Part 3
an: strong language
I feel sick, that's what she does to me. IT hurts so much. If I wasn't all cried out that's what I'd be doing right now. Hunched against the lockers I'd let the tears fall – but I don't have any tears left. I don't think I have any more strength left. I'm just standing here, lent against my locker looking at the mirror. I'm even more pathetic than I thought I was. Stood here feeling empty, alone. I can't believe that I put myself through this…
For some reason I begin to think of an ex of mine, and how walking in on her and some whore she'd met at work was no where near as bad as this – as watching Catherine with her husband. I shook my head and gave into defeat – there was no way that I'm going to get my woman – I may as well give it up. She'll never leave him. Taking my jacket I reached in and pulled out a pack of cigarettes the only thing I wanted was the smoke right now – to fill me in side and calm me. It'll at least make me last till I get to my apartment and the alcohol.
Just as I was about to leave, having lit and had the longest of drags, I hared the door push open. Opening my eyes I turned my head and looked at Catherine. Her hair out of place, kiss swollen lips with red marks running down her neck. I couldn't look at the marks he'd left, it was too much so I looked to the floor ahead of me, and said nothing.
"Sar…" She slurred, I don't know what had her so drunk, I mean she never usually drinks when she's here on the job but I'm sure she's had something tonight. "…don't tell me I've upset you"
I take another long drag.
Catherine staggers towards me, "…let me say sorry" She smirked, as she came up and took hold of my shirt. Roughly she pushed me into the locker, "I'll fix it" she mumbled and I'm positive it was more to herself. I felt her teeth graze my neck and I was still un moved. I had the cigarette in my mouth and that's where it stayed – I couldn't believe this was happening to me. This wasn't Catherine. She got to my ear, and spoke, "You're much better than he is…trust me"
I have one rule and she knows it, we don't talk about him. Especially not now when her body is pressed against mine and her hands are on me – I try to push her away. But she won't have it. She become more violent – normally I'm stronger than her but something has given her a boost tonight – "NO" she growls, "I'm going to show you!" She takes the cigarette from my mouth and takes a drag before dropping into to the floor.
"Get off me" I growl at her, I was too angry – I was too hurt. She can't do this to me. Not now
"You don't want to?" She asks, with a smirk.
Her hand moves up my shirt. And then she does the worst thing she can, "Show me you are better than him, show me Sar…" I feel another hand on my belt pulling, "You've been looking at me all night, why don't you want me now huh?" She had anger in her eyes that I didn't like. I didn't like where this was going.
"Stop" I tell her.
"You know that he just made me want you more…when I'm with him… I need you" She just kept going on and on and I couldn't take it. And when she began to suck my neck it through me over the edge – I pushed her away violently.
"Your fucking drunk" I growled.
She stopped herself from falling, then she just looked at me, and laughed. "Don't tell me this isn't what you want…" she shot as she began to undo her shirt, swaying her hips a little like her job had taught her to. She had no idea how much she was hurting me right now, treating me like some customer that she was been paid to satisfy –
I just couldn't believe it…
She pressed into me again but this time I took control, I roughly turned her around and pushed her into the locker "It isn't…I don't want to be this person. Just sort it out Catherine, don't treat me like this you got it?" I growled.
I didn't return her calls, no matter how much it pained me to hear the woman pleading down my answer machine I just couldn't do it. Two Days, two long days filled with lonely ness and a feeble attempt to fill the void with scotch, vodka, beer – anything I could get my hands on. Hell I was never stone cold sober before I met her but since that god damn night she came into my world – she'd forced me into this life style. I never wanted to live like this…ever. I'm not sure what is worse - the life I'd left behind, escaped – or the one that I'd walked into.
But I do believe this is the lowest I've been in a long while – sitting here on my sofa a bottle in on hand and a photo of myself and Catherine in the other. She was beautiful – breathtakingly so. My heart beat softly as I looked at her – her head lowered in that way she did when laughing, the sun hitting her hair making it shimmer in the light. I just wanted her…to be mine, mine in the sense that I could hold her when ever I wanted, be the one she was with, and be there to support her. I wanted to be the ONLY one.
I wonder sometimes if she loves him, I wonder if I'm just some bit on the side… I mean, a bit of fun. For me this is the real thing – she's the only one who'd ever had power to bring me to this – this mess. I need her!
Right now, right this minuet I want her with me.
Reaching for the phone, I dialed the number – and waited for an answer. After each tone, I took a light breath – until she answered, I hared her voice. "Catherine" she spoke. I had no idea what to say back, I just sat there, light breaths was all that I could manage. "Hello?" She asked. Come on Sidle, say something, say anything. I don't know what made her say it, what gave me away but something did – "Sar…is that you?" he tone had altered.
Hearing her say my name broke me, "I…" stopping short of anything I just took a swig of the bottle – as tears made my way down me cheek.
"Sara baby…listen to me… I'm really…really…"
"Shut up" I tell her, "Shut the hell up…" I cough a little from the burning after taste left. Maybe this wasn't the right move. Maybe, but I just couldn't sit and wait any longer. "I… need you" I tell her.
