Disclaimer: I do not own Divergent, any of the characters or any of the dialogue that comes directly from the text.
Chapter 23
I hear a shuffling behind me that reminds me that I am not alone.
"We need to talk," Four says as I turn to face him.
"So talk," I say back.
"The way I figure it, there are two scenarios when it comes to your interest in Tris."
I roll my eyes.
"Enlighten me," I reply sarcastically.
"Scenario 1, you're using her. You and your band of Divergent hunters need her for something so you're trying to gain her trust. I haven't worked out what you want from her yet, but I'll get there."
I snort. Band of Divergent hunters.
"My what?"
"Don't play dumb with me Eric. You've been doing it for years. Identifying and turning in people like her."
"Whatever you say," I reply noncommittally. "What's the other scenario?"
"Scenario 2, your feelings for her are genuine. You've actually started to care for someone other than yourself," he says before pausing. I'm not sure if he is expecting me to say something or not, but I don't so he continues. "Which is just sad because you might have her fooled right now, but eventually she will see you for who you really are."
His words hit a nerve and my tolerance for this conversation plummets. I take two steps forward which places our faces mere inches apart.
"And who is that?" I dare him, narrowing my eyes. He stares at me, practically snarling and I can feel his breath on my skin.
"Someone who just follows orders blindly. Someone who is afraid that if they ask questions or voice their opinions they won't be accepted. Someone who is so intent on being someone that he doesn't even realize that at the end of the day he is no one. You're just a scared, pathetic child desperately searching for approval and she might not see it now, but one day she will realize that you are nowhere near good enough for her."
Without thinking, I bring my arm up across my body and push us both forward, slamming his back into the wall. He stays still and our faces nearly touch. I keep my forearm pressed across his chest.
"And what, you really think you're good enough for her, Tobias?"
I watch as a number of emotions flash across his face before he raises his hands and shoves me off of him. I stumble backwards but manage to steady myself before I make contact with the wall behind me.
"Don't you dare call me that," he spits, as he walks passed me towards the Pit.
You'd think I'd be used to people knocking on my door in the middle of the night by now, but it still catches me by surprise every time. At least this time I'm still awake, my racing thoughts and my worry for Tris preventing me from falling asleep.
"I'm coming!" I yell, making my way to the door.
I pull it open to reveal a sobbing, distraught looking Tris. My heart begins to race as panic takes over my senses.
"What happened? Are you hurt? Did Peter do something?"
She shakes her head no in response before stepping forward and wrapping her arms around me, her cheek pressed against my chest.
I hug her back and rest my chin on the top of her head. For a moment we just stand there as her tears slowly subside. Remembering that we are practically in the hallway, I look around checking that no one has seen us.
"We should go inside," I say quietly. I feel her nod in agreement against my chest. We pull apart from our hug and after closing the door, I lead her over to the couch.
"What happened?" I ask again, calmer this time.
"I had another nightmare. Peter hung me over the railing again, but this time I fell and when I got to the bottom Al was there…well his body was there…his eyes were open, emotionless, empty and he just stared at me. I couldn't get up, I couldn't move…I was just frozen in spot staring into his dead eyes. Right before I woke up, he told me it was my fault that he's dead."
Jesus. No wonder she was so upset.
"I woke up and I just started crying, I couldn't stop and I didn't want anyone to hear me…so I just got up and ran. I kept running until I got here. I'm sorry that I woke you up."
Her tears have returned but this time they stream silently down her cheeks.
"Hey," I say, lifting my hands to the sides of her face and wiping away the tears with my thumbs. "I'm glad you're here, okay? I couldn't sleep knowing you were in the same room as Peter anyways. But you're safe now. And you know Al's death wasn't your fault right?"
"He tried to apologize…begged me to forgive him. But I wouldn't, I couldn't. Instead, I told him I would kill him if he came anywhere near me. Maybe if I had forgiven him he'd still be here."
I can't believe she's blaming herself for his death when less than twenty-four hours ago he was trying to kill her.
"Tris, this isn't your fault," I say, still holding her face in my hands. "No one would ever have expected you to forgive him for what he did to you. And even if you had forgiven him, he was never going to make it through initiation. He would have ended up factionless. There's a good chance that's why he did this."
She nods as though agreeing with me, but I can tell I've done nothing to assuage her guilt. She looks so fragile…bent but not quite broken. Is this my fault too? Am I pushing them all too hard?
