the kid."

"Yes, I am sure. This is to make sure that you don't do this to me ever again. Every time you do this the time between will be tripled."

Satan squeaked.

Snowflake walked in. "Moo."

"Why is he here?" Pingy asked indignantly.

"Moo."

"Tell him to go away."

"Moo."

"Yes I know who he is but I am angry with him right now."

"Moo."

"Well I don't care if he is the queen of Sheeba!"

"Moo."

"He is? Well... I just told you I don't care so..."

"MOO."

"No! Don't eat me! I'll go! I'll go!"

"Moo." Snowflake trotted out looking very smug.

"Damn cows." Pingy muttered to herself as she got up and wet to greet their important guest.

"Thank you so much for dispersing with my son again." God spake.

"Go to hell." Pingy grumbled

"This is hell."

"Then go fuck yourself."

"That is against my religion."

"What religion?"

"Christianity."

"Wait wait wait... You are part of the religion that worships the son that you have wanted me to kill twice?"

"Yes."

"Doesn't that seem a bit odd to you?"

"No. I had you kill him because I knew that he was going to become famous and all that. Sorry for the inconvenience."

Pingy was working hard to fight back her rage. She suddenly lighted upon a brilliant idea to make god very uncomfortable. "Hey! God?"

"Yes?" God asked. His face was aglow with a trusting light. In short, he was a fool.

"How is Gabriel doing?" Pingy asked innocently.

"Erm..."

"I heard that you and he had an important meeting in your chambers last night. I believe that many people heard one of you scream out in frustration, although others dispute that it sounded more like the scream of absolute bliss, and the meeting wasn't finished until the wee hours of the morning. Did you and Gabriel get into a scuffle?"

"W-why do you ask?" God asked nervously.

"No reason. It is just that I heard many eyewitness reports that when Gabriel left your chambers his clothing was torn, his hair disheveled, and he was limping."

God spit out the tea he had just drank.

"God. I have a very important question to ask you." Pingy said, leaning forward and squinting at him.

"Y-yes?" He stuttered in reply.

"Have you ever seen Gabriel naked?"

"erm..." Gods eyes were darting around the room, looking at everyone but Pingy. "N-no."

"Do these pictures look familiar to you?" Pingy inquired, handing some photographs to God. They were the same photos that Satan had taken two millennia ago.

"That is not me!" God exclaimed. "I swear! This is a hoax!" God looked frantic.

"So you have never seen Gabriel naked." It was a statement.

"No I have not."

"And you have no relationship with Gabriel beyond the creator of the universe and his right hand man." It was a statement again.

"That is right."

"And you claim no love for Gabriel."

"No. None." God looked relieved.

"Really?" Pingy asked.

"Yes."

"That is odd."

"Why?" God was getting nervous again.

"It is just that... well, let him tell you. Gabriel?"

Gabriel walked into the room.

"GABRIEL!" God screamed.

"No!" Gabriel said, cutting God off. "I have heard enough. I have turned in my resignation form and I have decided to work for these honest people."

"But this is hell! You are Gabriel! You can't work for hell!"

"I am through listening to your rules! For two millennia you have lied to me and I played right into your hands. I will not be bedded by you any longer. I withdraw myself and all who are sworn to me from your service and dedicate myself and all of them to the service of Satan and Pingy who would never bed me for the wrong reasons."

Pingy cleared her throat.

"Well... maybe they will bed me for the wrong reasons, but at least they won't claim to love me and then deny all contact with me!" Gabriel stalked off.

God fell to the floor weeping. "Why Pingy?" He asked. "Why?"

"I dunno." Pingy said casually. "I guess I just kinda felt like it." She began to walk off.

"Wait!"

"What?"

"erm..."

"Bye," She began to walk off again.

"NO!"

"Then what?"

"If I pardon you for your sins, will you come to heaven?"

"No."

"Why?"

"Because I don't like harps." Pingy left him.

God twitched. He was all alone in heaven. Gabriel probably realized that everyone in heaven was sworn to him, God thought as he paced the empty cloud palace. I must exact my revenge upon Pingy. There must be someone who she hates more then any other thing that had every been or will ever be...

"Moo?" Snowflake asked Pingy

"Yes Snowflake. You may ask me anything." Pingy answered.

"Moo."

"Well, hypothetically speaking, If my brother was brought back to life and made the right hand of god I would probably go on a small rampage."

"Moo?"

"Oh, it would only kill the entire human population on planet earth. So why do you ask."

"Moo."

"I want to know because in my experience the vast majority of hypothetical questions are not hypothetical at all and they actually have more then the crumbs of truth to them."

"Moo?"

"Well, they have the loaf of truth I guess."

"Moo."

"Yes, I filled my quota of damnation today. Why are you trying to change the subject?"

"Moo."

"Yes you are!"

"Moo."

"Yeah huh!"

"Moo."

