Author's Note
It's been a really sucky summer. I had to buy a completely new AC for my place, with money I didn't really have. Luckily, my parents paid the difference so that I can just slowly pay them back instead of getting some kind of loan with an interest rate. Definitely the better option, and I had to get the AC, the old one was truly dead, but watching my bank account go so low was seriously, seriously scary.
Save wherever possible, guys. Because you never know when life is gonna throw you a sucky curveball that you won't be able to avoid.
Anyway, onto brighter topics. Like this chapter. I'm a sucker for hurt/comfort. Especially in the form of cuddles.
Go onward and enjoy!
Holding Back the Shadows
"Feel the Force around you," she remembers her mother saying, many times before. "Feel it flow around you, through you, in you."
Mahin's Force lessons started when she was five. Combat and Force skills, such as levitation, were always her favorite. Her least favorite, however, was meditation. Her mother would take her someplace quiet on whatever planet they were on and they would meditate together for at least an hour. Sometimes more. Sometimes Mahin's father would join them, if it was safe enough, but mostly he watched over them as they worked, always on the lookout for potential dangers.
And giving her a stern look any time Mahin's mind started to wander away from her mother's teachings.
"Focus, Mahin," she remembers the rough tumble of her father's voice. Rough but full of warmth. "Listen to your mother. And the Force."
Little Mahin closes her eyes again, taking in a deep breath and letting it out slowly like her mother always does at the beginnings of her meditations. She focuses on the words of her mother and the feeling of the world around her, trying to sense the things her mother describes.
"As I was saying," her mother continues, light amusement tinkling through her voice, "the Force is in you and all living things. It even touches things without life. It connects us to the galaxy, allows us to understand things no one else can possibly know. Do things no one else can do."
Little Mahin takes another deep breath, mind spreading out and open and, admittedly, curious, despite the difficulty of focusing on the lesson. She's curious about the Force, how it works, the truth of it.
Of the Light and the Dark.
She can feel the Light, finding it oddly easy, though difficult to explain. Like the feeling of sunshine on skin, except this shines on her very soul. Like an embodiment of kindness, empathy, and contentment.
The Dark she doesn't wish to feel. She doesn't wish to seek it out. She fights against the impulse, an impulse her parents say lies in every person's heart, a perfectly natural feeling.
"Do not fight against the Dark, Mahin," her mother reminds her softly. "The Dark is part of the Force, just as much as the Light. They are two sides of the same coin. Balancing each other. Just like us. We are all filled with Light and Dark, good and bad. Everyone, without exception. To forsake one side completely would be to forsake our very nature. To forsake the Force itself."
The Dark feels…rigid. Cold. Powerful, but terrifying. Whispering promises she knows without a doubt it will be able to give her, but…twisted, somehow. It is strength without morality, without conscious. Getting what she wants no matter who gets trampled.
It's hard to believe everyone in the galaxy holds both, no matter how good or bad they are. She's seen some detestable people, even by the age of five. Them holding even a spark of Light seems impossible.
And it also means Mahin holds Dark inside of her. That cold, tempting power that tells her she can take care of her parents, protect them, if only she gives in.
Stomping boots. Angry words shouted in modulated voices.
If she gives in, nothing bad will ever happen to the people she loves.
They gain on her. On them—Mahin and her parents. They run down the streets as fast as they can but no matter how fast they run, how many corners they turn, how many obstacles they try to drop in the path behind them, those boots never fade.
If she had that power that day, would things have ended differently? Would she have been able to do something? Anything?
She feels so powerless, lying on the street after tripping over a forgotten piece of produce, the boots getting louder, the voices getting closer. Her mother yanks at her arms to pull her up. Her father stands behind them, feet planted between them and the gaining Stormtroopers. They swarm the street like a sea of white. So many of them. Too many of them to fight off.
Mahin could. If she gave in to the Dark Side she could have…she could have done something.
But she was only twelve. She was only twelve and her mother pushed her to run.
