A/N: Thanks to all of the crazy wonderful reviewers! I love getting to hear what people think. I forgot my disclaimer on the last chapter. So if you recognized anything it wasn't mine. Have fun reading this chapter.
Disclaimer: anything recognizable IS NOT mine.
Chapter 3:
November 15th
Sirius here and I'm almost entirely sober!
Gryffindor Tower
just because we like alcohol
I honestly don't think James gave Peter some "appler juice", especially since Peter is trying to seduce everything in sight. Including girls. Meaning Peter can't talk to girls without pissing himself. Unfortunate habit, but rather amusing to see.
His seducing is embarrassing to watch. Peter thinks being sexy is talking in a low voice and using dirty words.
He has been slapped in the face a few times tonight.
I'll ask him the exact number. Just as I feared. It's been twenty seven times that he has been hit by the opposite sex. Ooh, twenty eight.
Ouchiwawa.
Oh dear. It's time for me to be leaving. Someone needs an ice pack. And there is a girl calling my name. A very pretty girl. With large . . . eyes. Very large eyes.
Umm, have fun with Remus telling you about tonight. Duty calls, you know?
November 15th
Remus again
Gryffindor Tower
James supplied it, we drank it
Interesting chain of events. Peter's plan to engage every girl, and maybe even some of the boys, in Hogwarts in at least a conversation has made him the most hated marauder. Sirius will be worried about his image and James will now have to hide from Peter.
Apple juice. What kind of a half-wit mistakes alcohol for apple juice? I guess he just - aw shit, James is heading towards Lily. I have to stop him.
But how?
— – — – — – — – —
"Lilyy, you make me feel oh-so sillyyy.
Oh Lily, I love you sooo
(Love you so)
Lilayyayyay
(Lilayy)
You make my world
(Myy world)
Go 'round
(Go go 'round)
Silly Lily, won't you be
(Won't you be)
Minee tonightt?
(To-To-Tonight?)" Sirius and James had started to serenade Lily Evans. James sang lead and Sirius followed whatever James had said.
If they had been sober, Lily would not have tried to swallow her giggles. She began to turn a nice lavender color, it really complemented her hair.
Because Remus was tryed to intervene, the drunkards' turned their attention to him.
"Reheeemus, you are the onee
(the onee)
for me
(for meheeheeheeheeee)
oh oh ohhhh oh
(oh)
Remus, Remus, Remus
(Reeemus)
Eventually they were dragged upstairs by Remus and Peter, but Peter was not very much help because he could barely get himself up the stairs.
They tumbled into the room together, and James lay there for the rest of the night; stroking Sirius' hair and cooing softly.
– — – — – — – — –
Lily, lay in bed that night, thinking about the day. Was what James sang true? Did she really have that effect on him? Could he be the man she was searching for? She hoped he was thinking the same thoughts about her.
"Elli," Lily called before realizing Elli was asleep, "I think I like James. I shouldn't be liking him. But he's so cute when he tries to impress me. In a dorky kind of way. He is like a little teddy bear that I want to cuddle with."
But Elli wasn't asleep like Lily had been hoping. She heard every word.
— – — – — – — – —
The next day James lay in his despair pit. He thought about how Lily hated him so, and he couldn't take it. He had to get her to like him.
"Sirius," He called. "Sirius, I need you. I need your help."
Sirius turned to James very quickly, "Well, I am at your service. What do you need? Quickly now, tell me, tell me."
"How do I get Lily to like me?" James moaned.
"Ahh, the Lily Flower. The red headed beauty. The crabby-ass. Is this the Lily you speak of?"
"Yes, Sirius. Who else would it be?"
"My auntie."
James raised his eyebrow, "Why would I want your aunt to like me?"
"Because you think I am sexy, and my aunt would look just like me and because we are both straight that would be the only way for you to live out your fantasy of me. The one where I am in bed . . . . with whipped cream and chocolate," Sirius explained.
"Whaat? You sexy? Whipped cream and chocolate? Are you mental, or just on drugs?" James exclaimed.
"The whipped cream and chocolate would be in a pie. And I would be eating the pie. And I am a sexy wildebeest. Meanie pants," Sirius replied.
James looked bemused, but he had to figure Lily out, "Sirius, this is all really exciting to talk about, but how do I get Lily to like me?"
"Act like a gentleman."
"A gentleman?"
"A gentleman."
Sirius then proceeded to get James Potter dressed and acting like a gentleman. Remus was rather putout to see James being "politeicimus." Because being a gentleman, you have to talk in "Italian" at all times. That's why the Italians are so good with ladies.
"Ah, look at mi creation. Buutiful, buutiful!" Sirius cried when James emerged from the bathroom in a smoking jacket.
Remus burst out laughing as James tried to put a monocle on in each eye, "Why don't you just wear your glasses? It's a lot less painful."
"Because it is not de way of de Italians. Dey must be styleesh," James explained in a false Italian accent, that was more Jamaican / Brazilian than anything else.
"That wasn't an Italian accent, and you're only supposed to wear one monocle at a time. The has 'bad idea' written all over it," Remus warned.
"No, in Italian it is 'bad-icimus idea-omous,'" Sirius quickly corrected, "Now, Jamesy you must-a be-a going. Charm-a your lady free-end."