"Sara…you been drinking?" I here her ask me, asking me if I'd had a drink. Hah.
"why did you do Cat?"
"Sar baby…" She begins, "I'm so sorry"
"No…" I tell her. Even I'm aware that my words are all merged together and nothing makes sense – this is what she does to me. "I need you here"
"I'll be there" She says, "I'll be there Sar…" Before she has a chance to say sorry again, or finish my name I cut the call off. Throw the phone to the table and reach for the photo off my lap. Something comes over me when I lock eyes and causes me to throw the frame across the room.
"Sara, baby" She gasped s soon as I pulled open the door. And to be honest if I was her I probably would have to. I was a mess. Drunk, angered mess, and she was the one who did this too me. I pulled back away from her, she just walked into my apartment. I walked back into the living area, falling back onto the sofa. I was beyond drunk now – I had been drinking none stop for a few days – I was in a state that she'd never seen before. I hope this was hurting her as much as she hurt me the other night. I could see her, looking over the scene, looking at my living conditions and know why she's speechless. There are pills across the table – sleeping pills, pain killers along with empty beer bottles and spirits laid out. Easy access along with photo's of the two of us. "Shit" She growled. Throwing her jacket to the chair she pushed a hand threw her hair.
"Have a beer" I tell her. Not ask, tell.
"I think you've had enough for the two of us" She says. I lent forward not liking her tone.
"What you don't like it when the roles are reversed Cath? That it?"
"No I don't like seeing you like this" she spoke slowly as if trying to gage just what was going on. Did I want an argument with her? Did I call her here to forgive her? To be honest not even I know the answer to that question.
"Too bad" I tell her leaning back on the sofa.
Silence fills the room as I sit and continue to drink. She just looks down at the floor waiting to see my next move. Eventually I break it and speak – "I don't like been this person" I tell her.
She doesn't know what to say to that. I let out an angered laugh, "I hate this person…but you forced me into it. What…" My voice faults as I stop, a lump in my throat, I look up to her. "You pushed me to far the other night"
She nods her head.
"I shouldn't have done it, I'd drunk too much, I was getting over a crazy night…"
"Drunk too much? That's your excuse…well God damn it…I've drank to much but If I pinned you up against my wall telling you how I need you to show me your better than some guy I'm fucking – you wouldn't take it as an excuse. Would you?"
"I was wrong" She spoke quietly.
"Yeah you fucking were" I tell her as I place my empty beer bottle down and reach for the scotch. "I…never thought you could hurt me this bad" I let out a laugh, "How wrong was I huh?"
Catherine reached forward and took my hand, "Sara…you have to listen to me. That wasn't me, I was drunk that night. This is me now, and I'm so sorry."
I look into her eyes, and see pain, sorrow…
"I hate you" I tell her bluntly.
My words hurt.
"I hate you so much…but I still love you" I tell her. "How fucking stupid am I"
"Don't do this" She says, "Don't do this to yourself. I fucked up big don't hurt yourself"
"You want me to stop?" I ask,
"I'll do anything to make us okay again, anything." She says.
"How can you make it okay?" I shout.
"I haven't stopped thinking about you Sara, I've sat out side the god damn apartment for so long. I want to make it better but I can't…there is nothing that I can do to show you how sorry I am" She moved forward moving her palm to my leg. Even though I wanted her to make me feel better, to make it okay again I couldn't.
I closed my eyes trying to block everything out but was met with images of her and Eddie. I lashed out, "Don't…please don't…." I push her hand away and stand up from the sofa. She sits back a little shocked at my out burst. "I need you to end it with him…I need you to finish Cath. I thought I could do it but I can't…I can't do it."
"Sara…I can't"
"Well I can't do this…you still love him." I accused as I stumbled and crashed into the side table in my apartment knocking the photos and phone to the floor. "You love him…admit it" I growled so loud that even I was shocked. Then I threw my bottle at the wall. Catherine shot up from her seat, and backed up – she was so scared.
I got it, the moment I threw the bottle I understood what I was doing. She was scared of me. I was acting like him. I was drunk and violent. What have I done –
"please" She says low, hurt.
Is this what he does, makes her beg and cry. I hate myself right now.
A cold, empty silence fills between us and this, this moment is all that I need to know this is the worst of our many arguments. This is by far the worst. I just stand in the middle of the room – and begin to cry myself – hot tears, hot anger. I collapse, backwards sliding down the back wall. She doesn't know what to do – what I'll do. For a moment she just stands there but it isn't long till I feel her holding me. She's crouched at my side and she pulls me into her chest holding me to her. I try and pull free at first but I then give in. I love her, I need her…
Here we are the two of us sat in the corner of my apartment crying – holding each other. "I'm sorry" I mumble.
"no!" She says firmly through her tears, "I'm sorry… I'll never hurt you like that again Sar"
"Don't make promise you can't keep Cath…" I tell her softly. After a few moments I shift slightly pushing my head into her neck – "I'm to drunk to talk" I tell her.
She move her hand to my back, soothing me with her breath on my skin – I now hate myself because when I threw that bottle she looked at me with fear. I never want her to fear me again. I don't want her to hate me.
TBC...thanks guys
