Part 3
Michael is sitting behind his desk attempting to perform the "rubber pencil" illusion for himself. The door abruptly flies open and in walks Dwight. Michael, startled by the sudden movement, accidentally lets go of the pencil and flips it across the room.
"Michael I need to talk to you about the…" Dwight says very robotically before being interrupted by Michael.
"No, no, not now Dwight. Can this wait?"
"But Michael, my bagels…"
"You know what?" Michael cries. He is frustrated and fed up. "I am too busy to worry about problems with your bagels."
Dwight looks towards the floor before leaving. This was proving to be a bad week for him.
Back at the reception desk, Jim was slacking off work again talking to his favorite receptionist.
"So, are you going to share with me how you pulled that stunt with Dwight?" Pam asked Jim.
"Oh, I have my ways. I have my ways." Jim said with a smirk.
Pam smiled, making Jim's heart skip a beat. She wanted to say something about the email now, she just didn't know how.
"You know, you can confide in me right?" Pam asked Jim.
Jim gets a quizzical look on his face.
"Uhm, yea. It was just a bit of a painkiller I had left over from surgery that I put in the cup..."
"No, I didn't mean that...I meant like..." Pam stuttered. She wasn't talking about the prank in Dwight. Jim looked at her funny.
"Yea?" Jim asked.
"Oh, uhm...I forgot what I was going to say" Pam said with no conviction behind her words.
"Oh okay. I should be getting back to work..." Jim said, breaking eye-contact with her and heading back to his desk. Pam took a deep sigh. She had no idea how she would bring up the email.
Dwight was sitting at his desk, tapping his fingers anxiously against the cheap faux-wood desk surface. He suddenly makes a sudden turn towards Jim and stares at him.
"So, Jim. Why did you not inform me about this poppyseed bagel situation? You know I eat one every morning."
"I thought you were a volunteer sheriff's deputy. Wouldn't you know that as a volunteer officer of the law?" Jim retorted.
"Yes, yes I would know that. I just thought that you would have reminded me about it, one coworker to another coworker." Dwight said.
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Dwight is in the conference room speaking with the camera.
"Yes, I am volunteer sheriff's deputy. I serve the local Scranton community with pride."
He looks down to the ground and then back at the camera.
"If they thought I was on drugs...which I am NOT...I would lose this."
Dwight holds up a volunteer badge made out of plastic.
"This is a sign of power and authority. I have worked too hard to have this taken away by a...by a BAGEL" Dwight exclaims.
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Michael walks up to Pam's desk and smacks his hand down on the counter. Pam jumps up, slightly startled.
"Pam, would you please write down everyone's name...including yours but except for mine...on a piece of paper and put them in a hat?" Michael asks her.
"That's how you're going to pick who gets drug tested? Like a raffle? Aren't there computer programs to do that?" Pam asks.
"I am old school Pam...I may be hip and down with modern technology but at my heart I'm old school. Dig?" Mike says.
"Uhh...okay. Why won't your name be in there?" Pam asks.
"Because Pam, I am the boss. And the only drug I am on is humor."
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Pam is in the conference room speaking to the camera.
"So Michael asked me to write down everyone's name on a piece of paper and put it in a hat. So I did that."
She pulls a piece of paper out of a hat and shows it to the camera.
"Here is one piece of paper...and it has almost everyones name written very small on it. See...Creed, Meredith, Toby, Angela, Oscar, Kevin, Ryan, Jim and myself", she reads off the names.
"And these other twenty slips of paper...they all have Dwight written on them." Pam smiles widely.
"I did exactly what Michael asked right? He never specified how many names on each slip of paper or how many slips of paper I should use. There aren't even twenty people working in here", Pam says with a smile still stuck on her face.
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Jim is sitting in the conference room looking at the camera.
"What can I say...pure genius." Jim says. "I'm so proud of her".
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Pam knocks on Michael's office door and opens it. He is, once again, trying to perform the rubber pencil illusion for himself. He pretends to write with the pencil as soon as Pam walks in but is holding it upside down and is writing with the eraser end.
"The names are ready Michael" Pam says.
"Okay, I'll be out in one minute...just finishing up some work", Michael says.
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Michael stands in the middle of the office with the hat with the papers in hand.
"Everyone, can I have your attention please", Michael asks. "Pam, please hold the hat and I'll draw a name."
Pam complies and holds the hat out for Michael to draw from. He does so and dramatically unfolds the paper.
