Part 4

My neck was aching; my heart was pounding and my stomach tightening. A hangover, that is just great. I'm not sure of the time; I just know that I'm not alone. It's Catherine who is sat beside me with her arms around my waist. I can heart her steady breathing, her soft fingers funning over my skin. Slowly I open my eyes, but I stay as still as I can. After a few moments I move my hand and place it on hers that is on my stomach – interlinking our fingers. I just what to touch her. I can still remember, it all – everything I said to her, I did to her.

"Hey" her voice was raspy; it must have been from the crying.

I don't trust my own voice so I just turn my head and rest my cheek against her shoulder, I move my other arm around her waist. "How long have you been here?"

"a few hours" She explains. It was dark outside. It is a good job that we had a night off tonight. Well I had a night off I'm not sure about Catherine. Either she called in sick – or just hasn't showed up. "How do you feel?" She questions.

"like I drank way too much" I explained. Then after a few minuets I spoke "I reminded you of him didn't I?"

Catherine shifts uncomfortably, she moves her arm a little- she doesn't want to do this. "Sar"

"I did, when I threw the bottle – you were scared of me. Did you think I was going to hit you?"

"Look, stop" She says. "I know you would never hurt me"

"How? How do you…" I want to know what makes her so sure.

"I just do. I trust you." She explained harshly. This was a subject she wasn't happy talking about.

"I don't" I tell her. I feel more than sick now "We need to talk"

"Later. When you're sober"

"Are you staying?" I ask her, I'm unsure of the answer that she will give me.

"yeah"
"Work?" I ask.

"Pulled a sick-y"

That's going to piss her husband off. Big time, But I was too tired of worrying about him, I needed her with me. "I need you" I tell her.

"You have me" she assures.

No, I don't.

"Why did you do it?" I ask. The pain is deafening to my own ears.

She knows exactly what I am on about "Honestly, I don't know. I came out of a privet session with some guy who took it too far, got a little rough. All night I wanted you, to be the one with me but you never were. It was some creep- who I had to please. Then, when I walked in and saw you, I lost it – I just…I don't have any excuse for what I did. I'm a fuck up, I hurt you, and you'll never know how sorry I am."

"You were a different person. Your eyes, your hands… what did you do Catherine?"

"I'd had too much to drink"

I turned around, so that I was facing her – "I've seen you drink it doesn't do that to you" I say forcefully.

She looks down, "I feel sick ever time I think of what I did. If you don't want to see me again I'll understand…I mean all that I'm doing is causing you pain."

I took hold of her wrists, "I've had a whole lot worse than that done to me in the past Cath, and I'm not losing you over it. But don't think I'll take it off you again. You ever hurt me like this again, I'm walking…and I mean that."

She lent forward taking hold of my waist, "I'll never do it to you again"

I nod my head, I know that we'll talk about this more when I'm not so intoxicated but right now I just want her with me. I lean forward and move my lips to hers – pressing tightly into her I run my tongue reassuringly over her quivering bottom lip. I can feel her break down, and begin to cry. "Please don't hate me Sar" she murmured against my lips. I pushed her back to the sofa genteelly and lay at her side just holding her.


Waking up I noticed that she wasn't with me anymore – I was alone. Passed out on m sofa. Not a nice site – even if I say so myself. And here we go – the alcohol kicks in. Mocking me while I'm down huh? Yeah well can't say I don't deserve it. With little hesitation I swung my legs from the sofa and stumbled may way threw the apartment towards the bathroom knocking into every wall and table on my way. Good morning Sara – yeah right!

I was lent into my toilet throwing up anything that my stomach held –and like I've said so many times before this stuff tasted much better going down than it did coming up. I can't help but feel it's a waist of good alcohol – ah hell, who am I kidding it's the effects that I pay for in the first place. I really couldn't tell you if I tried how long I had been in this position – but I suddenly felt someone take hold of my waist with one arm to support me as the other hand held the hair back from my face. "Shush, it'll be okay" Catherine, I'd know that voice anywhere. I lent into her as I continued to be sick happy that I wasn't alone but not happy she was seeing me in this state.

A few minuets later I was sitting with my back against the wall in my bathroom on the cool tiles with her running a cool damp cloth over my neck and face. I was totally exhausted, how ever it was nothing that a good shower wouldn't cure, and she was certainly helping!

"Can't help feeling this is my fault" Catherine softly spoke as she began to help take my shirt off.

"I dealt with it all wrong" I explained, leaning back on the wall and looking up into her eyes, "and that includes calling you last night"

"You regret calling me here?" she asked.

I nodded my head "Yeah, because I called you to have ago, I called you so I could hurt you as bad as you hurt me." I explained truthfully. Now that I wasn't tanked up on spirits and beer I knew exactly what I was saying.She didn't say anything to that just looked down. I knew I'd succeeded in that task – I had hurt her.

Moving my hand to her face I just ran my thumb over her cheek, "Can we talk later? I don't think I can do this now Cath" I explain. She just nodded her head. But to reassure her I wasn't about to break it all off I pulled her to me on kissed her cheek.

"Do you need me to help you?" She asks.

I smile, "Anything to get me out of my cloths huh?" I ask as I struggle to stand. She helped me up – then we were stood face till face. "I'll be out in a minuet"

She nodded her head with understanding. I just needed time alone – after I went crazy on her last night I just needed to pull myself together.


Walking from my bedroom, now dressed in worn jeans and a fitted tank top I had the towel draped over my shoulders. Having dried my hair and applied some make up at least I now looked a little more sane – a little less of a mess. I reached the living area to see Catherine sat on the coffee table – she was looking down at something. Slowly I walked over towards her – she still had no idea I was there.

"That was a good day huh? Down at the lake." I offered softly.

