Fixing a Pipe Has Led me to Discover That I am the Most Powerful Being in the Universe, After Being Transported to a Kingdom Where All Royalty is Scantly-Clad, Mamma Mia That's a Lot of Nudity

Chapter 1: The Nothing Man

Beginning AN:

I wanted to just write something stupid and short for once. I mean there's A n' Z (some other project I'll get to right after this chapter) but it's not quite as short or stupid as this.

For a variety of reasons I'm kind of nervous about posting this but then again it's less embarrassing than what I've already published in my teenage years. My Total Drama fanworks and my "first" Homestuck Phrase were dark times. Very dark times indeed.

Believe it or not I started writing this before the announcement of the Switch version and Bowser's Fury. Like, less than a week before. For some reason it was toying around with trying to make a boss rush level in Mario Maker 2 that eventually lead to this crack idea.


Luigi was going around minding his business when he saw something out in the grass.

It looked like a Warp Pipe, but it was completely clear.

Huh. Luigi always wondered exactly how those things worked. What they looked like from the inside to the outside, the works. He walked up to it-

And had somebody pop out an instant later: A gorgeous (gorgeous) woman with green hair parted down the middle and poofed out to the sides, and emerald eyes that sparkled with tears that were just forming. She was wearing nothing but what looked like a barely-even bikini made out of... grass shavings? It barely covered her absurdly hourglass figured body. Actually, no. It looked more like someone threw up a cluster of cut grass and it just-so-happened to stick to small spots on her boobs and between her legs, and virtually nowhere else.

"Oh, you have to help me!" She cried. "I am the last Sprixie Princess who has yet to be captured by a foul beast! A beast from another world has captured my six fellow Princesses and-" She gasped and looked down. "Oh! OH NO! It's him! He found a way here!"

She slipped out of the pipe and landed on her front (chest actually), then desperately climbed up to a stand and tried to run. Black smoke with blood red highlights started oozing out of the clear pipe behind her, and soon, someone else came out.

An admittedly handsom redhead man in a white suit popped out. To be specific. Oh yeah and he had a big, spiky turtle shell on his back.

"ALRIGHT LITTLE MISSY!" He roared. "YOU'VE ESCAPED THE GREAT BOWSER, BUT NOT FOR LONG!"

He held a kind of magic wand. A bright gold scepter, with a gemstone shaped like a diamond at the tip, with little sparkles of various colors. Red, orange, yellow, cyan, blue, and violet. He threw some kind of magic-fireball from that wand, hitting the grass-clad woman, and making a bottle form around her. Green light came from the bottle, and his wand gained green sparkles it too.

"HELP ME!" The Sprixie Princess screamed as she was dragged off through the pipe by the redhead.

Oh yeah, Luigi knew that redhead. His name was Bowser. Okay, you're all caught up:

He dove in after them.


The pipe sent him through some kind of acid trip pink 'between the worlds' place that was completely irrelevant to the plot so I'll just skip to the next spot, it was a clear ride that ended with him going out of another 'glass' Warp Pipe, landing him in some grassy field.

He stood up. The pipe disappeared behind him, puffing away in pinkish smoke. The journey was on, first through the seemingly innocent grass lands, but through-

Luigi looked ahead and saw a massive green castle in the distance. That was probably his best bet.

It turned out it was his best bet when he heard that green-haired... grass ruler? Or something calling for help: "HELP!"

He was on it.

The actual trip to the castle was boring. He made it just by hopping over a few gaps and running up and down some hills. Some more Goombas, basically this story's sort of "RPG-verse goblins" that he already knew about, were in his way but never for long.

Oh yeah Goombas in this story just looked like goblins with brown mushroom symbols on their loincloths.

Anyway, the castle itself.

In the main room, proudly licking the glass bottle containing that former-sole escapee of the Sprixie Princesses, was some nut-looking guy with wild hair dyed(?) every possible color and sticking in every possible direction. Also, he had a ponytail. And wore some kind of orange 'evil knight' armor. He carried a wand with a glowing green gem in the middle.

"HOW'DYA DO?!" He asked. "THE NAME'S LEMMY!"

"You there!" Luigi shouted. "Let her go!"

"...What, do you really think I'll just say 'yes' and let her out of the bottle?"

Luigi froze in place. "Well, no, I just-"

"Hah! Take my balls! It's funny because you think I'm talking about something else but I'm talking about my bouncing yellow-orange balls made with my magic wand! And 'magic wand' could also mean something dirty but it doesn't!"

Luigi didn't really want to answer that.

Doing what he did best (or so he thought, but that's coming up pretty soon), Luigi made a leap over to Lemmy, boots ready to give out some pain.

BOING!

His feet found themselves making contact with one of those balls. Yellow with orange stars on them. Right from the magic wand, spawned below him. Luigi jumped again.

BOING!

And again.

BOING!

