Summary: Wherein negotiations are concluded, a few things are explained, and the big show is planned.
Notes: Hmm... nothing really to say. I like Andy's reaction, though. Heh.
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Chapter Four: Nothing Up My Sleeve
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"DO YOU HEAR ME! GET BACK HERE AND EXPLAIN THIS TO ME!"
"Andy!" Lyssa ran up to him. "What the hell are you gibbering about! We're supposed to be some sembalance of inconspicuousness, don't you remember? Do you recall telling me before we got here, 'Now, Lyssa, don't be an idiot, don't draw attention to yourself, let's keep our freedom for another day or two?' Do you REMEMBER that!"
"I-- Lyssa, he's an alien or something! I am serious!" Andy was shaking, and Lyssa realized something had happened. "He's-- I don't know what he is, I don't know if he's even-- what the hell is the word I'm loking for-- even mortal! I--"
"Andy. Pull yourself together. What happened?"
"I..." He opened the door of the TARDIS. "Right. Looks like a box, yeah?"
"'Course it looks like a box. It's a box."
"Except it isn't. Let's see if it'll still do it. In all the stories, it always stops working at exactly the worst possible time, so let's see if it actually still does it." He climbed into the box, and tapped at the back wall hesitantly. "Good, it's still doing it. Come on."
"Andy, it's just a fake back. They put in another wall in front of the real one to make a secret compartment."
"Really?" Andy walked through the wall, pulling Lyssa behind him.
"It's a--" Lyssa stopped.
"Best. Secret compartment. Ever," said Andy, waving around at the TARDIS control room. "Hell of an illusion, eh?"
"I..." Lyssa stared around. "What the hell is this?"
"That's what I was asking. Hysterically. At high volume. Not my proudest moment, but I think it's justifiable." He shook his head. "Don't break anything. He'll blame me, I just know it."
"But... where are we?"
"Again. What I was asking. He wasn't exactly forthcoming. You might've noticed how he didn't say anything at all."
"...Are these controls?"
"I don't know. He told me not to break anything. I'm paranoid about it now. 'Cause he could probably turn me inside out or dump me into outer space or something. So please be careful."
Lyssa poked at a lever. A screen lit up with a message saying, Please do not push that lever again. She backed away, slowly. "What do you think this is?"
"I dunno. That's what I was asking. Some sort of, of ship, of machine, of something seriously fricking insane..."
"How did we get here?"
"I don't know. But I think that box thing is an illusion. I mean-- watch. Come over here to this door."
She did. "What are you--"
"A step closer."
She obeyed, and gasped as the blue particleboard shimmered into existence around them. "How--!"
"It's an illusion that comes up when you get too close to the door. See?" He stepped back, and it disappeared. "So from the outside it looks like a box. That's how the trick worked, you see? He closed the door, I stepped back into this, and when he opened the door, it looked like I was gone. You see?"
"Well, no..."
"Neither do I, yeah, stupid question. But oh, when that jerk gets back here..."
"Oh, yes. Let's-- let's get the hell out of here." She pushed open the door-- and, thank god, found the street there exactly as they'd left it. "That was..."
"Yeah. How long d'you think he'll be?"
"Doing paperwork? God only knows..."
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"A patriotic duty," Cirelli said, looking soberly into his eyes.
Ah. I figured it'd be something like that. He cocked his head at him with a scientific curiousity.
"These people are subversives, and they are criminals. Some are only free because of legal technicalities. All are criminals who are a danger to the public. But we can't arrest them. And you can help us."
"You're sure this is legal?"
"...Yes. Perfectly legal."
"And you'll pay me."
"It's exactly like bounty-hunting. There's a baseline per-head, and particularly heinous criminals will net you more."
"Right. So, apprehending criminals. Isn't that dangerous?"
"Isn't that the only reason we'd pay you for doing it?"
The Doctor made a mental note to make some serious inquiries into the state of the water supply in this city. "What happens to them?"
"That would depend on their crime."
"But they haven't been sentenced. And why go to all this trouble if you were going to just let 'em out?"
"It depends on the crime," he said again, cooly. "You will escort them to our detention facility. You will be paid for this. What more do you need to know?"
"Where the detention facility is?"
Cirelli sighed and pased him a packet of papers. "One is a list of names and pictures. The other will tell you were the facility is. The last are your credentials. If you lose any of this, in any way, for any reason, you will be apprehended. The penalty will be severe."
"Wouldn't doubt it."
"Right." Cirelli rose. "I believe our business has been concluded, Mr. Houdini."
Silly to hire people as agents when you can't even know their real names... it's a miracle they've managed this long. Though I suppose they do background checks eventually. Still, it's grossly negligent...
"I suppose it has," the Doctor said, amiably. "G'bye, Mr. Cirelli."
"I assume you know your way out."
Rude, but he hadn't expected anything more. He leafed quickly through the papers on his way to the elevator. Yes, Andy and Lyssa were on this list. The detention facility-- there were directions; he could get help from Lyssa on that. But at least it was a detention facility, assuming they weren't lying. If it was a detention facility, he could fix all of this by nightfall tomorrow and be gone.
If they were lying... the turnover rate would have to be astronomical to prevent him from leaving by nightfall tomorrow. If it was...
Well, that didn't bear thinking about. He'd think about it if it happened. Until then, she'd gotten out of direr straits.
Which was disturbing enough in itself, but he didn't have time to take responsibility for everything wrong in the world right now.
