Summary: The day of the big show arrives.

Notes: Light on the magic tricks, I know, but hopefully the cattiness will make up for it. What can I say, I know my strengths...

Snuck in a little Latin, I'm afraid. Rather lame of me. You'll know it when you see it. Should translate to 'All these people are idiots'...

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Chapter Five: Style and Substance

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"Tough crowd," the Doctor muttered, as the very faint applause died out. "Always liked the ring trick, I did. You want something flashier, don't you? That's your problem. No appreciation of subtlety-- just want it big and flashy. Philistines. Fine. Have it your way. For my next trick, I will make a member of the audience disappear!"

A faint murmur of approval went through the crowd.

"Complete and utter uncultured twats. I'll have you know this is a dangerous little trick, here. People have gone mad. Or disappeared completely."

"Why don't you disappear completely?" someone yelled.

"I am serious, what the hell is wrong with this planet!" He shoved his handkerchieves in his pocket testily. "Catty little bipeds, all of you. Chrissa! Bring out the box for the uncultured swine!"

"I don't think you should insult the audience," Lyssa said audibly, realizing she was going to have to drag the TARDIS up a small flight of stairs.

"They bloody well started it!"

"You're supposed to be nine hundred years old, shouldn't you be a little more mature?"

"What'd be the point of that?" the Doctor scoffed. "What's the point in talking philosophy to a worm? They'll never understand it, unless you give 'em a couple million years to evolve, and by then they'll have forgotten you're even there. I know. I've tried it."

"Why don't you go give it another shot?" Lyssa suggested, tugging on the cart handle. Damn dimensionally transcendent box was heavy.

"Don't you start, now. Bunch of bratty idiots."

Lyssa rolled her eyes and pushed back her scarf. The Doctor had a large collection of strange scarves, for gods only knew what reason, and she'd chosen a red one with strange stylized green trees on it. She'd been forced to wear high boots and a miniskirt, both black, but had gotten away with wearing a strange tan coat over her tube top, for which she was eternally grateful. It wasn't normal magician's-assistant wear, but, as the Doctor had observed, that phrase was an oxymoron anyway. No one would give it a second thought until it was far too late. "Does mocking our planet make you feel better about yourself?"

"Chrissa, you know how I give you a paycheck every month? It isn't for your backtalk."

"You try lugging this damn thing up these stairs and see what kind of mood YOU'RE in!" Lyssa yelled, finally getting the cart onto the stage.

"Oi! Do not insult my magic box! That's grounds for dismissal, young lady!"

"Oh, shut up." Lyssa kicked the cart the last couple of inches to the center of the stage and sulked.

"Suddenly I realize why you all sound American," the Doctor muttered.

"Was that a lame insult of some sort?"

"Depends on who you ask and when. Now, for a volunteer." The Doctor surveyed the audience. Despite all the snide remarks about his tricks (bunch of lousy cynics), there was quite a large crowd gathered around; they must be finding something entertaining. It would've been hard to find Andy in the crowd if he hadn't borrowed Lyssa's orange hat. "You! You there in the ghastly shade of orange."

"Ghastly?" Lyssa hissed at him. "That color is not ghastly, you girly little freak!"

"'Girly little freak'? Are you suicidal? You do realize I'm a magician? Bad things tend to happen to people who make me angry."

"I'm sorry, but I don't really care. 'Sides... you'd never have the nerve."

Not for someone who was merely being bothersome, no. But it was something he was capable of, and from the look on her face, something in his eyes was showing it.

Andy finally finished fighting his way through the crowd, and ran up the stairs, to an interested cheer from the audience. "Please don't tell me you two are fighting," he muttered. "We do not need you two fighting. At least, not until we're done."

"Now, Random Spectator," the Doctor said cheerfully, pretending to size Andy up. "What's your name?"

"Andy," said Andy, glancing around at the crowd.

"Right. At this point I'm obligated to ask you a few questions. Have we ever met before?"

"No."

"Are you affiliated with me in any way?"

"No."

"Do you have any inside knowledge of how this trick works?"

Andy couldn't help smirking as he answered truthfully, "No."

