It Has To Be Okay

Disclaimer: I don't own anything officially related to Supernatural.

A/N: Not surprising, this goes along with It's Not Okay and It Will Be Okay

oooOOOooo

Sam sat on the porch outside Bobby's house. It was late, but the full moon was bright and shone down on the junk cars in the yard. Dean's car, his beloved Impala, was one of those junk cars. After being hit by a semi-truck, Bobby said it wasn't even worth a tow, but Sam hadn't taken no for an answer. He told Bobby as long as there was one working part…

Dean had worked on the car for hours every day, and it still looked like crap. He wouldn't let Sam help; not that Sam knew all that much about cars. When he offered, it was primarily to feel a connection to his brother. There was a lot of distance since John's death – at a time when they should be pulling together, they were more apart than they'd ever been. Even when Sam was in school and they were separated by thousands of miles, the younger brother felt closer to Dean.

Sam missed his father. He still couldn't believe John was dead. There were so many things left unsaid… and too many of the wrong things said.

Dad, I'm sorry. I spent so much time being mad at you – and for what? You did the best you could. You never wanted Mom to die; you never wanted to become a hunter. But I didn't understand that until it was too late.

I never hated you. Please don't think I hated you.

I don't know what to do now. I feel like I should do what you'd want, but I – I don't know what that is. And like Dean said, it's too little too late. But I feel so guilty, Dad. So much wasted time… And Dean.

Dad, I'm worried about him. He spends all day with the car and he won't let me help. I don't think he even works on it most of the time he's out there. I think he's just avoiding me and trying to hide from his pain. He's not okay, Dad, and I don't know what to do about that. I don't know how to help him.

I know what he did to the Impala. I went outside to talk to him; to tell him he was right about me trying to make things right with you. I told him I wasn't okay and that I knew he wasn't – he just looked at me. I've never seen him look at me like that before. I mean, I know he doesn't like to talk about his feelings, but he'll usually let me talk to him. Not now. Not about this. It was like he was looking right through me.

After I walked away, I heard the window shatter. He beat the hell out of the car – his car. Your car.

I don't understand what happened. I think the demon got to you somehow – we'll figure it out, though, Dad. We'll fix it. I just wish I could fix us; you and me. God, I hope you know I never hated you.

It's not okay right now, Dad. But it has to be. And Dean has to be okay because I don't know what I'd do if –

Dad, I miss you. And I'm sorry.