Pingy sighed, she was becoming very exasperated. "Look, just tell me the truth. Is my brother actually alive or is he still suffering the worst punishment possible in the worst lit dungeons."

"Moo."

"Excuse me," Pingy walked out of the room. "AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH I AM GOING TO FUCKING KILL YOU! YOU HEAR ME? I WILL FUCKING KILL YOU! DIE BITCH DIE! YOU WILL SUFFER A TERRIBLE DEATH!"

"Moo!" Snowflake squeaked before attempting to flee in fear of her life.

"Snowflake!" Pingy called. "I am not talking about you."

"Moo."

"Come. We must rally the angels."

"Moo?"

"We have to overthrow God, for he has strayed from the path of riotousness."

"Moo."

"Yes, we need to find out what god is planning...

"Hmm... according to the script," God muttered, examining his script, "I am supposed to reveal my plans to Pingy's brother and Pingy will listen in using her witchcraft and then she will know my plans. I cannot allow this to happen. PATRICK!"

"Yes master?"

"Why do you have the voice of Darth Vader?"

"Who might this Vader man be for it is not me who has his voice, tis he who has my voice!"

"Really now?"

"Yes. Maybe... no." Pat looked meekly down.

"Anyway, I have to send you on a mission."

"What is the mission, master?"

"Well, you see, I can not at this time tell you." God looked slightly uncomfortable.

"Why the fuck not." Pat asked, polite as ever.

"Because if I tell you my plans, Pingy will find out somehow because the author of this script is fucked up." He pulled out his script and reread a section of it. "Yes, very fucked up.

"

"So I will just wander around in hopes of completing whatever you want me to do."

"That's the gist of it."

"Alright." Patrick wandered off into the night, no doubt heading for the nearest bar or marijuana dealer.

Meanwhile in hell, the author of the script was embroiled in a heated argument with the Antichrist...

Pingy snorted with laughter. "You mean you made him send my poor fool of a brother to earth with no more help then his own wits?"

The author, Megano, nodded, also laughing.

Pingy snorted into her carbonated soda and very painfully shot it out of her nose. "AKKKK! IT BURNS! IT BURNS! MY RETINA! AKKKK!" She shot Megano, who was whistling innocently although in reality she cannot whistle worth crap, a look that was not very nice. "I blame you. As the author of this script you had the power to prevent that."

'That is not entirely true..."

"What do you mean?"

"Do you honestly think that I would willingly bring my brother back to life?"

"What do you mean 'your brother?' He is my brother. I am not related to you." She glared at Megano.

"Must I explain everything to you?" Megano sighed. "When you became Satan's wife and the Antichrist your soul was split in two to allow for your soul to be partially filled with evil."

Pingy's face held a shocked, bordering on pissed off, look.

"Satan didn't tell you, did he?"

"MREEEEEEEEEEE!" Pingy emitted a loud high-pitched noise.

"I take that as a no. Well, anyway, They filled both halves with evil, but one was slightly less stable so they discarded it. That half died, and was thus eligible for reincarnation. It wasn't reincarnated until 1990 and has been growing older and more malignant since. That bit of your soul enjoys writing strange scripts about the murders of various religious leaders, in fact I do believe that she will move on to Muhammad next. So anyway, would you like to know who your, if you will pardon the slightly odd play on words, soul mate is?"

"Woof." Pingy exhaled

"I will take that as a yes. It is me. So now you understand. Pat is the brother I was raised with, for God broke him out of his reincarnate proof dungeon and let him be reborn even though reincarnation is a Buddhist belief. I hate him. You hate him. Let us kill him. I will write our victory and you shall do the deed."

"Meow"

"I thought so."

They began to laugh maniacally together. It was the same laugh. Somewhere in the distance, Satan heard that there were, as he could understand it, two Pingy's and decided to barricade himself in his bomb shelter.

"I've got a loverly bunch of coconuts (stee dee lee dee dee) there they are a-standing in a row (bum bum bum) big ones small ones some as big as your head!" Patrick sang drunkenly as he stumbled around the streets, no doubt looking for either drugs or a hooker (otherwise known as his girlfriend, Amanda).

Pingy suddenly appeared and bashed his head on a rock. Then she repeatedly stabbed his corpse. "Mweheeheehee! Fear me you wretched spawn of Jesus!" She thought of her words and hit herself mentally. "Damn, we are spawned from the same mother." She said while kicking his mangled and bloody corpse. "Fucker." She muttered as she stalked off.

"Damn." God muttered from the rooftops where he was watching the proceedings. "That was the last person who would work for me. My plans have failed. Megano has taken a very unreasonable dislike to me and thus I shall most likely die very soon and very painfully. I think I shall kill myself." God stole one of Zeus's thunderbolts and shot himself through the heart with it.

"Mweheeheehee!" Megano laughed from the shadows. "I win."

"SATAN!" Pingy screamed

Satan jumped, then he cringed, then he twitched.