"Excellent. Now, Andy, are you of strong mental constitution?"

"Uh... I hope so."

"Good. You'll need to be." The Doctor faced the audience. "For this is no mere conjurer's box. This... is a portal into another dimension."

"Yeah, sure," someone yelled.

"Silence, you silly little humans. I'm serious here. This is a door into a realm no mere mortal should enter. But because you gits are easily bored, I will put this man's sanity in jeopardy." The Doctor opened the box. "In with you."

"Uh... could I maybe--?"

"In."

"Yessir." Andy stepped in meekly.

"Now," the Doctor said. "When I close this door, this unfortunate young man will be transported to a strange and frightening realm beyond mortal imagination. You ready, Andy?"

"Uh, I think so," said Andy.

"No," the Doctor said, "you're really not." He cheerfully slammed the door. "Now Chrissa, count down with me. The transition should be complete in five seconds. Five, four, three, two, one!"

Lyssa helped him pull the door open and posed outside it, one arm in the air.

The Doctor glanced in the box. Still looked like particleboard. Andy wasn't there. Thank you. "And our volunteer has vanished!"

"It's a compartment in the back!" someone yelled.

The Doctor glared in someone's general direction. "I said silence, fool unbeliever!"

"Houdini," said Lyssa, "shouldn't we bring him back?"

"Hmm? Well. If you really think we should bother, I could do that." He blinked at her. "Seems a waste to me, though."

"Just-- just bring him back," Lyssa said wearily.

"Fine, fine, fine," the Doctor muttered. "I shall speak the ancient words of power to bring the random spectator back. Omnes Illi Homines Stultos Sunt!"

The Doctor pulled open the door-- to reveal an empty particleboard box. "What the deuce? Where's the idiot gone?"

He jumped in the box. "I bet the idiot got himself lost in that other dimension. You Abeldonians are all such imbeciles. Someone's going to have to go look for him--"

"Fine!" Lyssa cried, and slammed the door on him to great cheering from the crowd.

"I hate to do that," Lyssa said to the audience, "but he's such an ass. I mean, I've worked with magicians before. They're all arrogant, but this guy? This guy pretends he's from another planet. And not just any other planet; he has to be a nine hundred-year-old master of time and space. He drives me crazy. I've been wanting to lock him in his own stupid little box for weeks." She grinned at them. "I'm surprised he's not banging at the door, insulting our entire species and demanding to be released."

A troubled look flitted across her face. "Actually, I am surprised he's not doing that..." She paused a moment, thinking, then sighed. "I'm going to regret this," she said, and opened the TARDIS door.

The wals were blue particleboard, and the box was empty.

"What the hell?" she said, blinking. "No way two people could fit in that compartment. Houdini? Mr. Houdini? Houdini, this isn't funny..."

She stepped into the box. "It couldn't really be another dimension... No. Sorry, folks, I have to go beat the crap out of my boss. Be right back."

Lyssa closed the door behind her and walked into the TARDIS. "Can I please take off this stupid miniskirt now?"

"Not in the control room, please," said the Doctor, working at the controls. "Besides, you'll need to be in costume when we deliver Andy. Speaking of which, go tie Andy up, would you please?"

Lyssa obeyed. "Is this really a good idea?" Andy asked, reluctantly putting his hands behind his back. "I mean, actually disappearing off the stage? Ow, Lyssa! Doesn't it kind of tip our hand?"

The Doctor shrugged, with a manic grin. "Not if you're a magician. Disappearing is what magicians do, in'nit? Now, hold on tight, folks..."

"Where are we going, again?" Lyssa yelled, thrown back against the wall as the TARDIS started to disappear.

"Detention center, later tonight. We're about to skip six hours of your time. Be ready to go in, 'cos we might not have time to waste..."

Lyssa wrapped her arm around Andy's shoulder, holding him upright. "What's our plan for when we get in there?"

"Dunno yet. We'll have to wing it, really." He grinned at them. They stared back in the way people usually did when he grinned that way. It was a mix of fear, wariness, and just a little bit of hope. Mostly the first two, though.

The TARDIS settled down. "Ready?"

"No," Lyssa said. "Let's get going."

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