"Go, Mahin," her mother urges her, forcefully turning her around by the shoulders to face her back down the road. "Run. Your father and I will hold them off."
Mahin shakes her head, tears brimming in her eyes and escaping down her cheeks. She tries to turn back around but the grip her mother has on her shoulders won't let her. "But—"
"No arguing." Mahin hears the hum of her mother's lightsaber igniting right behind her, her father's echoing it like mates calling to each other. "We will hold them off. You run. You run as far away from here as possible. Don't stop for anything."
"But what about you? How will I find you again?"
"Don't worry, Mahin," her mother whispers in her ear, filled with a heartache that does nothing to quell Mahin's worry. Her mother knows. She knows what this will be. How it will end. "Through the Force, we will always be with you. Remember what we taught you and you will be alright."
Mahin remembers what happens next. She runs. The whines of her parents' lightsabers fill the air only to be overrun by blaster fire. It lasts for a little while. Mahin gets to the end of the street. Looks back before turning the corner.
Just in time to see both her parents collapse with smoking holes in their chests.
Only, this time, that's not what happens. Mahin makes it to the corner. Looks back. And then the shadows cast by the surrounding buildings darken. They reach out, like cloying smoke but…thicker somehow. Almost solid. Mahin's steps slow to a stop as she watches the darkness move in ways that shouldn't be possible. The shadows shift and writhe, molding together to form hands. Hands as large as Mahin's head, made from shadows, reaching out from all around the street.
Reaching for the Stormtroopers.
The shadowy hands grab up Stormtroopers by the dozen, lifting them into the air and hauling them back into the belly of the shadows. The Stormtroopers scream in terror only for their voices to abruptly cut off as they disappear into the darkness.
Sudden, giddy laughter bursts out of Mahin's mouth. She clamps a hand over her mouth, eyes wide as she watches the shadows decimate the Stormtroopers. Taking them away.
And leaving her parents behind. Whole and alive.
A chill brushes along Mahin's back. It slithers down her spine to encircle her waist with a pressure as solid as ice. Mahin gives a startled look down to see one of the shadows wrapping itself around her middle like a tentacle. Before she can struggle away, it lifts her off the ground like the others.
"No, what are you doing?" she cries, legs kicking back and forth desperately. "You were going after them! Get the Stormtroopers, not me!"
The tentacle draws her towards the center of the darkness, ready to swallow her whole. A piercing scream draws Mahin's eyes up. The shadows grab at her mother and father as well, their lightsabers slicing right through the inky darkness without any affect at all.
"No!" Mahin wails. "Leave them alone!"
The shadowy hands converge around her mother and father, coming together so thick and dark like a fog that Mahin can't see through it. But she can still hear. She can hear her mother's screams. Her father's call for her to just hang on. The steady hum of their lightsabers lashing around uselessly.
"No!"
Mahin jerks awake, heavy breaths panting in the dark as her heart jackrabbits in her chest. She scrambles to push herself up in bed. It's dark, so dark, she needs light, please, light. She kicks her feet out. The blankets tangle up her legs. Her body tips sideways in her struggling and she falls out of bed. Her shoulder throbs in pain where it hits with the metal floor. But her legs pull free of the blanket, allowing her to scramble across the room on her hands and knees to reach the control panel on the wall.
She smacks her hand against the control panel flooding her bedroom with bright, blessed light. Chasing all of the shadows away.
The Crest. She's in her room on the Crest.
But the fear from her dream still grips her chest hard, squeezing and squeezing like that tentacle still has a hold of her. Her hands frantically pat around her chest and middle. No, no, nothing there. But her breaths still come in ragged gasps, struggling to take air in.
Mahin pushes herself up onto shaky legs, getting her door open to stumble out into the hold. But the hold is dark, too, the main lights turned off with only the auxiliary lights towards the floor fighting back the shadows. Mahin's heart plummets, tears stubbornly prickling against the backs of her eyes. It's dark in here, too, and that means Mando isn't awake. She's alone.
She's all alone again.