Okay, Lemmy was fast. Every single jump was met with a ball, then a violent push-back.

"I- I CAN'T GET NEAR HIM!" Luigi cried out.

"YES YOU CAN!" Yelled the Princess. "I could tell from when we met! You... you have the Power of the Void!"

"The wha-?"

"Or, the Abilities of Nothing! Party Mode!"

"How do I do that?"

"Just do absolutely nothing, and it will come to you."

Naturally even he had to give a complete 'no, that's BS' look to the Sprixie Princess after hearing that. And a suspicious stare at his enemy.

"Do I have to do it while he's trying to kill me?" Luigi asked.

"YES! That's how you get it to work!"

Naturally, he wasn't thrilled about trying that out.

"Please at least try it!" The woman with green hair begged him to do.

"Okay! I will?"

He took in a deep breath-

"Just stand still and be motionless."

And closed his eyes.

"Your eyes can be open. You can breathe and blink."

Lemmy was still giving Luigi a completely deranged grin. Charging at him, he created an especially large ball, and that ball turned in to black iron, growing silver-colored spikes from it.

Luigi still stayed in one place. And then-

He felt something. Time appeared to freeze - nothing was moving except him.

And even then, he wasn't moving. His body, anyway.

What he 'moved' was his spirit, a blue, translucent image of himself at the moment. Also, naked. It turned out that that thing in movies and TV of your soul looking like you down to the clothes wasn't true. The other thing in some other things where you are naked in soul form was- yeah you get the idea.

His spirit began floating up to a light in the sky. The only other thing that was moving. Luigi was overwhelmed with light, but none of it hurt his eyes.

"Congratulations." A voice entered his head directly. The deep, booming voice of someone who sounded like an ominous man. "You have passed the Trial of Courage, and unlocked access to Party Mode. The Power of the Void."

Luigi('s spirit form?) could barely let out a "Wha-" before he was forcefully shot back down in to his body, and a blinding glow came from him. Time resumed.

"That's it!" His fairy-like guide called out to him. "Now just keep doing nothing!"

"Uh- do I-?!"

"Yes!"

"Can I talk?"

"Of course you can! Talking isn't doing anything!"

That didn't seem right but whatever. So, if he had just talked to an enemy, that would have activated that? While the enemy was attacking him?

Anyway Lemmy's spiked ball was still heading towards him. It was rolling really slowly. Luigi could have dodged it if it wasn't for that 'Nothing Mode' or whatever it was called-

Then his clothes ripped off and disappeared. He began to glow. Luigi did find himself being made 'more modest...' slightly. Stuff just materialized around him, but it wasn't much: only a small ribbon around his crotch, making him look like an extremely crude joke about... something something, 'wrapping a present.' Also, his hair was tied up in two small braids, held with bands that each had pairs of dice on them.

He felt awake. Alive. Energized. Like he should just move like crazy.

But yeah take the advice of some random woman only wearing grass (wait then again Luigi at that point STOPPED being in ANY position to judge fashion, even if he was shoved in that unwillingly. Was she shoved in that unwillingly? Actually, I'll leak the answer: no) and just not do anything. Even with a giant ball of death coming right towards him-

A white line went down the ball, and it was split clean in half.

"...Huh?" Luigi asked.

"That's it!" the Princess cheered. "Just... keep standing still!"

"Wha- NOBODY has broken my balls before! Especially not my BLACK BALLS! With spikes. Grr... DIE! Moustache guy!"

He began casting more spiked balls left and right, yet every single one of them was sliced, tossed away, or blown up by some unseen force.

Then one ball was shot back so that it hit Lemmy square on the head, knocking him off his throne that was conveniently in front of a pit, also conveniently deep enough to knock him out upon landing but not deep enough to kill him. His green wand was sent flying in to Luigi's direction.

"Okay now you can move, the enemy is gone. Move your hand and grab that." Said the Princess. "The wand is tied to my magic energy, and this bottle for some reason. You can free me with a simple shake."

"...I beat that guy?" Luigi asked.

He tried shaking the wand a little-

Oh, there he goes, the bottle broke. And the Princess happily ran up to him-

A little fast, he was caught off guard. And she took him in to a hug-

Jeez. He just realized how... well to be crass and a bit inaccurate, how dangerously close that was to having sex, considering the state of attire both of them were in.

"Uh-uh-uh alright! I-"

"I'm going to build the path to the next castle now! Oh, my name is Esmeralda, by the way!"

She ran to the outside of the castle, Luigi following.

Oh yeah, and while he was running out, his 'Power of the Void' wore off and he was thankfully back in- oh, no, guess not, see his 'clothes' disappeared in flashes of light and he just assumed that he'd get his original green hat, shirt, and blue overalls back, but no he guessed those clothes were gone forever.

Spoiler alert, they weren't, but more on that later.