In his best carnival voice, Michael dramatically says "and the winner is...".
Dwight can be seen nervously tapping his foot and his fingers on the desk.
"Dwight!" Michael says loudly.
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Creed is in the conference room talking to the camera. He wipes his brow.
"Whew...well that was a close-call", Creed says. "I thought for a moment there that I might have to borrow some urine from my nephew."
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Dwight bursts into Michael's office.
"Michael, I need to speak with you."
"Right now, Dwight? Because I kind of have my hands full."
"Yes, right now." Dwight is pacing back and forth in Michael's office. "I can't take the drug test."
"Well, why not?" Michael asks. "Been puffing on the cheeba and not sharing it with me?"
Dwight gives Michael a horrific look. "I have NEVER done drugs in my entire life! I swear to you!"
"Okay, calm down there Cheech." Michael laughs nervously and looks at the camera.
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Michael is sitting in his office speaking with the camera.
"Cheech and Chong are like the Abbott and Costello of drugs." Michael smiles. "You certainly don't need to be high to appreciate their comedic talents." Michael pauses, lost in thought.
"Who's on drugs? What's on dope? Wait, no...dope is on...third" Michael says, laughing nervously at his own trainwreck of a joke. "Watch Up in Smoke, you'll see what I mean."
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"My poppyseed bagels...they'll think I'm on heroin or...opium" Dwight says to Michael.
"What? That's crazy...Dwight if you aren't doing drugs, which I hope you aren't, you'll have no problems. If you test positive then...I guess you are on drugs", Michael says.
Dwight closes his eyes and sighs.
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Back at their desks, Jim and Dwight are both working. Dwight seems a little preoccupied to focus on his work.
"You know Dwight, you can beat the drug test" Jim says.
"I'm listening" Dwight responds.
"Well I could tell you, but how do I know you aren't really on drugs? I could be aiding a criminal. That's illegal" Jim says.
"Well you know I'm not on drugs" Dwight yells. The office is silent and everyone turns to look at him. His voice gets quieter, almost to a whisper. "I'm not on drugs."
"Well, I once read that if you drink two gallons of blue Kool-Aid without the sugar, you can flush your system out" Jim tells Dwight. "But you didn't hear it from me, I'm just talking to myself here about what I've read."
"Understood" Dwight says firmly.
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Dwight is pulling into the parking lot of the office in his Firebird. He gets out with a plastic grocery bag and walks into the building.
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At his desk, Dwight is pouring the contents of a packet of kool-aid into a plastic gallon jug of water. He caps it and shakes it to dissolve it all.
Jim trades smiles with Pam.
Dwight begins chugging down the bitter and un-sweetened kool-aid water, so fast that it is dribbling down his chin and all over himself. His coworkers are staring at him but he does not seem to notice.
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Dwight is in his Firebird, driving to the testing center. He is still chugging from the blue liquid while he drives, his lips are blue and it is all over him.
He parks and gets out at the testing lab. He burps and wipes his mouth with his sleeve.
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Back in the office everyone is busily working, or not working. It seems hard to tell the difference. Dwight walks in all disheveled, his shirt un-tucked and his hair messed up.
Michael comes out of his office with a stern look on his face. He addresses Dwight in front of the whole office.
"Dwight...I got a phone call from the testing center." Michael frowns. "You're results came back."
Dwight looks nervous and is pacing again. His lips are still stained blue and so is his tongue, his chin and his white shirt.
"And you are...not on drugs. Thank God because I don't think anyone here could imagine you on drugs" Michael says and looks around the room for a laugh. No one laughs so he nervously laughs himself.
Dwight hugs Michael and begins jumping up and down.
"YES! I passed my drug test! In your FACE" he says as he points his hand close to Pam's face. He runs over to Meredith's desk. "In your FACE!!!! I'm NOT ON DRUGS" Dwight screams as he runs around the office jumping.
Everyone in the office exchanges looks of horror. Jim smiles at Pam. Michael looks at the camera and shrugs his shoulders.
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Pam is in the conference room talking to the camera.
"Jim is...just plain brilliant. He plays Dwight like a concert pianist plays a piano." Pam pauses. "The email? Well, I'm not exactly sure what the deal is. I rather not talk about it..." Pam says as she gets up and leaves.
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Jim is in the conference room speaking to the camera.
"Oh Dwight...if it wasn't for him I think I would be entirely too bored around here."