She nodded her head, "Yeah…"

The frame was cracked, the photograph that I'd thrown across the room yesterday – "thanks for helping me out in there"

"No problem"

"You didn't have to clean up out here…" I tell her as I sit down on the chair at the side of the sofa seeing she's cleared my apartment of the empty bottles, pills box - pills – "…you should have left it." I lent forward and reached for my boots that were under the table and put them on.

"I couldn't sit looking at it all… I don't like been the reason you did this" she explains.

I sigh, "Honestly, you're not the only reason… I think I have a problem with it all" I tell her, I mean I have got a problem – with drinking, and the only way I get sleep is the pills. "I'm sorry I brought you over last night when I was in the middle of all this"

"I'm not" She explained, she hadn't stopped looking at the photo of the two of us, "I didn't think you were going to ever call me…I thought I'd lost you"

"I didn't call because I…I don't know how we deal with this Cat…I don't know what you want me to say. I can't tell you I'm okay with it, because I'm not. I can't pretend it didn't happen because …it did" I finished lacing up my second boot and then I look over to her.

"I don't expect you to forget about it…"

"What do we do now?" I ask, "I mean - do we continue how we have been?"

"I really don't know…"

For some reason I'm been pulled into my past, back to when I was a kid. I remember been sat there at the kitchen table – my mom with her back to me at the stove – my brother sat at my side. There was silence, there always was after one of these episodes. The night before my mom and dad had a fight and she'd taken his fist to her face yet again, another black eye. Now here she was cooking him breakfast as if nothing had happen. He'd apologized again and she'd taken the apology, again. How many times can a person say sorry?

"Where are you?" She breaks into my thoughts, now she's turned so she is sat in front of me.

"Nowhere" I shrug it off. Then a silence falls over us, until I speak up – her eyes hold so much. "Are you happy?" I ask.

"Right now?"

"No, in general- I mean, with how things are?" I correct knowing that right now neither one of us is happy.

"I'm a stripper, who is married to someone who beats me every night and I am fucking the only thing good in my life up. The only thing that I'm happy about is when I'm with you and I can't even get that right." She explains sadly.

"He's no good for you Catherine" I tell her.

"Do we have to do this again?" she asks me, once again trying to avoid having this conversation.

"Yeah we do" I growl. No, I don't want to argue with her. I take a deep breath, "Just tell me why you keep going back to him?"

"Because…with out him I lose my job, I lose everything I have"

"But with him you're losing me, and everything I can offer"

"What are you saying? Are you ending this?" She asked me, fearfully.

"No. I don't know what I'm saying"

"If I could I'd leave him" She explained. She keeps saying that. IF she could, but what's stopping her really. She could get a strip gig in ay joint – it's Vegas for fuck sake.

Right now, I don't care. I may be weak, may be letting her treat me like shit but I love her – "This isn't how it was meant to be" I tell her.

"What?"

"I wasn't meant to have a life this fucking complicated." I growled.

After a few moments silence, "take my hand …"

I look at her like she's gone crazy. But I reach out and hold her hand, "I've come too close to losing you… I never want to feel this again. I'll never purposely hurt you like that again Sar"

I don't know why but, something in me clicks. I look into her eyes and see it – regret- I pull her towards me, forcing her to stop speaking when I pressed my lips into hers. She was sat in my lap, my one hand around her back as the other rested on her waist. Now I understand why people forgive, why they pretend nothing happened – because for me it's too fucking difficult to talk about, to try and work out what it means to me. I've got to a point where I don't care…I don't give a damn. I can't keep fighting with her because that hurts more than what she did. "Don't hurt me again?" I ask.

She opens her eyes, looking at me as though I've gone crazy – she was ready for a fight but I wasn't up for another. "I won't" She murmurs.

This is good enough for me, right now – it's good enough. I attack her again with my mouth crashing into hers. She moves one of her hands pushing her fingers into my hair. Lifting her with little effort I pushed her onto the sofa before moving on top of her – a heated make out session following. My hands exploring her curves through her clothes, no talking anymore, just her showing my how sorry she was, me showing her how sorry I was. Fifteen minuets into it I had undone her shirt and was giving attention to her neck when I felt a vibrating on my thy – her phone.

I look up at her, locking eyes when I slowly move my hand and take out her mobile – I look at the flashing name. My heart sinks – Eddie.

I kiss her one last time before I hand it to her. Even though I don't want her to answer it, I want her to cut off the call, I know that she can't do that. She is his wife.

"Fuck…Sara…wait" She curses, I just walk away. Then she tries to steady her breathing before answering…

"Hey baby" she says.

I can't stand and listen to this, one thing I can't do is listen to her talk to him. So I leave, I walk off into the kitchen area and reach out for the coffee machine. What the hell was I doing? I set myself up for hurt.

"I couldn't go in last night…okay. I'm out…I'll be home later…later, fine!" She shouts and cuts off the call. Then she waists no time, "Sara…I'm sorry…"

"It's okay" I tell her, "I've got used to it Cath, not like it's something new is it?"

"You shouldn't have to get used to it" She growls.

"I knew what I was getting into" I see her, her hair tossed, her face flushed and her shirt half undone – walking forward I forgot about the coffee as I pushed my hands in her shirt holding her waist – "and I know that I need you"

She moves her hand down my body, and pushed them into my back pockets and then as I began to kiss her neck she moved her hands up, under my shirt and ran her fingers softly over my skin raking her fingers softly as I gripped tightly to her and lifted her up onto my counter top. "Make me forget!" I whispered lowly, a husky growl. She wrapped her legs around my waist as I pushed her shirt from her – as she pulled me into a smoldering kiss. With kisses like that she could make me forget anything.


tbc...thanks for the reviews, they keep me smiling :)

more soon i hope