The cockpit. They're in hyperspace—she can hear the low hum of the engine propelling them through space. That means the cockpit will be flooded with light right now, even with the main lights off. It's a bigger space than her bedroom, plus she won't run the risk of disturbing Mando and the kid.
Mahin glances at the hatch hiding Mando's bunk, squeezing her hands tightly together against her stomach as she fights back a sob. She wants Mando with her. She wants to wake Mando up so he can help her push back the dark, push back all of the grief and loneliness and despair that the dream dredged up, but she can't do that. She can't. He needs his sleep.
And she doesn't want him to see her as this sad, weak little girl.
A keen builds in the back of her throat. She grinds her teeth together as she stumbles towards the ladder leading up to the cockpit. She gets one bare foot on the bottom rung, grabs the rung above her head, and pulls herself up. Her hands are sweaty, fingers sliding against the metal, and she loses her grip. Her feet fall back to the floor with a jarring thud that makes her shaky legs buckle. She barely catches herself on the ladder before her knees hit the grating.
But it's enough to shake the sob in her chest loose.
Once the first sob comes out, more soon follow, tears overflowing down her face. More than she knows how to stop. She presses a hand to her mouth to muffle the sound, sliding the rest of the way down to the floor so she can draw her legs to her chest and bury her face in her knees.
She cries. She cries and she cries and the gaping hole in her chest stretches open its maw like it wants to swallow Mahin whole, like those shadows wanted to in her dream.
Something touches her shoulder and she flinches back so hard she almost bangs her head against the ladder.
"Easy," Mando says softly, both hands raised like he's showing her he's unarmed. "Easy, Mahin. It's just me."
"I...," her voice cracks as more sobs overtake the words she tries to get out like an ever-rising tide. She didn't mean to wake him, she really didn't, but it looks like she can't do anything right. Her chest aches, burns, breaths still too choppy and shallow. "I'm s...I'm sor—"
Mando hushes her gently and takes her face between his hands. Palms warm, palms bare, against her wet cheeks. "No, cyar'ika, you have nothing to apologize for. We don't apologize for nightmares, remember?"
Mahin's wet eyes fall shut, another sob tearing through her chest as she leans into his hands.
"What do you need, cyar'ika? Tell me what you need."
Mahin knows what she wants. She doesn't know if it's a need, but she wants, so badly. However, the words won't come out and so she holds out her arms to him.
Reaching. Hoping.
She doesn't have time to doubt, time to worry about rejection, because Mando wastes no time gathering her up in his arms. He sits her cradled in his lap, hands at her back and waist clutching her tightly to his chest.
Mahin curls into him, making herself as small as possible. Like she huddles against a tree trunk in the hopes of weathering a storm. Her arms hook under his shoulders, fingers easily digging into the back of his shirt since he wears no armor except the helmet. She nudges her head, finding the lip of his helmet and tucking her face underneath where his neck and shoulder meet.
And finding skin.
It surprises a gasp out of her, allowing Mahin to take in her first full breath of air in what feels like hours.
His cowl is gone. The cowl that always covers his entire neck and shoulder area, tucking into the top of his shirt and reaching all the way up to the tip of his chin to make sure not even an inch of skin shows between his chest plate and helmet—it's gone. Taken off for the first time around Mahin.
One of Mando's hands slides up to the back of Mahin's head, fingers weaving through her hair to press her face to that patch of skin and hold her there.
"I have you," Mando whispers, his hand making soothing circles along her back. "It's alright. I have you. I'm right here."
She tucks herself closer to him, as close as possible, focusing on the warmth he freely gives. The warmth of his skin, the warmth of his embrace, the warmth of his presence and friendship and…and more. So much more that they haven't talked about yet but it can wait, for now. For now, all that's important is that they're together and they're safe and no matter how big or how dark the shadows get, they have each other.
Mahin isn't alone. She's not alone.
They stay like that for a long time, tangled together on the floor. With Mando acting as her barrier against the darkness, her tears begin to dry. Her breaths slow to something resembling normal. Still a little ragged but she doesn't feel like she's drowning in a vacuum.