"SATAN YOU FUCKER! GET OVER HERE RIGHT NOW OR I WILL SICK THE COWS OF HELL ON YOUR ASS! YOU KNOW THEY ARE MORE LOYAL TO ME THEN THEY ARE TO YOU! GET YOUR SCRAWNY ASS OVER HERE!"

Satan entered the room where Pingy was with his head lowered. "Yes dear." He asked as meekly as he could.

"FUCKER! FUCKER! FUCKER!" Pingy screamed in his ear.

"Oww..." he said, rubbing his ear.

"YOU RIPPED OUT A PIECE OF MY FUCKING SOUL! WHY DID YOU NOT TELL ME THIS?"

"Because I knew you would act like this." Satan said as meekly as he could.

"Oh..." Pingy calmed down a bit. She suddenly twitched violently. "Why are you dressed like a french maid?"

"Oh. I was trying to hide from you."

Pingy's anger returned slightly. "And why would this be." She asked, trying to keep her voice level.

"I heard your maniacal laughter. I would have figured that all was normal but my Santan-senses told me that there were two of you. I figured that you had figured out how to clone yourself. Naturally I was terrified. I had no idea how many of you there were. There could be thousands and I would have no idea."

"it is your own damn fault."

"How?"

"Hmm... let me think!" Pingy's voice was dripping with sarcasm on all italicized words. "Could it possibly be that you ripped my soul in half you dip shit! Then my soul fucking reincarnated and now it is writing stories about killing jesus! You idiots made the fucking brilliant decision to let the fucking unstable half of my soul die! You people obviously didn't damn Einstein because if you did you would have realized to lock the unstable bit in some place where it wouldn't be allowed to reincarnate. I'm surprised you people down here didn't chase your fucking tails before I came down here and restored at least a bit of the order!"

"Erm..." Satan looked uncomfortable. "We did chase our tails."

"You chased–"

"Yep."

"Really?"

"Uh huh."

"But–"

"It doesn't matter."

"I–"

"Shush."'

"Just–"

"Hush."

"Fuck–"

"You want to?"

"Still 499 years, 11 months, and 12 days to go bucko."

"Are you sure?"

"Completely."

"Or are you unsure?"

"No."

"No you are not sure or no you are not unsure."

"I'm not sure... no, wait... I don't know. Leave me alone!" Pingy curled up in the fetal position and sucked her thumb. Then she began to weep.

"That's cute."

"Now I can't get the image of you in a french maid outfit out of my mind." Pingy said, massaging her temples

Satan wiggled his eyebrows suggestively. "I could take it off if that would... pleasure you."

"You still have more then 499 years left to go you horny horny male you. Oh, and by the way, using my super special antichristal powers I have I have put a spell on the entire female population as well as Gabriel and if you attempt to attempt to bang any of them you will experience a rather uncomfortable electrical shock to your genitals.'

Satan winced.

"I thought you would enjoy that bit."

"Oh well. I will just have to compensate now won't I?"

"What do you mean by that?" Pingy asked suspiciously

"Oh, nothing." Satan skipped off singing. "Every time I find a frog or a tadpole I will take it in an empty room and violate parole."

Slightly more then 499 years, 11 months, and 12 days later, Pingy screamed, "Damn you Satan!"

"Erm... yes sweetie?" Satan said, trying to look like he didn't know what was happening although the sneaky bastard very well did.

"You got me pregnant again!" Pingy scream while reaching for the her favorite knife. There was no doubt in anyone's mind that Pingy's intent was to castrate him.

"Did I?" Satan asked innocently.

"You bloody well did! I didn't sleep with anyone else!"

"Really?"Satan asked incredulously. "In 500 years you never banged anyone?"

"No and you shouldn't have either! I put a spell on Gabriel and all females!"

"Yes, but no frog or tadpole was safe when I came near."

"Oh... my... god. I thought that little song of yours was a joke. Ewww. Ewww! Ewww! Why on earth did you do that with a frog? How did you do that with a frog. Oh god, I don't want to know. Jesus Christ! Now I can't get that image out of my mind. It isn't physically possible! How? No! I really don't want to know! Really! AKKK! My mind's eye has been sullied! It burns! It burns us! Send for the priest. I must repent before I go. Jesus. I still haven't been able to get the image of you in a french maid costume out of my head. And now there is you in a french maid costume and you are doing very bad things with a frog. Oh sweet Jesus! I should have become a christian when I was a child. No, I shouldn't have. I should never have agreed to marry you. AKKK!"

While Pingy had been ranting Satan, that sneaky little bastard that he is, had snuck off and donned his French maid costume and plucked a random frog from some random pond that randomly resided in the middle of hell... randomly. His return is what caused Pingy to scream.

Unfortunately, the sight was too much for Pingy's delicate mind. She sent out a magical aura that killed nearly all human beings on earth. The only people left were two brave children and they were quickly eaten by bears.

The End