So then Esmeralda took out a giant, metallic wrench from-

...Wait.

Even though Luigi was looking right at her, he had no idea where she got it from. The best description he had for that went like this: she reached a hand behind her back, grabbed on to thin air behind her back, 'lifted' her hand as though she was already holding on to it but wasn't for a few instances, and one instant the wrench wasn't in her hand, the next it was. Like she was wearing some kind of invisible backpack. That also made the contents inside invisible until the moment they came out. And arms going in were still visible.

Anyway, the wrench began glowing, and she struck the ground with it. That action was when Luigi finally saw for himself that she had absolutely nothing covering her rear, with that already-skimpy grass 'costume.'

There was a rumble, and then another one of those glass-looking warp pipes showed up, over the ocean. Linking that grassy island to a yellow, sandier one.

"Okay, so, to make sure I'm not kidnapped again, we have to travel through that pipe together!" Cheered Esmeralda.

"Wait, I thought we were already travelling together!"

"No, I mean together together. Like this. Here,"

She pulled him in to another hug and pressed him up against her. Something something, boingy boobs on his chest. You've probably read or seen that a gazillion times by now.

Anyway, she kind of did some weird move where she fell towards her back with Luigi still in grip, then kinda kicked at the ground like a skateboarder, shooting them to the pipe.

Holy crap it was hard fitting just the two of them together like that. He really hoped that the other six Princesses wouldn't try that too.

He was wrong about that.


Closing AN:

"Ew why does Luigi have to be naked too" because equality, that's why. "Why is Luigi the hero" because of the "Luigi wins by doing absolutely nothing" meme. Which may or may not be dead, but I've never let that stop me.

I think I've decided at some point that most of what I write is just either going to be massive novels or shitposts, with virtually no in-between. Speaking of the latter, I kind of have a 'queue' of what comes after this: I'm gonna get out the first chapter of A n' Z, then finally get to the first chapter of the revised Bl:oodswap (actually one of the few in-betweens), and then after that I'm putting BS on hold this time for sure until we find out more about the lime caste in Homestuck (it's crucial to the plot and I'm sick of saying "this is going on hold until lime power reveal and why they were killed" and then backing up on that; plus with me getting more invested in the "massive novels" especially over on Fictionpress I've gotten much "better" at putting things off, but this time I'll have an excuse to keep it on hold for a while) and I might alternate between chapters of this and Chapters of A n' Z. Actually, the potential Hair Idealization rewrite/expansion should be somewhere up there. Hrm, I'll think about this a bit more tomorrow. But anyway, I will say that out of everything in this sort of 'queue,' the chapters of this will almost certainly be the shortest and dumbest (this might actually be one of the longest chapters, I'm not sure) so I might just burn through all of this after the first chapter of A n' Z and Bl:oodswap (but I don't want to just burn through all of this and then go through AZ and BS, I wanted to get BS out of the way for sure and I promissed myself mostly as like punishment for something dumb that I'd put AZ on higher priority).

"How long will this be?" Well I think it's pretty obvious even just from this that there's gonna be one chapter per world of the vanilla game. I will tell you right now that this is not going to bog itself down with lots of "parts" or whatnot, there will be no "World 2 Part 7: A Rope of Sand," "World 2 Part 8, It Turns Out the Rope Leads to Hell and Now We're Going on a Tournament Arc." Part of the reason why I went through with this was because I wanted to push myself to write shorter chapters, and by proxy shorter stories in general. If you look through my stuff in chronological order you'd easily see that my chapters get longer and longer on average, per genre. I also will tell you that the chances of this unironically turning in to the very thing it's making fun of are very low.

(EEEEY. That was probably the first time I have ever posted anything on the Internet that suggests that I am even remotely familiar with Clone High. It's kind of a shame really, like I should have made that debut with some kind of Quimby-JFK joke since JFK's the biggest meme on that show and Quimby's my own little "Meme Man" out of the Simpsons characters.)

By the way don't picture the Sprixie Princesses as their in-game Toadfaces on adult bodies. Just picture, like, seven lazy Peach recolors. That was what I was trying to imply by describing her eyes and stuff. Or actually just picture like that they all took the damn Super Crown, except that in this universe that's their default appearance.

Since I feel like tackling this subject of dumb harem-otherworld stuff in weird "parody" form might raise this question and speaking of things I've never even mentioned being aware of until this very point: "Fan what do you think about Konosuba" to be completely honest unlike stuff like Jojo and Rick and Morty that I legitimately am interested in trying out later I don't really feel like doing that with this based on what I heard about it. Like, the biggest complaint I've seen is that the humor is repetitive and the main characters are kinda stagnant and I'm sorry but I just hate comedies like that.

This goes without saying but I don't own the Mario series, if I did and published this then long story short I wouldn't own it anymore after Nintendo sees it. Mario is property of Nintendo and is created by Shigeru Miyamoto.