"You should sleep," Mando says once her tears fully stop.
Mahin shakes her head stubbornly, making no move to get up.
"You need sleep. It's still early in our night cycle and we have a long day tomorrow."
"I don't want to go back there," she whispers against his shoulder, keeping her face buried there. A shiver runs through her body at the thought of falling back into those shadows. At watching her parents die again.
At being alone again.
Mando rubs his hand up and down her back. "Then just…lay down with me."
That gets Mahin to tilt her head up, peeking at Mando curiously. "What do you mean?"
"Just come lay down with me. You can sleep, you can not sleep, it doesn't matter. Just lay down and I'll stay with you."
Mahin sits up all the way so she can look straight into his visor. "You'll stay?"
"Yes."
"You promise?"
Mando cups the side of her face, tilting her head so he can touch his forehead to hers. "I swear on the Creed that I won't leave you. I'll stay with you. Always."
Swearing on the Creed is the deepest promise a Mandalorian can make. Mando wouldn't make it lightly if he wasn't truly serious. Mahin's eyes slide closed as she leans her head against his. "Thank you."
Mando shifts to get an arm around her back and under her legs, then stands up with her cradled against his chest. Mahin's arms wrap around his neck, tucking her head back against his shoulder as Mando carries her to her room. He lays her down on the bed. He's gentle with her, so gentle. So unlike the fierceness Mandalorians are always known for.
He's always gentle with her.
Mahin curls up on her side as she watches him move about her room. He picks up her blanket from where it fell on the floor. After giving it a good shake, he lays it out on top of her, making sure she's completely covered from the neck down. He then turns to the door. Her stomach twists slightly, thinking he's about to leave, but then he simply presses the button on the control panel to slide the door shut.
"Will the kid be alright by himself?" she asks softly.
"It's one night. He'll be fine." His hand moves to turn off the lights.
"Wait!" Mahin says abruptly. Mando pauses to look back at her. She shrinks against the bedding, pulling the blanket more tightly around her. "Can you…can you leave the lights on? Please?"
She doesn't want the shadows to come back. Even if it is all just in her head.
He turns away from the door. "Whatever you need, cyare."
Cyare. And he called her cyar'ika earlier, she recalls. They have the same root, cyar, so the use of ika would make cyar'ika the smaller or lesser version of the word cyare.
But what does cyare mean? A new one for her to puzzle over. But not right now.
Mando steps up to the side of her bed and stops, hesitating. Mahin holds up the blanket for him in invitation. Slowly, he slides into the bed next to her, like giving her a chance to change her mind. But she doesn't. She sits up a little to get the blanket settled around them both and then nestles herself against his side.
His arm wraps around her shoulders to draw her closer. Mahin smiles, draping her arm around his waist and burrowing her head against his chest.
Mando holds her close, as close as they can be, his hold on her tight and firm. Not uncomfortable, but a solid weight she feels she'll be able to sense even in her dreams. A comforting sense of safety and warmth to chase the shadows away.
"I have you," Mando says again as Mahin's eyes begin to grow heavy. "I have you."
And with Mando watching over her, Mahin falls asleep, the deepest sleep she's ever had with the most pleasant dream.
Only, it wasn't a dream, she finds, when she eventually wakes up in the morning.
They moved in the night. Mahin lies on her other side facing the wall with Mando wrapped around her from behind holding her just as tightly as when she fell asleep. Still there, just like he promised.
Author's Note
Soooo, how we liking the fluff?
And we get a bit more of Mahin's past. Yes, Mahin's parents were Jedi. Yes, they were teaching Mahin the ways of the Force. But their teachings don't truly align with what the Jedi believe, do they. More mysteries to solve, which you, unfortunately, will have to wait for.
Next chapter is a bit of action. Nothing too, too exciting but protective!Mando is my favorite Mando.
Hope you enjoyed, PLEASE REVIEW, and see you all next time!
Translations
Cyar'ika - sweetheart
Cyare - darling