Soon James found himself sitting in a common room chair, closely being observed by Sirius and Peter.
— – — – — – —
November 16th
Sirius and Peter
Gryffindor Common Room
Observing our Charming Gentleman Friend
Oh, oh hello. It is I, Noble Sir Sirius, and my faithful . . . Peter. Remus will not be joining us this evening because he has gotten himself a date with an incredibly sexy lady. So it is up to Peter and I to make sure James does not mess this up. Lily is coming careening down the stairs. Her eyes are fiery with passion.
Or it could be that someone stole her sexiest underwear. Only time will tell.
Anyways, our dear friend, James is completely ready for this night of good fortune. He is even has my lucky pipe, only used for special occasions. It has a duck carved on it.
A very sexy duck, though.
Let's see, ahh, James has the mono-thingys in and the pipe is placed in his mouth. He even has a book out! Lily will love this. He is noticing her presence. Must go to whisper in his ear.
Okey-dokey. Bye.
— – — – — – —
James sat with a large book on his lap. He was staring at the book trying to understand what Shakespeare meant with his poems, but the words had letters he had never seen before. He slammed the book down and screamed, "This is HOPELESS. GENTLEMEN HAVE TO READ IN A DIFFERENT LANGUAGE!"
A first year looked at him with a frightened look,"J-james. You're you're book is upside down."
"WELL? What the hell does that mean?" He yelled.
"That the letters are upside down. S-so it's harder to read."
James scowled and downed his entire glass of gentlemanly champagne. The first year ran off just as Lilly came stomping around the corner.
"James. I need to talk to you. In private. Right now," Lily spoke in forceful sentences.
"Um, coming darling," James sang uneasily, feeling the effects of his bubbly alcohol as he stumbled over to wear she stood.
Lily grabbed him by the arm and led him through the portrait into the corridor. Why is she doing this? James wondered. Could it be that her passion for me has overwhelmed her thoughts? This gentleman thing really worked. Cor, she looks good. And I mean real good.
He started gazing at her and drooling a little, until she slapped him.
"OUCH, bloody hell woman. Were you trying to kill my face? Because you may have. It stings worse than getting kicked in the family jewels. Have you no dignity?" James screamed upon being slapped.
"I have dignity, but you James Potter are lacking it! Stealing my knickers, and the cutest pair I have. You are downright perverted!" She screamed right back.
"Oh. That must have been Sirius. Um, look I'm sorry that he did that, but I don't know where it is." James explained while he ran a hand through his gelled back and gentlemanly hair. Suddenly he broke out into a smile, the kind a little boy gets when he figures out something really tricky. "To make it up to you I'll get you my favorite pair of boxers. They have the Chudley Cannons flying around all over it. Would that make you feel better?"
He didn't even wait for a response as her ran back to the fat lady and screamed the password before racing into the common room and up the stairs into his dorm. He found Sirius lying on his bed with a stuffed animal tiger.
They seemed to be having a "moment."
"Cor, James! Don't you even know how to knock? What if you had walked in on me having a romantic moment or something, what then!" Sirius screamed in surprise.
"Well I don't know, but have you seen my Chudley Cannon boxers?" James asked hurriedly.
"The ones that are green and purple?"
"Yes."
"Are you looking for the ones with all seven players on them?"
"Yes."
"Is it the pair with a quaffle, a snitch, and a couple of bludgers on them?"
"YES! Have you seen them?"
"No. Check in your dresser. Or else in the bath tub."
James screamed in frustration and slapped Sirius on the head before upturning every single thing in dorm room. He finally found his pair of boxers hiding in the toothbrush holder.
"How the hell did my underwear get in there!" James yelled.
"Well I don't know. Was it from that party when the quidditch team won? And we snuck some ladies from hogsmeade up here?"
"Sirius, we never had ladies from hogsmeade up here."
"Oh-ho! Yes we have Jamesy Pooh-Bear. Were you really that drunk?"
"ARGHH. SHUT UP." James shouted before running down the stairs and out the potrait hole to Lily.
"Here they are Lily! You see the seeker? He kind of looks like me, huh?" James asked hopefully.
"Are you drunk, James? Honestly. Thanks for your underwear, but I don't want them. Take them back," Lily replied.
"No. I am NOT drunk. I may be intoxicated, but I AM NOT DRUNK. And now that you have touched my underwear I don't ever want to wear them again. KEEP THEM!" James retaliated huffily.
And with that Lily took the underwear, said the password, and stalked upstairs without a backward glance.
James yelled at a little first year walking by, then fell to the floor. He decided to cry and let out the emotions within. That is how Remus found him at 12:30 after his miserable date.
"C'mon, James. Lets go up to the common room. I bet you Sirius has some sort of alcohol laying about," Remus comforted.
"Okay, Rem-Rem," James said in a lost little voice while Remus lifted him up and helped walk up the stairs to the dorm.
— – — – — – — – — – — – — –
A/N: um. So there it is. Tell me what you would like. I could use some ideas for what to happen in the upcoming chapters. And I could use some criticism. And maybe some praise? Haha, but please review. And im sorry this took so long to update. The next chapter won't. I promise.
Love.
A.NERD.NAMED.ABBEY