He got out in the lobby, waving at the receptionist who had no idea who he was. Lyssa and Andy... they were going to be in danger now, too. One life against Rose's, and all the others that were at stake... and it was a fair bargain, because they'd probably be okay, and she'd probably be okay, and all the other mitigating factors... but he was getting tired of doing equations with lives as the variables.
He walked up to the TARDIS. "Good news. Should be able to get in fine. I'll have to kidnap one of you, though; we'll have to decide which one. There's a detention facility, so they're probably all still alive-- for the moment, at least. Don't know anything else, though. That Cirelli is the most uninformative man ever."
Lyssa and Andy glanced at each other and took a breath.
"What the hell is that?" they asked as one, pointing toward the TARDIS.
"My magic box," he said. "Called the TARDIS, really. And it's the best spaceship in the universe. Considering all we're going to be asking of her tomorrow, you should probably agree loudly. Flattery rarely hurts."
"So, it's a spacehip," Lyssa said slowly.
"And also it travels in time. Why it's called the TARDIS, in fact; Time And Relative Dimensions In Space, y'see?"
"It's... bigger on the inside," Andy pointed out.
"Yep. Told you, it's special."
"And... what are you?" asked Lyssa.
"I'm from another planet," he answered cheerfully, picking up the handle on the cart. "I travel around, stumbling into messes. Explains how I wound up here."
"But, you are..." said Andy.
"Hmm?"
"...Nothing. So, what's the plan again?"
"Pretend to have captured one of you, take you to the facility, break everyone out of the facility, particularly Rose, expose the existence of the facility, and leave as quickly as possible."
"Right," said Lyssa. "Sounds good."
"Usually works for me."
"...So when you said 'nine hundred years' worth' of experience, you weren't just mocking us, were you?" Andy realized.
"Trust me, when I'm mocking you, you'll know it."
"I never understood that expression," Lyssa said suddenly. "When someone asks you if you've done something, and you say if you had, they'd know it? But they already think you're doing it, so obviously, when you are doing it, they might get it wrong. Did that make any sense?"
"Humans rarely do."
"Oh, now you're going to get all nine-hundred-year-old-all-knowing-alien on us. Just lovely." Lyssa groaned.
"Seriously. Were you people always this catty? Because the people all seemed pretty normal when I last visited here."
"I have no idea what you're talking about."
"Yeah, humans rarely do." He stopped. "Isn't this your apartment building?"
"Yeah." Lyssa glanced up at it. "So... tomorrow?"
"Right. Which means, we need to work out our magic act tonight."
"Oh. Right." Lyssa paused. "So, do you guys want to come up, or should we... I don't know..."
"We'll need a little practice," the Doctor decided. "And supplies. So."
Apartment buildings in Erina didn't usually have outside steps, so the Doctor was able to wheel the TARDIS inside the lobby (though they did have a bit of a time getting it through the doors). "Should be safe here. Unless you get a lot of robberies?"
Lyssa shook her head. "And besides, who'd steal it?"
"Because it's way too big," Andy added hastily. "And doesn't look as cool as it really, really is."
"Nice save there." The Doctor held open the door for them.
"Thanks." Andy looked around nervously. "By the way, do you have any food or anything?"
"Oh yes. C'mon; we can talk in the kitchen if you like."
"You have a kitchen?"
"And a library, a few bedrooms, a bowling green-- though I never can find that bowling green anymore-- ah well, that was more for my lunatic cricketer phase, I suppose. My ship is very special."
"I believe you," Andy said faintly, looking at the corridors the Doctor was leading them through uneasily.
"See? This is the kitchen. I'll put on some tea. Think I've got some leftovers around here somewhere..." He started rooting through cupboards.
"I think I know what the question is," Lyssa said, looking down at the table.
"Which question?"
"Which one of us disappears?"
"Ah. That question." The Doctor rummaged around.
"I'll do it," said Andy.
"No, I'll do it," Lyssa argued. "Someone has to say behind and... whatever the person who stays behind does! You're the best at rallying people around our cause or whatever the hell..."
"Yeah, but someone's got to be the assistant, right?" Andy pointed out. "I don't think anybody wants to see me in some feathery skintight thing, d'you? We want to lure in an audience, not leave 'em running away screaming..."
"Assistant?" Lyssa blinked. "Oh, no. Hell no. I am definitely gonna be the one he takes."
"Could dump you both on Barcelona," the Doctor pointed out cheerfully. "Probably a hell of a lot easier. You might like it there. Very interesting dogs."
"Look, it's terrible and it's sexist but magicians have female assistants, and I am not going up on stage in drag, not--"
"--Not if you don't get paid for it like usual?" Lyssa sniped.
"Oi! Children! This is my operation, remember? I have the magic box, I think I get to decide." He tossed a couple of sandwiches onto the table. "Right. Andy's got the bigger bounty. He goes into the box. Lyssa... we'll try not to make the costume too revealing."
"Oh, nooo," Lyssa moaned.
"Don't worry. You can choose it yourself. Ought to be something you'll like in the closet. Don't bother with the skintight, all it has to look is weird." He chuckled. "My closet, that'll be easy enough to manage..."
"Okay. so. What else is there?" Andy asked.
"The show," Lyssa snapped, obviously harboring a bad mood she intended to savor for at least two hours. "Can't just disappear you and vanish. Got to have some buildup."
"Rings," the Doctor said, producing a set from his robes. "Got a little trick with handkerchieves, went over very well on Trogador VII. Anyway, they don't have to like it... and the last act'll probably blow their socks off."
"Lovely," Lyssa muttered.
"Stop sulking and listen. Here's the plan..."
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