She yawns. "Do you want to try to get some sleep?" I ask.
"Okay."
We both stand up and make our way over to my bed. Unlike last night, I lift up the blankets before laying down. Tris kicks off her shoes and gets in next to me, immediately curling into my side. We lay silently for a while and my eyes flutter shut.
"I know it was Jeanine you were talking to in the hall."
My eyes snap open.
"I couldn't place her voice at the time, but I was looking at one of the Erudite reports earlier and her picture was on it and it just clicked."
She shifts and looks up at me. I don't respond but my face seems to give her all the confirmation she needs. She moves her head back again.
"Will talks about her like she's some kind of genius. He said something about how before he left, she was trying to develop a longer lasting serum for the simulations."
A longer lasting serum? But why would Jeanine need people to stay in the simulations longer? What is she hoping to do with this new serum? My mind goes back to my conversation with Max from a few days ago.
"How is she planning to turn us into her army then? How is she going to convince all of our members to go to war for her?"
"For now, that's need to know. There's still some kinks being worked out…but you'll find out soon enough."
No…she can't…that's insane…she can't possibly be planning to use this longer lasting serum to control her army. To control us…can she?
"Is she the one getting you to do it?" Tris asks, pulling me from my spiralling thoughts. "Is she the one who's making you search out Divergents?"
How much of my conversation with Jeanine did she hear?
"Please Eric, just be honest with me."
What do I do? Do I just tell her? How much do I tell her? I rub her back gently, trying to decide what to say. The fabric is soft against my rough hands and I realize she is still wearing my hoodie. I smile.
You can do this Eric.
"Yes, Jeanine is the one leading the pursuit of Divergents," I say. I hold my breath as I wait for her reaction.
"Why?"
"Honestly?"
"Yes."
"I don't know."
She looks up at me again, an eyebrow raised.
"It's the truth, I promise. At first, I thought she was killing them to preserve our way of life. But lately…I don't know. Max made a comment that made me question it. I'm starting to think she needs them…needs you…for some reason. But I don't know why."
It has to be linked to everything else…Abnegation, the government, the serum…but how do Divergents come into play?
"Okay."
The room goes silent once more. This time it's my turn to interrupt it.
"If I ask you something, do you promise to be honest with me?"
I wait for her response.
"I promise."
"Do you have feelings for Four?"
I can feel her body tense against me and I instantly regret asking. I chew at the inside of my lip as she thinks about my question.
"I don't know what I feel for him."
I should probably be angry. It's not the answer I was hoping for, but it also doesn't really surprise me. I may not be angry, but there's no denying the jealously and…sadness...that I feel right now. Maybe I should just walk away, like Four said, I'm not good enough for her anyways. If I walk away now, I can just go back to the way things were. Back to the ease of following orders blindly…it's what I do best after all.
"Do you have feelings for me?" It comes out before I have a chance to talk myself out of it.
Her body relaxes and she takes a deep breath. I wait impatiently for her to respond.
"After my nightmare I was so upset. I was just sitting in my bed freaking out and trying not to cry. I kept telling myself to calm down, to get a hold of myself. I tried to think about other things, but nothing worked. Not until you came into my thoughts and I knew right away that if I could just be with you…if I could just hear your heartbeat and feel your warmth…I'd be okay. I knew that if I could just get to you I would feel safe."
Hope. I haven't felt it in a long time, but it's what I feel now. Except hope is dangerous…hope leaves you open to getting hurt and I've been hurt by it too many times.
But could giving into it be worth it this time?
"I know it's not fair to you…"
"It's fine. Let's just try to sleep," I say, squeezing her gently against me. I feel her grip on me tighten, almost like she's afraid I'll slip away. "We don't have to figure things out tonight."
"Okay," she responds uneasily, the tips of her fingers pressing into my side.
I lean my head forward and lightly kiss the top of her head. She sighs as her grip on me loosens. We both relax into each other.
I'm so fucked.
What's life without a little drama and indecision?
It's a bit shorter than the last you, but hopefully you enjoyed it anyways! There's some long ones on the way.
As always, thank you to everyone who is still sticking with me! And welcome to those who just found my fic. I absolutely love hearing from you, so don't be shy!
I'll see you Friday for the next chapter.
-MWB
